I have nothing.
I crave nothing.
I am nothing.

Something can rise from nothing.
Something I can create.
Something to live for.

From a little bit of something I can find my everything.
Everything I can hope for.
Everything I will hold in my heart.

-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Just My Type

I just want a guy that will make me laugh.
A guy that will give me flowers on any other day except Valentine’s Day.
That will not look at me like I’m immature when I make a dick joke, but instead will add to it.
One that will understand that I like my space.
That knows when I say “I’m fine” to just hug me and leave me alone.
One that will motivate me.
A guy that’s willing to be spontaneous with me.
One that won’t mind movie marathon nights.
A guy that’s ready for a big family.
One that will appreciate my randomness and quirkiness.
One that I can have long talks with about nothing and everything.
A guy that I can call my best friend.
One that will love me for me.

 -Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites
A message to brighten your day on a walk in Dayton

Review: Mane 'n Tail Shampoo & Conditioner

This week when I washed my hair I was finally able to use the Mane 'n Tail shampoo and conditioner. I haven't used this brand since I was a kid and that was back when I had a relaxer.
 With the shampoo I didn't need to use much. Just a few quarter sized amounts in the palm of my hand was enough to cover my whole head, and it is pretty thick. I can't describe what it smells like. The closest I can think of is a bouquet of flowers, but just a bit more subtle, either way I'm just trying to say that it smells great. At first I could tell that it made my hair feel light and clean, but as I rinsed it felt like my hair was stripped of ALL moisture. The conditioner made it a little better.

 Same as the shampoo, I didn't need to use much. The smell was exactly the same also. I left it on for about 3 minutes. Afterwards my hair felt a little better and fuller once I rinsed it out. No too many complaints on the conditioner. Once my hair dried though I had to use a little more oil than usually because of how stripped my hair felt after the shampoo.

Mane 'n Tail Shampoo: C+
Mane 'n Tail Conditioner: B+

It Happens For a Reason

The battles you fight and win.
The battles you fight and lose.
Everything happens for a reason.
People come in and out of your life.
Each bringing a lesson.
They are there for a reason.
The path you walk down may be endlessly rocky.
The issues you face can knock you down.
You are not a victim of bad luck.
You are not a target of karma.
Right now in this moment is where you’re supposed to be.
Make the most of it.

-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites


Every night I close my eyes I see your face
Dreams of you bring a momentary happiness
My dreams are a place where you are mine and I yours
My smile grows under the darkness of night
As the sun rises your presence becomes weaker
I slowly open my eyes to the heartbreak that you're not there
I feel that empty spot where your body should be
I slam my eyes shut hoping to stay in dreamland with you
Imagining you wrapping your arms around me from behind
You breathe in the coconut scent of my hair
I could feel so safe in your arms forever
Reality sets in as realize I'm all alone
The days drag as I anticipate a date with my dream man
One day I'll dream in broad daylight
One day I'll wake up and smile at the sight of your face
A lifetime I will gladly share with you
For now I'll await you in my dreams until that day comes

-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites


I’m looking for perfection.
A soft touch.
An inviting smile.
A warm heart.
Eyes that burn right through me.
That is my ideal of perfection.
Light headed in love.
Butterflies a flutter.
That’s all a woman can ask for.
Loving me for me.
Loving you for you.
This model of perfection wanders this Earth.
One day our paths shall meet.
Locked in a forever.
Our perfect love.

-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Weapon of Choice

A pen in my hand is a weapon.
Unleashing vibrant characters on the page.
Building busy city streets.
Relationships written off.
New ones molded.
A notepad capturing the creations of my mind.
My weapon gives me a voice.
I can open your mind with this weapon in my hand.

-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Vows To Myself

I have been trying so hard this year to make positive changes in my life. I'm mapping out ways to change my mind, body, and soul so that I can get closer to the person I want to be.

I used to love writing so very much. I am going to make a promise to myself to write at least 4 days a week. It doesn't matter if it's just a daily blog, poems, stories, etc. I just need to get back to what I used to love. My passion. Also you guys can assist me with this goal. I one day want to go on to be a writer, and the way you can help is by reblogging, liking, feedback, etc. For the most part we're all artists on Tumblr, whether it be drawing, music, fashion, writing, photography, etc and I feel we all should help each other. I post things to all my social media accounts (posted on my blogs) so share share share. It seems like the only things that get shared tons around here is fan art. Us writers need love too. Some of you, that have been so kind to me, I'd also like to get to know and would be happy to call friends and helping each other out and wanting each other to reach our goals would be a great place to start.
 I also wouldn't mind collaborating with some folks. I've talked a while about making a YouTube channel and for some of us to get involved with that would be great. I still for the life of me don't know what it would be about, but I'm still thinking about it.

I've been trying my hardest to keep a workout routine. The hardest thing to drill into my head is that it won't happen overnight. Telling myself this everyday has helped me keep on track a lot more that I did in the past. I'm making a promise to myself to keep this up and not get discouraged. I could actually do with increasing my workout. I've also done a great job at cutting out pop for the past few years, but I'll indulge a few times a month (definitely an improvement from an all day everyday habit). I'm making a promise that from now on I will have none. Only water and maybe, just maybe, tea. Also no snacks. If I do just one a day and it will be a small one, not a giant sized Hershey bar lol (I'm guilty of this).
My skin has also been something I've hated about myself for the longest time. I have taken the time to test out what home remedies work best so that I can stand to look in the mirror. I can now touch my face and smile. I'm not anywhere near where I want to be where this is concerned either, but it's the small changes like seeing dark spots get lighter that make me feel better. I promise to keep up my routine of cleanser, vitamin E cream (morning), and aloe vera (night) to get me to where I need to be.
The last thing I want to improve when it comes to my body is my hair. It's been a year since I've gone natural. Sometimes I get frustrated because it's not a long as I assumed it would be in a year and also because no matter what my hair isn't the curly coily texture I had hoped for, but instead kinky. Like with my weight loss I have to remind myself that hair growth doesn't happen overnight. I promise to just stick with the fun I have trying new styles, oils, shampoos, etc and to remind myself that it's only hair. It's not that serious. I will say that running my fingers through my fro makes me feel powerful. I want to feel like that always.

When it comes to my soul I want to either learn to repair broken relationships or forgive and forget. I've stated in several posts about how most of my friends abandoned me in my time of need. I need to learn to either let these people go entirely or give them the benefit of the doubt even if I've done that several times already throughout our friendship. I've always been the type of person who likes to communicate to sort out a problem. Even if these friends and I go our separate ways I would still like to talk it out so that there are no loose ends. I hate loose ends.
While on the topic of communication. While in Chicago there were a few men I ran into who I feel liked me (or not. Only one confessed way later that he did) and were good guys and I either dodged their feelings because of whatever I was going through and I may have hurt them in the process. I posted a poem I wrote a few days ago titled "Sometimes" directed at one of these men who, if I really hurt, I regret it. I want to change and have the courage to let these few know that I didn't hurt them intentionally. My own insecurities with my looks, intelligence, outlook on life, etc got in the way of me loving another person, including myself. I really hate that cause the guy I wrote the poem about was close to a perfect guy who definitely deserved better than me. I was, and still am to a degree, a broken woman. He was such a positive happy go lucky person with a great outlook on life. I would have ruined that. I'm not 100% sure if he liked me, but sometimes he would give me these looks, when he thought I couldn't see him, that made me feel loved. I miss that. I want to change from the inside out so I can be that woman I wanted to be for him even if it may be for someone else. Although I don't think antidepressants are the way for me I hope I can find something within so I can be somewhat of a positive person. And I know people are going to take this as that I want to change myself for a man. Not at all. I think, man or woman, if you are a good person then you deserve that in a mate. That's what this guy was. I'm not saying I'm a bad person, but I'm definitely not a "nothing can bring me down" type and nothing, I mean nothing, got this dude down. I admired that and want that for myself.
Also for my soul I just want to be more at peace. My mind torments me everyday and I try to focus on something that will keep me from imploding. I know that I will have to indulge into my goals for mind and body to make this easier. Workout to take my mind off it or write it down and turn it into something great.
I'm making a promise to myself to, from this day forward, to be the best Asia I can be. I promise to try and live my life to the fullest and try to love myself instead of hating myself. I've hated myself for most of my life and I think it's about time for that to change. I don't deserve such hate from the one person that should love me the most.

