Vows To Myself

I have been trying so hard this year to make positive changes in my life. I'm mapping out ways to change my mind, body, and soul so that I can get closer to the person I want to be.

I used to love writing so very much. I am going to make a promise to myself to write at least 4 days a week. It doesn't matter if it's just a daily blog, poems, stories, etc. I just need to get back to what I used to love. My passion. Also you guys can assist me with this goal. I one day want to go on to be a writer, and the way you can help is by reblogging, liking, feedback, etc. For the most part we're all artists on Tumblr, whether it be drawing, music, fashion, writing, photography, etc and I feel we all should help each other. I post things to all my social media accounts (posted on my blogs) so share share share. It seems like the only things that get shared tons around here is fan art. Us writers need love too. Some of you, that have been so kind to me, I'd also like to get to know and would be happy to call friends and helping each other out and wanting each other to reach our goals would be a great place to start.
 I also wouldn't mind collaborating with some folks. I've talked a while about making a YouTube channel and for some of us to get involved with that would be great. I still for the life of me don't know what it would be about, but I'm still thinking about it.

I've been trying my hardest to keep a workout routine. The hardest thing to drill into my head is that it won't happen overnight. Telling myself this everyday has helped me keep on track a lot more that I did in the past. I'm making a promise to myself to keep this up and not get discouraged. I could actually do with increasing my workout. I've also done a great job at cutting out pop for the past few years, but I'll indulge a few times a month (definitely an improvement from an all day everyday habit). I'm making a promise that from now on I will have none. Only water and maybe, just maybe, tea. Also no snacks. If I do just one a day and it will be a small one, not a giant sized Hershey bar lol (I'm guilty of this).
My skin has also been something I've hated about myself for the longest time. I have taken the time to test out what home remedies work best so that I can stand to look in the mirror. I can now touch my face and smile. I'm not anywhere near where I want to be where this is concerned either, but it's the small changes like seeing dark spots get lighter that make me feel better. I promise to keep up my routine of cleanser, vitamin E cream (morning), and aloe vera (night) to get me to where I need to be.
The last thing I want to improve when it comes to my body is my hair. It's been a year since I've gone natural. Sometimes I get frustrated because it's not a long as I assumed it would be in a year and also because no matter what my hair isn't the curly coily texture I had hoped for, but instead kinky. Like with my weight loss I have to remind myself that hair growth doesn't happen overnight. I promise to just stick with the fun I have trying new styles, oils, shampoos, etc and to remind myself that it's only hair. It's not that serious. I will say that running my fingers through my fro makes me feel powerful. I want to feel like that always.

When it comes to my soul I want to either learn to repair broken relationships or forgive and forget. I've stated in several posts about how most of my friends abandoned me in my time of need. I need to learn to either let these people go entirely or give them the benefit of the doubt even if I've done that several times already throughout our friendship. I've always been the type of person who likes to communicate to sort out a problem. Even if these friends and I go our separate ways I would still like to talk it out so that there are no loose ends. I hate loose ends.
While on the topic of communication. While in Chicago there were a few men I ran into who I feel liked me (or not. Only one confessed way later that he did) and were good guys and I either dodged their feelings because of whatever I was going through and I may have hurt them in the process. I posted a poem I wrote a few days ago titled "Sometimes" directed at one of these men who, if I really hurt, I regret it. I want to change and have the courage to let these few know that I didn't hurt them intentionally. My own insecurities with my looks, intelligence, outlook on life, etc got in the way of me loving another person, including myself. I really hate that cause the guy I wrote the poem about was close to a perfect guy who definitely deserved better than me. I was, and still am to a degree, a broken woman. He was such a positive happy go lucky person with a great outlook on life. I would have ruined that. I'm not 100% sure if he liked me, but sometimes he would give me these looks, when he thought I couldn't see him, that made me feel loved. I miss that. I want to change from the inside out so I can be that woman I wanted to be for him even if it may be for someone else. Although I don't think antidepressants are the way for me I hope I can find something within so I can be somewhat of a positive person. And I know people are going to take this as that I want to change myself for a man. Not at all. I think, man or woman, if you are a good person then you deserve that in a mate. That's what this guy was. I'm not saying I'm a bad person, but I'm definitely not a "nothing can bring me down" type and nothing, I mean nothing, got this dude down. I admired that and want that for myself.
Also for my soul I just want to be more at peace. My mind torments me everyday and I try to focus on something that will keep me from imploding. I know that I will have to indulge into my goals for mind and body to make this easier. Workout to take my mind off it or write it down and turn it into something great.
I'm making a promise to myself to, from this day forward, to be the best Asia I can be. I promise to try and live my life to the fullest and try to love myself instead of hating myself. I've hated myself for most of my life and I think it's about time for that to change. I don't deserve such hate from the one person that should love me the most.

-Asia Aneka Anderson

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