Fin.
-Asia Aneka Anderson, The Story Of The Woman And The Fuck Boy: A Twitter Tale 2017©
Showing posts with label writing exercise. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing exercise. Show all posts
The Story Of The Woman And The Fuckboy: A Twitter Tale
Fin.
-Asia Aneka Anderson, The Story Of The Woman And The Fuck Boy: A Twitter Tale 2017©
This New Phase Of My Life
I’m still processing. I’m still dealing. I’m still going through a
day to day routine as if everything is fine. I don a smile, I pop some
happy pills, I make nice, and I carry on. Inside everything is still and
silent. I keep going because when everything stops I’m reminded that he
is no longer here. It’s been over two months and already business as
usual, but how else are things supposed to be? One still has to make a
living, be social, and take on opportunities. I am still here. My heart
still hurts so much.
Recently I attended a comic convention in Chicago. It’s the first vacation I’ve had in ages and was so desperately needed. For that moment in time the sadness had escaped me. I was able to feel joy for the first time in a long time. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, but there was a moment, while looking through my pictures, that I thought to myself “I can hear my dad’s laugh if he saw these.” The fact that I could clearly hear his laugh let me know that he did see them and was there enjoying everything with me. While there I also had a man read my aura. Since my father’s memorial service that was the first time I had broken down in public. This man let me know that something very sad happened recently and that I feel like I’m not a good person, but that I am. That I should stop worrying about it and truly know that I am good. He also noted that there are many spirits around me that are pulling for me. He grabbed my hands because he said they told him I needed it. Again he told me I was good. It reminded me of a time years ago when I had a car wreck and was going through so much crap with lawyers, the insurance company, and everything kept falling through. One day as I was leaving the house my dad said to me “Don’t worry. Everything will be fine. You’re a good person unlike me” and he just walked away. I was so shocked and hurt that he said that he wasn’t a good person. It’s something that always stuck with me. Since my father’s death that is something I’ve struggled with. I don’t feel like I was the greatest person to him in the end. I could’ve been better. I could’ve tried harder. It puts my mind a little at ease that possibly it was my dad coming through to reassure me that I am a good person and did the best that I could considering the circumstances. I still don’t entirely feel like a good person and I don’t know what it will take to make me feel that deep down, but my mind is slightly at ease.
Still I try to process. I’m still trying to grasp the idea of death of someone so important to my life. Last year I entered the hospital room as my aunt took her last breath. I was there when the color left her body in a matter of seconds. Her toes and fingertips turned white almost instantly. Her body turned cold just as fast. Even though I was present for that when it comes to my father I still can’t grasp the idea of telling a person that you’ll see them later and have them be gone hours after you leave the house. It seems so foreign. Him not being here is like someone trying to hold a conversation with me in Korean. I don’t understand it. Death is the most simple yet most complex thing to exist. We all know that we’re born, we live, and eventually we die. You can live for 100 years but once you’re gone all that exists are pictures, tales, videos, and things. How mind boggling is that? You go from being a living breathing person to just a memory. As generations go on you go from being a memory to a story that’s passed down to the next generation.
My dad was only a month and a half shy of his 66th birthday. I see that life is too short. You’re here one day and gone the next. I think about if he got to do all the things he wanted. I’m a true believer that we go when our time is up, but what happens when you don’t accomplish all that YOU wanted, but you accomplished everything that was all apart of the plan? I think about things I’ve tried to accomplish over and over and now wonder if this is even supposed to be apart of my life’s journey. For instance I’ve had to drop out of college more time than I can count for various reasons and what if that’s not what I’m even supposed to do? Perhaps that was years and dollars wasted that’s taken away from what my real goal should be? The question is, what is truly each of our main goals in life if we’re truly not the ones to call the shots on whether we live or die? All of my life I envisioned I’d be a best selling author/screenwriter, all of which has not come to fruition, and it’s all quite possible it may not even be what I should be doing with my life. I look at my father, a true artist in his own right, and nothing ever happened with that. Is there a point where if we deviate from the plan too much this higher being just gives up? I don’t want this sadness to keep me from pursuing all that I want to do, but it happens. I want to do things he never got a chance to so in some way he’s done it, but when life keeps throwing up roadblock after roadblock it hinders you a bit. I don’t want to be 60 and wonder what could have been. At the same time I’m just trying to exist in a world where my father doesn’t and taking baby steps just trying to get my bearing. I can only go through this process, no matter how long it will definitely be, in order to get to the next phase in life where I’m ready to conquer all the things I’ve ever wanted in my name and his. I’m not sure when I’ll get to that phase and that’s what worries me. For now all I can do is continue to try and make sense of how the rest of this new life will go. Phase one: Still loading….
-Asia Aneka Anderson, This New Phase Of My Life 2016©
Recently I attended a comic convention in Chicago. It’s the first vacation I’ve had in ages and was so desperately needed. For that moment in time the sadness had escaped me. I was able to feel joy for the first time in a long time. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, but there was a moment, while looking through my pictures, that I thought to myself “I can hear my dad’s laugh if he saw these.” The fact that I could clearly hear his laugh let me know that he did see them and was there enjoying everything with me. While there I also had a man read my aura. Since my father’s memorial service that was the first time I had broken down in public. This man let me know that something very sad happened recently and that I feel like I’m not a good person, but that I am. That I should stop worrying about it and truly know that I am good. He also noted that there are many spirits around me that are pulling for me. He grabbed my hands because he said they told him I needed it. Again he told me I was good. It reminded me of a time years ago when I had a car wreck and was going through so much crap with lawyers, the insurance company, and everything kept falling through. One day as I was leaving the house my dad said to me “Don’t worry. Everything will be fine. You’re a good person unlike me” and he just walked away. I was so shocked and hurt that he said that he wasn’t a good person. It’s something that always stuck with me. Since my father’s death that is something I’ve struggled with. I don’t feel like I was the greatest person to him in the end. I could’ve been better. I could’ve tried harder. It puts my mind a little at ease that possibly it was my dad coming through to reassure me that I am a good person and did the best that I could considering the circumstances. I still don’t entirely feel like a good person and I don’t know what it will take to make me feel that deep down, but my mind is slightly at ease.
Still I try to process. I’m still trying to grasp the idea of death of someone so important to my life. Last year I entered the hospital room as my aunt took her last breath. I was there when the color left her body in a matter of seconds. Her toes and fingertips turned white almost instantly. Her body turned cold just as fast. Even though I was present for that when it comes to my father I still can’t grasp the idea of telling a person that you’ll see them later and have them be gone hours after you leave the house. It seems so foreign. Him not being here is like someone trying to hold a conversation with me in Korean. I don’t understand it. Death is the most simple yet most complex thing to exist. We all know that we’re born, we live, and eventually we die. You can live for 100 years but once you’re gone all that exists are pictures, tales, videos, and things. How mind boggling is that? You go from being a living breathing person to just a memory. As generations go on you go from being a memory to a story that’s passed down to the next generation.