-Asia Aneka Anderson


I have been trying a lot lately to look at the small happy moments in life. I've been trying to make small changes in my life to lift my spirits. Although my spirits are still down for the most part I still find a glimmer of happiness. For as long as I can remember I've had body image issues. I agonized over everything from acne to weight. Towards the end of 2012 I had left Chicago and moved back to Ohio. My last few years in Chicago were brutal. Because of the job I had there stress and a crazy work schedule cause me to gain a ton of weight. I'll say it, I was over 200lbs. Throughout 2013 I went through a rough patch. Even though I hated my job in Chicago I loved the city. Leaving that behind put me into a terrible depression, that I actually haven't shaken completely yet. I figured towards the middle of 2013 that I needed to get back to a healthy weight. I had to force myself out of bed everyday. I eventually lost over 50lbs, but with my birthday being in October, I completely fell off for the rest of the year. I didn't gain much that I could tell. I knew when 2014 came around I had to commit. I don't do it everyday, but I'm at least only 20lbs away from my goal. Since late last year I've also gone natural. It's been a great experience. Through my hair I've learned to love myself a little bit more. I love running my hair through my fro. I don't know why, but it makes me feel powerful. I've had fun trying knew things with my hair. Also through that experience I've become more attentive to my skin. All of my blemishes aren't gone, but I can look in the mirror and smile again. I know they're be more changes to come in my future and I can only hope that it continues to make me stronger and happy to be the woman that I am.

Last Words

I have no words. When will people understand that this is why the country is outraged? These are the last words of unarmed men who were gunned down as if their lives meant nothing. Never forget who these, and the many others, who have been killed. Never stop fighting for equality and justice. You guys can read the full article here.

Castor Oil Challenge

So I'm taking part in the castor oil challenge. Personally, I've never used it, but I've seen a lot of people swear about so I'm very excited about this. You can register here. You have until Sept 7th. I purchased Jamaican Black Lavender castor oil from Amazon for pretty cheap. There's other brands recommended on the page where you register. If, like me, you've never used castor oil take a look at those recommendations, search YouTube and google for reviews. Hopefully some of you will join me in this challenge! :)

Me and my natural

Hello, everyone. Well I previously posted about sharing my natural hair journey with you lovely folks. I really want to start off by showing you these pills I take on a daily basis.

 They're hair skin and nail pills. You can pretty much find these anywhere; Target, CVS, Walgreens, and even Dollar General. To be honest the ones at Dollar General have about 5,000 mcg of Biotin whereas everywhere else, like this one, only has about 3,000. I know a higher number is better, but the downside to the DG ones is that there's usually only about 50-60 pills to a bottle and everywhere else usually has anywhere from 150-200. Also if you get them from Walgreens or CVS it seems like they always have them for BOGO which is always great. I take these 2-3 times a day and have been for about 8 months. My hair has grown a bit, but not that 'down your back overnight' kind of result I'm always wishing for. I will say that my lower edges had broken off a lot due to stress. It wasn't bald, but damn near close, now in that area my hair is about an inch past my jawline. Also I've noticed that my skin is a lot smoother and I don't have as many blemishes. My nails have also grown a lot. When I was younger my nails were always creepy long, but over the last few years because of stress those started to break. With these pills it's getting me back to the nail growth I'm used to.
If you haven't tried out any hair, skin, and nails pills I'd say it's definitely worth a try (and also drink lots and lots of water). The ones at Dollar General range about $5-$7 dollars and everywhere else can be anywhere from $10-$14, but again you get more pills and can almost always run into a sale. Out of about the 8 months I've been using them there's only about 3 times I've had to buy them at retail price, that's how much they go on sale. I don't really have many pics from when I first made the decision to go natural. I didn't do any type of big chop so with the shrinkage and my decision to go natural 2 months after my last relaxer you can't really tell anyways. I will be posting pics of where my length is now in the next few weeks because I'll be taking the castor oil challenge in Sept. I'll post more info about that in case any of you want to join. :)


Sometimes I wonder what could have been.
Sometimes I think about what it would’ve been to have you in my life now.
I trusted you more in a few months than people I’ve known my whole life.
I let you in with no questions asked.
Sometimes I wonder if I had been a comfort to you too.
Sometimes I wonder if we could’ve been more had I not been so stubborn.
Sometimes I wonder if you felt the same about me.
I think you did.
I let my loyalty to a friend who liked you cloud my happiness.
I know what it feels like to be betrayed.
I didn’t have the heart to do it to someone else.
In the end, even though I didn’t hurt her, I felt like I hurt you.
I could see in your eyes what you felt and I kept my distance.
Both of us with this secret affection for one another.
I was afraid that you’d be the man of my dreams and I’d be your disappointment.
Sometimes I felt like you deserved better.
You deserved someone who was secure enough to give you all of her love.
I couldn’t be the woman I wanted to be for you then.
I was stuck battling my own demons.
Since we last spoke you’ve had few women come in and out of your life.
Judging by the look on your face I assumed you’d been hurt.
Sometimes I’d like to think if I had been a strong woman I could’ve saved you from this heartache.
Sometimes I think of the simple things like holding your hand just to let you know that I’ll always be there for you.
Sometimes I kick myself for not telling you how I felt.
I mostly kick myself for that time we almost kissed and somehow it didn’t happen.
Sometimes I like to believe that although it’s been years since I’ve seen your face, if we were meant to be, fate would bring us together.
We’d be the hipster version of the Huxtables. Creating art and love wherever we went.
Sometimes I hold onto that thought of fate.
Sometimes I wonder if you think that too….
… or if you even remember me at all.
Sometimes I miss our talks, your smile, and the time we sat on the beach all night until we saw the sunrise.
Sometimes I wonder if you know how special that moment was to me.
You’ve been flooding my mind lately and I wish there was a way for me to get to you.
I wish I could finally tell you how I felt.
Maybe one day I’ll get that chance and actually take it.
Sometimes I wish that moment was now, but I will remain patient until the universe brings me back to you.
-Asia Aneka Anderson

Review: Pantene for Natural hair Co-wash and Africa's Best hot oil treatment

Now the co-wash from Pantene I have been using from the beginning of my transition. I. LOVE. IT!
 As soon as I put it in I can feel my hair become softer. It's not heavy at all and you don't need a lot. When I use the co-wash I use it by itself. I've seen some people use the Pantene shampoo for natural hair and then use the co-wash right after. For me I'm good with just the co-wash. It gets rid of all the build up alone, so in my opinion you don't need anything else when using the co-wash. Now when I use the co-wash I make sure to add water to it so that I'm not using a lot. I usually let it sit for about 5 minutes then rinse. I've heard from other bloggers that washing with cool water is ideal so that is what I do. I say use whatever temp you're okay with. Since it's summer, for me, the colder the better. Also I only use the co-wash 1-2 times a month. Now today I used a hot oil treatment since I've been slacking the past few months (I like to do hot oil treatments at least once a month). I usually use Africa's Best mainly because it's cheap. I know that's bad to go for the cheapest, but it gets the job done.
 Africa's Best herbal oil is a bit thicker, in my opinion, compared to like Doo Gro, which is another brand I sometimes use. I will admit I go a little overboard with it. I always feel like I'm not using enough to cover my whole head. Today I put in the hot oil treatment and just slapped on a shower cap and towel. Now the label says to keep it on 15-20 minutes, but I kept it in for an hour because I had to do a few errands.
After about an hour or so I rinsed it out, also with cold water then I placed a t-shirt, instead of a towel over my head. This is something else I've picked up from other blogs, which makes sense. It doesn't make your hair dry and brittle like when I use a towel.
Okay so I'm usually lazy when it comes to twisting my hair. I hate it so much. I don't feel like my hair is long enough to do bigger twists without completely unraveling and I'm horrible at doing flat twists because my fingers seem to have a mind of their own when I try. So when I'm letting my hair air dry it's usually several hours until I get around to twisting it. I didn't add any other oils or anything else since I used the hot oil. I have a spray bottle that's just filled with water and use that as I twist my hair. When I'm done twisting my hair I use bobby pins to pin several of them down to make sure they don't fall into my face and also for close to the crown of my head because for some reason my hair likes to stick straight up lol.

