Day 120: Every. Single. Year #ItsGonnaBeMay #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals
Day 119: I love seeing my people stand up for what's right. I wish I was marching with y'all #StopKillingUs #ImWithYouBaltimore #prayforbaltimore #BlackLivesMatter #2015 #365DaysOfHappy
Day 118: April is #NationalPoetryMonth and since it's almost over here's the latest I wrote that I feel is also very important #BlackLivesMatter #TargetOnMyBack #PrayForBaltimore #StopKillingUs #WeAreNotThugs #poem #poetry #Instapoet #Instapoetry #PoetsOfInstagram #amwriting #2015 #365daysofhappy #happygoals #myedit #InsideMyCreativeMind

Target On My Back

I can’t live with a target on my back.
It’s no longer “hands up don’t shoot.”
The higher my hands don’t stop the bullets.
The lighter my skin don’t stop the stares.
These targets don’t fade.
It’s open season.
The news stations love showing savages.
The cause at hand ignored.
Only the negative captured in the camera lens.
The message is freedom.
The fight is for justice.
You’re distracted by the word riot.
You’re distracted from the target on my back.
Can’t you see the anger?
Frustrated the value of my life is zero.
We are treated as nothing.
Can’t you see the suffering?
A mother burying her son.
A baby that will never know their parent.
All because of that target on their back.
A target that will never be erased.
Only change can make that diminish.
The only way we can change is if you acknowledge the target on my back.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, Target On My Back 2015©

Run Wild Child

She was a little girl with a fire in her heart.
Creating colorful worlds in her mind.
Everything became so magical.
An imagination that took her everywhere.
All she ever wanted was to run free.
Never wanting the fire inside to die.
She wanted that fire to move mountains.
Climbing atop the tallest she could find.
The chill in the air made her feel alive.
As the little girl grew she had to return to  safer plains.
Still that fire burned.
That urge to run free raged inside.
She tried to calm her younger self.
“We have responsibilities now.”
“No more time for childish things.”
The fire dimmed, but still it burned.
If only she could release that wild child.
To live as she wanted to live.
Throw caution to the wind.
To be young and foolish.
If only she could have stayed true to her wild roots.
All she wanted is to forever be a wild child.
To never let that creative fire burn out.
Her wild imagination slowly faded.
Her younger self screaming to break free.
Shaking the burden of responsibilities like prison bars.
One day she hoped to relight the fire inside her.
Let it burn brighter than it ever had before.
The magic is missing but not lost.
It’s hidden from the sight of the grown.
All she has to do is reach that wild child.
Set her free.
Let her dream.
Keep her fire burning bright.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, Run Wild Child 2015©

