What If I Don't Exist?

Have you ever sat back and thought about what if you’re actually dead and your spirit is stuck in this hellish pseudo reality? Hear me out. I sometimes think about this because as crazy as it sounds it makes hella sense. For instance I have a younger cousin who, from the time of her birth until she was about 15, we were extremely close. What if I was sort of an imaginary friend to her and when she was 15 and we had a “falling out” it was her really outgrowing me? I’ve talked tons about how my close friends bailed on me. What if the times we hung out was them remembering me and when they “bailed” it was just them moving on from mourning and when I hear from them every blue moon it’s because they said or saw something that reminded them of me? What if when I talk to family it’s just because they’re still mourning and can still feel me around. I’ve talked a lot about my dads drug addiction. What if the reason he started is because he couldn’t handle my passing? And what if the reason my mom won’t leave him is because the pain of dealing with her only child dying is too much to take on her own? What about if when I moved to Chicago that was something made up, almost like a vacation for my spirit? I mean I had never even been to Chicago before I moved there and most of the places I hung out at are well known tourists spots. And possibly that’s why I barely heard from my family the 5 years I lived there. Am I the only one who thinks of this shit? My brain exploded. Like am I really dead or just that ignored?
-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Not Tomorrow But Today

People count on there always being a tomorrow.
We put life on hold hoping to have tomorrow.
We ignore loving someone until tomorrow.
Sometimes life is hard and we believe it will be easy tomorrow.
The only regrets we should claim is thinking tomorrow is a promise.
In a matter of seconds a life is lost.
There is no tomorrow.
Tomorrow doesn’t exist.
Life knows nothing of tomorrow.
The only thing for certain is today.
Make your mark on this world today.
Hug her and make her feel loved today.
Change someones life today.
Change YOUR life today.

-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Be My Future

I’ll wait for you.
I toss away all momentary happiness for a lifetime with you.
Just the sight of you plants a smile on my face.
I never knew I could miss something so much that I never had.
I lost you in my own fear of rejection.
Replaying in my head what could have been.
Waiting for circumstances to join us together again.
Practicing all the things I’ll say to you.
Dreaming of the love you’ll say you have for me.
The happiness I’ll get from calling you mine.
Roaming this Earth with my tiny hand in yours.
Fearing to let go and be reminded of a time where “we” didn’t exist.
I see you and only you.
I won’t be satisfied with anyone else.
The day will come when I won’t have to dream of our future.
On that day I’ll be happy that I can keep you.

-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Birthday Woes

         My birthday is less than three weeks away and I’m pretty excited. With that excitement I’m reminded that almost every birthday in my adult life has been horrible. The last birthday I can genuinely say that I had a good time was when I was 11. That was almost 21 years ago.
         Most of my birthdays are full of me hoping for something big only to have only one or two people show their faces. For my 21st birthday I was very excited. Who isn’t for their 21st? Well I ended up getting sick a few days before. On top of that my friends at the time were either under 21 or bailed on me. I ended up going out with a coworker to a gay club. She was nice, but it’s not what I had pictured my 21st would be like. My first birthday when I lived in Chicago was my 27th. It was another where few people (coworkers) showed up, but I’ll admit that at least the people that matter showed up and it was great. Well it was great until a girl I considered a good friend decided to make out with a guy I liked right in front of me. I got to relive that experience for days since it spread around where we worked.. and yet somehow I ended up the bad guy in that story because I was upset. Oh well. I think they’re still together. They get to use my birthday as an anniversary date. Good for them. On my 28th my best friend drove up from Ohio to Chicago to spend my day with me. That weekend was chaos. My power had been shut off so my mind was all over the place and the people I invited to celebrate with me and meet my new friend never showed up. I felt bad because I felt like I didn’t get a chance to show her the city and make it fun. I don’t talk to her anymore so part of me is okay that the weekend didn’t turn out flawless. A few months before my 29th I reconnected with an old crush/best friend. I decided instead of spending my birthday, most likely alone, in Chicago I’d go home to Ohio. I got to see him and the sparks flew all over again like they had years before. Long story short, we started dating and not long after I found out through FB that he was with someone else. Last year was my first birthday back home in Ohio. I was already depressed that I had to come back to this hell hole, but I was really hoping the friends that I hadn’t seen for years would pull me out of that slump. One best friend I didn’t even hear from and the other one bailed. I spent that birthday alone in my bedroom. Here it is almost a year later and I have still yet to see either of them.
          Even though my birthday usually ends with me frowning somehow I end up feeling like my birthday is the best day of the year. I’m not sure if it has to do with that I take pride in being a Libra or maybe the fact that John Lennon and I share the same birthday (even down to the hour). There’s something about sharing a birthday with your idol. Knowing that keeps a smile on my face even through all the bullshit I deal with and put up with. This year I’m hoping things will be a lot different. Something amazing is supposedly happening on my actual birthday. If it does (and it will because I believe in it) it will change my life forever. I don’t want to say what it is because I don’t want to jinx it, but when it happens I know I am the type of person who will share and will be more than ready to change someone else’s life as well, especially some of you guys on here. You’ve changed me more than some of you will ever know. A part of me will always want to share it with “friends” and have a good time, but this change will be bigger than that and I want to take this change head on and not hold onto people from the past that I’m always hoping will care. 32 will be the year that I grow more than I did the year before. I’m still learning about life, love, and relationships. It’s hard to try and learn this lesson on your own, but I can and will manage. It makes me stronger. Even though this great thing will most likely happen this year I’ll probably still be spending this one alone with cake, Netflix and The Beatles. But that’s okay cause the rest of my life will be an adventure to end all adventures.
The most beautiful yet frustrating thing about my writing process is that the idea comes to me in the form of a movie trailer. Flashes of scenes that tie together the plot. You see the laughter, the tears, loss, and love. The characters become so real and this imaginary trailer draws you in. This clip plays over and over in my head and it even feels as though you can hear an obscure indie band playing in the background just like any independent movie trailer. The only problem is that you can’t see the whole story. All you see is the highlights and of course it’s only the good parts. I try to write around these good parts and nothing seems to fit. Sometimes you’ll see the teaser trailer that will give you more insight into the lives of these characters, but still not enough to give a story life. I’m constantly trying to bring life to something that comes in 2 minute clips and it never plays out as planned. I wish my mind would illegally download the rest so that I can show the world what I can do,