My dad was only a month and a half shy of his 66th birthday. I see that life is too short. You’re here one day and gone the next. I think about if he got to do all the things he wanted. I’m a true believer that we go when our time is up, but what happens when you don’t accomplish all that YOU wanted, but you accomplished everything that was all apart of the plan? I think about things I’ve tried to accomplish over and over and now wonder if this is even supposed to be apart of my life’s journey. For instance I’ve had to drop out of college more time than I can count for various reasons and what if that’s not what I’m even supposed to do? Perhaps that was years and dollars wasted that’s taken away from what my real goal should be? The question is, what is truly each of our main goals in life if we’re truly not the ones to call the shots on whether we live or die? All of my life I envisioned I’d be a best selling author/screenwriter, all of which has not come to fruition, and it’s all quite possible it may not even be what I should be doing with my life. I look at my father, a true artist in his own right, and nothing ever happened with that. Is there a point where if we deviate from the plan too much this higher being just gives up? I don’t want this sadness to keep me from pursuing all that I want to do, but it happens. I want to do things he never got a chance to so in some way he’s done it, but when life keeps throwing up roadblock after roadblock it hinders you a bit. I don’t want to be 60 and wonder what could have been. At the same time I’m just trying to exist in a world where my father doesn’t and taking baby steps just trying to get my bearing. I can only go through this process, no matter how long it will definitely be, in order to get to the next phase in life where I’m ready to conquer all the things I’ve ever wanted in my name and his. I’m not sure when I’ll get to that phase and that’s what worries me. For now all I can do is continue to try and make sense of how the rest of this new life will go. Phase one: Still loading….
-Asia Aneka Anderson, This New Phase Of My Life 2016©
The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: Cupid or Fairy?
I’ve seen some strange things in my life. It could be things from my
reality or the fact that, ever since I was a child, I’ve had a very
active imagination.
Once, when I was about five years old, I saw what I could only describe as a fairy or maybe cupid. I was riding in the car with my parents. We were on our way to the drive in to see “Coming to America”. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was midsummer and extremely hot outside. Like most families in the 80s our car had a leather interior that stuck to you whenever it was hot out so it was nice to feel the wind through the open window. As that sun was going down I stared out of the window when I saw something larger than an average fly zoom past my face and into the car. I was more interested than scared, which would explain why I didn’t call out to my mom to look at this thing hovering over my lap. I’ll describe it as only my childhood brain processed it as. It was in the shape of a small human. Again it was only slightly larger that a horsefly. Even for it to be that small I could notice human facial features. It had tightly coiled short hair and chubby just like any drawing you’ve seen of cupid. The weird part is that it looked like it was holding a tiny bow and arrow. Although it was hovering over me I don’t clearly remember seeing any wings. The only other way I described his appearance back then is that he looked like his/her body was the texture of a pencil eraser. You know those ones that we all had as kids that were bought separately? It was almost a similar color as well. It wasn’t bright pink, but it also wasn’t flesh colored either. I would say its color was more of a light rose or possibly even mauve. It was an even color all over from its hair to its feet.
As we drove along I stared at this creature. It would hover close to me then back away and kept repeating that motion. Eventually I got the nerve to shoo it away like I would any normal fly. It seemed as though it flew out of the window, but soon after it came back and hovered over my lap again. It kept inching closer and closer until it stuck me with its tiny arrow. I shooed it away again. It backed up slightly then came back and stuck me again before flying away for good. I checked my arm for marks, but found none. I searched around to see if it had hidden somewhere nearby in the car but it hadn’t. More importantly I stared at the rear view mirror to see if my parents had been watching. They hadn’t. I was the only one to see this creature. To this day, almost 30 years later, I haven’t seen anything like it. I haven’t told many people about it, but it still sticks out in my mind all of these years later. Still I wonder if it was something that I’d actually seen or was it possibly some sort of fly I’d never seen before and my imagination just ran with it. Until I see it again I will never know.
-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2016©
Once, when I was about five years old, I saw what I could only describe as a fairy or maybe cupid. I was riding in the car with my parents. We were on our way to the drive in to see “Coming to America”. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was midsummer and extremely hot outside. Like most families in the 80s our car had a leather interior that stuck to you whenever it was hot out so it was nice to feel the wind through the open window. As that sun was going down I stared out of the window when I saw something larger than an average fly zoom past my face and into the car. I was more interested than scared, which would explain why I didn’t call out to my mom to look at this thing hovering over my lap. I’ll describe it as only my childhood brain processed it as. It was in the shape of a small human. Again it was only slightly larger that a horsefly. Even for it to be that small I could notice human facial features. It had tightly coiled short hair and chubby just like any drawing you’ve seen of cupid. The weird part is that it looked like it was holding a tiny bow and arrow. Although it was hovering over me I don’t clearly remember seeing any wings. The only other way I described his appearance back then is that he looked like his/her body was the texture of a pencil eraser. You know those ones that we all had as kids that were bought separately? It was almost a similar color as well. It wasn’t bright pink, but it also wasn’t flesh colored either. I would say its color was more of a light rose or possibly even mauve. It was an even color all over from its hair to its feet.
As we drove along I stared at this creature. It would hover close to me then back away and kept repeating that motion. Eventually I got the nerve to shoo it away like I would any normal fly. It seemed as though it flew out of the window, but soon after it came back and hovered over my lap again. It kept inching closer and closer until it stuck me with its tiny arrow. I shooed it away again. It backed up slightly then came back and stuck me again before flying away for good. I checked my arm for marks, but found none. I searched around to see if it had hidden somewhere nearby in the car but it hadn’t. More importantly I stared at the rear view mirror to see if my parents had been watching. They hadn’t. I was the only one to see this creature. To this day, almost 30 years later, I haven’t seen anything like it. I haven’t told many people about it, but it still sticks out in my mind all of these years later. Still I wonder if it was something that I’d actually seen or was it possibly some sort of fly I’d never seen before and my imagination just ran with it. Until I see it again I will never know.
-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2016©
I made a post about a month ago about my new journal I was excited about.
I said that I was going to toy with the idea of possibly loading some of my entries here, and you know what? I think I might just do that. Being the busy slacker that I am I will admit that I haven't written in it everyday. I'm still in mid-January somewhere. tsk tsk. I won't post every entry because, to be honest, a lot of these prompts that I've encountered so far are pretty dull. I've tried to vamp them up and make the reply all witty and relateable, but it didn't really help much. If the prompt sucks, it sucks. Anyways, I will post the ones that I liked the most and gave me the most to say. Look for that soon and I also want to try and get more of my Tragic Tales posted as well as other poems and stories that are just wasting away in my drafts folder. Also, have a happy Valentine's Day! ... or if you're single like me and enjoy quality tv HAPPY WALKING DEAD DAY!!!
Good Riddance, 2015
It’s already December. 2015 went by entirely too quick. This year I
took on a project (sort of) by posting a picture a day of things that
made me happy. I called it my “365 Days of Happy”. With the year coming
to a close, although I started this project of happy, 2015 was a tough
year for my family and I. Looking back, this year was probably harder on
my family than for myself. My hardest year so far was 2013, but still
2015 for almost everyone I knew was difficult. The way that I am I know
that I can see the hard times more than the good. It’s more obvious to
see the bad when it outweighs the good. I started thinking to myself
what my best years of the past decade were. Once I sat down to really
think about it I’ve had equally bad and good years between 2005-2015.
2005 for me was a pretty decent year. In the past decade I have some years that are neither good nor bad, but there are events that stick out for me. 2005 was definitely one of those years. That summer I rode a plane for the first time. I traveled to Los Angeles with my cousin on a much needed vacation. That was a highlight for me. I got to see LA for the first time and I got to do it with my best friend. The downside of that year is that once we returned from that trip my cousin and I had a falling out and didn’t talk for nearly five years after that which affected me for a while afterwards (and to this day if I’m being honest with myself). For 2005 there’s lots of memories there, but these are the two events that shaped that year for me, both good and bad.
