Was Eric Dane Speaking to You, too?

         You probably are already aware that actor Eric Dane has passed away from ALS a few days ago. The day after he passed there was an interview that was filmed by Netflix that was Eric's last words. The last words that he had for his daughters hit home for many reasons. The biggest takeaway for me was to live in the moment. He hit the nail on the head that a lot of us keep living in the past and are anxious about the "what ifs" of the future. I'm always envious of those who can be present in the present and nothing else. I've tried my best to do that for my son. To be present for him and with him and to hold on to these moments because he is growing every day. It's still hard to not linger in the past on what mistakes that I may have made in the past that may affect his future, or wonder where the path ahead may lead us. That future is both scary and exciting, but in the end, it is still in the future and should not worry me today. 

          The next biggest takeaway was his advice to fall in love with something, something that will bring you happiness and fulfillment.  Once upon a time, my love was reading and writing. I'd love to go to the library with my parents and check out so many books. Even at a young age my go-to was history and biographies. I loved learning about my history and every iconic and important black person. I thirsted for knowledge. I loved to sit down and write until my hand got tired. I've been writing for as far back as I can remember. My imagination had no limits. I was in love with these two things until about my early 30s, and then there was an abrupt halt. Now my love for reading had dwindled far before that because my passion for writing had become bigger. We'd gone from short stories, poems, and haikus to wanting to write novels and even scripts. I had no time to sit down and indulge in someone else's story. One could say that depression is what killed my urge to write. How can I find love in writing when I don't want to be here in the first place? But because I had that love for so long, I still couldn't live without it, but I couldn't find the headspace, motivation, or creativity to actually do it. I still can't deny that, even though my love for it isn't as strong as it once was, it's still the one thing I feel that I do the best. I can and love to tell a story. I have so many stories that I think so many people would resonate with, and it would be a shame to not get over whatever my past carried and bring those stories to the forefront while I'm still here. Now my love for reading has returned and I've made a goal to read more and more books each year and that is a goal I've been able to accomplish and it has given me small bursts of motivation to continue to create my own. 

        Watching that interview was heartbreaking because, as a daddy's girl, I wonder what my father would have said if he'd been given the opportunity. There are so many conversations we never got to have as two adults, and I hate that. I wonder all the time what he'd have to say about my life right now. It will be 10 years, this year, since he's been gone. The self-loathing part of myself feels like I've done nothing with my life in the past decade. I know that is far from the truth. Since 2016 I have found meaningful love, I've brought life into this world, I have published a book, I have traveled, I've gotten my degree, and a host of other things. I can't say that these are nothing because these are all things that I wish he could have been here to enjoy with me. I have to live in the present and find the things I love because my dad is an example of living in the past and letting it crush you. We never got to have those talks to see if that was the case, but deep down in my gut I feel that it was. I don't think my dad felt like he was good enough. I think he defined himself by his mistakes, rather than seeing himself as a person who made mistakes. I don't want to run in that same path. 

        Overall, the message is that life is short. Use the time you have here to do the things that you love with the people that you love. Take risks and don't drag yourself to the depths of hell for every single mistake that you make. You'll make more as you go. That's what it means to be human. That is how we learn. We should see all the things that life has to offer. We shouldn't burden ourselves with things and people that bring us pain and no growth. Just live your life how you see fit. Be kind to yourself and to others.

        By: Asia Aneka Anderson

Dear Customer: We Should Be Speaking the Same Language

         As you know, working in customer service is the thing of nightmares. It's where humanity goes to die. It's where stupidity gets it's superpowers from. It's where entitlement, no matter the race, class, gender, etc goes and breeds like fucking rabbits.

It's awful, ok??

        As a black woman, one of the things I hate is a black Karen. Hear me out. I know, also, as a black woman, how we go ignored, get no empathy, and are just kind of tossed aside. Whenever I come across a customer who's a black woman, I give undivided attention. That is not saying that I'm not with everyone, but again I know what it's like so I know where they're coming from and I know what is needed to be said/ done in certain situations to let the women, who look like me, know that I am listening and I'm doing everything I can to fix the situation if not make it somewhat better. 

        I say all that to talk about a conversation I had the other day with a customer who was actually kind of an entitled asshole. It was the same ol topic that I get 99 times a day about bills increasing, prices being high, etc etc. The common thing for a customer to say is "My bill keeps going up and I'm never notified." WRONG. It's on your bill beforehand. You just have to read that fucker every once in a while. This woman would not let me talk and pretty much went full on Karen. It pissed me off because black woman to black woman how dare you disrespect me and talk over me when I'm paid to help you. It made me mad because I had so many suggestions to try and help her out to get a decent deal and she shut me down every time I even opened my mouth. "I don't even know why you're talking. I would've gotten a supervisor by now." Kept tooting her horn that she was a dispatcher. I'm not sure who for. Assholes R' Us?? Then to go back and see that the supervisor that she spoke with told her all the things I was going to go over. So she got nothing accomplished, probably no empathy, and still a high bill.  

        Not to go into politics, but I know another reason this call rubbed be the wrong way is with the state of the world now and as the quote from Malcolm X goes "The most un-protected person in America is the black woman. The most neglected person in America is the black woman." I sometimes don't feel the camaraderie and that breaks my heart. If we don't have each other, who will? If we tear down each other, that gives everyone else permission to do so as well. 

        I try not to let calls get to me. Most of the calls are super redundant, but when I have calls like this that escalate for no reason and I'm not even given the respect or space to talk then what was even the reason for you to call? What is the point of you being an asshole to someone who is polite? It takes far less energy to be a nice person. You gain absolutely nothing from being a jerk yet so many people are. Make that make sense to me. 

- Asia Aneka Anderson 

Dear Customer

         So to get myself hype on continuing to write my book about how customers suck I think I'm going to start a writing series called "Dear Customer". The people I talk with daily... Bless their hearts. That's all I can say. The general public is something else to say the least. I'm hoping for little insights to calls to interactions with some of the absolute worst os nuttiest. 