My New Weekly Regimen

I just wanted to share with you guys my new weekly regimen for my hair. Since I've been natural I'll admit I haven't had any type of consistent regimen. I'm guilty of trying a ton of products and not giving them enough time to see if they benefit my hair or not. I'm going to stick with this regimen for a least 2 months to see how this does before I move onto the next.
I wash or cleanse my hair every 7 days. I only shampoo twice a month and co-wash twice a month. After whichever I do I part my hair on whichever side I desire (usually the right) so that I can flat twist my hair... or at least my version of flat twists that works for me. I'll take the right section o my hair and use a spray bottle full of water and just spray a little on the section then I use my olive oil.
Now I know a lot of people use extra virgin olive oil and once this runs out that's what I'll buy, but hey this was cheap and it gets the job done. It gives my hair a shine and locks in the moisture of the water. The only thing I do not like so much about this olive oil is the smell. The best I can describe it is that is smells like my grandma. I know that's weird, but if you've had that grandma that had the plastic on her furniture, knick-knack figurines, and fake plants all over the place then you know the smell I'm talking about lol.
Well I do all this by sections. I'll wet and oil the right side then twist, then I'll move to the left side and do the same. Since I'm doing the castor oil challenge right after I do the front I put the castor oil on my edges. Now when I do the back of my hair I'll split it into two sections, a top half and a bottom half. I'll pin up the top half then I'll do as the front and wet, oil, then twist and do the same for the top half. When I'm done it comes out like this.

Most of the times I'll keep my twists in until the day before my next wash and wear a wig or scarf if I'm going out. If I do that once a day I'll spray a little water on my head and then use a small amount of olive oil and lightly pat that on. I only use the castor oil every other day and I only place that on my edges and crown. On the rare occasions where I want to take my twists down I at least make sure they've been in for about two days beforehand. For some reason, even though my hair is 4c, it doesn't seem to hold the curl pattern I want if I take the twists out the very next day. 
Well, that is my weekly regimen that I'm holding on to for the next few months. So far so good. My hair has never felt this soft so this may be a regimen I'll hold onto for good and just sneak in a few products here and there or possibly switch out the olive oil for coconut oil. If anyone has any suggestions feel free to send them my way. 

Review: Pantene Clarifying Shampoo and Deep Conditioner for Natural Hair

Hi everyone. This week I wanted to give my review for the Pantene Clarifying Shampoo and Deep Conditioner for natural hair. Both of these products I've used many times since going natural a year ago.
Now I will admit when it came to the shampoo I wasn't amazed the first few times I used it. It felt like it stripped my hair of all natural oils and caused it to feel brittle when it dried. This time I did things just a tiny bit different. Instead of combing it through with my fingers I let it sit for a few seconds and then massaged my scalp for a few minutes. While I was doing it my scalp felt loads better and I my hair felt cleansed. Once I rinsed it out my hair felt light and soft. So now I am amazed by it and I will continue buying it.You can find this everywhere from Target to CVS and I believe I've even seen it in Dollar General. I never pay more than about $4-$5 for it, if that.

