The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: Love Don’t Live Here

         I give up on the prospect of ever finding love.The likelihood of it ever happening the way I imagine it seems slim to none. Perhaps it’s all my fault. I am picky. I am anti social. I do have this 80s style rom com view on romance. It’s as if I’m waiting for John Cusack to play Peter Gabriel outside of my bedroom window. Things like that don’t happen. There’s no “Your hand fits perfectly in mine” or “You complete me” or “You had me at hello”. That type of romance doesn’t exist. The feeling of being swept off of my feet by a soul mate won’t happen. Maybe a such thing as a soul mate doesn’t exist. Maybe we just run into people in life that we like enough to want to be around forever and either love or habit occurs. Twice in my life have I ran into men that I thought were my soul mates. The first one popped in and out of my life for over 14 years and cheated on me every time we decided to get serious, but because we got together so well as friends I convinced myself that maybe he would get his life in order and realize that we were perfect together. I finally got the courage two years ago to completely cut him out of my life. The second I didn’t realize I felt strongly about until he was out of my life. We never even dated, but he had every single quality and more that I wanted in a man, I just didn’t feel like I was good enough for him. I hadn’t grown up enough and still had so much to figure out about myself and didn’t want to waste his time in the process. I don’t know if these are feelings I could ever recreate. I don’t trust myself let alone others. It’s a hard habit to break. I either push people away or somehow get to clingy and run them away. The only other option is for me to be alone. That’s probably what I will be as long as I have this unrealistic view or what love and passion should be. I’d love for it to exist and I’d love to capture it and completely immerse myself in that kind of love, but I’m no Meg Ryan. This ain’t a love story.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2016©
It’s come to my realization that maybe I should just blog some random thoughts here. My motivation is blah. No story ideas. My poems are all starting to sound the same. I just don’t really care about it anymore. Well I do, I just don’t know what to say anymore without it sounding stale and exaggerated. I’m still going through every emotion possible while also feeling nothing at the same time. An aunt told my mom recently about a medium she went to and my mom and I are hoping to go next weekend when I’m off of work. I’m not sure if I’m hoping it will give me some closure, but perhaps it will. I think I’m just looking for something to put my mind at ease. I want something to help me move along in this grieving process and also something to put my mind at ease about my past and future. I just want to feel like my life until this point isn’t for nothing because it damn sure feels like it. I have a hard time seeing what this life thing is all about, but I’m always hoping that there is something bigger and greater up ahead. I really think that there is, but I’m getting rather restless. I’m restless about being stuck, being alone, being broke, not being as carefree as I know my spirit wants to be. Oh well. That’s life. It has it’s moments, and most times those moments are grand but overall it’s kind of a drag. Here’s to hoping it won’t be a drag for long. My birthday is next month and that’s always something to look forward too, although I think I want to keep it pretty low key this year and only be around folks that can give me good vibes. Good vibes are all I need in my life right now and for always.

My Words Are Me

I am my words.
My words are me.
Giving you my all with the tap of a keyboard.
This is me.
In my true form.
My words are everything I am.
There is nothing else but these words.
I write from the deepest part of my soul.
These words escape to the surface of my being.
These words are everything.
These words are my truth.
I am truth.
I am my words.
My words.
My truth.
This is all I’ll ever have.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, My Words Are Me 2016©