So I just pin my twists in the direction I want them to go. I wash my hair ever 7-8 days. For the most part I keep my twists in until the day before I shampoo. Very rarely do I take them out before. I'm trying to get my hair to grow out so I can do something with it. For now I'm in the awkward stage where it's not shot enough to a really cute short style or fro and it's not long enough due to shrinkage. I usually end up looking like Questlove lol. When I go out I have several wigs to choose from and I'll keep doing that until I'm comfortable with my length.

So as far as the products I used today
Pantene co-wash: Highly recommend! A+++
Africa's Best herbal oil: It is a little heavier than most, but it's still really good at locking in moisture B-

Naturally Me

I have been natural for a year now. Everything has pretty much been trial and error with trying to find what oils are great for my hair, what shampoos are best, conditioners, treatments, styles, etc. I guess my hair would be classified as 4b or 4c. I've tried a lot of things over the past year so I'll be posting a few reviews of the stuff I've used. I'm by no means an expert so something that may work for my hair or that I may like may not work for you. I'll try to be a detailed as possible when describing the products I use. But one thing I know I can start by insisting you do is drink lots of water. Not just for your hair but just for your health. As someone who could probably put away a 2 liter of pop since birth I can't tell you just how much better I feel since I've stopped about 2 years ago and also how much weight I've lost. I won't lie though, I'll have a Mt. Dew once a month, but definitely not several everyday like I used too. Anyways, stay tuned for a lot of reviews. A few I'll post tonight actually. I'm about to wash my hair and use the Mane n' Tail shampoo for the first time since I was very little. <--- So I just realized that I bought two bottles of conditioner (smh). I was looking forward to that too lol. Well this week I'll be using a co-wash from Pantene that I love and I'll also be putting in a hot oil treatment. I'll tell you all about it later :)
Yay, kitties!
 Silly selfie
 Dayton Legend- Paul Laurence Dunbar (poet)

 The Oregon District

What's a payphone?
First of all let me say that I have so much respect for Donald Glover. I mainly have an adoration for him because a lot of what he says and raps about is something I can relate to. When he occasionally rants on twitter there’s always a ton of gossip blogs poking fun at him because they have no clue what he’s trying to say and I can understand what he’s saying on every level (maybe it’s a Libra thing).
This is a poem he posted (with the exception of the last 6 tweets) and it really spoke to me. For most of my life I’ve been referred to as “white girl”. Sometimes it was said in a hurtful context, but mostly in jest. With what’s been going on nonstop in the news lately, that label burns to the core. “White girl”. I’m called “white girl” because I listen to rock. I listen to most genres of music, but most people focus on the rock music, therefore I am a “white girl.” I’m called "white girl" because I’ve dated outside my race. I’m called “white girl” because I prefer mayo to miracle whip. I’m called “white girl” because I have flat feet. I’m called “white girl” because I don’t have a stereotypical big ass. I’m called “white girl” because I prefer Adele over Beyonce. I’m called “white girl” because I have white friends. All of these things have been said to me many times throughout my life.
Just as Donald said, you can call me “white” but I don’t get all the benefits that goes with being white. No matter how I present myself I still get followed around in stores. If I show up at a rock concert I still get stares and on occasion have to deal with racist confrontation because I “shouldn’t be there.” If I’m riding with my mom and she gets pulled over in a nice neighborhood because she’s a black woman in a Lexus I can’t say “Don’t worry she’s my mom and I’m white.” I still have to watch my back around white “friends” who actually turn out be racist, but hang out with me because “I’m not like the rest of them.” So from here on out no one, I mean NO ONE, gets to call me white girl no matter the context. This label does not save me from being judged, arrested, discriminated against, gunned down, etc. It’s not funny. I have no idea what it means to be white, but everyday I step outside my door I am reminded that I am black. Also, like Donald usually says “I am a nigga.” I know that is what society sees when they look at me. Even if I went everyday in a pantsuit, heels, and a law degree I know that around some people and to the media I will be seen as a nigga. That is the reality. Just so everyone knows I’m not saying that being white is an insult. It’s not. All I’m saying is how dare some people call me that when I still have to go through all of the struggles black people deal with on a daily basis. No matter what my interests are I am black and I love being black. Don’t dare call me anything other than that.

Why talk if no one listens?

