I’m still processing. I’m still dealing. I’m still going through a
day to day routine as if everything is fine. I don a smile, I pop some
happy pills, I make nice, and I carry on. Inside everything is still and
silent. I keep going because when everything stops I’m reminded that he
is no longer here. It’s been over two months and already business as
usual, but how else are things supposed to be? One still has to make a
living, be social, and take on opportunities. I am still here. My heart
still hurts so much.
Recently I attended a comic
convention in Chicago. It’s the first vacation I’ve had in ages and was
so desperately needed. For that moment in time the sadness had escaped
me. I was able to feel joy for the first time in a long time. I
thoroughly enjoyed myself, but there was a moment, while looking through
my pictures, that I thought to myself “I can hear my dad’s laugh if he
saw these.” The fact that I could clearly hear his laugh let me know
that he did see them and was there enjoying everything with me. While
there I also had a man read my aura. Since my father’s memorial service
that was the first time I had broken down in public. This man let me
know that something very sad happened recently and that I feel like I’m
not a good person, but that I am. That I should stop worrying about it
and truly know that I am good. He also noted that there are many spirits
around me that are pulling for me. He grabbed my hands because he said
they told him I needed it. Again he told me I was good. It reminded me
of a time years ago when I had a car wreck and was going through so much
crap with lawyers, the insurance company, and everything kept falling
through. One day as I was leaving the house my dad said to me “Don’t
worry. Everything will be fine. You’re a good person unlike me” and he
just walked away. I was so shocked and hurt that he said that he wasn’t a
good person. It’s something that always stuck with me. Since my
father’s death that is something I’ve struggled with. I don’t feel like I
was the greatest person to him in the end. I could’ve been better. I
could’ve tried harder. It puts my mind a little at ease that possibly it
was my dad coming through to reassure me that I am a good person and
did the best that I could considering the circumstances. I still don’t
entirely feel like a good person and I don’t know what it will take to
make me feel that deep down, but my mind is slightly at ease.
Still I try to process. I’m still trying to grasp the idea of death of
someone so important to my life. Last year I entered the hospital room
as my aunt took her last breath. I was there when the color left her
body in a matter of seconds. Her toes and fingertips turned white almost
instantly. Her body turned cold just as fast. Even though I was present
for that when it comes to my father I still can’t grasp the idea of
telling a person that you’ll see them later and have them be gone hours
after you leave the house. It seems so foreign. Him not being here is
like someone trying to hold a conversation with me in Korean. I don’t
understand it. Death is the most simple yet most complex thing to exist.
We all know that we’re born, we live, and eventually we die. You can
live for 100 years but once you’re gone all that exists are pictures,
tales, videos, and things. How mind boggling is that? You go from being a
living breathing person to just a memory. As generations go on you go
from being a memory to a story that’s passed down to the next
generation.
My dad was only a month and a half shy of
his 66th birthday. I see that life is too short. You’re here one day and
gone the next. I think about if he got to do all the things he wanted.
I’m a true believer that we go when our time is up, but what happens
when you don’t accomplish all that YOU wanted, but you accomplished
everything that was all apart of the plan? I think about things I’ve
tried to accomplish over and over and now wonder if this is even
supposed to be apart of my life’s journey. For instance I’ve had to drop
out of college more time than I can count for various reasons and what
if that’s not what I’m even supposed to do? Perhaps that was years and
dollars wasted that’s taken away from what my real goal should be? The
question is, what is truly each of our main goals in life if we’re truly
not the ones to call the shots on whether we live or die? All of my
life I envisioned I’d be a best selling author/screenwriter, all of
which has not come to fruition, and it’s all quite possible it may not
even be what I should be doing with my life. I look at my father, a true
artist in his own right, and nothing ever happened with that. Is there a
point where if we deviate from the plan too much this higher being just
gives up? I don’t want this sadness to keep me from pursuing all that I
want to do, but it happens. I want to do things he never got a chance
to so in some way he’s done it, but when life keeps throwing up
roadblock after roadblock it hinders you a bit. I don’t want to be 60
and wonder what could have been. At the same time I’m just trying to
exist in a world where my father doesn’t and taking baby steps just
trying to get my bearing. I can only go through this process, no matter
how long it will definitely be, in order to get to the next phase in
life where I’m ready to conquer all the things I’ve ever wanted in my
name and his. I’m not sure when I’ll get to that phase and that’s what
worries me. For now all I can do is continue to try and make sense of
how the rest of this new life will go. Phase one: Still loading….
-Asia Aneka Anderson, This New Phase Of My Life 2016©