Identity Crisis

         Lately, I've been thinking, and maybe my mom or my 40-year-plus followers can relate, that after a major life change it's hard to get back to who you are... or were. Then there's the question of whether there's an old you that even still exists. I love being a mom and my son is the best thing to happen to me, but as he gets older and becoming his little independent stubborn toddler self, it gives me freedom to reclaim parts of my old self.

..... But who is that?

        It's no secret that we 80s babies are some of the most nostalgic out there. We long for our Saturday morning cartoons, arcades, and a time before, or on the cusp of, social media. I'm not sure if it's because our pop culture was the best (admit that it was) or because it was the last time we felt safe since a lot of us were entering adulthood as shit hit the fan. I graduated in the summer of 2001. We all know what happened that fall and the world changed forever. Hooray, welcome to adulthood!! Here's war, fear, and don't worry, as soon as you try to get on your feet, here's a recession around the corner. You know, to spice shit up a little.  

        I try to think back on the things that brought me some peace and happiness, and I legit can't remember the last time I felt absolute joy and freedom in the hobbies/ activities I loved, and when I do I feel guilty about it. Why guilt? There's a few reasons, actually. One being, some of these memories are attached to people who are no longer in my life. Unfortunately, scrubbing some of these people from my life also wiped away fond memories or tainted those memories with the realization that those people were actually harmful and not interested in being a positive confidant for me. I can think back on seeing some of my favorite bands with my, then, best friend, but I also have to remember how this person, low- key, made me feel like one of her token black friends.

        Another major reason is cancel culture. Excuse me for a moment while I rant. We live in a time where everyone gets canceled for every mistake. Don't get me wrong. People need to be held accountable for things they've done/said wrong. It's the society not giving people space to correct their mistakes and redeem themselves that get me. How can people grow if you still condemn them for things they're trying to correct. I can't imagine being some immature 13 year old tweeting something dumb for likes and retweets only to have someone dig it up 15 years later to end my career. Like what is that? Ok, end of rant. The reason that cancel culture makes me feel guilty is because a lot of the art, music, movies, etc that I (and most likely a lot of other people) enjoyed are by people who society has "canceled". I don't want to hear someone's think piece just because they heard me play Kanye's first album. We can all agree that he's a problematic mess now ( and that's being polite about it), but come on... it's College Dropout Kanye. Let me live. I think back on how I love(d) to listen to music; all genres. I enjoy(ed) concerts, traveling, movies, festivals, etc., and because of the world we live in, now, I feel like I have to reevaluate all of that. My biggest love, as a preteen, was The Beatles. It's been years since I've listened to them because now I have to look at the fact that John Lennon was an abuser. Name any rocker from the 70s and chances are they groomed their fair share of underage groupies. All of these things are terrible and unfortunately a lot of these things were a product of their time and those rockers made some really good music. Even still a lot of the sexual and overall abuse was horrid and it puts the audience in an awkward spot. I can listen to James Brown and know that he did a lot for the civil rights movement and for our people and still at the same time hope that he is in the hot place for the pain he inflicted on Tammi Terrell, let alone all the other women he abused. 

        The final major reason is now the threat of realizing our own mortality. How can you capture the things that made you happy when you were younger, when the artists that you loved growing up are all dropping like flies? We can't even watch a Marvel movie without feeling a tiny pang in your heart whenever Stan Lee does a cameo.. or a recent one and know that there won't be one. There's an extra bit of sadness if you turn on an oldies radio station and Purple Rain starts to play. The social media posts that pop up on the anniversary of Aaliyah's death, Chadwick Boseman's birthday, or where were you when you heard Michael Jackson died are enough to make you realize that some of these people never got to see the age that you are now. It makes you realize that we're all getting older and that life is short, but hell, how do you live out the rest of it now that my youth is gone?

        We go through many life changes. There's our childhood, where many of us felt safe and everything was new and magical. There comes our teenage years, where hormones turn you every which way but loose, you're trying to find out who you are while at the same time facing the anxiety of becoming an adult. Then there's adulthood. Adulthood has many different roads. For most, one of those definite roads leads to working all the fucking time. You add a relationship and kids to the mix, then where does you, the individual, go? Maybe because my son is only 2 1/2 that I don't entirely see the light at the end of the tunnel of getting back to my creative, somewhat carefree self. I feel guilty that I want to go to a concert, when I could use that money on something for him. Or feeling like a jerk because mama would love to go lay on someone's massage table, but my mom already watches him four days a week while we work. I can't possibly ask her to do it for a fifth even though I know she won't mind. He's 2 1/2 and I can count on 1 hand how many date nights my boyfriend and I have had since he's been born. So not only where did I, the individual, go, but where did mt boyfriend and I go as a unit?

        I'm looking forward to the day when I find out who post mom Asia is. I hope she's freer and holds onto her youth while not trying to completely recreate it. I really want to create all sorts of fun adventures not just for me, but for my whole family. I made a promise on the day my son was born that each year we'll travel somewhere. I want him to get a thirst for life early because I didn't get to do that when I was young. I don't want to keep him sheltered like I was. As I feel freer, I want my son to always feel that throughout his entire life. Even though I don't know who I am in this moment I do hope that, as I do for everyone, that I'm ever-changing, ever-learning, ever-growing. 

- Asia Aneka Anderson

The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: Call Me If You Need Me

         That's a phrase we've all muttered before and heard from someone close to us. "Call me if you need me." I've come to realize, as I get older, that this phrase is just said to keep up appearances or something to embellish sympathy. If a loved one of someone close to you dies it's almost second nature to say "Call me if you need me" without holding onto the promise that you'll be available and also with full knowledge that the person you've said this to will feel like too much of a burden to even bother with your request. 