  I am really heartbroken about the death of Robin Williams. It saddens me because I can’t imagine someone who seemed to have so much energy and happiness would do this. I’ve been crying so much because this news has taken me to a dark place. It’s reminded me that there’s no hiding from this and sometimes there’s no masking it no matter how hard you try. These thoughts they never stop and I’m always in my head. I’ve said before that I hate to say that I’m depressed because I’ve never been diagnosed but I’ve felt this way since before my teenage years and I’m now 31 feeling like I’m on my last leg. This can’t just be me feeling a little sad. Not for over 15 years. I even had a “friend” who recently told me that I only focus on the negative. That is NOT something you say to someone who has no control over their thoughts. If you don’t understand it, fine, but never belittle someone like that. Sometimes I can barely move, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything. I still try to joke around and be myself, but trust me those feelings NEVER go away. Even if I’m doing something that brings me complete joy those thoughts still haunt me. ALWAYS. I feel horrible that Robin felt like he had to do what he did, but I can’t judge him because I know what that feels like.
I’ve only realized recently that I have a routine that happens when that wave of feelings come over me. If I’m in the middle of doing something I’ll lose all concentration, my eyes narrow, my jaw clenches, I clench my fists, and tears will start to fall. If I’m around people the jaw clenching is to keep the tears from happening. And sometimes I can be doing something as simple as eating and out of nowhere I’ll just start crying. I saw Dr. Drew on CNN say that when people have suicidal thoughts those thoughts do pass. That’s true, for me at least. It comes in short bursts and it’s not everyday. That’s why I clench my fist or clench anything like a pillow or even sometimes my hair because it does come over me like a huge wave and I have to hold on for dear life to keep from drowning or getting swept out to sea. In those moments I just vision how I would end it. It’s even gotten so bad to the point where I see things, that aren’t there, in the corner of my eye…. I’ve never told anyone that before. I just feel like I’m going crazy. I don’t want to feel like this. I doubt anyone does. I’ve got no one to talk to because the ones I have just shrugged it off as though I’m “just sad”, or I get told to “suck it up”, or that I “have nothing to be sad about.” Granted I haven’t talked to anyone about this in a while because I just don’t want to hear those stupid throw away excuses anymore. I just keep it to myself  or post it here because I know no one will read it, but at least I’ve gotten off my chest. I don’t think I’d ever harm myself. I think I have more in life to do just at the moment I don’t know what that is and right now I really don’t care. I know I’m here for some reason but I’m just not sure how much I can take.
I’m really surprised at my reaction to Robin’s death. I mean, I haven’t cried this much since Michael Jackson died. I can only assume that I’m reacting this way because not only was he a big part of my childhood, but because I feel like I can relate to him on multiple levels now. Dealing with a pain inside and mask it by trying to make others laugh. I know he dealt with it by his many addictions, but by there being so many addicts in my family I refuse to succumb to that lifestyle. But even in doing so I refuse to take drugs that may help. I know they’re not addictive, but I have it drilled in my head that I can’t take any pills for fear that I’ll develop a dependency. Hell even if I have a headache I just sleep it off because it terrifies me. I can’t have both this darkness and a substance rule me.
All I can say that if you have a friend who has seemed to have been distant DO NOT abandon that person. That’s what my friends did which has made me worse. Even if you don’t understand what they’re going though try to reach out. Don’t wait for them to do it because IT WILL NOT HAPPEN (mostly. I won’t speak for everybody). Reassure them that you are there for them. They’ll hear you and will appreciate it even though it won’t seem like it. Watch out for them. Try to invite them to things. DO NOT MAKE THEM FEEL UNLOVED. I can’t stress this enough. I feel like I’m unimportant to people around me. My thoughts or what I say fall on deaf ears and no one SEES me. That’s the most heartbreaking thing.  No one sees the pain even though I wear it on my face everyday. Oh well. I guess if I don’t care I can’t expect anyone else to either.
By: Asia Aneka Anderson
I don’t understand why some people around me get offended by the things I write about. I only write what I know, what I dream, and what I feel. If I can’t talk about any of those things then I wouldn’t be writing something that was real to me. Any story that I write from fiction has a background of reality. Each character I relate to. It’s either a person I was, am, or wish I could be. I use my experiences to say things that weigh heavy on me in hopes that someone can relate. It doesn’t mean that an event in my life makes me angry, sad, happy or any other emotion. It’s just something that happened. Everything that has happened and will happen in my life I use as a learning experience. Anything that has happened whether it be good or bad has molded the person I am today. In no way shape or form am I the person I want to be but all the things and people that I will come across will continue to shape me. I have blogged in the past about various things that have happened in my life. I’ve talked about my drug addicted father, friends abandoning me in my time of need, insecurities that have plagued me from my childhood, my loneliness and everything in between. If anyone in my life comes across these things I get told that I “hold grudges”, or “focus on the negative”. I get every response except “I understand where you’re coming from.” I never say these things to guilt trip people or make myself out to be the victim. I say these things to try to explain my reactions to people and what makes me who I am now and in some way to put it into writing so that I, myself, can get understanding of why I do the things I do. I know that from my past I’ve had friends steal crushes or boyfriends from me, not wanting to be there for me when I needed someone to talk to, make lame excuses for not inviting me to things, etc. It hurts at the time, yes, but if I reflect back on it in my writing It’s not me holding a grudge, it’s me telling an experience on how to make people earn my trust. I’ve grown up with family who would make fun of the way I dressed, the music I listened to, my weight or overall physical appearance. That’s something that has stuck with me. I take it as it is. In this point in my life if I feel a certain way about myself I can’t blame that on anyone else all these years later. All I can say is that’s where it started. As far as my dad is concerned I know that if I ever have children to never let my baggage come before them and show them that they are more important than any substance, and as far as the negative side of the situation with my father is that it will always make me weary of any man that may come into my life. It’s the main reason I don’t drink or take any prescription if I need to. That’s how I reacted to that. All of these things I have learned a lesson from. It may not be same lesson for everyone else that has dealt with these things, but that’s what I take from these experiences. Most of these people who take offense also confuse me by stating as to how they “wouldn’t react that way.” That’s the amazingness of individuality. I turn my angst or hurt into writing. Some people may go eat ice cream, go boxing, or binge watch “Toddlers & Tiaras” on Netflix. It always puzzles me when someone says that or telling me to just “get over it.” Things like that only hurts more and is a good way to keep a wound open. I have people from my past that have hurt me who, even though maybe not apologizing, have recognized how their actions may have hurt me and treated me with kindness. It’s always the ones who, even if they don’t apologize, don’t even try to understand why I feel the way I do, (even if I explain it until I’m blue in the face) who want to pretend like nothing happened and think we can just be the best of friends. No. I can’t play that game anymore. I know most people around me don’t understand that I’ve had this void in me for as long as I can remember, but I don’t think it’s fair to tell me how to deal with something. I’ve come this far in my life without any self mutilation or anything else to damage my body, no matter how much I’ve wanted to. So just because my scars don’t show on the outside doesn’t mean they’re not there. And don’t tell me I’m overreacting just because something that may be small to you is devastating for me. We’re not all the same, but we should all be treated with respect.
-Asia Aneka Anderson


What it’s like to live in a collapsed mind
Watching ideas and dreams spiral down a drain of madness
Confusion and anxiety mixed with chaotic creativity
Grasping for words in thin air that turn to ash in the palm
Making an effort that never takes physical form
Seeing a result without the hope of a beginning
A million thoughts going 80mph that disappear when the mouth opens
My collapsed mind feels like a ball of mush
Sopping wet with the words I want to say
Each day the mind tries to get stronger only to stay still
Visions of goals that have yet to be reached
One day, perhaps, the poison of the collapsed mind will drain
Leaving a quiet madness of only creativity to blossom

-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

... Be Happy

Dance in the rain.
The droplets don’t break you day.
The clouds don’t block your spirit.
You smile at the glimmer of sun that peeks through the darkness.
Keep spinning.
Keep smiling.
Let the rain roll off your skin.
And when the sun shines bright grin even brighter.
Keep spinning.
Keep smiling.

-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Sometimes I feel bad if I say that I’m depressed, have anxiety, am an introvert, etc, because I have never been diagnosed. Actually the doctor I had back in Chicago would tell me that he didn’t like to diagnose people he just wanted to help them sort out whatever they were going through to get them on the right track (not sure if that was a good thing or bad thing, but he did help me through a lot). I just know what I feel and how I have always felt for as long as I can remember. I’m not certain if people who have been diagnosed take offense to someone like me. I don’t say things like that for attention or pity. I say it because I have no other words for it. It’s more than a feeling of sadness or anxiousness, especially since I’ve been like this for many many years. I often get irritated with people who tell me that it gets better or try to give me some uplifting words. I know that they mean well. I don’t see the way that I feel as a bad thing. It’s not a good thing either. It is a part of me though. I embrace all parts of me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. If I woke up tomorrow as some happy-go-lucky person I’d be scared. That’s not who I am. I’m okay with how I am. Yeah, sometimes I wish those feelings that keep me caged inside my own mind would go away, but I don’t know if I would know what to do with myself if they were to go away. I know none of this makes sense, but it does to me. I know if someone is depressed they normally (at least I think) wouldn’t say that they are okay with being that way. I don’t know. It’s probably just me. I think these things infiltrate every aspect of my personality, like the sarcastic sense of humor that I couldn’t imagine not having or my ability to see through people’s bullshit. If I weren’t the way that I am I could possibly be some gullible chick with a lame sense of humor.
SN: I apologize to anyone who may take offense to my “self diagnosis”. It’s not my intention to rub people the wrong way.
Does anyone else see what’s wrong with this post?
I saw this in my newsfeed the other day that was posted from a somewhat “famous” YouTuber. Don’t get me wrong, I think anyone with any sense would react if they felt threatened…. Although I think most would contact building management, a landlord, or even the police way before resorting to violence. My problem with this post is this person’s need to tell his/her huge following the race of this individual. I know most people, if you read this and are not a POC and can’t read between these lines, you’re probably thinking “What’s the big deal? If he/she looks through the peephole they’re going to notice race and sex first.” Agreed, and I know this would be info you would give if you were filing out a report, example: you would say something like “Average height black man, looks around early 20s, short hair, etc.”, but this isn’t a police report. It’s FB. To take the time out to post something “terrifying” on FB and to even state “I don’t want to make things a ‘race’ issue” just raises red flags. Because most of the time when someone states they don’t want to make something a race thing, it’s usually a race thing. The story would’ve been just as affective like this:

People would get the jist that you feel unsafe and will do what it takes to protect yourself. This post upset me because if you’ve been noticing on the news lately black people are being gunned down left and right with no questions asked until after their heart stops beating. My own cousin last month was killed and he was only 16 years old. Not to mention it was an overkill. This person felt threatened and shot him in the head then stood over his lifeless body and proceeded to unload three more shots. With this individual why automatically think that this person is trying to break into your home. I mean if someone is going to break in, you’d definitely know it. They’re not going to just turn a handle. What if he’s new to the building and goes to the wrong apartment by mistake? When I first moved into my old building, I went to the wrong apartment on several occasions because I wasn’t paying attention. How screwed would it be if I were shot because I made a mistake? What if this guy is mentally challenged and ended up going to the wrong door? Again, if I felt threatened I would contact the office of my building and let them know what’s going on before I said something on social media about shooting someone. I’m not going to call this person racist. That is a very harsh label to put on someone. I truly mean that.
I do know where this mentality comes from though. The media. Someone posted a tweet (I wish I could remember who) after the shootings at the Deli Mart in Isla Vista, CA earlier this year that said something to the effect of “If you’re black they call you a thug. If you’re Muslim you’re a terrorist and if you’re white you have a mental illness.” It’s very sad, but this is how the media portrays things and this is imbedded in us. I’ll be 100% honest. When something like the Boston bombing happened my first thought was “terrorist”. That’s something that has been subliminally (and not so subliminally) drilled into our heads. I had to snap myself out of that way of thinking when that whole thing went down because I started to realize that the story itself wasn’t adding up or making any sense. All the while the media paints POC as villains the rest of America is brainwashed in thinking that they’re (or should be) frightened victims. That’s why this YouTuber stated, in so many words, that if he/she were to shoot this person the media would portray them as a racist. If you really pay attention to the news you’ll notice that it’s less about that and more about portraying the POC as a criminal and bringing up a past that has nothing to do with the situation at hand. For instance, with the story of John Crawford (the young man shot at Walmart, in my hometown no less) I’ve seen more articles talk about his “baby’s mama” and girlfriend then about the actual situation. Or if you look at the case of Eric Garner, even though there’s actual VIDEO of him being killed there’s more talk about his past criminal record than what was actually happening. There’s a hashtag trending on Twitter this very moment that’s #IfTheyGunnedMeDown and it’s young black people asking that if they were gunned down would the media pull a pic from their social media accounts showing them with friends, maybe in baggy clothes, flipping the bird, in a do-rag or would they show the pics of them with family, graduating, at church, or volunteering. We all know the answer to that one because we’re seen it time and time again. That’s what happened to my cousin. Instead of showing pics of him with his family or girlfriend showering them with kisses and smiling they pulled the ones of him trying to look hard and in baggy clothes. The media has an agenda and that’s to make young black people, especially young black men, look terrifying. That’s not fair to just assume from a person’s race, sex, class, religion, etc what type of intentions they have and that they’re a criminal, gang member, freeloader, etc. For some reason a lot of people have not grasped that yet. And when people do shine light on these injustices POC get told that we’re “making it up”, or to “get over it”, or that “slavery ended”. No matter your race, open your eyes and your mind. I remember a few weeks ago when the vine went viral of the boy filming people following him in stores, there were an astounding amount of white people who claimed he was making it up. I was shocked that it was mostly of POC who knew about this. This type of activity has been going on for decades and it doesn’t matter what a POC is dressed like, their age, or anything else. In all of my 31 years it has been the norm to get followed around in stores so for someone to say that it’s all lies and it’s made up is very shocking to me.
I’ll never understand why racism still exists in this day and age. I’ll also never understand the people who ignore what is happening and don’t get why POC are outraged. You don’t know what it’s like to have to walk on eggshells and have to watch your back at all times. But even though if you don’t know what that feels like try to put yourself in a POC’s shoes and not just say “I have a friend that’s black.” or “I dated a black guy once.” That’s not the same thing. If you were to live in our shoes you would see how terrifying it is to watch the news sometimes, or to be in a certain neighborhood, or to be in a certain store. POC just want to live. It’s not much to ask for. I want to be that optimistic person and say that if we all saw each other as human this world will be a better place, but I know now that this is not how our country works. It’s a sad truth. I am appreciative of the people that I see on places like Tumblr who may not be a POC who is just as outraged as I am. You are the ones who can change the people around you. You are the ones who can get people to wake the hell up. Keep doing what you’re doing.
Okay, I’m done. The last thing I’ll say is that we all need to be good to each other and we should all stand up for each other. <3

Who Am I?

I don’t do my writing exercise as often as I should. They say it takes 30 days to form a habit. This is not a habit that is sticking for some reason. I thought with this post I’d try to focus on something I know the most: Me :D lol jk, but seriously, I’ve said before that most of the characters I write about are based on myself. They’re either based on who I am, was, wish I were, or just overall some version of myself. Maybe if I write about what makes me tick it’ll help me form my characters a little better.
So first of all, who am I? I have no idea. Does anyone know the answer to that question? After all of these years I have no clue who I am. In the past I had some sort of idea who I was and who I envisioned I would be. When I was really little I imagined that I’d grow up to be some awesome teacher and reach out to kids. That was most definitely before I had even started school. Once I entered elementary school I realized that I hated kids and my first “What do you want to be when you grow up” dream career died at the drop of a hat.
As I got older my passion for music grew. I knew that one day whatever career I chose I’d want it to deal with music. For as long as I can remember I’ve loved all types of music, but as a young black girl in the 80s/90s I was teased for the rock music I liked. The only rock bands I’d admit to were the iconic ones: U2, Aerosmith, and Red Hot Chili Peppers. It wasn’t until when I heard The Beatles for the first time when I was 13 that this all changed.
The Beatles changed my life. Honestly. I finally let myself go and even though I was still teased, I didn’t care, because all I had to do was put on my head phones and let Paul, John, George and Ringo put a smile on my face. With my new freedom there was one group of people who still managed to make me feel small. My family. I’ve been called everything from weird to an embarrassment. Although, to be honest, they’ve always called me these things or made me feel left out. I am the self proclaimed black sheep. It’s a badge I’m used to wearing. Now that I’m older, I’m civil with my harshest critics, but I’m not very fond of them nor will I ever be.
When it comes to the characters I bring to life, most have a background of abandonment, as I did. My parents never abandoned me in a physical sense. My extended family did on many occasions. Once upon a time ago I was close to cousins, but often when my extended family went out for activities I was mostly excluded from this only to hear from my cousins what an awesome time they had. It made me always feel like I wasn’t as important as my cousins. It was even more hurtful when my parents never stood up for me when I was always left out. I mean, I am an only child which is already pretty lonely to begin with. This didn’t happen all the time, but it happened enough to where I expect people, even today, to leave me out of things. Even I think it’s silly that decades later this effects the way I interact with people today, but I can’t help it. I remember when I moved to Chicago years ago one of the first things my mom said to me was how she didn’t know where I got the courage to do a lot of things on my own because no one in my family ever had the balls to do it. I told her that it was easy. I know that I won’t disappoint me or hold me back from doing what I want and above all else I was used to being alone. Even when I moved back home these “family” members told me how worried they were that I was alone (it never occurred to them to call or email), but living solely on my own was complete bliss to me.
My characters have this loneliness that they battle with yet embrace, like myself. I like to be on my own. I like venturing out into the world not worrying about anyone else yet on one hand it would be nice to have someone to share amazing experiences with. Like myself, my characters march to their own contradictory drum. Hating themselves all the while embracing the life they lead and not wanting to change. It’s hard to explain, but that’s me. The main thing I share with my fictional characters is our love of music and not giving a damn what people think about what we rock out to. The people I write about dare to be different and bold, but sulk hard. They wonder what the world would be like without them, but are frightened of the idea that they may miss something. This thought often pops into my head and it scares me.
Often my personality seeps into every character in one single story. One I write in the vision of my current self will be hurt by my future self only to find friendship in the old me. I’m constantly at war with myself. Fighting to get to an old me that I didn’t particularly like in the first place and reaching for a future self that I’m pretty sure will never exist the way I imagine her. I fear that this future self will be exactly like the current me only more secluded and lost. No matter how much I try to change or ignore it the more I become my fear.
The trouble I run into putting my life into fiction is that my life is now at a standstill, therefore my characters are frozen in time as well. I have yet to accomplish my goal of wanting to be a entertainment journalist or even blogger who follows her favorite bands all over the country like I desperately want to do. I don’t know what steps to make this happen which puts me in this cycle of being completely lost and self loathing. Because of this my characters get no resolution with the struggles they face nor do they find the things that make them happy because they have no idea what makes them happy. Everything is trial and error with an emphasis on the error.
My life is a story that I will continue to attempt to write. I can only try to make myself better and find what made me happy at one time. That is my only way to mold these characters as well as myself. When I find myself out of this darkness I can only hope that these characters will follow.
SN: This was totally supposed to turn out to be a happy post, but if I had done that it wouldn’t have been 100% my life. I’ve laughed off a lot of things to keep from going into a REALLY dark place. I generally am a keep people laughing type of person even though my thoughts on life and myself would suggest otherwise.
By: Asia Aneka Anderson

