I
feel like there’s a change coming in my love life (at least I hope). I
met this guy about two months ago on a dating site and we instantly hit
it off. The only downside is that we’re not in the same state. I haven’t
had anyone make me this happy in a while. He sends me ‘good morning’
texts and checks up on me to see how my day is and recently he’s been
telling me a lot that he wishes I could be there to cuddle with and that
he thinks about me all the time. That takes me by surprise because in
all the years I’ve been dating I never heard those things from
boyfriends let alone someone I just met. I know it’s strictly an
internet and phone thing for right now therefore I’m not going to be the
type to fall for every word, but it is incredibly nice to hear all
these things. I won’t know for sure, until I meet him, if everything he
says is coming from his heart or just something he thinks I want to
hear, but I’m hoping for the best. After all I’ve been through I deserve
a good man and I’m at a point in my life where I feel I’m capable to
receive and give that type of love. I wasn’t that type of person before,
but I’m older and wiser now. I told him that I believe we’ll get a real
chance to give this a go since he lives in a city where I was and
desperately want to get back to. I lived in Chicago for over 4 years and
was alone the whole time. It would be nice to move back soon and
finally get to explore the city hand in hand with someone else and make a
real home there. I just have to be patient and keep telling myself that
if it is truly meant to be then the universe will make a way for it to
be so. I’ve got my fingers crossed.
I'm just a girl with a lot to say. I've got a ton of stories to share and minds to open. Here I show to you my poetry, stories, and other topics that fill my mind.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Over the past several months I have been making changes in my life.
I’ve been working on myself psychically as well as seeing what really
makes me tick. With both going through my journey of going natural and
also being in a state of wanting to be in love I decided to dive into
what has attracted me to certain men in the past and what has ran me
away from others. I say this because all my adult life my boyfriends
have been white. That’s not to say I haven’t been intimate with, or been
attracted to men of other races, because I have, but they never
resulted into anything meaningful. In recent months my preference has
done a complete 180. All I want to do is spend the rest of my life with a
black man.
I bet if my parents heard that they’d probably jump for joy, but I’m not doing it for anyone’s approval. This change all started when I lived in Chicago. Growing up in Dayton, Ohio, for me, always seemed like slim pickens. Dayton isn’t small, but there is a small minded mentality. As a teenager and into my early twenties when it came to black men I only attracted a stereotype. It was always the dudes with the pants under their butt, and giving me the “psssttt…. Hey shorty.” every time I walked by and then yelling “Fuck you then, bitch.” when I didn’t comply. All these things made me cringe. I’m 31 now and started dating at 14. In all of this time, when it came to black men, only twice have I been approached the right way. Unfortunately, they weren’t my type, but I did applaud them on being perfect gentlemen. The other reason no relationships with black men flourished is because I was always seen as a “white girl.” I like rock music, foreign films, museums, etc. All of these things are my life. Whereas black men didn’t get this and didn’t relate but of course white men did. With them I could be myself and like what I liked without feeling embarrassed or looked down upon. Once I moved to Chicago it was a culture shock. I attended Columbia College which is a hipster breeding ground, as far as I’m concerned, and my mind was blown to see so many people of color who were just like me. Finally I wasn’t the only one. Even though I saw all these people like me still they weren’t like me. They all intimidated me. They were already from this city that was drowning in an amazing music scene, art, and this exuberant culture. I had nothing on these kids. It was like I was an imposter pop culture hipster compared to these kids.
While I tried to adapt to this city lifestyle I did run into a few black men that sparked my interest. One of those I regret not pursing further. Again I felt intimidated. I felt like I would’ve been a disappointment in some way because I’d become used to dating white men. What if I didn’t live up to be what a black woman should be? That thought crossed my mind when it came to these few. I wasn’t going to embarrass myself in this big new place and feel even more like an outcast. I should’ve taken a chance anyways, but I let my fear get in the way of me acting upon it.
Now I’m back in Dayton where the choices are still slim pickens on any man no matter the race, in my opinion, but at least I still have ties in Chicago. I am at a point in my life where I do want to settle down and that’s brought me to many dating sites along with social media. There is one thing that I’ve noticed through this discovery. Most dark skinned men are only interested in light skinned girls and Latinas. That disturbed me a bit, but seeing as what my preference once was, it shouldn’t have. Although in my case my preferences were what they were out of being an outcast to an extent, not because I believe one race or shade is more beautiful than the other. I was speaking with one of the crushes from Chicago recently and he started listing off what attracted him to me and one thing he actually said was because I had light skin. That broke my heart. I don’t see myself as a light skinned girl and I definitely don’t want to been seen as having an advantage over anyone else because of my skin tone. When it comes to other men across the country in smaller cities that I find attractive who have similar personalities I see that their interests lie mainly with white women and that sucks. I have to sit back and realize that this is possibly how men felt about me. It’s a shock to the system that I didn’t have before. I never wanted it to come off that I thought white men were better. I really hope it didn’t come off that way because when I look at these men who prefer lighter skinned, white, or Latina women I can’t help but feel that way.