        My son just turned a month old a few days ago. Most days are great and exciting, but when the days are bad they are really bad. What amplifies those bad days are looking at an empty phone and noticing that after about two weeks those "How are you and baby doing?" texts have almost completely stopped, with the exception of my mom. I have to hand it to her that she reaches out every day. It makes me wonder where is everyone else, but then I know that this is also something that is not new. I look back on when I lost my home in Chicago and had to come back to Dayton. Where was everyone? When my dad died my friends were scarce. When I miscarried twice there was nobody there. When I was laid up in a hospital bed for 46 days, waiting for my son to be born, majority of people were nowhere to be found. Now with my son here we are again. People think that a few likes on his pics will suffice or sending a onesie in the mail is enough. No. Where. Are. You? They say it takes a village to raise a child, but what do you do when your village is already small and with that small village I have to be the one who has to keep connections going because if I don't the texts dry up and even then they still do anyways. It's easy for people to say to reach out if I need anything, but unless it's nothing major I'm not going to be that person constantly reaching out because I need 10 minutes to myself or a nap. In the end, just someone's name popping up on my phone with the message "Are you ok?" would be enough, but I can't even get that. 

        I do realize that a lot of this feeling lands on my shoulders. I expect others to see me drowning because, to me, I am visably crashing and burning, while others might think it looks like I have it together. The other is, the main reason adult friendships diminish, which is that life gets in the way. People have to work, have kids or other family they look after, school, errands, etc and sometimes things get thrown to wind especially if they don't see them as important. I do understand these things, but even then all of this, for me, gets thrown out the window when I see that I'm ALWAYS overlooked. It adds extra stress to me because as my maternity leave winds down I know I should get busy on looking for another job or make arrangements with my current one so that I can still be around to watch my son, if my village seems to be a little unreliable. 

        I try by taking parenting classes and reaching out to other moms. Even the other moms that are in my life have almost completely ignored me (one I even told I desperately needed mom friends and I haven't heard back since) which makes me close in on myself when it comes to building friendships with other moms I don't know through these classes. 

       Moral of the story is it doesn't pay to be loyal in friendships that seem to have run their course, and it's ok to admit when some relationships have run their course. It also doesn't benefit growing up as the black sheep and letting that persona bleed over into every other relationship. Just because I'm the black sheep in my family doesn't mean that I have to be that in my friendship circles, but that way of carrying myself followed me everywhere. It became a part of me.

        So I  march on with mommyhood. Still the mpost challenging and rewarding job I've had so far. As soul crushing as it has been, sometimes, I would not change a single thing. 

The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: Not For the Weak

        Here I am a little more than two weeks into motherhood. I had no idea what I was expecting when it came to day to day with a newborn. The only intention I had was to be an understanding mom who practiced gentle parenting in order to raise a compassionate human being, but that's in the future. It's the newborn phase I wasn't prepared for and I am fighting for my life. 

        I didn't expect to feel extreme happiness one minute and extreme sadness the next. There is no in between. I find myself weeping because I can't believe this beautiful sweet little boy came from me and I find myself weeping because I'm so exhausted and frustrated and because of those emotions I dive into the deep end of mom guilt and my mind tries to convince me that I'm a shit mom. From day one when I had a hard time getting him to breastfeed, I felt I obviously had to be the issue because what mom can't breastfeed her baby like nature intended? I must be awful, right? It can't be that hormones threw my body out of whack and both me and baby are new at this. I beat myself up about that a lot in the very beginning. Not only because I felt like it should be natural, or that maybe he didn't want to bond with me, but also because there's so much shaming that goes against moms who formula feed and I desperately did not want to add to that, as if it was something I could control and as if my baby being fed should have been the priority.

        I've cried more in these past two weeks than I ever have in my entire life. I want to sit back and enjoy these moments, but instead I'm becoming detached and annoyed. Baby doesn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve a mom that's frustrated and sad. Most days are good, but it's those few that make me feel horrible. I deal with these days of mostly him and I alone and wonder why I can't be better. Then you add in words from others in my ear who said having kids isn't something I should do. Then I feel lonely and wonder if they were right. I said previously that my pregnancy was a lonely, by being in the hospital for nearly two months, but I had no idea parenthood would be the same if not moreso lonely. 

       You take all of these feelings of feeling like a crap mom and double them by feeling like a horrible partner. I have been in trauma mode since 20 weeks pregnant when I was diagnosed with vasa previa. That was 17 weeks (my c section was at 37 weeks) of knowing that at any point I could lose baby. Intercourse off the table, feeling sexy, or even tending to my partner's needs out the window. Now that the big bump is behind us it's almost like learning each other all over again, but you have this other person that puts a little bit of a stall on that. So what does my mind do? Try to convince me that my partner should go elsewhere. No one wants someone who looks like a slob all day, always sad, and chronically exhausted. Who would roll over in bed and think the former shell of a person they loved is attractive and the one they want. I then let myself get more lonely, more overwhelmed, and angry. 

        I know all this is momentary. This hardship will pass. Some things may be broken. Other bonds may become stronger. All I know is that every time I look in my little boys eyes or hear the little noises he makes my heart swells. All the shit we went through to get him here was a million and one percent worth it. I couldn't ask for anything more and he is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. I can't wait to see his little personality shine through even more because he's got such a big one already. I never thought I'd be a mom, and I'm still determined to be the best one for him. My little man deserves that and nothing, but the best. 

- Asia Aneka Anderson (c) 2022

Mommy's Baby

        I hesitated writing anything. In all honesty, I haven't had much of the motivation to write about this or anything, for that matter. We are now in the final countdown and you'll be with us soon, little man. Less than a month to go. People keep asking me if I'm excited or if I'm ready. I haven't had a way to answer that question. Since your dad and I have gone through two losses I'm just laser-focused on the finish line. Am I excited? Yes. Am I ready? I don't know, but I know that is a typical answer for first-time parents. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to see you through ultrasounds, especially when you FINALLY decided to give a glimpse of your squishy little face. I still giggle when you move around. I just think it is the coolest thing in the world. You kick me and I poke you back and repeat. Just like your mom always wanting to get the last word already. Your dad and I can't wait for the next step in our journey and including you in it. You're the little boy we both wanted. 