Tragic Crush Tales #10

        Crush E is my latest in a series of men that have completely wasted my time of the past few years. I seem to be attracting a lot of that lately. Every time I find it surprising that men over the age of 23 still play games and then play victim when you call them on it.
        I first met this guy through Instagram. That was my first mistake. How on Earth did I think I could possibly take anyone serious on Instagram of all places. I don’t even remember how or why we started talking, but we hit it off really well. I got along with him, thought he was funny, handsome, and that we had a lot in common. Unfortunately he lived in Chicago and I’m not in a place financially to be able to move back just yet.
        We started talking around Halloween of 2015 and quickly exchanged numbers. We texted a lot, but for some reason he sort of vanished around Thanksgiving. I’ve said it before, but I’m not the kind of girl who likes to pester someone. We all have lives, families, work, etc. If I message you a few times and don’t get a reply I’ll assume you don’t want to talk to me anymore or you have shit going on and will get back to me when you can give me your undivided attention. Well we started to get into the first few weeks of December and I still hadn’t heard from him. I shrugged it off since we had only talked for a few weeks. We didn’t have anything serious going on. There was a guy who would come into my job all of the time and I could tell there was an attraction so I gave him my number and we went out. The date was absolutely terrible. I didn’t have to dwell on it too long because days later E popped back up and it was as if nothing had changed. We made jokes of my bad date and our closeness grew stronger as the days and weeks went on.
        I say days and weeks because as we were ringing in 2016 E went off on his merry way again. No response to messages until he gives me this long tirade, a week into the new year, about how he needs his space and that I’m forcing a relationship on him and that he only wanted to be friends. Blah, blah, fuckin’ blah. From the moment we first started talking the flirting was on both ends, but all of a sudden I was forcing my flirtatious behavior on him and making him soooo uncomfortable *sarcasm*. I found it strange and also upsetting because a week prior we were telling each other how we were hoping this was meant to be and couldn’t wait to meet each other one day. It wasn’t a one sided conversation. I wasn’t talking to myself. Without going through every incident with this dude let me just say he disappeared often only to return with his victim speech about how I was forcing my affection on him knowing that he didn’t want a relationship. He’s the most confusing man I’ve ever dealt with because I couldn’t understand how we’d both be flirting then all of a sudden it was only me that was the aggressor.
          That brings us to a few weeks ago when I discovered why he always wanted to shame me as the bad guy. There was someone else. Instead of being an adult and telling me that he wanted to proceed with this other woman I had to find out via Instagram. Many times I asked him if there was someone else and he’d always say there wasn’t. When I confronted him this last time his excuse was that they were only talking and not officially dating until very recently. So because they didn’t have the “Will you be my girlfriend? Circle ‘yes’ or ‘no’“ talk that means that it’s okay to still talk to me on the side and not be upfront and let me know that you’re starting to have feelings for someone else? You can’t have your cake and eat it too. I’m not someone’s back up plan. I’m an actual person with feelings. You think that crossed his mind? No. When he discovered that I wasn’t going to fall for the “we weren’t officially dating when you first asked me” excuse he had to pull another one out of his ass. He decided to go with the old high school excuse of “I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to break you heart.” Because lying to me or not telling me will make me feel so much better. Thank you, E. Thank you so much. Lying only exists to make the liar feel better about themselves. Never has it ever made the person being lied to at ease. Now, let me say this. As I’ve gotten older and have had my heart broken a few times it gets easier and I mean way easier for me to move on. I’m too old to be crying over some dude and especially one who feels it’s okay to disrespect me. That being said, when he told me that he felt telling me would break my heart, I laughed. It was so arrogant to me. We’ve never met. You’ve played with my emotions like a yo-yo for about seven months and you’re wondering if your fickle feelings broke my heart. Not to mention my father passed not even a month before this (another reason I feel a decent human being would’ve been up front about his actions) and you think your bullshit lies even rank on my list of fucked up things to happen to me this year? Honey, please. I just experienced a heartache like none other and it’s not over Mr. “I don’t know what I want in life so I’m gonna sit here and waste your fucking time and then make it all be your fault. You made me flirt with you. I’m the victim here.” He still tried to find excuses. He brought up three dates I went on during a few of his many absences. Although all three dates turned up bad and he knew about every last one he still wanted to run with that excuse. To me it would’ve been much easier to just say “I wasn’t really feeling you anymore. Sorry I didn’t tell you in APRIL when I first started talking to this other girl (yes, he had been talking to her for three months while we were also talking), but it is what it is.” That would’ve been a more adult response instead of looking for any and every way to make me look like the bad guy and refusing to own up to his bullshit.
        This all sucks because a week after I found all of this out I was in Chicago for an event. While planning this event I was really looking forward to meeting him and getting to be with him. That’s why being up front with me would’ve been a great idea. That way I wouldn’t have been planning a trip with my heart set on that. It could’ve been just about my event, getting together with old friends, and making new ones. Trust me that I still did all of that and had the most amazing time, but that’s not how it all started when I had my heart set out on this. At first when I said my peace and everything was said and done I said to myself that I hoped this woman would do him like he did me (and some girls before me, apparently, but I really don’t want to get into that because I honestly don’t give a fuck). I hoped that she’d stop responding to messages, give him the cold shoulder every three weeks, talk to a few other dudes, make him feel like he’s some thirsty dude that’s just fawning over her, tell him that he’s moving too fast while at the same time egging him on. Then I thought about it. No. Nobody, not even him, deserves to have their feelings played with like that when we’re all out here just trying to find companionship and a soulmate. Instead I want her to show him compassion, communication (which he lacked SEVERELY), loyalty, partnership, and warmth so that he knows what it feels like and in turn can learn from her and know how to give it back. He wasn’t for me and that’s fine. All I wanted was a little honesty and didn’t get it. I’m not missing anything.

- Asia Aneka Anderson, 2016©