This Is Art: Learn, Create, and Share

This is a business plan for an art gallery I’d love to own one day.
        With most art galleries and museums the only art that is displayed is drawing, painting, sculpture, photography, and maybe, JUST MAYBE videography.
        I want an art gallery that showcases all art. I’m talking about poetry, acting, dancing, music, comedians, fashion design, etc. This is all art to me and I believe there should be a place where it can ALL come together.
        In my gallery I’d love to have themes/events. For instance perhaps during February we’d display art that represents black history, or dancers would choreograph an interpretive dance, film students can make short films on the subject, etc. Also think in terms of October for breast cancer awareness, or a freedom theme for Independence day or 9/11. It’d be nice to, with the exception of whole themed months, to possibly have each week in a month dedicated to a certain field of art; like week 1: poetry, week 2: painting, week 3: photography, week 4: dancing. Of course some fields would intertwine with others and I don’t have that all mapped out yet, but that brings me to my next point. I would also like to see artists collaborate. An example if a poet read one of their poems and a dancer choreographed a dance to their poem or if a musician played an original song and a painter drew what they felt the music was saying. I want to build a community where all artists can come together. Collaborations and displaying their work is where the “share” part in the name comes from.
        The “learn” part of the name points to teaching. If at all possible I’d love to start this venture with my best friend, Janyce, who is an artist in her own right. With her being the painter it would be great to have her teach art a few days a week to anyone who wants to learn. I don’t see it as being a regular class where people would pay X amount of dollars for 12 classes or something. I see it starting off as a pay for each session type of thing. As time goes on and if there’s repeat students, then maybe I could vision a play for a lump sum of classes off the bat. I would teach about poetry and writing in general. The thing that sucks about this is my old friend Melissa was heavy into photography. I’ve had the idea about this gallery for some time now and I had always envisioned Janyce, Melissa, and myself starting this together. No worries of that. There are artists in the area that I hope would take a few hours a week to teach people. I follow a lot of local musicians and I think if they were to come in a teach people how to play certain instruments would be a plus. I’d love to have a few musical instruments on deck for underprivileged kids who can’t afford their own but still want to learn.These lessons would only happen a few days a week and on weekdays seeing as I hope the big events would happen during early evening and weekends. If this were to take off I can imagine it would be pretty crowded, but once everything comes into place it’ll be more settled.
        Now the “create” part is fairly easy. It’ just creating. An artists creates something they want to “share”. I’d love to have a space big enough where a few artists could rent space to call their own for a while as if it’s a mock studio so they can work on projects that they would eventually like displayed in the gallery.
        As far as running this, again, if possible I’d want Janyce to be my partner. We’d start off here in Dayton so that we can make the art community in Dayton bigger and better. For someone like me who is artistic the art community is extremely small here. I want to build something for kids who want to make art and feel like they have to go to a big city. I want to make it so if they aren’t able to go to a big city they still have a community to belong to.
         Living in Chicago also gave me ideas on certain events. I lived for outside concerts, Lollapalooza, and Just For Laughs. I’d love to be able to build this to where we can start to have events like this in Dayton. We could use some big music festival and some of our small venues could host after parties just like music venues do in Chicago during Lollapalooza. I’d also like to have a comedy festival like Just For Laughs. We have decent sized theaters that can house more popular comedians and the smaller clubs can be for up and comers (local and otherwise). I just want to be able to expand the art community and create revenue for my city.
        Hopefully to start off this gallery we could hire two people (manager/ asst. manager) to work under us so that they can handle things when we aren’t there. Since Janyce lives in Philly and I feel like, for me, Chicago is home, I’d love to take on those two first. Both places are rich in art and culture, but even so, I still haven’t seen a gallery that incorporates all what I want to achieve. We’d still be co-owners of all, but the Philly branch would be more her baby and the Chicago mine. If one or both of those do well I’d love to branch out even more, but mainly in smaller cities so that kids who love and create art can have a place where they feel like they belong and won’t feel like they have to escape to a big city right away to get that feeling.
        To go along with all of this there will of course be a website/blog that will promote the gallery, spotlight on certain artists, list events that are happening, intro to some of the artists works, and also an area for people around the country to leave feedback on their own towns so that we can get a feel on where other locations could be opened.
        With everything else who knows what else could come from this. Perhaps this could expand into making a production company, a museum, a concert venue, maybe even an art festival. I’m hoping this could become something massive.

Waiting For My Past

Mourning a door that’s closed.
Saddened by failure.
So consumed by grief the opportunities ahead go ignored.
Focused on what won’t be instead of what could be.
I stand in my own way for fear of more failure.
When one door closes another one opens.
I can’t see the fortunes for my back is turned.
Banging on the doors of misfortune to reopen.
Seemingly rather be swallowed alive that birthed anew.
I keep moving backwards wondering what went wrong.
Flogging myself for my mistakes.
Wanting to be immune to failure.
Wanting what I want instead of what's in the plan.
Aware that the grass may be greener on the other side.
Fearful to leave the lawn I once owned.
I stand waiting for memories to reoccur.
Afraid that my future won’t look how I dreamed.
I stare at that door that slammed in my face.
There may be something there left unfinished.
If I could just turn around.
Let the past be.
Through the door behind me things could be much clearer.
For now I’ll never know that for sure.
I still wait for what could’ve been.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, Waiting For My Past 2015©
Let’s create a masterpiece of what our futures will be.

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©

Fighting To Survive

Surviving is a tricky thing.
The day starts with the decision whether or not to get out of bed.
Some days you can’t move.
You’re paralyzed.
You try to force yourself to live.
You put on your war paint.
It’s a smile on top of a broken spirit.
Surviving just to be alive.
Is it worth it?
Some days the war paint smears from the tears that fall.
There is no surviving to live life.
Just merely existing.
Day after day of just being.
The adventures are nil.
The smiles are forgotten.
You fight to survive, but with no reason.
As the day goes on your mask starts to chip away.
Your hidden frown is unveiled.
Some ask if you’re okay just to be polite.
Most stare as if sadness is contagious.
You slink away to not cause a mass outbreak of your poisonous thoughts.
You survive being alive alone.
You reach out to save yourself.
Do you even want to be saved?
You can see life waiting for you live it.
All you can manage is being barely alive.
You fight for life to no avail.
So you wait it out while only existing.
Surviving is a tricky thing when you just want to live.
One day you wake up and no longer need a mask.
Seeing clearer and wanting more.
That day you can say you survived the storm.
You made it through to see life as it’s supposed to be.
Until that day you keep fighting.
Don’t fight to exist.
Fight to stay alive.