        But baby boy, your mama is still scared. Halfway through you growing in my belly we were told that I had a condition that could be fatal for you if you tried to make a surprise early entrance. As much as I wanted you to be born on the grandfather's birthday, that you'll be named after, I still didn't want anything bad to happen to you or lose you. Again even though that has been a constant in the front of my mind I still find ways to block it out and stay focused on poking at you when you kick me and me laughing when you do it back. I sit right now in a hospital room that I have been sitting in for the past three weeks and hopefully will be here for another three more until I get to see your little face. Although I am bored and sometimes sad cause mommy is alone the end goal is all worth it for you, kid. 

        I want to make you all of the promises, but mommy is human. Mommy will make mistakes. I hope in those mistakes that mommy takes the time to correct herself and apologize to you. I hope, by me, you feel encouraged. It means nothing more to me to see you be a kid, gain your independence, to feel free, and to help you reach whatever goals you want and whatever makes you happy. I want you to have the opportunities I didn't in getting to be your natural self and be proud of you. I'm already so proud of you. You have made it this far, you are beating the odds, and you just keep striving. Mommy is so stinking proud of you and you aren't even here yet. I can't wait to teach you things, read to you, play games, teach you how to cook, help you with homework (except math. I'm so sorry, boo, but mommy can't help you with that one, but I got folks that can), and everything else under the sun. The sky is the limit for you and I hope that your dad and I can make it so. For you to have balance and stability means everything to me. You deserve that and more. 

        Baby boy there's a million more things that I can say to you, but, surprisingly, your mommy doesn't have all the words to express it. All I can do right now is enjoy these last few moments where we are right now and bond with you as you roll around in my tummy. I want to take in every single moment of this. It truly went too fast as I'm scared the rest of life will go. Can we both make a promise? Let's both promise that as time goes on and as we both grow older that we will often take time to hold on to moments and not let them pass us by. I hope that I am a good mommy to you and I am forever grateful that you decided to make me your mommy. Your dad and I truly believe that you were the baby that came to us twice before and that just maybe you weren't ready before. We're more than happy that you decided to come back to us and that you did it when you, and frankly, all of us were ready. Get ready to say hello to the world, little man, but please stay in just a little bit longer. The best things take time. We love you, wiggle worm.

A Look Inside My Creative Mind: I'm Published

 

        In my latest video I introduce my first published piece that you can still find here. I'm still really super excited for my book and cannot wait until I can get my next one out there for you guys. I also want to break down other things going on in my life currently. So please, take a look, like, share, and subscribe. I appreciate all of your support. 

I Did It! I'm Published!

         Hello, everyone!

         I finally have my first book published. It is a short story called Last Words. It was a story I wrote shortly after the death of my father in 2016. It's about a girl who is at the funeral of her father and wished that she had the opportunity to have just one last conversation with him. I think that is something that we can all relate to. There's never enough time with our loved ones and we never want to say goodbye in the first place, but when we do it would be comforting to get that one last talk. We hardly ever get that. Some of us are lucky to, but the majority are caught off guard and thrust into a life without that person and left with more questions than answers. 

        I will say that I honestly battled with wanting to publish this story. I thought, for the longest, maybe I'll start off this journey with publishing a poetry book, then on to my novels. I didn't shy away from it because of how close the story is to my heart. I shied away from it because I didn't think anyone would pay money for a short story that's only a few pages and with no major climax. Then recently, while I'm currently carrying my double rainbow baby, I started thinking of the relationship my child will miss out on with their grandfathers (both have passed). Then I thought about how rough these past few years have been. There's probably not a single person on this planet that has not been affected by Covid. Whether, you lost a relative, a friend, a coworker, a classmate, a mentor, etc. Covid has had an impact on us individually. Then I thought about the younger kids, who may have lost a parent, a sibling, or a grandparent. A story like this can help them, or anyone, walk through that grief process. It's a journey we all have to walk and to know that we never walk it alone and we all have similar feelings, even though we process grief differently, it makes it just that tiny bit easier. 

        I hope you pick up a copy and I hope it helps in some way if you are dealing with the loss of a loved one. Just know that person is there with you always. They are a part of you. My dad is a part of me. He always will be. He will be a part of my child. I know he is proud of me and he would enjoy this story very much. It was my way to say goodbye and my last hug to him. I miss him every sing day. 

         Thank you to everyone who has shown me so much love and support. You guys have been amazing and you've made me feel like a professional. You've made me feel like a writer is what I'm supposed to be. It's more than me just wanting this career and wanting this life you made me feel like I deserve it and that I speak to you on another level through my words. I try and more than anything I'm glad that I never stopped. 

        Last Words is available on E-book and in print. Just click the link and it will take you directly to the listing on Amazon. Again, thank you so so much

- Asia Aneka Anderson (c) 2022

Book in Progress

        Last week on Instagram I asked my friends and followers which cover they thought would go well with a girl coping with the loss of her father. It was almost neck and neck with the last 2. Honestly those are the 2 I'm torn between as well. The last one does speak a little more about the topic at hand, but the one with the moon gives me the feeling of death while the last one gives the feeling of family. Depending on your perspective they both work. The last one is winning out, but I'm still weighing pros and cons. Silly me also didn't even think that Amazon would have covers as well. Maybe there I can find something that speaks to both the family and death looming aspect of the story.  Then there's also finding the small print on how to give credit to the person whose artwork it is whether I use Amazon's creation or one of these I've edited on Canva. The search continues...