The Unconfident Preaching Confidence

The other day I was out shopping with my mom. It’s not even summer and the weather is scorching in Ohio. Of course it’s time to look for shorts and tank tops. Both of us being heavier it makes things quite difficult. We live in a society where, if you don’t have a tiny waist and small thighs, you should cover up. For months now I’ve been trying to lose weight and have lost over 30lbs so far. I’m not confident in myself even with this progress, but then again I can’t think of a time in my life where I was. While looking through racks and racks of summer clothes my mom got frustrated because the shorts were “too short”. I said “So? That’s how shorts are made nowadays unless you want something baggy/cargo.” She kept telling me that she couldn’t go out in shorts way above the knee and every time she kept saying “I can’t” my reply was “Says who?” I tried to explain to her as long as you’re happy with it, the outfit isn’t ill fitting, and it’s not breaking dress codes at work then who is to say you can’t wear them. All the while I’m telling her to buy whatever shorts she wants I pass up crop tops that I really really want because I don’t have a flat stomach as of yet. I kicked myself as I left the store because I couldn’t believe I let that voice in my head tell me that those tops weren’t for me. I hate that as women we feel this way. Meanwhile, as we left I continued to tell my mother not to let anyone tell her what she can and can’t wear based on her shape. She then told me how she can’t get rid over her extra weight. “It’s not easy,” I told her. “But you have to be willing to work at it and stay with it.”
From her point of view I can see why she has these body image issues. Not only is this how our society thinks, it’s how she was raised. Most women in her family have body image issues and, to be honest, it’s by their own doing for the most part. They focus a lot on image and tear down the appearance of others, even though on the inside they hate themselves. I never understood their mentality growing up (I guess that’s why I’m the black sheep). I have an aunt that, for as far back as I can remember, always had to have name brand clothing, obsessed over weight, diet, makeup, etc and if you weren’t up on her level image wise she’d turn her nose up at you… all while she battled bulimia. She was heaver as a teenager and while no one talks about it I assumed she turned to an eating disorder because of teasing from perhaps classmates as well as family. I have witnessed these women gossip about others weight and looks since birth, so naturally I do too. I try to catch myself, because whether I grew up with it or not I know what it feels like to be called ugly and fat and there’s no excuse for me to pass that type of negativity to someone else and make them feel horrible. Even to this day when I started losing weight I was almost brought to tears when my grandma told me she could tell I had lost a lot of weight. It made me tear up because from them all I would hear about is my weight gain or negativity about my appearance, not the positive or recognizing my progress. Even my own mother has not recognized my progress. When I tell her it’s almost as it she doesn’t want to hear it and I know it’s because she’s mad at herself that she hasn’t made this type of change for herself.
Growing up around bitter people or not I still tried to drill into my mother’s head that she should own her body. If she doesn’t like it do something about it, but for now to work with what she’s got and not to let anyone tell her she’s less than because she’s not a size 4. Now my next step is to stop looking in the mirror and seeing someone I hate, but to also own my body and love my body. It’s a work in progress.
By: Asia Aneka Anderson

Sunrise, sunset

I spend my time waiting to waste away.
Sunrise, sunset.
Stuck in my mind, at war with my thoughts.
Day in, day out.
Sunrise, sunset.
The speed of the spinning world keeps me pinned to the bed.
Staring into an infinite abyss waiting to be devoured whole.
Sunrise, sunset.
The machine keeps beeping but the flatline is evident.
In an awoken coma scared stiff of the outside world.
Sunrise, sunset.
The important thoughts get lost in translation as the mind keeps turning.
Things that need to be said, quests to be conquered, demons defeated.
Sunrise, sunset.
There is a glimmer that the darkness will fade.
That day will come when I will greet the world with a grin.
From every Sunrise to Sunset.

-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Background on Best Friends

Okay so I’ve been working a lot on a few books that I started a while ago. I just want to get a little feedback on this one called Best Friends. It’s nowhere near halfway done, but I want to put what I have so far out there. Now anytime I post something like this people mostly comment on grammar or punctuation errors. Since I am a perfectionist (to a degree) I know they exist, but it is my controlled chaos. They exist for a reason, mainly cause I know in particular spots where I can add or change things, but I just don’t what should change at this particular time. I just want feedback on the content. Is it something you would read? Is it something that would hold your interests? Do you connect with these characters and their story? Do you see it more as a novel, script, or both? I’ll also let you know that it is broken up and it doesn’t flow. Sorry. I wrote what I know I want in the story and this is what came to me first and unfortunately it doesn’t come to me in order, but I do assure you that what I have as the beginning is the actual beginning. I have at least two other stories I’m writing and I may also post those too. I've posted it just below. So thank you in advance. I really appreciate you reading this, if you do. If you know me I’ve struggled like hell these past few years to get my passion for writing back so bear with me cause I know my talent isn’t what it once was. Thank you!