Asia Aneka Anderson, Fighting To Survive 2015©

Lessons In My Life

I learn from myself each and everyday. I’d be a fool to say that I am the person that I’m meant to be. I’d also be a fool to say that I don’t have a long way to go to even be half the person I want to be.
        One lesson that need to learn is to stop punishing myself. I feel like I’ve had many failures in my life and I make myself pay dearly for them. I hold things over my own head and feel like “Why didn’t you do this that way?” or “Why aren’t you at x point in your life yet?” I try to remind myself that failures and setbacks are going to happen and everyone’s life path is different, but that doesn’t keep me from punishing myself. As I’ve posted several times before, I lost my home in Chicago back in December 2012. It is 2015 and I am still making myself feel like shit over it. I literally did all that I feel I could do, but there’s always a part of me that feels that I could’ve done more. There’s a part of me who hates myself for allowing it to happen. Things like this happen in life. Most people fall and get back up, but when I fall I repeatedly kick myself while yelling reasons as to why I deserve said kicking. Now I’m stuck here in Ohio and wondering what in the hell to do with my life and if it’s even worth it to find something worthwhile doing since I’m a huge fuck up. To quote Ringo in Yellow Submarine, “Nothing good every happens to me.” I know that this is not true, but boy does it feel like it.
        I try to remind myself of all the amazing things that have happened to me. My only problems are is it’s been far and few in between, I didn’t realize the magnitude of the event as it was happening, and with some of these events it’s been so long that the glamor of it has washed away and the memories of how I felt have faded. I can say that I’ve seen a Beatle live in my lifetime, but my seats were so far away and Paul is actually my least favorite. I’ve been to Australia which is one of the top five places I’ve ever wanted to visit ever. I’ve seen many of my favorite bands live. Coldplay, made me feel every emotion possible and it bums me out that the experience I had seeing them live is not a feeling I have everyday. I’ve met many celebrities in my life, Josh Duhmel, Demetri Martin, and Joel McHale probably being the best and John Mayer being the definite worst. I’ve made big steps like moving to a big city on my own. The big things in my life (like buying cars, apartment, etc) are things I paid for and got for myself. I had no hand me downs or help. I’ve had a lot of great things happen, but the bad seem to overshadow it.
        I’ve been trying to change my train of thought. All the while I stay bummed about leaving Chicago, but I think things happen for a reason. Maybe my time there was done. I really didn’t make too many friends there, honestly. Once I was out of eyesight of some I was completely forgotten about. The things I really loved about being there was just the music scene, the museums, festivals, movies/shows being filmed there, and I felt an enormous amount of freedom. I wasn’t really attached to a certain place or person there, honestly. I’m trying to look at it this way: Ever since I was a little girl there’s been two places I’ve always wanted to go to. I’ve already done one, Australia, and NYC is the other. What if my next move is NYC? I’m sitting here punishing myself for Chicago and could possibly be standing in the way of something better. I’ve always said my main goal is to be a writer for Rolling Stone. That’s been my dream for many years, among a ton of other dreams, but that one is at the top of the list.. The road ahead could be so much better, but I can’t help but look back at the past and wonder what could have been. I also have dreams of making my hometown more than it could be that Chicago opened my eyes to. I actually sat down and wrote down a business plan for this (which I’ll post later) that gave me the first genuine smile I’ve had in months. It made me so happy to see this plan in front of me. Maybe that’s my next move and being in Chicago was to help me realize that dream. Maybe being there was to give me the idea and tools for this concept.
        I just know that there is more for me and I know that my voice was made to be heard. I know that I have to mind to want to change things and make things everything better for everyone. That could be what’s behind door number 2. All I need is the strength to stop trying to pick the locks on door number 1. Obviously that door is locked shut for good reasons. I don’t know what I keep punishing myself for things that just happen. Perhaps in the future Chicago will be behind another door, but I have to make myself see that this isn’t what’s in my cards right now and that’s okay. Yes, I loved it but I have got to move on. There is nothing there for me right now. Time to move on to better things and to blow minds or even better to have my mind blown.

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©
If I stare into forever will the present be brighter?

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©
I imagine our souls dancing in the moonlight til dawn.

- Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©

I Am In Pieces

My brain, like my heart, is broken.
My body, like my spirit, is broken.
Picking up the pieces that crumble apart.
I try to put them back together.
Parts missing forever.
In a state of disrepair.
Everything starts to collapse.
Broken pieces turning to dust.
My spirit and heart fly away with the wind.
My brain. My body.
My heart. My spirit.
All shattered.
I am not whole.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, I Am In Pieces 2015©
Day 117: I love this band more than anything. #PassionPit #Kindred #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals
Day 116: I'm glad ‪#‎FedUp‬ is finally on ‪#‎Netflix‬. I honestly didn't know the amount of sugars in certain foods, but now I have some knowledge and can make some changes so that I can be better #2015 ‪#‎365DaysOfHappy‬ ‪#‎HappyGoals‬

Day 115: I woke up yesterday with an overwhelming urge to write. I wrote several poems and short stories. You have no idea how good it felt for my brain to wake me up and say "Start writing! Keep going!" now hopefully I'm off to do some more. #InsideMyCreativeMind #amwriting #poem #poetry #shortstory #writing #2015 #365daysofhappy #HappyGoals
Day 114: Eyeliner is everything. SN: not sure if this hair is pissing me off or giving me life. #2015 #HappyGoals #365DaysOfHappy

The Man You Once Were

You make it hard for me to remember the man you were.

The smile you once put on my face is long gone.

All I see is the the destruction you’ve caused.

Little remorse for the hearts you broke.

I notice the pain in your eyes.

Even you wonder where the man you were went.

Shuffling through life as an empty shell.

I watch in confusion.

My guidance ignored.

I know not whether to hate or reason.

I no longer see an ounce of the man you were.

It frightens you he no longer exists.

Leaving a trail of tears from lives you once touched.

All hope diminished.

Beyond help.

Beyond saving.

I mourn the man you once were.
...As do you.

A waste of a fine human being.

I wonder what the old you would say.

Would he shake his head in disappointment?

Plead for you to think of brighter days?

He’d probably urge you to notice you shattering her heart.

The one who stood by you now stands so far away.

Her heart aches for the man you were.

She wonders if you notice.

She wonders if you care.

Her heart will always be empty.

She only had love for the man you once were.

The person you’ve become broke her.

Hope of the old you has faded from her eyes.

I hope you come back to the man you were.

Then perhaps she can become the woman she’s meant to be.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, The Man You Once Were 2015©

“I wish I could put your love in a bottle and open it on days that I feel blue.”

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©

“Everyone’s forgotten about me including myself.”

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©

“The cold bite of an angry heart damaged through time.”

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©

Day 113: Eh, I always liked Ronald Miller better than #McDreamy. He was my first love. #VictimOfShondaRhimes #CryingForever #DamnYouShonda! #GreysAnatomy #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals

Darkness In Me

There’s a darkness in my rear view.
A shadow that follows me everywhere.
From the corner of my eye I see it lurk.
Cursed since birth this demon has become a part of me.
His booming voice rattles the core of my soul.
Holding me back from joy.
He keeps me fixed under his spell.
I struggle to break free.
I yearn to breathe again.
But the darkness seduces me.
He makes me feel at home.
He leads me to believe that no one will love me like the shadows.
Again he lurks behind me.
He shields my view of hope.
I’m left in despair.
This darkness has a hold on me.
He pulls me in deeper.
The more I struggle the darker it gets.
I have become the shadows.
Drowning in pity and hopelessness.
I’ll never break free for I am entwined.
I was chosen at birth to embody the darkness.
The shadows do not have a hold on me.
I am the shadows.
I have become what I fear.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, Darkness In Me 2015©

Road To My Future

The future is a scary place.
Stepping into the unknown.
The fear and anxiousness of what will be.
Will we live up to what the child in us imagined?
Will our path take us places beyond our wildest dreams?
We brace ourselves to be knocked down.
Prepared for life’s unexpected turns.
We find love and sometimes lose it.
We succeed and we fail.
The future is scary because we’re unaware of what it will bring.
We plan our journey only for obstacles to form in our path.
Sometimes they’ll stop us dead in our tracks.
No signs of how to go around.
We wave our white our white flag at change.
We try to force life down that same track only to be detoured further.
Some smile at the roadblocks and push forward.
The future can be downright frightening.
We don’t know what we’ll face.
Whether we’re up for the challenge is the test.
Yes, the future can be scary, but the detours along the way can be worthwhile.
Some good. Some bad.
Only we hold the reigns to our future path.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, Road To My Future 2015©

What's Ahead

Await the next phase.
Happy for the joys to come.
Just dive in head first.

-Asia Aneka Anderson What’s Ahead 2015© 
She smiled remembering the way he’d lovingly brush her cheek.