The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: Born or Made Leader

        Here we are in another year and in another job that I'm rapidly starting to despise. I hate it here. I started this job in January of 2020 after leaving a retail pharmacy job. Shortly after finishing training the world exploded. The beginning wasn't so bad. I enjoyed the fact that I genuinely enjoyed the company of everyone in my training class. I haven't felt closeness like that in a job setting for more than 10 years. Getting paid more than my previous job and better insurance didn't hurt either, but after close to a year things started to shift. The workload started to get much more than the compensation was worth. We're talking about doing tasks, that any normal job, you'd most likely need a degree or, at least, a certificate for. Then there came the feeling that is my crux at any job I've ever had, which is running into issues that I can fully see, but not be able to do anything about. I can't stand it, even though that is life. I listen to people all the time who talk about how they hate working with our company and all I can do is shrug and apologize because there's not much else I can do. I watch our company cut corners and jobs to save a buck and that's the issue that's getting worse as time goes on. Leaving my coworkers and I wondering if our jobs will be outsourced since new micromanaging policies seem to leave us stuck in a corner staring at possibly firing or pushed to just quit. I will say that I that this job for being just what I needed as Covid took over the world, because at my previous job this pandemic would have put me in a very vulnerable spot. 

        But this post isn't about my shitty jobs, which I seem to be good at picking. No, this post is about something I just realized about myself recently. That discovery is that I flourish in leadership roles. I was never meant to be in a position where I'm at the bottom of the food chain. The reason I've never realized that and, a lot of times, backed away from the kind of role is because I've been told all of my life that I am a follower. I remember being told that from a very young age by my parents and I believed it. So I stayed in the shadows and followed rules and was comfortable there. It wasn't until I was promoted with the job that I had last year that I thought it was even something that I could do. I enjoyed being a supervisor and advocating for my coworkers the best I could. I pay close attention to detail and have a strong mind for equality and justice. I know those last two have no room in a capitalistic world, but that doesn't stop me from trying. To add to that, as I was finishing up my final semesters at school I had several of my professors tell me that I'd be a great teacher. Being a teacher isn't something I've thought about since I was a kid and people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up. That isn't necessarily a leadership role, but it does give me a platform and a role to make a difference and that is also something I seek out of life. 

        I am a creator. Creators are leaders. I hate that I allowed myself to be watered down instead of nurtured into being a person who could create paths versus walk down someone else's. I'm already powerful in my words and strong in my influence. The only next step is to have that all backed by confidence. In recent weeks I've been thinking strongly about going back to school and continuing with my creative writing degree and adding education or lit into the mix. It would be an honor to help people pave their own path. I don't care if that's in a management role, a teacher role, or a businesswoman role, but that's where my heart is and has been all this time.

        So excuse me while I try to figure out this next chapter in my journey. The next level of bettering myself and my future. It's never too late to discover new things about yourself. Most importantly it's never too late to tell yourself that you don't have to be in a spot forever. I know we all have bills and other responsibilities, but that doesn't mean that you have to sacrifice happiness and growth. Never do that. I never will. 

-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2021(c)

The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: Even the Quiet Girl Did It

         I write this as I scroll through my secret second Twitter account deleting all of my tweets and RTs advertising promos and enticing men and women alike to check out the content that I had to offer. I present my 40I tits and ass shots from flattering angles. Seems like forever ago when I was in the thick of it, but then again 2020 had a way of making four months feel like four score and seven years ago.

        First things first. I honestly joined OnlyFans because someone close to me had joined and it triggered my competitive side. I thought to myself "I can do that and get more subscribers than you", and you know what? I totally did. Once that feeling was fulfilled I stayed because there was an overwhelming feeling of empowerment. I felt that to be a bit strange because I'm so uncomfortable in my body and have horrible body image issues, but somehow taking these pictures and posting them for others to see made me feel beautiful and in total control of my body. To also get that validation from others felt great as well. It did boost the ego. I also felt like OnlyFans opened up a new level of intimacy between me and my man, allowing me to feel a little more comfortable with my sexual side which was something that was (and still slightly is) troublesome before.

        Once I got started I had my separate social media accounts set up that would be dedicated to advertising what subscribers would get for subscribing to my account. One of the first things I remember after getting everything set up is seeing a woman I followed on Twitter tweet out tips to newcomers and the one tip that stood out to me was that, to be successful on Onlyfans and to make an incredible amount of money you would have to dedicate up to 12 hours a day to posting, advertising, sexting, live chats, etc. I looked at my boyfriend and we laughed, "Yeah right". People have jobs, families, and, even though we were in the thick of a pandemic, still had other responsibilities to tend to. No one has that kind of time, nor does it take 12 hours to dedicate to this a day. I was wrong. So wrong. One of the very reasons that caused me to throw my hands up with OnlyFans is that it's actually exhausting. You wouldn't think that it would be, but it very well can be. You take a few days in the week to take a ton of pics and/or videos so that you have enough material to post through the next week or two. You have to edit said pics so that you only post the teasers to social media and critically edit for sites like IG who goes into a panic if a woman shows a shoulder let alone cleavage. You spend your days RTing follow for follow threads on Twitter, and helping out together creators whilst trying to grab the attention of their fans as well. You spend an enormous amount of time on Reddit posting in different subreddits while also upvoting other creators who are promoting too that you've formed an alliance with. Then you have to sweet-talk your way around men whose main goal is to try and dehumanize you, and even worse, try to get things for free. The reason you let them down gently is that some you can smooth talk into subscribing once they realize their ploy to get free content has failed. To do all of this and more plus working a full-time job was a lot. So I believe it to be true that to be ultimately successful on OnlyFans to where you're making hundreds or more dollars a week you do have to dedicate at least eight hours a day to it if not more. The promoting alone takes up most of that time. 