2007 was probably my best year so far and it was for one reason only. I got a chance to go to Australia. It was a big deal to me because ever since I was younger out of my top five places that I’ve ever wanted to visit Oz was always number 1. Sometimes, even now, if I feel like I haven’t accomplished all that I wanted so far, I remind myself that at 24 I got a chance to go to the one place I’ve always wanted to go. Not many 24 year olds can say that. At least not one that has been through the financial strain that I’ve had. What made that trip even better was that I got an opportunity to go on this trip through the National Dean’s List. This program was also awarded to 80 different students throughout the US. I met some great people on that trip. There’s a good number of people that I’m still friends with today and although we don’t talk much I love them to death and hope that they’ll always be apart of my life in some way.
2008 was another great year. That summer alone was filled with a lot of changes. I was accepted to Columbia College Chicago. After getting in things seemed to be rocky because getting approved for student loans took forever, but two weeks before classes started everything fell into place. Within a week I was able to find an apartment in Chicago and move. It was as if the universe was working in my favor for once. I got to meet some great people at that school and also I had some great professors. I really loved that school. It was home for me. I really felt like I fit in there.
2009 was a pretty good year. Like 2005, it was equal parts good and bad. While still adjusting to life in a big city, like Chicago, it took me nine months to find employment. By the time I did find a job I couldn’t afford to stay in school so I had to dropout, unfortunately. The job that I did get was at Borders bookstore. To this day it was the best job I’d ever had. I will admit at the time I didn’t 100% see that because the hours weren’t all that great and a lot of days I went without eating, but I did recognize for the most part that I was working with some pretty great people. I walked into a place where everyone was pretty tight and most accepted me as one of them. I really loved those guys and still do. Hell, even the ones that irritated me I miss.
In 2010 Borders was in it’s last year so I had to find another job. The bad news is it was at Comcast. That job was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I hated that place with a passion. Although since I didn’t start this job until the summer that deep hatred didn’t come until later into the year if not the next. This year was also the first year that I attended Lollapalooza. That deepened my love for this city. I love a good festival, concerts, live shows, a great crowd, and being stuck in a moment where everyone seems to be vibing on the same wavelength. I got to see some of my favorite bands that year like, Stars, Rouge Wave, The Strokes, Matt & Kim, Foxy Shazam, Company of Thieves, and my absolute favorite Gogol Bordello. Not to mention I was able to talk my way into the Gogol Bordello aftershow. That alone was the highlight of the summer. The other highlight of this summer was watching the filming of the third Transformers movie. I was a bit obsessed. On days that I worked, I’d hop on the train to downtown and watch the night shoots. On my days off I’d get up insanely early to watch and stay until the late evening. The creeping paid off because I got to meet Josh Duhamel. I was actually supposed to be an extra, but with my work schedule that fell through.
The bad outweighed the good in 2011, but the great events that happened this year were definitely huge. January of that year my father had a stroke and that was hard because I could only return home for a short time. As the year went on the bad was that I was starting to see how horrible Comcast really was. My stress levels were through the roof. I gained a ton of weight because of it and because of that I fractured my foot early that summer. Even though while I was off on a medical leave and my pay was being screwed with that summer was the best summer thus far. I finally got a chance to see my second favorite band in the world, U2, and it was amazing. Not even a month after seeing U2 I also got a chance to finally see Paul McCartney. Let me tell you, Sir Paul knows how to put on a show. It was also my second year to Lollapalooza. This year Coldplay was one of the headliners. I will say that out of all the shows I’ve ever been to in my life I have never seen anyone put on a show like Coldplay. It was beyond amazing. I also got to see Kid Cudi, Flogging Molly, Friendly Fires, The Kills, and Patrick Stumph. That was definitely a great end to my summer.
2012 was like riding an intense roller coaster. The start of the year I slowly climbed uphill. By the time spring had arrived I reached the top. I received notice that I was being evicted from my place in Chicago. Down we go. That entire spring and summer I spent every day I had off searching for apartments. Those days I spent at least eight hours online, on the phone, or walking entire neighborhoods searching for a place. I had never given that much effort to anything in my life. Still the sharp turns and smalls drops from all the rejections came one after another, but I kept going. I guess deep down I knew I was going to be defeated, but there was no way I was going to give in. That summer was my last Lollapalooza. It was a much needed distraction. The headliners were big that year. I got to see Black Sabbath, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Jack White. I also got the opportunity to meet Dhani Harrison and the rest of TheNewNo2 and, one of my favorites, Passion Pit. The last concert I saw in Chicago was The Monkees that November. I couldn’t think of a better way to end a wild ride. I said goodbye to Chicago December 6, 2012 and my roller coaster ride came to a stop.
2013, like I said before, was my worst year to date. That is because my roller coaster ride came to a stop and I was still stuck in the seat. It’s as if the whole amusement park shut down and forgot I was there. I then shut down. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to live. Everything just hurt. There was a such a sadness that clouded me that it made me numb. My friends went ghost and no one seemed to notice how much pain I was in. I was also forced to see my father’s growing drug habit which I spent years in denial about. It was just something to add to my already low point. March of that year my aunt was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It just added to the cloud. That year she went through multiple surgeries. The first to remove the cancerous tumor. The next was a non-cancerous tumor on her brain stem that developed later than year. Not much else occurred that year since this is the year that my life froze.
2014 really was no different than 2013. More bad than good. I was still stuck in a deep depression. At least in this year I felt like I was free to leave the roller coaster. Now I was just wondering through a dark amusement park alone looking for an exit. That summer my cousin had to bury her first born son who was shot and killed. He was only a 16 year old kid. That was a blow to my family. My aunt’s health was up and down. Throughout the year her health was more up than down until the end of the year. A week after Thanksgiving she went into the hospital where she stayed for over a month. No one in the family knew that it would be the last time she’d see home. That December was strange. It seemed as though we spent most of that time getting all of her personal affairs in order. I just remember I couldn’t imagine knowing that this was it and getting everything together before I left this world. Although I had spent the better part of these last few years in a deep darkness it seemed as though I was the only family member really thinking that she was going to make it through. When she made it into the new year and got to see the start of 2015 I was certain of it.
That brings us to this year. Even though I was still hopeful I knew this year was going to be another tragic one which is why I decided to start my “365 Days of Happy” project. I needed something to remind me that there is something happy in each and every day. About a week into the new year my aunt was moved from the hospital to hospice where she stayed for only eight days. Barely two weeks into the new year and we had to plan a funeral. That’s how our year started. For my family it seems as though they’ve been hit with blow after blow this year. They’ve been hit with one possibly losing her home and another losing her job after 34+ years of service because the plant is closing it’s doors*. More health scares as well as the continued mourning for my aunt as we close in on a year of her death. I’ve spent this year trying to turn all past, present, and future negatives into positives. As hard as it was I see that there was no other choice but for me to leave Chicago when I did. Had I still been there when my aunt got sick I would’ve had to fight tooth and nail with Comcast in order to get some sort of time off to spend with my family. This year I spent trying to get back on my feet. This summer I found two jobs. I’ve tried to grow my social circle and reconnected with some old friends. These past few years have been rough. Very very rough. I try to dip my toes in the positivity pool, but there’s still a cloud that hovers over me. I won’t deny that. There’s still a bitterness and sadness that lingers from 2013. With that still in mind even though it is now December 7, 2015 I still feel that there is time for 2015 to turn things around and end on a good note. My family and I deserve it. I’m keeping my fingers crossed on that one. There’s always a rainbow after the storm and I, for one, think this storm has lingered for far too long. Here’s to hoping that 2016 is far more kind.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
*I hope you guys respect and understand that I don’t want to go into personal details here of ongoing situations.