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©
Peace of mind is all I crave to survive here.

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©
Love can only be what’s real.

- Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©
Goals: To own a brand new Dodge Challenger
Day 112: So happy how tonight's #Catfish went down and Nev & Max's positive message about the #trans community. The LGBTQ+ community will always have a supporter in me. #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals
Day 111: getting my #Tumblr looking all nice and professional... Sorta. #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals #Amwriting
This weekend was definitely a triggerpalooza weekend. Every weekend I feel like shit because of my grandmother. I think that woman is doing more damage to my mental health that anything in my life. I want to be there and supportive of her since my aunt passed but I’m so close to just telling her that she really needs to set up an appointment with a therapist or grief counselor because I can’t be around her anymore for the sake of my own health. We’ve all suffered a loss and we all have other things we’re going through, but we don’t have to be asshole to each other.
        Every weekend I have to hear her body shame other people, say unnecessary homophobic or transphobic things. Hell even this weekend we were watching a “Say Yes to the Dress” episode and there was a lesbian couple. The first words out of her mouth are “So who’s the man?” I told her “Neither. Men have penises and they have vaginas. You’re old enough to know that part of the anatomy.” That was completely unnecessary. Like why do you have to bring it up all the time? There was no need for it at all. And why say something like that if you know that I’m pro anybody being happy? Why insist on saying things that you know will upset me? Because fuck my feelings, that’s why. If there’s anything I’ve learned from the women in my family is that my feelings are invalid and my thoughts are even more invalid. I mean nothing to these people. Yet, I try to be supportive solely because they’re family. If this was anyone else I would’ve told them to kick rocks ages ago. I try to educate this woman nonstop. We’ll be out in public and she’ll make some negative comment on a persons weight or appearance. I have to keep reminding her that you don’t know what hell someone may be going through and the last thing they need is to hear someone like you, who happens to be no fucking prize herself, talking negatively about them. Haven’t you caused too many people to feel bad about themselves in your own family? Stop spreading your hate into the world. How can you call yourself a Christian and be so judgmental of others? It’s like it must take a piece of her soul to say something nice about someone or to not saying anything at all.
        What triggered me this weekend is my mother, my grandmother, and I were out running errands and my mom’s phone went off while she was driving. I answered the phone for her and it was my father. If you’ve been following me for a while you know he’s a drug addict and I’ve pretty much lost more than all respect for him. Anyways, he called her to tell her he was at a friends (drug buddy’s) house, which was weird that he felt like he had to call and tell her that. Usually when he tries to cover his tracks before they need covering it’s because he’s up to no good. I’ve become used to this behavior and it’s all just predictable to me know. Well, when I hung up my mom asked who it was and I said “Who else, but you’re favorite crackhead.” My grandmother, or course, had to put in her two cents. “What did you call him?” she asked me. “Crackhead.” She kept badgering me not to call him that. Technically, she’s right. He’s not a crackhead. He pops pills and does heroin, but heroinhead doesn’t have the same ring to it. She kept saying that was my father and that I have to still respect him, blah blah blah. I’m sorry, but I’ve seen my mother struggle too much because of him. When I was younger I was all set up financially to go to college until he drained my bank account dry when I was a kid. I cried myself to sleep for years because of him. As I got older, and before I knew for sure that he was doing drugs, I would lend him money because he would somehow always be broke and I had the thought always hanging over me that what if he were to overdose on the $20 I just gave him and how was I going to live with myself if that ever happened. I’ve watched him be rushed to the hospital tons of times. I was up all night worried from another state when he had a stroke. I was devastated when he almost died. Now that I’m back home I’m pissed that I see him and his friend do drugs in my mother’s house. I’m pissed that I see her struggle to pay 90% of the bills and yet he seems to have trouble paying the only TWO he has. I’m pissed that he does drug deals in front of our home. I’m even more pissed that I wasn’t pissed long ago and chose to be an enabler for years. So it triggered me to hear this woman tell me how I should feel. You don’t know the fucking hell I’ve been through and you don’t know what the fuck is going through my mind. It took a lot for me to get to that point. When I asked him to get help he chose to insult me while I was begging and pleading with him. So if he doesn’t give a flying fuck about me and my mother then I don’t have to give a fuck about him. Period. The first time he ever went to the hospital (not for an overdose, but because his drug use and smoking has damaged his heart) was back in 2007 and that was the time he almost died. Several times a week since then I would have nightmares of seeing him in a casket. A year ago, when I finally saw him for what he really was and that he was no longer my father, those nightmares stopped. I haven’t had one since. Don’t get me wrong, my dad was a great person, but the person that was my dad no longer exists. He died years ago and it took me a long time to see that.
          As my blood my grandmother should have been willing to listen to and understand that instead of trying to guilt me into feeling bad about that. Caring for someone who refuses to get help is a lost cause and, again, for my mental health, I can’t entertain that and his lifestyle. It’s already caused me too much hurt and I refuse to keep being hurt and disappointed by him. Just because she stood by my grandfather, who was a violent alcoholic who would beat on her and the kids, doesn’t make you someone who respected a man because he was the father of your kids and husband. It makes you an enabler. I’m not going to go as far as saying that makes her an idiot, because that was a different time, but in all honesty, it does make you an idiot in my opinion because, I don’t have them now, but I wish somebody would put their hands on my kids. So all I’m saying is just because she stood up for someone who was an addict doesn’t mean my mindset is the same. Family and friends of an addict are victims too and you will not make me feel guilty when I’m the one being hurt in the process. A grandmother should be the person that you should be able to talk to about those things and get advice from. Not mine. I have to teach her on how to be a decent human being so how in the hell is she going to be someone that I talk to about this?
        I just cannot tell you how upset this made me and why she kept fussing back and forth with me on something I live through. Every weekend I say that it’s my last weekend going over there, but for some reason I feel guilty that I even entertain that idea. She wants me to go to church with her soon and I know 100% I’m putting my foot down on that. I refuse to go to church with someone that does the least Christian things ever. I know and am prepared for the guilt trip attached to me saying ‘no’ and I know I’ll be fussing back and forth on that one alone since my mother never has my back when other people are involved, even if she agrees with me. I have to do something and I have to do it in a way where I’m not triggered because I kept thinking of ways to kill myself on Saturday and I can’t have that keep happening every weekend. She’s my grandmother and I love her but I can do without seeing her for a very long time.

