I Want To Feel Beautiful Too

Words of encouragement leave my mouth.
Never coming to mind.
Telling others how beautiful they are.
Their heads held high.
Mine sinks low.
Not feeling those words bounce off them to stick to me.
Fake smile.
Fake pep in my step.
Fake swing to my hips.
I say “Everything’s going to be alright.”
It’s not alright.
I’m not okay.
Everyday I wait for an awakening.
A realization of my own beauty.
Inside and out.
33 years.
402 months.
1,751 weeks.
12,255 days.
17,647,200 minutes.
1,058,832,000 seconds.
I wait.
Waiting to practice what I preach.
Hoping that when I call others beautiful I feel it too.
For now I still wallow in uncertainty.
Will I truly feel beautiful?
Only time will tell.
The clock ticks on.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, I Want To Feel Beautiful Too 2016©

The Winds A Weeping

Even on the saddest day.
Which is the longest day.
The skies could not cry.
The shock left not a tear to shed.
Not even the skies nor I could mourn.
Dry as the desert.
Empty as the clouds.
A soul of excellence among the wind.

- Asia Aneka Anderson, The Winds A Weeping 2016©

The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: When I’m 64 And Beyond

        I think about my future often. I wonder who I’m going to be and where my life will take me when I’m in my old age. These thoughts especially come to me when I’m out, maybe on the bus, and I see older people. I look at them and think ‘Have they accomplished all the wanted to in this life?’ or ‘Do they have any regrets?’. I think when we’re all younger we make these plans and have these visions of how our adult life will be, but to most of us life happens and we get completely knocked off track. Some of us have dreams bigger than Texas that somehow never get off the ground because life has different plans. Sometimes it’s scary to think that I will never live to the potential that I see fit. I want to be that older person who has a story for everything. I want a lifetime full of tales to tell. I don’t want to look back on my life and have a ton of regrets and “what ifs”. I look at older people and for some I get a sense of sadness. ‘Did they even get to do half of the things they wanted to do?’. For instance, my mom talked about, as a kid, she wanted to be a dancer. I wonder if she regrets not dropping everything and taking ballet lessons. She also went to college for a short time to study criminal justice. She’s spent all of her life working at a job that wasn’t her passion. Even once did she think to take a chance to do something that she wanted to do? I look at my passion for writing. Although the passion isn’t as strong as it was when I was younger I couldn’t imagine not doing it at all and not trying to muster some inspiration to create something I’ve always wanted to create and make a living out of it. I often tell myself that I’m going to live a free spirited life, but what exactly does that mean? I have to make a living. I have bills to pay. I have to feed and clothe myself. How amazing it would be to drop everything and go on an adventure, but that’s not how life is. So will I end up being one of those people who will have more regrets than accomplishments well into my old age? Life is too short to not do all the things we’ve ever wanted to do. I truly believe that we all need to do the things that make us happy, and I also know that for some that may be nearly impossible. I’ve gone broke trying to do the things that make me happy. I’ve done things that may seem irresponsible, to others, to be happy, but at the end of the day feeling genuinely happy means more to me than anything. I want to look back on my life and smile at memories and not dwell on what ifs.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2016©

January 4, 2016

"I don't like my present age very much. I'm 33 and nowhere close to where I'd like to be in life. I figured I'd be done with school, have a degree, still living on my own, in a career I love, and making decent money. None of that has happened. I feel like a failure. I shouldn't be in my 30's and struggling like I am. I'd like to be about 23 or 24 and do it all over again. Not sure if I would do everything different or not. I'd like to think I would, but I don't know. I just feel like I wouldn't feel like such a failure if I was still in my 20's."

I’ve battled for years with the idea of making a YouTube Channel. I think I may make one this week. Since I’ve never really made a YouTube video it will be a big newbie experience and it’ll probably make your ears and eyes hurt, but everyone has to start somewhere lol. I got inspired by some of the people I follow on SnapChat. I even dabbled with the idea of just posting videos on my Snap and putting them together to make a video for YT, but I have no idea how to even do that, but I’ll figure it out. Probably the stuff I post will be topics off the top of my head. We shall see.