The deep conditioner I've always loved. I put it in after I've made sure I've rinsed out the shampoo completely. I usually just put on a shower cap and then wrap a towel around and let it sit for several hours. This time around I let it stay in for about 6 hours or so (I wash my hair in the afternoon and will rinse right before bed).
This deep conditioner always leaves my hair feeling moisturized and soft. Same as the shampoo I massaged my scalp as I put it on and also when I rinsed it out. This method worked a lot better for me. And as in my review for the Pantene co-wash I always dry my hair with a t-shirt and NOT a towel. It's so much better for your hair. And even with the shirt I try not to leave it on for too long.
The whole line of the Pantene products for natural hair are favorites of mine. I will say that the co-wash tops the list though.
As far as the shampoo: B
And the deep conditioner: B+

Times have been so tough lately. I have my good days and I have my very bad days. I've had to train myself into thinking that I'm never given more than I can handle, everything happens for a reason,  and that in the end everything will be okay.
I've been shown this many times throughout my life, but when everything seems to go downhill it's hard to see the big positive that may be right around the corner. For instance years ago I was at a job that barely put food on the table. From the moment I started that job I was immediately looking for a second one, but after tons of applications and many interviews nothing came of it. Months before the news of that job closing it's doors for good I got a better paying, although more stressful, job. But even with that first job I was blessed. Even with the low pay I still consider it the best job I ever had. I worked with a lot of good people, and that job came at a time when I was hanging by a thread financially.
I look back on these past few years and all I can see is failure. I have been in the lowest rut of my life and I didn't think it was possible to be this low. On my good days, and even my bad, I have to look at the possible positive to what seems like a definite negative. Maybe there was a reason I lost my home. Maybe my next big move will be into my dream home. I'll admit I haven't been job hunting they way I should. I only want to apply to places that I know I'll fall in love with. My last job left me so stressed that it actually frightens me to work in a place like that again because it completely killed what little spirit I had left. With the jobs I've applied to recently I have yet to get a call let alone an interview. Maybe it's possible that my next job will be my dream career. I've been bummed because my last relationship ended right before Spring of 2012 and it was with someone who I thought I'd be with forever. Maybe it's possible that I'm alone because the next person to come into my life will be my soulmate. No more kissing frogs, just a direct B-line to my prince charming.
I have to steer my mind towards these positives. It's the only thing that keeps me going.It's the only thing that makes me smile when I'm in my thoughts. I know people that have had through awful things happen to them like losing a child, parent, or any other traumatic experience doesn't want to believe that there's a reason for that. I get it. If I was in their shoes I'd probably feel that way too. People that have dealt with those sort of experiences don't want to believe that the universe is so cruel, but I do truly believe that the universe can be that cruel, and it can also be that beautiful.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
You know what puzzles me? That officer in Ferguson (I refuse to say a killers name) killed an unarmed teen in daylight and GoFundMe has allowed people to raise over $400,000 for him because this poor murderer may not find a job as a police officer again (forgive me if I don’t weep over his misfortune). On the other hand when Jahar supporters wanted to make t-shirts online, seeing as he’s only an alleged criminal, most, if not all, websites shut down all orders of people who wanted to show their support of someone they felt was wrongly accused. Money spent on these shirts were not going to the Tsarnaev family. It was going to the companies who provided the services of making custom shirts, yet that was brought to a halt, but someone who is, without a doubt, known to have killed someone is now rich because of supporters. What kind of sick shit is that?
Over the past several months I have been making changes in my life. I’ve been working on myself psychically as well as seeing what really makes me tick. With both going through my journey of going natural and also being in a state of wanting to be in love I decided to dive into what has attracted me to certain men in the past and what has ran me away from others. I say this because all my adult life my boyfriends have been white. That’s not to say I haven’t been intimate with, or been attracted to men of other races, because I have, but they never resulted into anything meaningful. In recent months my preference has done a complete 180. All I want to do is spend the rest of my life with a black man.
      I bet if my parents heard that they’d probably jump for joy, but I’m not doing it for anyone’s approval. This change all started when I lived in Chicago. Growing up in Dayton, Ohio, for me, always seemed like slim pickens. Dayton isn’t small, but there is a small minded mentality. As a teenager and into my early twenties when it came to black men I only attracted a stereotype. It was always the dudes with the pants under their butt, and giving me the “psssttt…. Hey shorty.” every time I walked by and then yelling “Fuck you then, bitch.” when I didn’t comply. All these things made me cringe. I’m 31 now and started dating at 14. In all of this time, when it came to black men, only twice have I been approached the right way. Unfortunately, they weren’t my type, but I did applaud them on being perfect gentlemen. The other reason no relationships with black men flourished is because I was always seen as a “white girl.” I like rock music, foreign films, museums, etc. All of these things are my life. Whereas black men didn’t get this and didn’t relate but of course white men did. With them I could be myself and like what I liked without feeling embarrassed or looked down upon. Once I moved to Chicago it was a culture shock. I attended Columbia College which is a hipster breeding ground, as far as I’m concerned, and my mind was blown to see so many people of color who were just like me. Finally I wasn’t the only one. Even though I saw all these people like me still they weren’t like me. They all intimidated me. They were already from this city that was drowning in an amazing music scene, art, and this exuberant culture. I had nothing on these kids. It was like I was an imposter pop culture hipster compared to these kids.
       While I tried to adapt to this city lifestyle I did run into a few black men that sparked my interest. One of those I regret not pursing further. Again I felt intimidated. I felt like I would’ve been a disappointment in some way because I’d become used to dating white men. What if I didn’t live up to be what a black woman should be? That thought crossed my mind when it came to these few. I wasn’t going to embarrass myself in this big new place and feel even more like an outcast. I should’ve taken a chance anyways, but I let my fear get in the way of me acting upon it.
Now I’m back in Dayton where the choices are still slim pickens on any man no matter the race, in my opinion, but at least I still have ties in Chicago. I am at a point in my life where I do want to settle down and that’s brought me to many dating sites along with social media. There is one thing that I’ve noticed through this discovery. Most dark skinned men are only interested in light skinned girls and Latinas. That disturbed me a bit, but seeing as what my preference once was, it shouldn’t have. Although in my case my preferences were what they were out of being an outcast to an extent, not because I believe one race or shade is more beautiful than the other. I was speaking with one of the crushes from Chicago recently and he started listing off what attracted him to me and one thing he actually said was because I had light skin. That broke my heart. I don’t see myself as a light skinned girl and I definitely don’t want to been seen as having an advantage over anyone else because of my skin tone. When it comes to other men across the country in smaller cities that I find attractive who have similar personalities I see that their interests lie mainly with white women and that sucks. I have to sit back and realize that this is possibly how men felt about me. It’s a shock to the system that I didn’t have before. I never wanted it to come off that I thought white men were better. I really hope it didn’t come off that way because when I look at these men who prefer lighter skinned, white, or Latina women I can’t help but feel that way.
     I’m not sure what else I’ll discover about myself while I try to make these positive changes. This is definitely a big one for me. Because perhaps when it comes to a soulmate I was looking in the wrong places. It’s a big world out there and I can’t wait to see it again. Hopefully while I’m out in the world I can do it with someone by my side. That’s the dream.