2005 for me was a pretty decent year. In the past decade I have some years that are neither good nor bad, but there are events that stick out for me. 2005 was definitely one of those years. That summer I rode a plane for the first time. I traveled to Los Angeles with my cousin on a much needed vacation. That was a highlight for me. I got to see LA for the first time and I got to do it with my best friend. The downside of that year is that once we returned from that trip my cousin and I had a falling out and didn’t talk for nearly five years after that which affected me for a while afterwards (and to this day if I’m being honest with myself). For 2005 there’s lots of memories there, but these are the two events that shaped that year for me, both good and bad.
2007 was probably my best year so far and it was for one reason only. I got a chance to go to Australia. It was a big deal to me because ever since I was younger out of my top five places that I’ve ever wanted to visit Oz was always number 1. Sometimes, even now, if I feel like I haven’t accomplished all that I wanted so far, I remind myself that at 24 I got a chance to go to the one place I’ve always wanted to go. Not many 24 year olds can say that. At least not one that has been through the financial strain that I’ve had. What made that trip even better was that I got an opportunity to go on this trip through the National Dean’s List. This program was also awarded to 80 different students throughout the US. I met some great people on that trip. There’s a good number of people that I’m still friends with today and although we don’t talk much I love them to death and hope that they’ll always be apart of my life in some way.
2008 was another great year. That summer alone was filled with a lot of changes. I was accepted to Columbia College Chicago. After getting in things seemed to be rocky because getting approved for student loans took forever, but two weeks before classes started everything fell into place. Within a week I was able to find an apartment in Chicago and move. It was as if the universe was working in my favor for once. I got to meet some great people at that school and also I had some great professors. I really loved that school. It was home for me. I really felt like I fit in there.
2009 was a pretty good year. Like 2005, it was equal parts good and bad. While still adjusting to life in a big city, like Chicago, it took me nine months to find employment. By the time I did find a job I couldn’t afford to stay in school so I had to dropout, unfortunately. The job that I did get was at Borders bookstore. To this day it was the best job I’d ever had. I will admit at the time I didn’t 100% see that because the hours weren’t all that great and a lot of days I went without eating, but I did recognize for the most part that I was working with some pretty great people. I walked into a place where everyone was pretty tight and most accepted me as one of them. I really loved those guys and still do. Hell, even the ones that irritated me I miss.
In 2010 Borders was in it’s last year so I had to find another job. The bad news is it was at Comcast. That job was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I hated that place with a passion. Although since I didn’t start this job until the summer that deep hatred didn’t come until later into the year if not the next. This year was also the first year that I attended Lollapalooza. That deepened my love for this city. I love a good festival, concerts, live shows, a great crowd, and being stuck in a moment where everyone seems to be vibing on the same wavelength. I got to see some of my favorite bands that year like, Stars, Rouge Wave, The Strokes, Matt & Kim, Foxy Shazam, Company of Thieves, and my absolute favorite Gogol Bordello. Not to mention I was able to talk my way into the Gogol Bordello aftershow. That alone was the highlight of the summer. The other highlight of this summer was watching the filming of the third Transformers movie. I was a bit obsessed. On days that I worked, I’d hop on the train to downtown and watch the night shoots. On my days off I’d get up insanely early to watch and stay until the late evening. The creeping paid off because I got to meet Josh Duhamel. I was actually supposed to be an extra, but with my work schedule that fell through.
The bad outweighed the good in 2011, but the great events that happened this year were definitely huge. January of that year my father had a stroke and that was hard because I could only return home for a short time. As the year went on the bad was that I was starting to see how horrible Comcast really was. My stress levels were through the roof. I gained a ton of weight because of it and because of that I fractured my foot early that summer. Even though while I was off on a medical leave and my pay was being screwed with that summer was the best summer thus far. I finally got a chance to see my second favorite band in the world, U2, and it was amazing. Not even a month after seeing U2 I also got a chance to finally see Paul McCartney. Let me tell you, Sir Paul knows how to put on a show. It was also my second year to Lollapalooza. This year Coldplay was one of the headliners. I will say that out of all the shows I’ve ever been to in my life I have never seen anyone put on a show like Coldplay. It was beyond amazing. I also got to see Kid Cudi, Flogging Molly, Friendly Fires, The Kills, and Patrick Stumph. That was definitely a great end to my summer.
2012 was like riding an intense roller coaster. The start of the year I slowly climbed uphill. By the time spring had arrived I reached the top. I received notice that I was being evicted from my place in Chicago. Down we go. That entire spring and summer I spent every day I had off searching for apartments. Those days I spent at least eight hours online, on the phone, or walking entire neighborhoods searching for a place. I had never given that much effort to anything in my life. Still the sharp turns and smalls drops from all the rejections came one after another, but I kept going. I guess deep down I knew I was going to be defeated, but there was no way I was going to give in. That summer was my last Lollapalooza. It was a much needed distraction. The headliners were big that year. I got to see Black Sabbath, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Jack White. I also got the opportunity to meet Dhani Harrison and the rest of TheNewNo2 and, one of my favorites, Passion Pit. The last concert I saw in Chicago was The Monkees that November. I couldn’t think of a better way to end a wild ride. I said goodbye to Chicago December 6, 2012 and my roller coaster ride came to a stop.
2013, like I said before, was my worst year to date. That is because my roller coaster ride came to a stop and I was still stuck in the seat. It’s as if the whole amusement park shut down and forgot I was there. I then shut down. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to live. Everything just hurt. There was a such a sadness that clouded me that it made me numb. My friends went ghost and no one seemed to notice how much pain I was in. I was also forced to see my father’s growing drug habit which I spent years in denial about. It was just something to add to my already low point. March of that year my aunt was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. It just added to the cloud. That year she went through multiple surgeries. The first to remove the cancerous tumor. The next was a non-cancerous tumor on her brain stem that developed later than year. Not much else occurred that year since this is the year that my life froze.
2014 really was no different than 2013. More bad than good. I was still stuck in a deep depression. At least in this year I felt like I was free to leave the roller coaster. Now I was just wondering through a dark amusement park alone looking for an exit. That summer my cousin had to bury her first born son who was shot and killed. He was only a 16 year old kid. That was a blow to my family. My aunt’s health was up and down. Throughout the year her health was more up than down until the end of the year. A week after Thanksgiving she went into the hospital where she stayed for over a month. No one in the family knew that it would be the last time she’d see home. That December was strange. It seemed as though we spent most of that time getting all of her personal affairs in order. I just remember I couldn’t imagine knowing that this was it and getting everything together before I left this world. Although I had spent the better part of these last few years in a deep darkness it seemed as though I was the only family member really thinking that she was going to make it through. When she made it into the new year and got to see the start of 2015 I was certain of it.