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©

Tragic Boyfriend Tales #6

Boyfriend R was a weird one. It was one of those things where I noticed at the time, but would overlook a lot of things because I loved him. Once it was over I had to wonder how we didn’t crash and burn in one weeks time.
        Since we were in a long distance relationship whenever I would come home from school breaks I’d drive to his school (since it was on the way to our hometown) and I’d either stay there or we would drive home together. On one of my many trips I was only there to see him and not passing through for a family holiday.
        One afternoon during this trip I needed to use his laptop. I can’t remember if it was to do a school assignment for myself or to help him (I used to help him a lot with his essays) or if it was just to mess around on the internet. He was in the front room of his dorm playing video games, while I was in his bedroom. I don’t remember what site I was trying to visit, but I remember typing in the letter ‘C’ and a link auto-populated that was something like “”. I’m used to always being on my computer and just hitting the first few letters of whatever I’m looking for and then pressing enter. Out of habit I hit the enter button and was surprised by porn. Now I’m not the type of girl who will freak out if her boyfriend watches porn. I probably watch it more than most guys, to be honest. I was freaked out by the type that it was and how they got away with using Cocoa Cola in their web address. It was one of those “Barely legal” type of sites. I’ve been on those before where the site will advertise that the girls are barely legal, but at least they look around the age of 20 and not a minor. The girls on this site…. not so much. They all looked about 16 or so with the body of a 13 or 14 year old. I called him into the room and asked him what it was. He just told me that it was a site he looked at sometimes. I asked him “You know why sites like this exist, right?” He looked confused and said, “For people to get off.” I replied, “No. Sites like this are for men who want to stare at naked young girls without feeling guilty because it says “barely legal”, which by the look of all of these girls, I highly doubt they are.” He said he didn’t understand what I meant so I tried to break it down for him. “R, there are tons of barely legal sites where the women look to be between the ages of 18-25, these look like kids. This site is designed for men to get off to kids/teenagers, but are told that these girls are actually 18.” He still gave me this confused look as if he didn’t even understand what kids were. I gave up, but I tried to tell him again that if anyone else comes across this on his computer they’re going to look at him sideways because these chicks really did look like they were 14 or 15 years old.
        Looking back on this I do remember months before this happened I was telling him of a lecture my professor gave in a sex course I was taking (I don’t remember the exact name of the course). This professor had seen it all and not only was he a very elderly man that taught a class on this subject but he was also a priest, which I thought was pretty cool. One day he did touch on the topic of kiddie porn and he, as well as us students, were disgusted that people would take pics of kids or find any way to get their hands on such things. When I told R this story he told me that he didn’t know what I was talking about and didn’t know what kiddie porn was. I have no idea how a person in their mid 20s in this day in age had never heard about it. Even after I explained what it was he still claimed that he had never heard of it and again it was almost like he didn’t even know what a kid was. He was a really smart guy so I don’t know why he claimed he didn’t know what all this was. It was really weird.
        I had never seen R interact with any kids so I can’t say there were any red flags other than these two instances. I still felt a little weird about it. I don’t know. A year or so ago he contacted me through social media to talk. I really didn’t have anything to say to him. For the most part when I break up with someone I’m done. I ended up blocking him. Naturally, before I did, I looked at his profile and his marital status was ‘engaged’. Of course I went to check out his fiance’s page, who strangely had left no comments on his profile at all and no pictures of them at all on hers (to be fair he had no pics of her either) and she doesn’t mention him at all on her profile either. That’s not to say she couldn’t have it private, but most of her page seemed to be public. A little chill did go down my spine when I noticed that she had two little girls. They both looked to be under the age of 6. I also noticed that on her profile most of her status updates were pretty depressing in nature which made me even more uneasy. Isn’t that what predators do? Seek out a person who isn’t stable and prey on them or their children? Perhaps I watch too many Lifetime movies, but I did feel a little worried for her for a minute. I really wanted to message her and tell her that I had a few concerns about her fiance since she did have two little girls, but I refrained for many reasons. If I were to message her there’s a good chance he could just say to her that I’m a jealous ex or something to make me look crazy, she’d probably ignore the message altogether seeing as she doesn’t know me, they may only be FB engaged and are actually just friends, and I didn’t want to message her because I didn’t want to say something that horrible about a person with only suspicions to back it up and possibly end up ruining their relationship and his image. I still have my suspicions about him on that issue. I don’t like to accuse anyone of something that’s so damaging if I don’t 100% know for sure. Usually my intuition is hardly ever wrong, but I hope it is on this because I don’t know if my conscience could handle finding out that I was right and someone gets hurt.

