Tragic Best Friend Tales #4

        In light of a few things going on in my life dealing with relationships I figured I do one of these since its been a while.
        I want to talk about friend G. Unlike my other tales this is about me. No need to freak out and think “Oh God what kind of story is she conjuring up for me.” Just relax. G was, has, and is an amazing friend. We have the type of friendship where we don’t need to talk all of the time, but we’re always there for each other. Correction: She’s mostly there for me. Myself for her could use some work.
        We’ve known each other at least 20+ years and in all of those years I don’t think I’ve been a good enough friend to her. None of that was intentional, of course, but somehow that would always be the outcome. One of the first instances that I knew I hurt her was the year I graduated high school. I was a year before her and I remember her wanting to come to the graduation, but all my tickets went to family members. Actually I was pissed because an aunt bowed out last minute because of a disagreement with another family member. That was a ticket that could’ve been hers. What happened next was totally my fault. I had a small graduation party a few days later. Nothing special. It was only family and one close friend. I didn’t invite anyone else. I didn’t see it as a big deal, but I ran into a teacher of ours a few weeks later and she expressed to me how hurt G was about that. I felt terrible, but not terrible enough that it didn’t keep happening.
        This is the mistake I keep making and my poor reasoning or attempt to understand and explain why this keeps happening. I constantly put people above her who are not as loyal a friend as her. G’s friendship has never wavered with me. The friend I invited to the party instead of her is actually S from my second Tragic Best Friend Tales. A girl, who when I finally got tired of her lies and manipulation, called me a “nigger” cause I refused to fall her bullshit again. Why did I put S over G? There is no one thing I can pinpoint. S was a little more rough around the edges. She challenged authority, had no issues about being the loudmouth and different. I convinced myself that I had more in common with her than anyone therefore I valued her friendship more. My lousy excuse as to why this happens? I’m not sure if it’s because I’m older than G or that she seemed to be the closest thing to pure that I know, but I felt like I should’ve been an example for her and I wasn’t. I’m not sure why that’s my logic, but it is what it is.
         I reflect on my friendship with her and how I’ve treated her as I deal with more recent relationships where I’ve made myself vulnerable around these friends only to not feel that friendship not reciprocated. I can look at these friends and remember being there for them through break ups, late night calls, encouraging them, being with them through big moments in their lives, etc. I take to heart the times people are there for me through darker times not the happy moments (although you obviously want friends there through the good times as well). When look at my most recent dark moments these people weren’t there. When I lost my home and everything I had these friends hype me up as if I had a support system, but when it came down to it, I was alone. G didn’t even know the depth of it because I never told her. I felt that if I told her I’d feel even more like a failure, again because I felt like I looked like someone who should’ve had her shit together and I don’t. So she had no idea the emotional roller coaster I was going through. When I lost my father these other friends I heard very little from if at all, nor did they visit me or attend the funeral yet even though G lives out of state now, she sent me a long handwritten letter to show how much she cared. When it came to these friends if there were times I couldn’t be there for them or chose something else I got shunned, talked about, and given the cold shoulder even though when I was going through the roughest times in my life (ESPECIALLY the death of my dad) I still had the time to makes excuses for their absence.
        I don’t deserve G. I truly don’t. I’ve had many friends where we’ve had falling outs, but never with her. I’ve never in my life felt wronged by her, yet I’ve not been the best friend that I could be. There’s lots of traumatic things that I never even knew she went through until she expressed it in her writing and I felt terrible. Why wouldn’t she confide in me? Then I’d have to remind myself, “why would she?” I wouldn’t if I was her. I really wouldn’t. I make this my vow to be a better friend to G. It’s what she deserves.

- Asia Aneka Anderson

No comments:

Post a Comment