        One of the pieces that I really enjoyed about OnlyFans was to help empower other people. I saw that we were all trying to make it and everyone had their own spin on what they wanted to do, whether it was couples, erotic cosplay, BDSM, etc. It was a judgment-free zone and there was no competition between anyone. I spent my time trying to mostly help the people who I knew were not the main demographic of the consumers of OnlyFans, and that was people of color, men, and trans individuals. That's not to say that us people that fit this description didn't make any money or didn't grab people's attention, it's just that it was in fact a little bit harder.

        The big downside to OnlyFans, and I'm sure some will disagree, is that it's not really built for women of color. While advertising on Reddit I did join a private group that consisted of only black women and what we would do is help promo each other. We all had the same difficulties of not getting as many subscribers despite the amount we were posting, some of the disgusting comments we would get regarding "race play" (race play is sort of like role play, but obviously based on race. I never participated in it so I'm not sure what scenarios white men had in mind when they suggested it, but I know that it couldn't have been good), and also being banned from certain subreddits for posting certain content although there were white women in these same threads who posted content that was the exact same. So again it wasn't as though we weren't gaining subscribers, but we did have to work extra hard to get a little bit.

        I'll let you in on a dirty secret. When it came to setting up this content I purposefully went after men in my past that had crushes on me, men on my social media accounts that had crushes on me, and exes. This actually worked most of the time. I knew it wouldn't be hard to grab the attention of guys I knew in high school because back in those days I was very quiet and shy while my body suggested otherwise. In high school I had already surpassed DDs and the boys definitely noticed. So I knew many were waiting for fo the chance to get a glimpse and I totally took advantage of that opportunity. The quiet girl from your past showing off her goods. There was no way they could pass that up.

        My main reason for making this post is to let everyone know that sex work is work. People like to clown others that do OnlyFans while at the same time jerk off to some of these same people on PornHub. Sex sells. Let's stop pretending that it doesn't. You don't want to pay for it? That's fine. I don't blame you since there is so much out there that is free but at the end of the day the people in the OnlyFans community put in a lot of work. The girl you throw singles at in the strip club puts in a lot of work. So on and so forth. If there wasn't a demand for sex or the illusion of sex it wouldn't exist. 

        So as I delete my tweets and my posts on Reddit, a part of me is still hanging on. I had so many ideas. I really wanted to go down the route of cosplaying before I got totally burnt out. So instead of closing these accounts entirely, I will leave them there with the hope of maybe one day I can use them to combine my sexy with my creativity. That day may come or these accounts might stay empty. I hope I'll come back to it, because, guys, I really spent a lot on lingerie and costumes. I thought I was about to do my thing and I just couldn't hang anymore. If all else fails I can always use these costumes for my guy. Right now he's my only fan and I'm more than pleased with that. 

- Asia Aneka Anderson, 2021 (c)

The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: The Kid Needs A Break

         I had thought about making a video on my channel for this topic, but I decided to make this post while the idea was fresh on my mind. 

       About a week ago I saw a post on Facebook in a group that I'm in that deals with black women and how they handle mental illness. This mother wrote how her teenage daughter was being challenging as of late and that she was on the verge of canceling Christmas. My shock was seeing all the other women encouraging her to not get anything for her child, when I've seen many of these member's detail the hardships they had growing up with their parents not seeing them as their own person and how a child should be able to express themselves and that children can get stressed, etc. Don't get me wrong, if you have a kid that is continually disrespectful towards their parents, that's a different story and sometimes you have to take whatever punishment you see fit. When you have a kid whose attitude is out of the ordinary it makes sense to try and have a one on one with them to find the root cause. I know that trying to get a teenager to open up is like pulling teeth, but they at least deserve the opportunity to open up.

        I know that it's easier said than done and that for me it's easy to say these things because I don't have a child. I understand how challenging it can be, especially when dealing with a teenager. I still believe that parents lose sight that children go through moods and emotions like adults do. Imagine being a teenager in 2020. You can't see your friends, your education is iffy, there's no dating, and now you're primarily in the house. 2020 is hard on us as adults and I couldn't even imagine being 15 and wanting to talk to your friends in the cafeteria, or see your crush in algebra, or missing school dances and events. Everyone's lives have turned upside down and our kids don't know how to express it and even prior to covid parents rarely gave their children the opportunity to be open and honest or make mistakes, have moods, have space, etc. Even without a pandemic the thought of treating children as property or servants always irked me. The idea of hounding a kid to do certain chores and not even realizing that child may be going through something like overwhelmed with homework, a fight with a friend, or they're heartbroken, and here we are hounding them for something that can be done the next day. Teaching a child responsibility is important, and so is structure, but allow them to decompress every once in a while. Allow them to be.

        Overall, don't take Christmas away from kids this year, of all years. They deserve some type of normalcy in 2020. That's if you're able to. I know a lot of families have had their livelihoods taken away because of covid, but still let them hold on to that Christmas spirit. It also doesn't hurt to really sit down and have conversations with your kids. Don't allow your kids to be like so many of us were growing up, feeling like it was us against the world or being told that we didn't have anything to stress about as if work and bills are the only things that bring stress. I know that this post has been mostly about teens, but this goes for all kids. Toddlers can be stressed because they don't know how to tell you what's wrong and are still figuring things out. Kids in elementary school can be stressed because of trying to figure out friendships and schooling. That doesn't even factor in the kids who are going through a parent's divorce, the death of a loved one, verbal/physical abuse, disease, homelessness, etc. They are people who go through all the range of emotions as well and we as adults should be the ones to guide them through that in a healthy manner that doesn't always lead to punishment.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2020(c)

Tragic Best Friend Tales #5

         I reeeallly haven't done one of these in a while. I even contemplated whether or not to do this one. I decided to give the green light because, ultimately, this is how I process things, work through them, and eventually (hopefully) let go.