That brings us to this year. Even though I was still hopeful I knew this year was going to be another tragic one which is why I decided to start my “365 Days of Happy” project. I needed something to remind me that there is something happy in each and every day. About a week into the new year my aunt was moved from the hospital to hospice where she stayed for only eight days. Barely two weeks into the new year and we had to plan a funeral. That’s how our year started. For my family it seems as though they’ve been hit with blow after blow this year. They’ve been hit with one possibly losing her home and another losing her job after 34+ years of service because the plant is closing it’s doors*. More health scares as well as the continued mourning for my aunt as we close in on a year of her death. I’ve spent this year trying to turn all past, present, and future negatives into positives. As hard as it was I see that there was no other choice but for me to leave Chicago when I did. Had I still been there when my aunt got sick I would’ve had to fight tooth and nail with Comcast in order to get some sort of time off to spend with my family. This year I spent trying to get back on my feet. This summer I found two jobs. I’ve tried to grow my social circle and reconnected with some old friends. These past few years have been rough. Very very rough. I try to dip my toes in the positivity pool, but there’s still a cloud that hovers over me. I won’t deny that. There’s still a bitterness and sadness that lingers from 2013. With that still in mind even though it is now December 7, 2015 I still feel that there is time for 2015 to turn things around and end on a good note. My family and I deserve it. I’m keeping my fingers crossed on that one. There’s always a rainbow after the storm and I, for one, think this storm has lingered for far too long. Here’s to hoping that 2016 is far more kind.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
*I hope you guys respect and understand that I don’t want to go into personal details here of ongoing situations.
There’s Constant Screaming Among The Silence In My Head
Recently I came across an article on Buzzfeed
that spoke to everything that makes me what I am and especially how
I’ve been feeling the last three years of my life. This article broke
down, what some, who battle both depression and anxiety feel on a
regular basis. I’ve spoken before that I’ve never been properly
diagnosed with depression and/or anxiety but I have never related to
something so much in my life. There was a list of 20 things that people
who deal with depression and anxiety go through. While I couldn’t relate
to all, here are some of the ones that literally had me in tears by the
time I’d finished the article.
Almost three years ago when I moved back home to Ohio from Chicago I
shut down. I shut down for almost two years. I was saddened by my sudden
huge setback in life while at the same time wanting to move forward,
but couldn’t. I knew in order to get back on track that I had to kick my
life into overdrive, but had no will to get out of bed let alone try
and live life like a fully functioning human being. I kept telling
myself that this will be the time that I will try to buckle down and
start writing but the thought of starting that process caused me so much
anxiety that it would cause me to crash. Everyday was tomorrow.
Everyday I’d start poems or stories, only to have them sit in my drafts
folder because I put to much pressure on myself. Everything just left me
feeling tense and overwhelmed. Simple things like just getting up and
getting the day started caused me to become a nervous wreck. I knew at a
certain point that in order to get my life back together I’d need to
find a job, but some days I’d open up a job application and just stare
at it. The thought of filling one out and possibly putting myself into
another stressful work situation scared the hell out of me. I’d tell
myself I was being silly, but that didn’t make the anxiousness go away.
When I returned home I was expecting lots of support from people I considered friends. I actually was the one who was game to go out, but unfortunately got too many excuses from too many people and again shut down. I got the feeling that none of these people cared which caused me to wonder why I should. My depression grew bigger as I had no one to confide in. I desperately wanted a friend to reach out so that I had an excuse to move. To live. I only got that from a friend who now lives in another state. I’d make myself get out of bed when she came into town. I had to. I just knew deep down that I had to even though it was a struggle to get out of bed.
I do feel sort of pathetic that I’ve been single for many years now, but while I’d like to be in a relationship I don’t see why anyone would date me. How would I even be able to function in a relationship when I’ve become so used to being alone? Honestly the thought of someone possibly understanding me and taking on the challenge of me is sort of scary. I once found a man that partly understood me and I didn’t tell him how I felt. Now I compare every man that approaches me to him. I don’t want to start over brand new with someone who will possibly judge me for something that I have no control over, when I had someone in my grasp that made me feel like I could be me. What if I happen to find another person who will understand all that goes through my mind and I end up scaring them away? What a waste that would be.
For those two years when my life stopped I had no sense of time. I’d
sleep until 2pm and be awake until 5am. My mind never stopped. Ideas and
thoughts were (are) going nonstop, but I had not a lick of motivation
to actually do anything. All I wanted to do was sleep. Sometimes I feel
myself slip into that even now. It’s like a never ending exhaustion.
Sometimes that exhaustion makes me angry because I know there are lots
I’d like to accomplish whether they be big goals or small ones and I
feel so helpless and like a failure. I want(ed) to make my future, but
it is scary and again, shut down.
This is my thought process all day everyday. There’s so much I want to
do. There’s so much I need to do and there’s this overwhelming feeling
of can’t. It feels almost impossible. It’s so crippling. More than
anything I want to be back in Chicago or possibly go to New York. I know
I want to be in some city rich with art, but when it comes to putting a
plan together to make all this happen it’s like my mind blows a gasket
and I let myself get overwhelmed. I get stressed out over the smallest
details because I want a plan set out ahead of me and I want everything
to go according to that plan. When nothing goes as planned that’s when I
don’t want to do anything at all because I’m lost on what to do. It’s
an exhausting process that barely even gets off the ground.
I know I become anxious over small things which leads me to think
that it’s all in my head. It’s a sort of paranoia. Is what I’m feeling
real? Is it really worth being this being anxious about? Should I really
be paralyzed by this feeling? I let my mind be weighed down by things
that to most people seem like small or no problems at all.
I lay awake all day and night thinking of how great my life would be and should be, but the thought of never getting there terrifies me. I’m never going to get to that level of comfort in life, so why bother. I really want to think that things for me will get better, but there’s a huge chance that they will not. I stick it out even though most days I really don’t want to. I stick it out because I truly want to believe that there is a purpose for me. That faith often weakens, but I know that I have to try.
A feeling I cannot explain is feeling nothing and everything at the same time. I often tell people that I feel too much and care too little or vice versa. That is the constant state of anxiousness for me. That state of caring about your future, wanting better for yourself, standing up for those you love, trying to be productive in life, and also saying “fuck it all.” Those two conflicting feelings tug inside of me constantly. In one breath I could be pouring my heart out and throw up my hand at the same time. #20 alone sums up how I feel in my soul. Just reading that one sentence makes me want to break down. The feeling of everything and nothing is like being ripped in two. Again, I shut down as this feeling has left me paralyzed then get back up and go through steps 1-20 again.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
When I returned home I was expecting lots of support from people I considered friends. I actually was the one who was game to go out, but unfortunately got too many excuses from too many people and again shut down. I got the feeling that none of these people cared which caused me to wonder why I should. My depression grew bigger as I had no one to confide in. I desperately wanted a friend to reach out so that I had an excuse to move. To live. I only got that from a friend who now lives in another state. I’d make myself get out of bed when she came into town. I had to. I just knew deep down that I had to even though it was a struggle to get out of bed.
I do feel sort of pathetic that I’ve been single for many years now, but while I’d like to be in a relationship I don’t see why anyone would date me. How would I even be able to function in a relationship when I’ve become so used to being alone? Honestly the thought of someone possibly understanding me and taking on the challenge of me is sort of scary. I once found a man that partly understood me and I didn’t tell him how I felt. Now I compare every man that approaches me to him. I don’t want to start over brand new with someone who will possibly judge me for something that I have no control over, when I had someone in my grasp that made me feel like I could be me. What if I happen to find another person who will understand all that goes through my mind and I end up scaring them away? What a waste that would be.
I lay awake all day and night thinking of how great my life would be and should be, but the thought of never getting there terrifies me. I’m never going to get to that level of comfort in life, so why bother. I really want to think that things for me will get better, but there’s a huge chance that they will not. I stick it out even though most days I really don’t want to. I stick it out because I truly want to believe that there is a purpose for me. That faith often weakens, but I know that I have to try.