I’m not sure what else I’ll discover about myself while I try to make these positive changes. This is definitely a big one for me. Because perhaps when it comes to a soulmate I was looking in the wrong places. It’s a big world out there and I can’t wait to see it again. Hopefully while I’m out in the world I can do it with someone by my side. That’s the dream.
I bet if my parents heard that they’d probably jump for joy, but I’m not doing it for anyone’s approval. This change all started when I lived in Chicago. Growing up in Dayton, Ohio, for me, always seemed like slim pickens. Dayton isn’t small, but there is a small minded mentality. As a teenager and into my early twenties when it came to black men I only attracted a stereotype. It was always the dudes with the pants under their butt, and giving me the “psssttt…. Hey shorty.” every time I walked by and then yelling “Fuck you then, bitch.” when I didn’t comply. All these things made me cringe. I’m 31 now and started dating at 14. In all of this time, when it came to black men, only twice have I been approached the right way. Unfortunately, they weren’t my type, but I did applaud them on being perfect gentlemen. The other reason no relationships with black men flourished is because I was always seen as a “white girl.” I like rock music, foreign films, museums, etc. All of these things are my life. Whereas black men didn’t get this and didn’t relate but of course white men did. With them I could be myself and like what I liked without feeling embarrassed or looked down upon. Once I moved to Chicago it was a culture shock. I attended Columbia College which is a hipster breeding ground, as far as I’m concerned, and my mind was blown to see so many people of color who were just like me. Finally I wasn’t the only one. Even though I saw all these people like me still they weren’t like me. They all intimidated me. They were already from this city that was drowning in an amazing music scene, art, and this exuberant culture. I had nothing on these kids. It was like I was an imposter pop culture hipster compared to these kids.
While I tried to adapt to this city lifestyle I did run into a few black men that sparked my interest. One of those I regret not pursing further. Again I felt intimidated. I felt like I would’ve been a disappointment in some way because I’d become used to dating white men. What if I didn’t live up to be what a black woman should be? That thought crossed my mind when it came to these few. I wasn’t going to embarrass myself in this big new place and feel even more like an outcast. I should’ve taken a chance anyways, but I let my fear get in the way of me acting upon it.
Now I’m back in Dayton where the choices are still slim pickens on any man no matter the race, in my opinion, but at least I still have ties in Chicago. I am at a point in my life where I do want to settle down and that’s brought me to many dating sites along with social media. There is one thing that I’ve noticed through this discovery. Most dark skinned men are only interested in light skinned girls and Latinas. That disturbed me a bit, but seeing as what my preference once was, it shouldn’t have. Although in my case my preferences were what they were out of being an outcast to an extent, not because I believe one race or shade is more beautiful than the other. I was speaking with one of the crushes from Chicago recently and he started listing off what attracted him to me and one thing he actually said was because I had light skin. That broke my heart. I don’t see myself as a light skinned girl and I definitely don’t want to been seen as having an advantage over anyone else because of my skin tone. When it comes to other men across the country in smaller cities that I find attractive who have similar personalities I see that their interests lie mainly with white women and that sucks. I have to sit back and realize that this is possibly how men felt about me. It’s a shock to the system that I didn’t have before. I never wanted it to come off that I thought white men were better. I really hope it didn’t come off that way because when I look at these men who prefer lighter skinned, white, or Latina women I can’t help but feel that way.
I’m not sure what else I’ll discover about myself while I try to make these positive changes. This is definitely a big one for me. Because perhaps when it comes to a soulmate I was looking in the wrong places. It’s a big world out there and I can’t wait to see it again. Hopefully while I’m out in the world I can do it with someone by my side. That’s the dream.
Just My Type
A guy that will give me flowers on any other day except Valentine’s Day.
That will not look at me like I’m immature when I make a dick joke, but instead will add to it.
One that will understand that I like my space.
That knows when I say “I’m fine” to just hug me and leave me alone.
One that will motivate me.
A guy that’s willing to be spontaneous with me.
One that won’t mind movie marathon nights.
A guy that’s ready for a big family.
One that will appreciate my randomness and quirkiness.
