I’ve finally started
back going to therapy. It certainly has been a while. Years in fact. I’m hoping
this time I can finally get my life on track and my thoughts clear. My first assignment
was to watch a YouTube video of a speaker named Kristen Neff. She’s speaking
about self-compassion at a Ted Talk. Self-Compassion is something that I’ve
lacked for a very long time. I’m not ever sure when it stopped or if I even had
compassion for myself ever.
I’m often so
hard on myself. My biggest obstacle is feeling like I haven’t accomplished all
the things I feel a 30 something should have. I don’t have a degree. I’m back
living at home. I don’t have a steady “career”, instead I’m stuck in a part
time job. I’m not married nor even in a relationship and haven’t been for years.
I have no children. I have no accolades. I feel like a failure. My
accomplishments seem far and few in between.
Kristen speaks on how we as people always have kind words of
advice to friends but never for ourselves. If I ever heard one of my best
friends say the things I just said about myself I’d actually be pissed that
they even thought that. “Are you kidding me?! You’re great! We all have
setbacks, but you’ll come out on top.” I’ve never received that pep talk from
me. I save it for everyone else. I’m not very kind to myself and I don’t
deserve to feel the way that I do about me. Not only does my daily life stress
me out the way I react to myself stresses me out as well. I’m unsure why this
happens. I’m only human. We make mistakes, fail, fall down, and get embarrassed
but we judge ourselves so harshly. I know that I am my biggest critic. I knock down
everything I try to do. I’ve been trying to write a book/script for several
years, but make no progress, because I think my talent is lacking.
I want to learn
to be more kind to myself. I need to love me. I need to support me. All those
words of advice that I dish out first need to be lived by me. I am not failure,
but I have failed at some things. I need to embrace that and keep going. I need
to strive. Loving myself seems to be the hardest. I see so many broken things
in myself and I’m not sure how to glue together the pieces. This is where my
self-compassion will have to rear it’s head to tell me that it’s okay. It’s all
easier said than done, but I’m worth the love I need to give myself.
-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2017©