This Skin That I'm In

I’m just starting to feel this skin that I’m in that I’ve spent most of my life ignoring.
This skin has turned into my armor.
Some may see it as my prison.
So much time spent on knowing others inside out.
I realize they only see this brown skin that I’m in.
I put forth a personality that didn’t reflect this brown skin that I’m in.
Confused by people who were confused by me.
"You don’t act black."
I didn’t know what that meant.
This skin that I’m in should tell you what I am.
No person’s skin comes with a manual on how to act.
I can only be me, not a color.
Still I didn’t feel the plight of others that share this skin that I’m in.
I kept my distance because the skin that I’m in didn’t feel like who I am inside.
I was reminded all the time that I wasn’t like all the others that share this skin that I’m in.
Now I see people who share this skin that are now covered in red.
Blood pouring from their brown skin for nothing other than the negativity that some seem to think it represents.
Only now can I see this brown skin that I’m in.
Only now can I feel it.
I am aware that no matter who I am others image of me will not go past this brown skin that I’m in.
For as long as I can remember I was okay with who I was within, but now I can also fully embrace and understand this brown skin that I’m in.
I can no longer ignore the responsibility that comes with being in this skin.
I love this skin that I’m in.
I will forever be proud of this brown skin.

-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

The Castor Oil Challenge Has Started!!

I made a post recently about the castor oil challenge made by Kinky Curly Coily Me. It goes from Sept. 1st- Dec. 1st. This challenge is to promote hair growth over the next three months (and hopefully beyond). I in no way have anything to do with this challenge, but I want to encourage many people to join it. I will be more than excited to update all of you on my continued journey. I do have some before pics that were taken on August 21st. These will be my before pics. You can see that from the sides my hair is a little past my jawline and the back is a little past the base of my neck. The front, not pictured, is to the tip of my nose. I'm hoping to gain 4-5 inches by the end of this challenge, but as long as I see progress I'll be fine.

  What I will be using is the Jamaican Black Lavender Castor Oil. I will be using it mostly around my edges and crown for 4-5 days a week, as well as my eyebrows. I bought a 4oz. bottle off Amazon and since I received it early I started early and I can honestly already see a difference in my eyebrows so far. If you want to join you have until Sept. 7th to register which you can do here. All the instructions are there for you if you have any questions regarding the challenge. I hope some of you join! Good Luck!