One that I can have long talks with about nothing and everything.
A guy that I can call my best friend.
One that will love me for me.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites
Vows To Myself
I have been trying so hard this year to make positive changes in my
life. I'm mapping out ways to change my mind, body, and soul so that I
can get closer to the person I want to be.
Mind
I used to love writing so very much. I am going to make a promise to myself to write at least 4 days a week. It doesn't matter if it's just a daily blog, poems, stories, etc. I just need to get back to what I used to love. My passion. Also you guys can assist me with this goal. I one day want to go on to be a writer, and the way you can help is by reblogging, liking, feedback, etc. For the most part we're all artists on Tumblr, whether it be drawing, music, fashion, writing, photography, etc and I feel we all should help each other. I post things to all my social media accounts (posted on my blogs) so share share share. It seems like the only things that get shared tons around here is fan art. Us writers need love too. Some of you, that have been so kind to me, I'd also like to get to know and would be happy to call friends and helping each other out and wanting each other to reach our goals would be a great place to start.
I also wouldn't mind collaborating with some folks. I've talked a while about making a YouTube channel and for some of us to get involved with that would be great. I still for the life of me don't know what it would be about, but I'm still thinking about it.
Body
I've been trying my hardest to keep a workout routine. The hardest thing to drill into my head is that it won't happen overnight. Telling myself this everyday has helped me keep on track a lot more that I did in the past. I'm making a promise to myself to keep this up and not get discouraged. I could actually do with increasing my workout. I've also done a great job at cutting out pop for the past few years, but I'll indulge a few times a month (definitely an improvement from an all day everyday habit). I'm making a promise that from now on I will have none. Only water and maybe, just maybe, tea. Also no snacks. If I do just one a day and it will be a small one, not a giant sized Hershey bar lol (I'm guilty of this).
My skin has also been something I've hated about myself for the longest time. I have taken the time to test out what home remedies work best so that I can stand to look in the mirror. I can now touch my face and smile. I'm not anywhere near where I want to be where this is concerned either, but it's the small changes like seeing dark spots get lighter that make me feel better. I promise to keep up my routine of cleanser, vitamin E cream (morning), and aloe vera (night) to get me to where I need to be.
The last thing I want to improve when it comes to my body is my hair. It's been a year since I've gone natural. Sometimes I get frustrated because it's not a long as I assumed it would be in a year and also because no matter what my hair isn't the curly coily texture I had hoped for, but instead kinky. Like with my weight loss I have to remind myself that hair growth doesn't happen overnight. I promise to just stick with the fun I have trying new styles, oils, shampoos, etc and to remind myself that it's only hair. It's not that serious. I will say that running my fingers through my fro makes me feel powerful. I want to feel like that always.
Soul
When it comes to my soul I want to either learn to repair broken relationships or forgive and forget. I've stated in several posts about how most of my friends abandoned me in my time of need. I need to learn to either let these people go entirely or give them the benefit of the doubt even if I've done that several times already throughout our friendship. I've always been the type of person who likes to communicate to sort out a problem. Even if these friends and I go our separate ways I would still like to talk it out so that there are no loose ends. I hate loose ends.
While on the topic of communication. While in Chicago there were a few men I ran into who I feel liked me (or not. Only one confessed way later that he did) and were good guys and I either dodged their feelings because of whatever I was going through and I may have hurt them in the process. I posted a poem I wrote a few days ago titled "Sometimes" directed at one of these men who, if I really hurt, I regret it. I want to change and have the courage to let these few know that I didn't hurt them intentionally. My own insecurities with my looks, intelligence, outlook on life, etc got in the way of me loving another person, including myself. I really hate that cause the guy I wrote the poem about was close to a perfect guy who definitely deserved better than me. I was, and still am to a degree, a broken woman. He was such a positive happy go lucky person with a great outlook on life. I would have ruined that. I'm not 100% sure if he liked me, but sometimes he would give me these looks, when he thought I couldn't see him, that made me feel loved. I miss that. I want to change from the inside out so I can be that woman I wanted to be for him even if it may be for someone else. Although I don't think antidepressants are the way for me I hope I can find something within so I can be somewhat of a positive person. And I know people are going to take this as that I want to change myself for a man. Not at all. I think, man or woman, if you are a good person then you deserve that in a mate. That's what this guy was. I'm not saying I'm a bad person, but I'm definitely not a "nothing can bring me down" type and nothing, I mean nothing, got this dude down. I admired that and want that for myself.
Also for my soul I just want to be more at peace. My mind torments me everyday and I try to focus on something that will keep me from imploding. I know that I will have to indulge into my goals for mind and body to make this easier. Workout to take my mind off it or write it down and turn it into something great.