        Friend P I've known for, sheesh, close to 15 years or so. We have very much had our ups and downs over the years, but always manage to come back together in the end. That's just how our friendship works. There were times where we'd fall out and once we'd come back together I'd think to myself "Shouldn't we have a conversation about that?", but we'd never have a conversation and we'd move one like nothing had happened or under the notion that our friendship didn't need all that spelling out of a situation. We were good. Underneath it all, I know it's because neither of us likes confrontation and that more so, on my end, I know how sensitive she can be and I never wanted whatever I said to come out too harsh and end up hurting her. I love her. She's my best friend. So, I'd go along with not talking it out or talking it out in passing or just the surface and all would be well. 

          Our friendship fell out over everything from guys, to me moving to Chicago, to flakiness, to just overall growing apart. Even though all that we've stuck by each other through everything. P was one of the only people I could talk to about certain things that I was embarrassed to talk through with other people. She got a side of me that no one else got because of the simple fact that I knew that she would get what I was going through. We bonded over our families, with both of us having overbearing mothers and we both did the best we could to try and walk each other through those parental incidents, or at the very least find the humor in it enough for us to not feel defeated by it anymore. We knew that at least in that sense neither of us were alone. 

        This year everything is different. To blame Covid or to not blame Covid. I don't know. 2020 kind of turned us all upside down. I'm not sure if the uncertainty of this year made the friendships hard or if being apart brought things to light or maybe even a little bit of both. On my end, the hurt came from around the time of the murder of George Floyd. There was something about his death that left me depressed. Legit depressed. Be it the normal feeling of not knowing what to do when police brutality happens or the feeling of being stuck because we're in the middle of quarantine when this happened so now I'm really stuck in a state of not knowing what to do. His death left me in tears for days and then piled on the anger of seeing friends and co-workers silent. How can my white friends sit there and not say anything? I didn't get it. How can my job sit there and not say anything when you have a workplace that is primarily black? At that moment I put my foot down. I made it clear that I couldn't take the silence anymore. Unfortunately, P was one of the silent ones and it hurt my heart. It really did. With racism at an all-time high I needed more from allies than a black square. Our pain deserved more than that. It made me reflect on the times in our past that had racial undertones that I overlooked or saw as no big deal because that was my friend. I remember years ago of her crying on my shoulder about a boyfriend that was, pretty much, if not totally, a skinhead. I gave her the advice any friend would, but I always wondered why she would cry to her black friend about a guy who openly called a mixed friend of hers a "nigger". I look at most recently, a year ago, of her wanting to come work with her all the while having a coworker who was openly racist and a manager that did not want to fire her. I looked at it that my friend was trying to get me out of a position that I hated, but at the same time why set me up like that when you know I'll definitely not tolerate that? And why not go above your boss's head and report it? All of this put me into my thoughts of thinking "Does this woman really have my back as an ally or just as an almost acquaintance like friendship?" It hurt my heart to have to think to myself that maybe she doesn't. I still went through that it was the pressure of this year and being in quarantine that was making this feeling much stronger than it normally would have been pre-covid. Again, with us not liking confrontation I thought over and over in my head how do I start a conversation or how I should move past it or do I open up the dialog or wait until the opportunity presented itself. I did the latter. She once texted me to see if my job was hiring and how it was going. I told her my thoughts on my new job. Not bad, but pay not enough for what we do, and that their response on race relations really fell short. Silence. Our conversation was back and forth until I brought that up and I never got a response back from her. That really hurt. It almost said to me as if my concern about it was annoying or not worthy of a response. I didn't even know where to go at that point. Now I'm just included in mass texts for holidays, but a no thought when I respond back. I feel as though I'm a non-factor or not worth the recognition after a decade-plus friendship.

        A part of me would also notice things I'd be left out of and I overlooked it as it's something that maybe was only between her and her coworkers, but then there'd be all these pics on social media of her "and her girls" and it would often make me wonder where I fit it. Eventually, I started to just feel like the venting friend. The one you'd vent to, but not the one that was presentable enough to want around for a girl's night out. Don't get me wrong. To be that person to someone where they can be raw with you and show you their bare self is something special, but sometimes it would be nice to be around for the fun times too, not just around when you need a cry. I felt like maybe I wasn't good enough to be around these other people. It was a sucky feeling.

        I won't sit here and pretend that I'm the best friend in the world. If you look at my last TBFT you will see that is not the case. For P, I wasn't in her wedding. That wasn't her call. That was mine. I was gung ho about it until I found out the wedding was the weekend of my birthday and an evening wedding to boot. I was set to make a trip that weekend to Chicago and to take a bus in the middle of the night on a Friday, after the wedding or that Saturday morning would've caused a domino effect for the events I had planned on getting into. I chose me. My birthday plans fell through and I still went to the wedding, but not as a bridesmaid. I'm sad I didn't get to be a part of that for her. I have no regrets about anything in life, but I do wish that had gone differently. Part of me still feels like she's still upset about that and maybe wants to sever our friendship. That I can never be certain on, but it's a feeling that I have and it would be valid on her part.

        The most hurtful is that I did/do consider her son my nephew. I love that kid to bits. I'm hurt that she's about to have a little girl, and she didn't even tell me. I found out with the rest of social media. I never got a happy birthday even when she and I have a running joke on our birthdays. I'm trying to figure out navigating life without this person who was a huge part and without her child I'd grown fond of and of a child I may never meet. She was a big enough part of my life that if my boyfriend had ever wanted to propose to me she'd be one of the people he'd have to get a blessing from. 

        As I've said in other TBFT's these stories aren't all bad. I don't always focus on the negative and see that person as the enemy. These people in our lives we take with us, the good and the bad. For P I will never forget how she was there for me after my miscarriage. No one was there for me around that time like she was. She was there for me when my relationship was falling apart. I have never been able to confide in anyone like I have with her. I have many an inside joke that I'll never forget because of her. Red trucks, the best road trips, fighting in bowling alleys, and not being able to eat pizza without pineapple. That will always be a part of our friendship story. 