Best Friends

  Their eyes locked for what seemed like forever. She was amazed to see her best friend standing right in front of her in his dashing tailored tuxedo at the altar. Everything about him was so dapper. His usually very tousled sandy colored hair had not one strand out of place and his olive skin radiated under the beams of sunlight that shone through the church windows. It was as if the Heaven’s were shining a spotlight on the only prize one could hope for. In just a few moments he would go from her being John, her best friend, to John, the husband. A chill slowly crept down her spine as “Here Comes the Bride” played on the church’s organ. There she proceeded to gracefully walk down the aisle wearing a long, strapless, white gown that draped so beautifully over her fair porcelain skin. Her wavy blonde hair looked stunning pinned up beneath her veil. She looked up at him standing there and felt as if they were the only two people in the room. The feelings she had for him were stronger than anything she had ever felt. Unknowingly, tears streamed steadily down her face as their gaze broke and John’s attention became focused on his beaming bride floating towards him. Sadie sat quietly in the crowd, tugging at the short white dress that covered her long mocha colored legs as she hid her love for her best friend as he prepared to marry another woman.
        Sadie was great at hiding her feelings since she had done so for so many years. John gave her one last look as if to ask of his very best friend’s blessing. With a slightly tear stained face, Sadie gave a nod accompanied with a sweet smile assuring him that she would be okay. Sadie was anything but okay. It became force of habit to only nod and smile when John wanted Sadie’s opinion of a new woman that had entered his life. The thoughts of how she should have spoken up years ago taunted her. All the times she came close to pouring her soul to John only to hide in fear of rejection. If John had turned away from her at any point in their lifelong friendship it would’ve been an unbearable blow to Sadie. His happiness outweighed hers. John looked so happy standing in front of his bride. Sadie cringed at the thought of how, in that moment, she wanted to take that happiness away from him. She had wondered if they would’ve been happy together. She’ll never know the answer to that. John’s glance lingered. He could see the confusion on Sadie’s face, but couldn’t quite read her thoughts. They had been best friends since they were small children and the one thing he could never do was read what Sadie was thinking when she closed herself off.
        As the ceremony continued John’s future with his bride flashed before Sadie’s eyes. She pictured John’s life with this perfect woman. They’d go on to have two kids; a boy named Max and a daughter named Julia. His life would be full of softball games, recitals, plays, sleepovers and all of the milestones a parent enjoys with their children. He would have this cookie cutter family and Sadie would have no part in it. The thought of John not being in love and growing old with her gave Sadie an unnerving feeling at the pit of her stomach. How was she to continue with their long random talks when all he talked about was how he was desperately in love with someone else? There was only so much heartbreak she was willing to take on. It puzzled everyone that Sadie wasn’t the one that John had asked to marry him. It was pretty evident to all who surrounded them that she was head over heels in love with him, but John was none the wiser. It hurt for her to see John fawn over this woman, but Sadie always put on her brave face around John and … her to keep from feeling like a love-struck fool. In the end she just wanted her best friend to be happy even though in the process she felt like complete shit.
        The wedding ceremony dragged by slowly and became blurred chaos as Sadie watched the only man she ever truly loved be bound for life to another woman. Sitting in a sea of people she fell into a zone like state just staring forward as the priest’s words turned into muddled gibberish. She sat still as her heartbeat quickened. The palms of her hands became drenched with sweat. She tightly clasped her hands together to distract herself from the feeling of her heart breaking little by little. The more her heart broke the harder she squeezed her petite hands.There was a knot that sat in the pit of her stomach that only grew heavier with each minute. Sadie’s emotions were spinning out of control and she could only hope that the turmoil didn’t show on the outside.
        “Sadie, are you okay, sweetie?” Asked, her boyfriend, Zachary. “You look pretty flush.”
        She gave his hand a weak squeeze and fanned herself. “It’s just a little warm in here. You know how churches are. I’m okay,” Sadie whispered as she gave him an even weaker smile.
        Deep down Zachary knew something was a bit off. For a long time he saw the signs clearly laid out in front of him. He chose to overlook the way she lit up when John was around or called, how she always looked at him with such awe, and all of the stories she told gushing about their years together. ‘That’s how close friends are with one another,’ He often thought to himself. He had no idea exactly how deep her feelings were for her best friend. Zachary loved Sadie madly. He couldn’t possibly imagine his life without her. While Sadie dreamed of what life would have been like with John, Zachary’s imagination flooded with children, family vacations and staring into her eyes for the rest of their lives. That’s everything and more that Sadie meant to him. Their relationship had barely passed the one year mark and all Zachary wanted to do was make Sadie his wife. His suspicions of her feelings for John left him with an engagement ring that sat in the back of his sock drawer for the past few months. Sadie intertwined her slim fingers with Zachary’s. The hurt on his face was evident. She felt absolutely awful that she couldn’t love him the way he loved her. Zachary was a very kind and loving man who adored her more than any man ever had. The smiling and hand holding made her feel like a total fraud, but she had to find a way to get over John, even though it wasn’t working out as she had planned.
         The room spun as the couple said their “I Do’s”. Sadie briefly placed her head in her hands to keep from sobbing and to calm her thoughts. “This cannot be happening,” she thought to herself. “Why didn’t I tell him how I felt? This is so stupid.” Before she could gather her thoughts the newlyweds made their way out of the church. John gave her chin a playful pinch as he walked past her. It took everything inside her to keep from falling apart. John knew exactly what to do to make her weak. She felt as though her heart burst from her chest only to beat it’s last beat in the palm of her hand. Zachary shifted uncomfortably in his seat. It was most maddening to see his girlfriend shudder at the touch of someone else. He felt betrayed but composed himself so as to not make a scene in front of her friends. As the church emptied out, cheering the new couple, Sadie stayed in the background with Zachary. Celebrating John’s union was not something that she was in the mood for.

——-This was it. Their friendship as she knew it had changed forever.

        flashback first meeting
       ——-Over the years Sadie’s friendship with John became a roller coaster. No matter how many good or bad times they were all each other had. There was an instant bond between them when they met 24 years ago. From that first moment the two were attached at the hip and Sadie knew that when she first laid eyes on John that she would have him in her life forever. In Sadie all John saw was his best friend, and nothing more. He knew that she was someone he could always rely on no matter what, but he failed to see why she was so faithful.
From the very first moment, John was Sadie’s knight in shining armor. She was a young girl from the states, Ohio to be exact, in a new land called Leeds. She was nearly six years old and couldn’t quite understand this new place she had to call home where everyone “talked funny” as she would tell her mother everyday after school. Her father, Charles, had moved their family out of the United States for his job. Sadie was an only child, and although she was used to it, being the new kid somewhere foreign made her feel quite lonely. Teasing became a new normal for her as did crying herself to sleep at night. The only friends Sadie was armed with when she crossed the pond was a hamster named Fievel, an army of stuffed penguins, and her diary.
    The day she met John was a day like every other day; try to keep up with what the teachers were saying, sit alone on the playground, pretend you understand what the teachers are saying again, and finish with two older boys teasing you on the walk home. This was her daily routine, but this day was going to change her life in ways she couldn’t have imagined.
     “Who the ‘ell are you?” one of the boys yelled as he threw pebbles at her back.
Even as a little girl Sadie was never one to be intimidated. It was a trait she proudly inherited from her father, nonetheless, this endless torment wasn’t anything she was used to. She only held her books close to her chest and quickly walked along.
"Do you hear me talking to you, bitch?" the other boy shouted.
"MY NAME IS SADIE AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" She finally shouted back trying her best to stand confidently.
The bigger of the two boys pushed her down and laughed as her papers all fell to the ground.
"You watch your mouth, girl," one of them said as the other chuckled.
Before Sadie could say anything in came her knight in shining armor as if he knew there was a damsel in distress.
"Oi, give it a rest and let her be," said a small voice from behind the two thugs.
  Although the boys were reluctant they gave up their tough act and walked away. “Fuck you, John,” one of them mumbled under their breath.
Sadie gave her rescuer a grin as she dusted off her jumper. She studied him with his floppy hair that matched his deep brown eyes. When he smiled back she noticed his faint dimples. For the first time she felt the flutter of butterflies in her stomach. This feeling left her struggling to find words to say.
"Um.. Uh.. Thank you. Those kids were right wankers," she said letting out a forced awkward laugh.
"No problem. My name is John, by the way. You’re the new girl everyone is going on about, right?"
"Sadie," she said as she shook his hand.
"Where are you from, Sadie?" John asked as he picked up all of her books like a young gentleman.
"The states?" Sadie, said unsure as she was trying to catch on to the lingo.
John chuckled. “I know that. Which one?”
The two fast friends laughed as they walked along. John carried her books as he listened to her tell about her travels and the tricks she’s taught her hamster. Sadie was enamored with John. He was kind and funny. She had never met anyone like him. Love was unfamiliar territory for the young girl, but she was certain that she wanted to hold on to John for a long time.