I'm making a promise to myself to, from this day forward, to be the best Asia I can be. I promise to try and live my life to the fullest and try to love myself instead of hating myself. I've hated myself for most of my life and I think it's about time for that to change. I don't deserve such hate from the one person that should love me the most.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
Mind
I used to love writing so very much. I am going to make a promise to myself to write at least 4 days a week. It doesn't matter if it's just a daily blog, poems, stories, etc. I just need to get back to what I used to love. My passion. Also you guys can assist me with this goal. I one day want to go on to be a writer, and the way you can help is by reblogging, liking, feedback, etc. For the most part we're all artists on Tumblr, whether it be drawing, music, fashion, writing, photography, etc and I feel we all should help each other. I post things to all my social media accounts (posted on my blogs) so share share share. It seems like the only things that get shared tons around here is fan art. Us writers need love too. Some of you, that have been so kind to me, I'd also like to get to know and would be happy to call friends and helping each other out and wanting each other to reach our goals would be a great place to start.
I also wouldn't mind collaborating with some folks. I've talked a while about making a YouTube channel and for some of us to get involved with that would be great. I still for the life of me don't know what it would be about, but I'm still thinking about it.
Body
I've been trying my hardest to keep a workout routine. The hardest thing to drill into my head is that it won't happen overnight. Telling myself this everyday has helped me keep on track a lot more that I did in the past. I'm making a promise to myself to keep this up and not get discouraged. I could actually do with increasing my workout. I've also done a great job at cutting out pop for the past few years, but I'll indulge a few times a month (definitely an improvement from an all day everyday habit). I'm making a promise that from now on I will have none. Only water and maybe, just maybe, tea. Also no snacks. If I do just one a day and it will be a small one, not a giant sized Hershey bar lol (I'm guilty of this).
My skin has also been something I've hated about myself for the longest time. I have taken the time to test out what home remedies work best so that I can stand to look in the mirror. I can now touch my face and smile. I'm not anywhere near where I want to be where this is concerned either, but it's the small changes like seeing dark spots get lighter that make me feel better. I promise to keep up my routine of cleanser, vitamin E cream (morning), and aloe vera (night) to get me to where I need to be.
The last thing I want to improve when it comes to my body is my hair. It's been a year since I've gone natural. Sometimes I get frustrated because it's not a long as I assumed it would be in a year and also because no matter what my hair isn't the curly coily texture I had hoped for, but instead kinky. Like with my weight loss I have to remind myself that hair growth doesn't happen overnight. I promise to just stick with the fun I have trying new styles, oils, shampoos, etc and to remind myself that it's only hair. It's not that serious. I will say that running my fingers through my fro makes me feel powerful. I want to feel like that always.
Soul
When it comes to my soul I want to either learn to repair broken relationships or forgive and forget. I've stated in several posts about how most of my friends abandoned me in my time of need. I need to learn to either let these people go entirely or give them the benefit of the doubt even if I've done that several times already throughout our friendship. I've always been the type of person who likes to communicate to sort out a problem. Even if these friends and I go our separate ways I would still like to talk it out so that there are no loose ends. I hate loose ends.
While on the topic of communication. While in Chicago there were a few men I ran into who I feel liked me (or not. Only one confessed way later that he did) and were good guys and I either dodged their feelings because of whatever I was going through and I may have hurt them in the process. I posted a poem I wrote a few days ago titled "Sometimes" directed at one of these men who, if I really hurt, I regret it. I want to change and have the courage to let these few know that I didn't hurt them intentionally. My own insecurities with my looks, intelligence, outlook on life, etc got in the way of me loving another person, including myself. I really hate that cause the guy I wrote the poem about was close to a perfect guy who definitely deserved better than me. I was, and still am to a degree, a broken woman. He was such a positive happy go lucky person with a great outlook on life. I would have ruined that. I'm not 100% sure if he liked me, but sometimes he would give me these looks, when he thought I couldn't see him, that made me feel loved. I miss that. I want to change from the inside out so I can be that woman I wanted to be for him even if it may be for someone else. Although I don't think antidepressants are the way for me I hope I can find something within so I can be somewhat of a positive person. And I know people are going to take this as that I want to change myself for a man. Not at all. I think, man or woman, if you are a good person then you deserve that in a mate. That's what this guy was. I'm not saying I'm a bad person, but I'm definitely not a "nothing can bring me down" type and nothing, I mean nothing, got this dude down. I admired that and want that for myself.