A feeling I cannot explain is feeling nothing and everything at the same time. I often tell people that I feel too much and care too little or vice versa. That is the constant state of anxiousness for me. That state of caring about your future, wanting better for yourself, standing up for those you love, trying to be productive in life, and also saying “fuck it all.” Those two conflicting feelings tug inside of me constantly. In one breath I could be pouring my heart out and throw up my hand at the same time. #20 alone sums up how I feel in my soul. Just reading that one sentence makes me want to break down. The feeling of everything and nothing is like being ripped in two. Again, I shut down as this feeling has left me paralyzed then get back up and go through steps 1-20 again.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
Am I Where I Should Be?
I envy people who are happy with who they are and where they’re at in
life. That must be a freeing feeling to be who you truly are and be
confident and completely trusting in where you’re headed in life. I wish
I had that. I wish that I could be who I am. I’m not speaking in a
sense that I’m afraid to live my life a certain way. I mean that I’m not
sure who I am and who I’m meant to be. I’d like to imagine that in the
past I had an idea of who I was and what I wanted, but that all changed.
Life took a turn and I stumbled along the way. Now I’m unsure of
everything. I’m unsure of what makes me happy. Unsure of what I long to
do with my life. Unsure of who I should let into my life. I just don’t
know. Once upon a time I wanted to be a teacher, writer, director,
photographer, and journalist. I wanted to create things that the world
could related to. That need to create something that the world will
relate to is still there, but my ambition to create is lost. I feel as
though all I want to say has been said and if it hasn’t already been
said I’m lost on how to put it into words.
I’m so unhappy with life right now. It’s not just a sadness that’s knowingly felt and bubbles to the surface from time to time. It’s a sadness that sits at my core and just sits there like a sick felling, where you can’t remember what you ate, but all you know is that it’s made you nauseous. I can’t 100% explain it. I want to know what it feels like to say “Great! I found my calling!” Instead I’m lingering on something that at one point I felt was my calling and now it’s just a dwindling hobby. Don’t get me wrong, I do think that my writing is pretty good, but there’s no love behind it anymore. There’s no dying need for it. I miss the feeling of NEEDING to write. At one point in my life it brought me joy to write until my hand would cramp because that said to me that I was accomplishing something. It said to me that my mind was running a mile a minute and my hand was hurrying to catch up with every thought I could think. All I ever wanted to do, since I can remember, was write. That is all I ever wanted. This is something I wanted so much for my life and now I just can’t be bothered with it. I have to MAKE myself write. Never in my life have I ever had to make myself do that. Any free moment I had there was a pen in my hand. Always. Now that need, that want, is completely gone.
I’ve run out of accomplishments and I’ve run out of knowledge on what I want. No matter my career, my love life, my family life, I just don’t know what I want. I just know that I want to feel free. I don’t know what that entails, but I’d like to think I’d know it when I feel it. So far I don’t feel free. I think a sense of creative freedom and freedom from my mind would bring me happiness. To me freedom equals happiness. I don’t remember the last time I felt free, but I do know that even then I didn’t feel completely free. It was just a glimpse of what could be. That glimpse was everything. It gave me hope. I liked that feeling. Although at the time I was going through other struggles, that little ray of hope made everything okay. Then my world just sort of collapsed. Everything changed and my drive vanished.
Next month I’ll only be 33 and I just feel so stuck that I’ve somewhat lost hope. Too old for adventures. Slowly becoming to old to possibly be someone’s mom. Too old to feel like I have to coerce people into friendships. Too old to make new friendships. Too old to return to school to continue and education that I’m not even sure I want anymore. Too old to play the field when I should be settling down. I just feel too far gone. I’m so so gone.
So to anyone who is in the career they truly want, have the relationships that they want and make them better (whether it be with a partner, family, friends, etc) I really do envy that and it’s scary because I’m not absolutely sure if I ever will. At least not to the extent where I will be truly happy and satisfied.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
I’m so unhappy with life right now. It’s not just a sadness that’s knowingly felt and bubbles to the surface from time to time. It’s a sadness that sits at my core and just sits there like a sick felling, where you can’t remember what you ate, but all you know is that it’s made you nauseous. I can’t 100% explain it. I want to know what it feels like to say “Great! I found my calling!” Instead I’m lingering on something that at one point I felt was my calling and now it’s just a dwindling hobby. Don’t get me wrong, I do think that my writing is pretty good, but there’s no love behind it anymore. There’s no dying need for it. I miss the feeling of NEEDING to write. At one point in my life it brought me joy to write until my hand would cramp because that said to me that I was accomplishing something. It said to me that my mind was running a mile a minute and my hand was hurrying to catch up with every thought I could think. All I ever wanted to do, since I can remember, was write. That is all I ever wanted. This is something I wanted so much for my life and now I just can’t be bothered with it. I have to MAKE myself write. Never in my life have I ever had to make myself do that. Any free moment I had there was a pen in my hand. Always. Now that need, that want, is completely gone.
I’ve run out of accomplishments and I’ve run out of knowledge on what I want. No matter my career, my love life, my family life, I just don’t know what I want. I just know that I want to feel free. I don’t know what that entails, but I’d like to think I’d know it when I feel it. So far I don’t feel free. I think a sense of creative freedom and freedom from my mind would bring me happiness. To me freedom equals happiness. I don’t remember the last time I felt free, but I do know that even then I didn’t feel completely free. It was just a glimpse of what could be. That glimpse was everything. It gave me hope. I liked that feeling. Although at the time I was going through other struggles, that little ray of hope made everything okay. Then my world just sort of collapsed. Everything changed and my drive vanished.
Next month I’ll only be 33 and I just feel so stuck that I’ve somewhat lost hope. Too old for adventures. Slowly becoming to old to possibly be someone’s mom. Too old to feel like I have to coerce people into friendships. Too old to make new friendships. Too old to return to school to continue and education that I’m not even sure I want anymore. Too old to play the field when I should be settling down. I just feel too far gone. I’m so so gone.
So to anyone who is in the career they truly want, have the relationships that they want and make them better (whether it be with a partner, family, friends, etc) I really do envy that and it’s scary because I’m not absolutely sure if I ever will. At least not to the extent where I will be truly happy and satisfied.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tragic Work Tales #2
My
first job was a tough one. It wasn’t tough as in what the job entailed.
It was tough because I was a 19 year old kid just trying to make enough
money to pay for school, get experience, and to set foot into the
working world. I didn’t anticipate the amount of drama that would come
with the responsibility. It was the type of drama that I hadn’t even
experienced in high school. I got to see first hand how petty and
backwards so called adults were. There are many things I could say about
this place. MANY. I want to tell this one tale in particular because it
left me the most puzzled. Trust me, I’ll tell more of this place in the
future.
I stayed with my first job for almost seven years. Most of the people in my department I got along with and loved like family. The few who barely lifted a finger even had a place in my heart (except during work hours because I was doing the majority of the work and seriously fuck them for that) but one did not. On the surface he came off as a good guy. He was very talkative and very much a guy who wanted to be liked by everybody, but I assumed he played the likable guy to keep people’s attention away from the fact that he didn’t do shit but gossip for eight hours. I was always amused how he did very little and never got called out on it, but I would get called out on the smallest things even though I did 75% of the work that came through our department.
