What My Depression Looks Like

You make me unrecognizable.
To myself.
To everyone.
You’ve erased everything I was.
Now you’re all that I am.
For years you’ve forced me to evolve.
Evolve into someone who hates so deeply.
Hates so deeply everything about herself.
You’ve made me dig a hole I’ll never escape.
Such loneliness.
Such nothingness.
The only two feelings on the surface of me.
I’m suffocating.
What you’ve created can’t be undone.
I long for a rewind button.
A way to get back to my normal.
Any way to erase you.
But you’ve become a part of me.
A part that I hate but can’t let go.
Even though you’re toxic to my very being.
There’s something romantic about it all.
Like a long lost lover in a fairy tale.
But this is no fairy tale.
You are no knight in shining armor.
You’re a disease that has consumed me.
You have a hold on me.
Pulling me deeper into an abyss of nothing.
You’ve changed me forever.
Not for the better.
But you’re all that I am.

- Asia Aneka Anderson, What My Depression Looks Like 2016©

Nobody. No One.

I searched the depths of my soul.
To find out who I really am.
Down deep I found nothing.
I am nobody.
I am no one.
No identity to be had.
Master of impersonations.
Trying on others personalities.
Seeing if any taste familiar.
Mimicker of emotions.
Walking in your footsteps.
Trying to be someone.
I am nobody.
I am no one.
Unsure if ever I was someone.
Anyone recognizable.
My very being empty.
Just a shallow shell.
A shell of what should have been.
I long to morph into what I will be.
I want to be somebody.
I am nobody.
I am no one.

- Asia Aneka Anderson, Nobody. No One. 2016©

A Burden No Longer

I know that I am your burden.
I will bother you no longer.
I am sorry I have weighed you down.
The burden you suffocate yet want gone.
You’ll be free of me once my body hits the ground.
Gone in the psychical.
Free in spirit.
A burden no longer.
A memory that will sting only for a moment.
A weight you’ll no longer have to bear.
An embarrassment I’ll no longer have to endure.
I’m sorry I am your burden.
In the end I will be gone.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, A Burden No Longer 2016©

From End To Beginning To End

Stuck in your story.
When can we begin again?
Let’s start from the end.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, From End to Beginning To End 2016©

Going Nowhere

Can I move forward?
I’m stuck in the here and now.
Bumpy road ahead.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, Going Nowhere 2016©

I Can't Live On Your Time

I thrive for your attention.
Waiting days to hear from you.
Those messages far in between make me smile.
I live by your time.
You say I never call.
I call.
You say you need your space.
I give you space.
I’m on your time still.
I hang on your every word.
Although you speak so little.
I go weeks without hearing your voice.
Days without knowing if you’re well.
Afraid to overstep these boundaries you’ve laid.
Am I in love with the man?
Am I in love with the dream?
Your image lives in my imagination.
Your touch.
Your tenderness.
Your strength.
Your passion.
It all comes from within me.
You’re in your world of infinite space from me.
While I create this magic man to sweep me off my feet.
You are not him.
Yet he looks just like you.
He says all the right things.
You say nothing.
He yearns for me as I do him.
This man loves me unconditionally.
The one who is my everything.
He sounds just like you.
Yet he is not you.
The further you pull away my need for him grows weaker.
I want to care so little.
Wipe you away completely.
In the back of my mind there is still a longing.
A desire of his touch.
The need of his loyalty.
A loyalty you could never keep.
Who is the real betrayer?
You or my mind?
I’ve created this masterpiece that doesn’t exist.
This work of art ruined by reality.
The truth that you will never be my dream.
Somehow I still wait on your time.
Pressing the clock to move faster.
Blindly optimistic that you will transform into what my mind created.

- Asia Aneka Anderson, I Can’t Live On Your Time 2016©