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©

People can see the sadness on my face and never ask if I’m okay. Even if they did the answer would always be the same. “I feel like I’m dying but God won’t let me sleep.”

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©
Goals: To end up with a man that is nothing like my father.
Day 109: Better late than never. I love this show. #MadMen #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals #AMC
Day 108: trying on cute clothes #2015 #365daysofhappy #happygoals #selfie #naturalista #teamnatural #naturalhair #Spring
Day 107: This dude always makes me laugh cause he's funny as fuck. #ChrisDelia #Incorrigible #Netflix #2015 #365daysofhappy #happygoals
Day 106: it's a #RHCP kind of day. #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals #Spotify #RedHotChiliPeppers
I’ve failed so much that success seems like a myth.

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©
My mind is so exhausted, but I can never sleep.

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©
Goals: To have a son that I’ll name Jude Maxwell Harrison
Goals: To have a daughter that I’ll name Lennon Mccartney
Goals: To lose 40 more pounds.
Goals: To own a piglet that I’ll name Violet.
Day 105: It's a work in progress #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals
I’ll live on forever for my dreams will never die.

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©
I’m frozen in time with you.

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015 ©
Goals: To be happy
Goals: To move back to Chicago or go to NYC.
Goals: To send more kind anon messages to my followers so that they know they’re appreciated and amazing.
Just outside enjoying the rain #Dayton #Ohio
Day 104: "Time to put on my flats" type of weather #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals
Day 103: The sky before it rains. #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals #Dayton #Ohio