There was always something about him that made me uncomfortable, but most of the time I’d just ignore it and concentrate on my work. Since his job was to repair items that were returned damaged he spent his time in the back. Well he spent time back there when he wasn’t roaming the building to gossip to all the women in other departments. As the years went on more responsibility was placed on me which meant I got to do more work that called for me to enter information into our system. Some days when it was slow on the floor I’d work on projects in the back as well as I’d always take my breaks in our work room anyways. One day while on the computer, after this guy had left for the day, I noticed he hadn’t closed all the windows he had open. As I was closing them I noticed a few were pornographic. The first time it caught me off guard, of course. By the 20th time I was disgusted. Look, I have no problem with porn at all. What I do have a problem with is someone doing it at work and on a shared company computer. I noticed that he would visit sites, but most of the videos and images he looked at were being emailed to his work email from his friends. It got to a point where it seemed as though he was trying to taunt me. He’d open images when I was working in the back even though he might’ve been on the other side of the room working on something else when I walked in. It also seemed as though he’d leave this stuff open when he left for the day so that I’d have to be the one to get rid of it.
People always say there’s a straw that breaks the camel’s when they’re dealing with bullshit. I had two straws and both incidents happened pretty close together. By this point there was another woman, with the same job title as me, who had started to notice what he was doing and we’d compare notes. Also, being who I am, I started becoming vocal and speaking to other coworkers about it and how grossed out I was. The first final straw was using the computer on a break one day, and again having to close out all of his emails after he’d gone, but one image looked familiar. One of our other coworkers (who was fairly new and also did about 10% of work if any at all) had taken a few photos from my MySpace and emailed them to him. I. Was. Livid. I decided not to speak up on that because I know how I am and the things that come out of my mouth when I’m legit angry, and trust me, I was fuming. I told a few folks who were all on the same level as me when it came to job title and who also knew of the stuff this guy did. The last final straw came not too long after when this particular computer got a virus. When it was finally fixed the manager in our department (who is the biggest twat I’ve ever worked for, honestly) left a note on the computer stating that the cause of the virus was because of MySpace, Facebook, etc. and that all of the people who were in the same pay grade as myself could only use it for work purposes (mind you this dude got right back to his porn habits as soon as it was fixed, but yeah sure Facebook did it *eye roll*). When I saw that note I was again fuming. I’m sorry, but if I bust my ass around here while most everyone else in this place does jack shit but gossip all day then I’m going to spend my breaks/lunches winding down the way I want. I texted a coworker, who hadn’t started his shift yet, that we were being punished for this dude’s bullshit. My coworker texted me back “Fuck that. I’m gonna put in my two weeks notice when I get there. Watch me.” And that’s exactly what he did. I was even more upset, because this guy and I had become close and he’s one of the few people that made my days there bearable. Now he was going to quit all because our boss treated this perv like he was gold.
How I handled the situation was writing a strongly worded letter to my supervisor and the director of the company. I won’t even drag this part of the story out because of course nothing was done. I was down a friend. I was up enemies because people didn’t want to believe that he was doing it. Actually I’m not sure what they thought, but the fact that no one sided with a young woman who was clearly uncomfortable working with a grown man who watched porn at work, on a company computer, oh and I forgot to mention that he would also have phone sex with women in other departments during work hours. That was always a fun listen, but I was the bad guy in the whole situation. A family member once suggested that I’d tell the police since this job was only a few blocks away from the police station. My one regret while I worked there is that I didn’t do just that, but my thought at that time was that it wasn’t that serious. I really should have done that though. Not sure what that would’ve accomplished, but if you have someone who can’t get through a workday without watching porn then no telling what type of individual he may actually be.
I gladly left that job in the summer of 2008. That place got under my skin so much that I left the damn state. I mean, my main reason was to transfer to another school, but my second reason was to get a clean break from that place. I visited once on winter break early 2009 and that was the last I stepped foot in there. When I moved back home 2013 family kept saying “Go back there. I’m sure you’d get hired back.” No. I’d rather be in poverty than return to that establishment. Not joking. This is only one of many problems I had with that place. Never again. Not today, Satan.
-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2015©
I stayed with my first job for almost seven years. Most of the people in my department I got along with and loved like family. The few who barely lifted a finger even had a place in my heart (except during work hours because I was doing the majority of the work and seriously fuck them for that) but one did not. On the surface he came off as a good guy. He was very talkative and very much a guy who wanted to be liked by everybody, but I assumed he played the likable guy to keep people’s attention away from the fact that he didn’t do shit but gossip for eight hours. I was always amused how he did very little and never got called out on it, but I would get called out on the smallest things even though I did 75% of the work that came through our department.
There was always something about him that made me uncomfortable, but most of the time I’d just ignore it and concentrate on my work. Since his job was to repair items that were returned damaged he spent his time in the back. Well he spent time back there when he wasn’t roaming the building to gossip to all the women in other departments. As the years went on more responsibility was placed on me which meant I got to do more work that called for me to enter information into our system. Some days when it was slow on the floor I’d work on projects in the back as well as I’d always take my breaks in our work room anyways. One day while on the computer, after this guy had left for the day, I noticed he hadn’t closed all the windows he had open. As I was closing them I noticed a few were pornographic. The first time it caught me off guard, of course. By the 20th time I was disgusted. Look, I have no problem with porn at all. What I do have a problem with is someone doing it at work and on a shared company computer. I noticed that he would visit sites, but most of the videos and images he looked at were being emailed to his work email from his friends. It got to a point where it seemed as though he was trying to taunt me. He’d open images when I was working in the back even though he might’ve been on the other side of the room working on something else when I walked in. It also seemed as though he’d leave this stuff open when he left for the day so that I’d have to be the one to get rid of it.
People always say there’s a straw that breaks the camel’s when they’re dealing with bullshit. I had two straws and both incidents happened pretty close together. By this point there was another woman, with the same job title as me, who had started to notice what he was doing and we’d compare notes. Also, being who I am, I started becoming vocal and speaking to other coworkers about it and how grossed out I was. The first final straw was using the computer on a break one day, and again having to close out all of his emails after he’d gone, but one image looked familiar. One of our other coworkers (who was fairly new and also did about 10% of work if any at all) had taken a few photos from my MySpace and emailed them to him. I. Was. Livid. I decided not to speak up on that because I know how I am and the things that come out of my mouth when I’m legit angry, and trust me, I was fuming. I told a few folks who were all on the same level as me when it came to job title and who also knew of the stuff this guy did. The last final straw came not too long after when this particular computer got a virus. When it was finally fixed the manager in our department (who is the biggest twat I’ve ever worked for, honestly) left a note on the computer stating that the cause of the virus was because of MySpace, Facebook, etc. and that all of the people who were in the same pay grade as myself could only use it for work purposes (mind you this dude got right back to his porn habits as soon as it was fixed, but yeah sure Facebook did it *eye roll*). When I saw that note I was again fuming. I’m sorry, but if I bust my ass around here while most everyone else in this place does jack shit but gossip all day then I’m going to spend my breaks/lunches winding down the way I want. I texted a coworker, who hadn’t started his shift yet, that we were being punished for this dude’s bullshit. My coworker texted me back “Fuck that. I’m gonna put in my two weeks notice when I get there. Watch me.” And that’s exactly what he did. I was even more upset, because this guy and I had become close and he’s one of the few people that made my days there bearable. Now he was going to quit all because our boss treated this perv like he was gold.