        ——-The walk back to the hotel brought on an awkward silence between Sadie and Zachary. Neither of them could look at each other at all. Sadie couldn’t bring herself to grab his hand to put his mind at ease. All she wanted was to assure him that she was in love with him, but there would be no truth to it and he would know it. From the way that Zachary looked at her earlier that day she could tell that his mind was going a mile a minute trying to figure out what she was really thinking. Nothing she could say would sound genuine enough to overshadow the reality that she wasn’t in love with him.
        As they reached their room Sadie made an attempt at small talk. “I’m so tired. I thought that ceremony was never going to end.”
Sadie watched Zachary’s honey colored eyes turned red. His anger, although subtle, filled the entire room. Whatever was about to come her way was deserved on every level. Sadie closed her eyes and hoped that when she opened them she would be somewhere else, someplace where she could erase the hurt she caused Zachary and where her love of John would dissipate.
        Zachary clenched is teeth and paced the room, making Sadie anxious. What was he thinking? She had never seen him look so frustrated as he did in that moment. Sadie had never seen Zachary without toothy smile on his face. He paced for a long time with his face getting redder by the moment as Sadie watched him in silence, scared that any word she uttered would bring a wrath of hurt and frustration.
       “Zach, what’s—“, Sadie started to say.
       “You made a fool of me,” He said through gritted teeth, staggering his words.
       “What are you talk—,”
       “Don’t. Just don’t. You know exactly what I’m talking about. You drug me to the other side of the planet to watch you throw yourself at another man. A man who just got married, by the way.” He paused. “I knew there was something going on. I knew it and I ignored it like an idiot.” Zachary continued pacing.   
      Sadie slowly approached him. “Zach, nothing is going on. I know what it looks like, but we’ve always been so close. We’ve been through a lot of shit together. I’ve known him since we were five. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I didn’t care about you. I do.” She reached out to grab his arm and he quickly pulled away.
        “If you knew how some of the things you do looked and if you gave a damn about me you would’ve stopped. Do you know you don’t look at me the way you do John? You always give me this blank stare and fake smile. Why are you even with me?” Zachary’s eyes welled with tears. As much as he wanted an answer it scared him of what it would be. He brushed his large hands through his jet black hair as he leaned against the furthest wall in the tiny room.
        “I do love you, Zach. I just…,” Sadie didn’t know how to finish that sentence. There were no words that she could say that could put his mind at ease and also be truth. She didn’t love him and quite possibly she never had.
       “You just what?” Zachary raised his voice. “How dare you say that you love me when you’re clearly head over heels for someone else. I mean, you cried your eyes out through the entire wedding. I tried to ignore that too, but that hurt look on your face when Maggie told you she was pregnant was the last straw for me.” Zachary let out a sigh of defeat. “I feel like such an idiot.”
  Sadie watched as Zachary’s face went from pure anger to complete helplessness. His heart was broken and it was her fault. There was nothing she could possibly do to mend it. No apologies could take away the heartache the thrust upon him. It was lost on her how she could make someone feel the way John made her feel. She didn’t want anyone to  know what that emptiness she often felt, let alone cause it. Sadie remained in her thoughts, lost on what comforting words to put forth.
"You’re not even listening to me!" Zachary snapped at her.
"I am. I am," Sadie replied in a feeble voice. "I don’t know what ot say to you. I do love you, Zach. You just don’t know my whole past. You don’t understand. I…. I don’t blame you for not understanding, but please know that I do care for you." Sadie moved toward him, reaching for his hand that he quickly withdrew. "Zach, you are the kindest man I know. You’re brilliant. I don’t tell you that enough."
The words hit Zachary like tiny needles. He scoffed. “I’ve been here these last few days and watched you do nothing but giggle, fuss with your hair, and bat your eyelashes at this guy, but I’m brilliant.” He paused and gave her an ice cold stare. “Yeah, everything you’re saying is bullshit.”
"But Zach—"
"Why can’t you just love me? That’s all I ever wanted from you. It is not a lot to ask. I show you that I love you everyday and you give me nothing." He looked away to hide his tears.
His words packed monstrous punch that left Sadie winded. Why couldn’t she just love him. He was the only man that gave her a level of compassion that she thought she’d ever get from her father. The amount of love he showered upon her would make any woman want to shake sense into her for throwing away such a good man. Tears flowed freely from her dark eyes.
   “I’m so sorry.” Sadie took not to keep her distance, although it tore her apart not to grab him and hold him. “I know ‘sorry’ doesn’t means nothing right now, but….,” she sighed knowing she was going to regret the words about to pour from her mouth. Zachary listened with his head hung and his jaw clenched. “You have to understand that this was a man that I thought was my soulmate. You’re asking me to dial back 24 years worth of feelings in an instant. I’m not saying all of this to hurt you. That is the last thing I want to do. This is me being honest with you. You deserve that. I’m pissed he’s never loved me the way I loved him and that’s very difficult for me to get over. I wish I could snap my fingers and be done with it, but it doesn’t work that way. I’m not lying when I tell you that you are the greatest guy. I feel like a piece of shit for  what I put you through. You deserve so much better than me. I can admit that. I’m sorry.” Sadie slumped to the bed drained of everything she had.
Zachary crossed his arms across his broad chest. Her words swirled around his mind as he attempted to absorb them. Even through all the honesty it cut deep. There was no more fight in him. It was going nowhere fast. Both of them spent and drained of tears.
    “You’re right. I don’t deserve this. I love you. I treat you like a queen. I treat your daughter like she’s my own. I give you everything.”

——-Flashback John’s mom dies
   The night was unusually quiet and still. Sadie rolled over staring at the bright red numbers on her clock until they became a blur as she fell into a deep sleep. Outside the world remained still. The faint noise of crickets could be heard in the distance. Sadie awoke to a light tapping. He eyes flung open. She stared ahead, until her eyes came into focus. ‘Only 20 minutes. My mind is obviously playing tricks on me.’ The conversation between the crickets began to lull her to sleep again.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Sadie turned to see a large figure outside her bedroom window. It could only be one person.
"What are you doing here this late, John?" She asked, opening the window quietly. "It’s almost 2. If my parents catch you here-" She noticed John seemed to be out of sorts. "What’s wrong?" She whispered.
"Me mum’s dead," John said, almost inaudibly.
Without saying a word, Sadie pulled her best friend into her bedroom and held onto him tight. The two stayed in each others arms as John wept softly. Julia was John’s world and like a second mother to Sadie. As close as Sadie was to Julia she still couldn’t fathom what John was feeling. For the past year they both watch Julia battle with cancer. Although the ending was inevitable, it’s still not something one is truly prepared for. Now John was all alone. His father had left when he was a baby and he was an only child.
      “I’m so sorry, John,” said Sadie.
The sounds of night stayed still even with the chaos that was pulling apart John’s world. Sadie wiped the tears from John’s full cheeks. If there were any way to take his pain away Sadie would’ve willingly done it.
  “She knows you loved her, John. We all did.” She pulled him for a hug before walking him to her bed. “Get some rest, okay?”
John painfully eased under the blankets. Sadie couldn’t read if she should stay close with her friend or give him his space. If it was the other way around, Sadie had hoped that John would be there to comfort her no matter what. She took a leap of faith and crawled in beside him. John settled his head upon Sadie’s and laced his fingers with hers. The two friends laid beside each other quietly trying to process the events of the near future. This could possibly alter the course of their whole friendship. John was only 15 and Sadie had know clue if there were any relatives nearby. She couldn’t bear it if her best friend had to move away.
John sighed heavily. “I have to move in with my aunt,” he said. “It’s so stupid. I won’t even be there for more than two years. I can’t understand why I can’t stay in me mum’s house.”
"I’d say you could stay here until we’re out of school, but my parents will have none of that," Sadie joked.
John laughed softly. “I know, but thanks for thinking of me.  I know you’re joking, but if you could you would.”
Sadie closed her eyes. “In a heartbeat.” She snuggled closer to him, with their hands still intertwined. “I love you,” she trailed off.
She furrowed her brow, confused as to why she didn’t hear a response. It’s something they usually said in jest to each other. Perhaps it shocked him to hear her say it in this context. Well, they are only words after all and they are being spoken amongst close friends. The length of time she waited to hear those words back scared her. Suddenly there was a rumble of a low snore as his head still rested on hers. That was the first time she said she loved him and meant it. In that moment Sadie felt most selfish that all she wanted from him was to hear those words back. This wasn’t the time to put those types of expectations on him. Being there for him is all she needed to do right now. Sadie held her friend near as she closed her eyes for the night.

By: Asia Aneka Anderson