- Asia Aneka Anderson, 2020(c)        

         I have done a horrible horrible job of keeping up with this blog. 2020 has had a way with making me completely bored and feeling like I have no time to do anything, all at the same time. I've spent the last several months working on my novel, which I have finished, but was also working on increasing my word count until I got word that my novel was not picked for a competition that would have given me an agent and possibly have my work published. So I just kind of eased up on the editing, for now. I'll get back to it eventually and work on the process of finding my own agent and publishing company or possibly even just self publishing. I have a few pieces I'm working on right now that I hope to get posted here in the new few days. I hope you guys have had a pretty decent year and that the rest of the year goes smoothly. 

        So guys, she's almost done! The deadline for me to submit just the first 30 pages of my novel is only a few days away. If you check my last video on my channel you'll see me talking about getting a novel finished for Graydon House Books who is looking for black writers. I have spent the last month or two writing and I'm almost done! Even though the deadline is only 4 days away I will still submit unfinished (if I'm not able to finish in the next 4 days) because they only requested people enter the first 30 pages. So far I have 17 chapters done so I think I'm in the clear lol. I know how it will end and I only hope to have 2 more chapters to do. This is my query letter and I'm excited and nervous and everything in between. I can't wait to see what happens and I can't wait to move on to the next one. Tell me what you think of the query letter. I shaved it down a lot so that it's only one page. Wish me luck!

A Look Inside My Creative Mind: Work in Progress

 

       

        My latest video is finally up. I'm discussing the current novel I'm working on that I hope to have a first draft of done by the end of August or early September. I also thought I'd give a little synopsis of what the novel is about. Thank you all so much for your support. You don't know how much it means to me. Give a like, follow, subscribe, or comment :)

        Hey, everyone. I know it's been a minute, but the good new is that the motivation bug has hit me. I've been working on my novel and have knocked out four chapters in the past few weeks, which brings me up to chapter either (I did the first three chapters during a novel writing class when I started back to school this year).
        I'm so incredibly excited and so very proud of myself. My goal is to have this done by a deadline for a publishing company in September*. I don't see this novel going more that 14-15 chapters so I'm very excited to be close to the end. I can't wait to share this with the world. I have been on and off working on this novel (among others) since about 2011. It's been a long road and I'm happy to see a clear path ahead of me. I have three other novels that's been sitting idle and unfinished for years as well as poetry and a few short stories that I'd like to all get out there eventually. I hope this is an amazing start to a career I've dreamed of since I was a little girl. A best selling author is the goal and a best selling author I will be.


* Black writers there are a few publishing houses that are looking for black writers and accepting submissions. Deadlines are end of August-early September depending on which one you'd like to submit to. Take a look and get your work out there https://www.bookclubbish.com/call-for-black-authors/?doing_wp_cron=1595476505.8979399204254150390625

The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: I Am He and He is Me

         It's that time of year again. That time that I dread. Every June 17th since 2016 I'm forced to relive the day that changed my life forever. The day I lost my dad. I'll never get over the universe's sick joke of taking him two days before Father's Day. Every year I get gut punched twice. "Hello, Asia here's the day your father died. Oh, and here's the day set aside to celebrate him." Thanks, universe! Thank you so much for that precious memory.
       This year it feels slightly heightened with everything that's happening in the world. Thinking of George Floyd's daughter spending her first father's day without one. Knowing that Rayshard Brooks' daughters are about to feel the same as I do. I wonder if they were daddy's girls like me. That's the hardest. I crumbled at the age of 33 losing mine. I couldn't imagine him being ripped from me before even reaching high school age. That's why this year it hits different.
        My dad was the one who tried to educate me about the injustices we face. I heard, but never listened. I was a kid. None of that had to do with me. That was all in the past, right? That's what naive innocent me thought. My dad knew better and he made sure I knew better. Like him I use my voice. I speak out and I stand up. In that he lives in me. He stood up for what he believed in. He said it with heart and he said it with force. I try to channel that in when I speak. The strength to fight for what's right.
        My father taught me about my ancestors. That started my love for autobiographies and history books. While every other kid wanted to read ghost stories or fiction I was in the library every week picking out books of black icons from Ida B. Wells to Marian Anderson to Jackie Robinson. I was forever learning. That thirst for knowledge didn't come from school. That came from William Anderson.
        He is the first black man I have ever loved and he was a great example of a caring, creative, knowledgeable, strong individual. I happy to be a part of him. I am more than happy to carry on his voice. I will be elated the day that I can have a child and pass on everything he ever was and everything that I am to the next generation of Andersons'. That would be my greatest honor.
         Still every June 17th I hurt and shut down. I still find myself trying to make sense of something that is and will always be a part of life. Still... Still I can't help but ask why. Four year later I still grieve. Time does heal some wounds but never all. I wish he could've made it this year to see me graduate. I wish he had made it to 2018 to know that there was a possibility that he'd be a grandfather. All of these milestones and the ones to come have an empty spot there. I know he's there for all those moments. I know that the grandchild that almost was is there with him now. The could've, should've, would'ves are all empty because that's not how life was supposed to go, unfortunately. No matter the hurt this is what the universe had planned. It's awful and it sucks, but this is what it is. That's the way life is. I'm thankful to have had him as long as I did.
         My father is gone, but never ever forgotten. I am he.

- Asia Aneka Anderson, 2020(c)

A Look Inside My Creative Mind: No Longer A Token

        **LATE POST** This is my most recent and latest video. I'm discussing the friendships I've kept in my past where more often than not I ended up being the token black friend. I'm making boundaries in my life and putting my foot down as far as letting macro and micro aggressions go unchecked in my life. I have to hold the people in my life accountable, and most importantly, myself.