How I handled the situation was writing a strongly worded letter to my supervisor and the director of the company. I won’t even drag this part of the story out because of course nothing was done. I was down a friend. I was up enemies because people didn’t want to believe that he was doing it. Actually I’m not sure what they thought, but the fact that no one sided with a young woman who was clearly uncomfortable working with a grown man who watched porn at work, on a company computer, oh and I forgot to mention that he would also have phone sex with women in other departments during work hours. That was always a fun listen, but I was the bad guy in the whole situation. A family member once suggested that I’d tell the police since this job was only a few blocks away from the police station. My one regret while I worked there is that I didn’t do just that, but my thought at that time was that it wasn’t that serious. I really should have done that though. Not sure what that would’ve accomplished, but if you have someone who can’t get through a workday without watching porn then no telling what type of individual he may actually be.
I gladly left that job in the summer of 2008. That place got under my skin so much that I left the damn state. I mean, my main reason was to transfer to another school, but my second reason was to get a clean break from that place. I visited once on winter break early 2009 and that was the last I stepped foot in there. When I moved back home 2013 family kept saying “Go back there. I’m sure you’d get hired back.” No. I’d rather be in poverty than return to that establishment. Not joking. This is only one of many problems I had with that place. Never again. Not today, Satan.
-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2015©
Reasons I Don't Like To Be Around My Grandma
My mom and I took my grandma to this festival in her neighborhood
that she wanted to go to. At one point after we grabbed some food my mom
points out this cute kid that’s clinging to her moms leg because she
wants to be picked up. We both playfully laugh with the mom (Who’s a bit
of a distance from us.) The mom picks the girl up and my grandma says
“I wouldn’t have picked her up. Let her fat ass walk. There’s nothing
wrong with her legs.” Did I mention the little girl looked to be about
2-3 years old? My grandma called a toddler a “fat ass”. Have I also
mentioned that quite a few women in this family suffer(ed) from body
image issues and/or eating disorders? Hmmmm….. I wonder where that comes
from? Either way it’s unnecessary to call someone a “fat ass” and it’s
more than disgusting to use that term to describe a child.
After we were done eating and I told her how awful a person she was, we walked around and looked at some of the stuff people were selling. Out of the blue she asks “When y'all were into The In Sing did you know that guy was gay? Was he not gay then?” 1. Who the fuck is “The In Sing”? 2. NSYNC broke up like 10 years ago so why is this relevant? 3. And no he totally wasn’t gay then. He turned on the gay switch when the band band broke up and 4. Why do bring up gay people out of the blue all the time when you know you’re gonna say something dumb and offensive that is gonna push my buttons and make me go off?
We decided to sit again and see this cover band play doo-wop. A few songs in this mom sits next to me with her two young kids. Her youngest, a little boy about 2 years old, was a total ham. He was dancing all over the place, moving his little Spider-man chair in front of the stage, and trailing this older lady who was photographing the band because he became completely obsessed with her camera (Although I think his mom should’ve grabbed him because at one point he followed the woman back to her seat and kept trying to climb onto her lap). It was completely cute and everyone in our section was laughing more at him than the band making jokes. When the set was over my mom and I were still laughing about this kid and how he must’ve gotten on the one woman’s nerves. My grandma just blurts out “I think he was mixed.” because that totally was a factor in the conversation and totally explained his mischievous behavior.
If it doesn’t have to do with race, weight, or homosexuality she has nothing to say and they are the things she probably should keep her mouth shut about or at least think before she speaks. I swear I feel tense whenever I’m around her. It’s like nothing but offensive shit flies out of her mouth and when you call her on it she’s not even adult enough to at least say “Okay I can see how that may be hurtful or ignorant.” She just kinda laughs it off. Like, no, its not funny. I shouldn’t have to tell you this shit EVERY time I’m around you. As a human being you should know that some of the crap that falls out of your mouth is hurtful. Period. It’s not rocket science. It doesn’t take a Yale graduate to know you shouldn’t do something like call a 3 year old “fat ass”. I’m so glad that I have two jobs now cause I’d rather work overtime than be around her, honestly. I know that my mom feels she needs to take care of her since my aunt passed, but my grandmother needs to learn how to take care of some of her own business, take advice good people try to give her, think before speaking, and more importantly seek some therapy or pay for mine cause I feel like I need a therapist after every visit with her. She is mentally exhausting.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
After we were done eating and I told her how awful a person she was, we walked around and looked at some of the stuff people were selling. Out of the blue she asks “When y'all were into The In Sing did you know that guy was gay? Was he not gay then?” 1. Who the fuck is “The In Sing”? 2. NSYNC broke up like 10 years ago so why is this relevant? 3. And no he totally wasn’t gay then. He turned on the gay switch when the band band broke up and 4. Why do bring up gay people out of the blue all the time when you know you’re gonna say something dumb and offensive that is gonna push my buttons and make me go off?
We decided to sit again and see this cover band play doo-wop. A few songs in this mom sits next to me with her two young kids. Her youngest, a little boy about 2 years old, was a total ham. He was dancing all over the place, moving his little Spider-man chair in front of the stage, and trailing this older lady who was photographing the band because he became completely obsessed with her camera (Although I think his mom should’ve grabbed him because at one point he followed the woman back to her seat and kept trying to climb onto her lap). It was completely cute and everyone in our section was laughing more at him than the band making jokes. When the set was over my mom and I were still laughing about this kid and how he must’ve gotten on the one woman’s nerves. My grandma just blurts out “I think he was mixed.” because that totally was a factor in the conversation and totally explained his mischievous behavior.
If it doesn’t have to do with race, weight, or homosexuality she has nothing to say and they are the things she probably should keep her mouth shut about or at least think before she speaks. I swear I feel tense whenever I’m around her. It’s like nothing but offensive shit flies out of her mouth and when you call her on it she’s not even adult enough to at least say “Okay I can see how that may be hurtful or ignorant.” She just kinda laughs it off. Like, no, its not funny. I shouldn’t have to tell you this shit EVERY time I’m around you. As a human being you should know that some of the crap that falls out of your mouth is hurtful. Period. It’s not rocket science. It doesn’t take a Yale graduate to know you shouldn’t do something like call a 3 year old “fat ass”. I’m so glad that I have two jobs now cause I’d rather work overtime than be around her, honestly. I know that my mom feels she needs to take care of her since my aunt passed, but my grandmother needs to learn how to take care of some of her own business, take advice good people try to give her, think before speaking, and more importantly seek some therapy or pay for mine cause I feel like I need a therapist after every visit with her. She is mentally exhausting.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
Living In The Fast Lane
Let’s stay young forever.
Laughing in the face of death.
Let’s live forever and reckless.
Staring danger in the eye without fear.
Let’s do all the dares never done.
Putting even the fearless to shame.
Let’s live as if tomorrow will never happen.
Living it up in the now.
Let’s show the world what we’re made of.
Forces of nature to be reckoned with.
Let’s feed the world our passion for life.
Gathered at the edge ready to jump into the unknown.
Let’s promise to be young forever.
Forever a fire that will never die.
-Asia Aneka Anderson, Living In The Fast Lane 2015©
Laughing in the face of death.
Let’s live forever and reckless.
Staring danger in the eye without fear.
Let’s do all the dares never done.
Putting even the fearless to shame.
Let’s live as if tomorrow will never happen.
Living it up in the now.
Let’s show the world what we’re made of.
Forces of nature to be reckoned with.
Let’s feed the world our passion for life.
Gathered at the edge ready to jump into the unknown.
Let’s promise to be young forever.
Forever a fire that will never die.
-Asia Aneka Anderson, Living In The Fast Lane 2015©
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