Also for my soul I just want to be more at peace. My mind torments me everyday and I try to focus on something that will keep me from imploding. I know that I will have to indulge into my goals for mind and body to make this easier. Workout to take my mind off it or write it down and turn it into something great.
I'm making a promise to myself to, from this day forward, to be the best Asia I can be. I promise to try and live my life to the fullest and try to love myself instead of hating myself. I've hated myself for most of my life and I think it's about time for that to change. I don't deserve such hate from the one person that should love me the most.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
Sometimes
Sometimes I wonder what could have been.
Sometimes I think about what it would’ve been to have you in my life now.
I trusted you more in a few months than people I’ve known my whole life.
I let you in with no questions asked.
Sometimes I wonder if I had been a comfort to you too.
Sometimes I wonder if we could’ve been more had I not been so stubborn.
Sometimes I wonder if you felt the same about me.
I think you did.
I let my loyalty to a friend who liked you cloud my happiness.
I know what it feels like to be betrayed.
I didn’t have the heart to do it to someone else.
In the end, even though I didn’t hurt her, I felt like I hurt you.
I could see in your eyes what you felt and I kept my distance.
Both of us with this secret affection for one another.
I was afraid that you’d be the man of my dreams and I’d be your disappointment.
Sometimes I felt like you deserved better.
You deserved someone who was secure enough to give you all of her love.
I couldn’t be the woman I wanted to be for you then.
I was stuck battling my own demons.
Since we last spoke you’ve had few women come in and out of your life.
Judging by the look on your face I assumed you’d been hurt.
Sometimes I’d like to think if I had been a strong woman I could’ve saved you from this heartache.
Sometimes I think of the simple things like holding your hand just to let you know that I’ll always be there for you.
Sometimes I kick myself for not telling you how I felt.
I mostly kick myself for that time we almost kissed and somehow it didn’t happen.
Sometimes I like to believe that although it’s been years since I’ve seen your face, if we were meant to be, fate would bring us together.
We’d be the hipster version of the Huxtables. Creating art and love wherever we went.
Sometimes I hold onto that thought of fate.
Sometimes I wonder if you think that too….
… or if you even remember me at all.
Sometimes I miss our talks, your smile, and the time we sat on the beach all night until we saw the sunrise.
Sometimes I wonder if you know how special that moment was to me.
You’ve been flooding my mind lately and I wish there was a way for me to get to you.
I wish I could finally tell you how I felt.
Maybe one day I’ll get that chance and actually take it.
Sometimes I wish that moment was now, but I will remain patient until the universe brings me back to you.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
Sometimes I think about what it would’ve been to have you in my life now.
I trusted you more in a few months than people I’ve known my whole life.
I let you in with no questions asked.
Sometimes I wonder if I had been a comfort to you too.
Sometimes I wonder if we could’ve been more had I not been so stubborn.
Sometimes I wonder if you felt the same about me.
I think you did.
I let my loyalty to a friend who liked you cloud my happiness.
I know what it feels like to be betrayed.
I didn’t have the heart to do it to someone else.
In the end, even though I didn’t hurt her, I felt like I hurt you.
I could see in your eyes what you felt and I kept my distance.
Both of us with this secret affection for one another.
I was afraid that you’d be the man of my dreams and I’d be your disappointment.
Sometimes I felt like you deserved better.
You deserved someone who was secure enough to give you all of her love.
I couldn’t be the woman I wanted to be for you then.
I was stuck battling my own demons.
Since we last spoke you’ve had few women come in and out of your life.
Judging by the look on your face I assumed you’d been hurt.
Sometimes I’d like to think if I had been a strong woman I could’ve saved you from this heartache.
Sometimes I think of the simple things like holding your hand just to let you know that I’ll always be there for you.
Sometimes I kick myself for not telling you how I felt.
I mostly kick myself for that time we almost kissed and somehow it didn’t happen.
Sometimes I like to believe that although it’s been years since I’ve seen your face, if we were meant to be, fate would bring us together.
We’d be the hipster version of the Huxtables. Creating art and love wherever we went.
Sometimes I hold onto that thought of fate.
Sometimes I wonder if you think that too….
… or if you even remember me at all.
Sometimes I miss our talks, your smile, and the time we sat on the beach all night until we saw the sunrise.
Sometimes I wonder if you know how special that moment was to me.
You’ve been flooding my mind lately and I wish there was a way for me to get to you.
I wish I could finally tell you how I felt.
Maybe one day I’ll get that chance and actually take it.
Sometimes I wish that moment was now, but I will remain patient until the universe brings me back to you.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
Boyfriend, Where Art Thou?
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