The Reason Why I Write

  I recently entered a writing contest that only required me to answer one question: “Why did you start a blog?” At first I thought “Too easy.” but as I started typing I realized how much of an effect something like starting a blog has had on me. Since this essay had to be under 700 words I narrowed it down and made some cuts, but my whole process to starting a blog is too complex for 700 words.
        My very first blog, LovelyAsia, was strictly for me to write movie and music reviews. I was stuck in a shitty job in Chicago at the time, but my whole reason for moving to Chicago in the first place was to go to school and earn my degree in journalism. By this time I had dropped out of school because I could no longer afford it which led me to take that shitty job in the first place. When I started that blog it was my way of trying to start something that had once made me happy and to get some practice as I sent my resume to local papers and magazines in hopes that I would finally get the career I really wanted.
        When the Avengers happened I threw professionalism to the wind and reblogged any and everything that had to do with Tom Hiddleston. At that point in time Tumblr became a place for me to find friendships in people who obsessed over the same things I did. It was good and bad. It was good because I was finding people who were just like me, but bad because I would just kind of zone out and continually hit the reblog button and no actual writing was being done.
         In an attempt to get back to writing I started another blog, SparklingGlove, that was dedicated to a small fanfic I wrote after Michael Jackson died. I tried to keep up with it, but by then I was starting to become unhappy with my writing. I wanted to write a new chapter each week, then a week became a month, then a month became whenever I had an idea, then that became never. It’s still an active blog and perhaps one day I’ll get back to it and add more because I feel like there’s always something I could say in that fanfic, but as for now I kind of feel like most chapters are repeating themselves so I’ll get back to it when I feel confident enough in my writing to know that I’m saying something original.
        My second blog was going dry and even still it was a blog for a fanfic. I wanted to be a novelist, travel writer, poet, and entertainment journalist. I couldn’t grasp a career in those fields if I was putting that type of work to the side and focusing on a fanfic. Then comes my blog, AsiaWrites. I’ve dabbled in my poetry, stories, and essays on this blog. It started out rough. I’m very much the perfectionist and I have a strict way of doing things. When my brain betrays me and goes off course it causes me to shut down. See, I started this blog in hopes to get me motivated on the books I have in mind. I got overwhelmed and just kind of gave up when I should’ve started out with the posts you see on my blog today. Everything moved kind of slow, but I’m becoming more confident in my writing like how I was before I hit a major snag in my life. Being able to share my work and my thoughts were sort of therapeutic while also leaving me feeling a bit empty at the same time. Now, I am a writer. I’m not really good at drawing and anytime I do sit down to draw my style is very abstract (same as my writing style). Posting my work on Tumblr left me a bit empty because it seems as though all other art forms are celebrated. Poetry is not shared or acknowledged the way fanfics and fan art are. Whenever I see someone post something they worked really hard on I try to reblog or at least like to let that person know that I see their passion. As for me and other writer’s no one seems to do the same. It’s a little daunting. That leads me to my latest blog.
        A little hurt that my work wasn’t being appreciated on Tumblr I sought out other blogging sites to set up shop for my work and my work only. That’s where Inside My Creative Mind comes in. AsiaWrites is where I test my work and the finished product ends up on here. I also share more of myself here. I go into my journey about transitioning to natural hair and I’ve touched a little on my journey with weight loss. In recent months I’ve gotten a little more acknowledgement and my work has been seen by more people than Tumblr has yet to do even after several years. Blogger has given me a platform to share my inner thoughts and hopefully, in the future, I can look back on my thoughts and use it to develop my characters for my books, since at least one character in each book is loosely based on myself. I have hopes that this is going to help me get back on track with my writing so that I can be where I want to be in life. So four blogs later I feel like I’m starting to find my niche. I won’t stop until I become a writer and not just any writer. I feel like I have a lot to say that hasn’t been told from a certain perspective. I have a voice that I think people can relate to. I can only hope that through my words and my experiences that I offer some guidance to people. All I ever want is to help people and make them not feel alone like I do. The only way I’m able to do that is with my words. That’s my biggest contribution to this world. THIS is why I started my blog. I started it to find a passion I’d lost and now I’m using it to find my voice and to hopefully help others find theirs as well.

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©
Goals: I want to write, direct, and star in a movie.
Goals: I want my stories to resonate with the world.
Goals: To help as many people as possible in my lifetime.
Day 102: My hair just keeps getting bigger and it's glorious. #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals #naturalista #teamnatural #naturalhair #FroLove #BigHair #selfie
Day 101: Just inject it into my veins! #teajunkie #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals
I’ll go to sleep to the sounds of birds chirping.

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©
Goals: I am going to finish at least one of my books this year. No if, ands, or buts about it.
Goals: watch everything on Netflix.
Goals: Learn how to play the violin.
"Everyday the sun shines much brighter."

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©
"I fought to become a warrior."

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©
"Forget being perfect. Just be free."

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015 ©
Day 98: I didn't realize that today was 4/8/15 (16,23,42). I miss #Lost. #BestShowEver #2015 #365daysofhappy #happygoals #WeHaveToGoBack
Day 97: #TheBeatles are everything to me and if you insult them it just makes me want to punch you in the dick. #AllINeedIsBeatles #TheyreBiggerThanJesusTho #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals #Tumblr #LovelyAsia #DontBeACunt 
Day 96: The only #mcm I'll ever need. #AintHePretty #INeedIt #HeWillBeMine #BMW #2015 #365daysofhappy #happygoals
Day 95: I miss Kurt. His music still never hesitates to take me to a different world. #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals #RIPKurt #KurtCobain #myedit