I don’t know why I find it so hard to write. This once was my only
love. I could sit down and write an entire story in a matter of hours.
The words would flow so perfectly and easily. I was so confident in my
ability to tell a story. It didn’t matter how serious or silly the
subject. It all came so easy. I felt like I was a natural. No, my
grammar is not perfect and in a rush my spelling would surely be off
too, but none of that mattered to be because I WAS a natural. Now when I
write it’s like learning a new language. You retain the basics, but you
can’t fully grasp the entire understanding of whatever the hell it is
you’re talking about. I’m easily distracted. I all too easily doubt
myself. It’s very crippling. Losing motivation in the thing I loved most
is like not being able to breathe. I haven’t been able to breathe for a
long time. At times I can catch my breath and everything seems fine and
brand new then all of a sudden something knocks the wind out of me
again. I once read a quote that said something to the effect that “I’ve
fallen in love with depression”. I in fact have. It gives me every
excuse in the world. Can’t write? I’m depressed. No motivation? I’m
depression. It’s my scapegoat. It’s also my hindrance. As easy as it is
to say that my lack of motivation stems from depression, it’s so hard to
burst through that wall to knock this demon on its ass. Hiding behind
this wall of mental illness is easy until you realize that there’s no
way around, above, or under that wall. You just sit there, stare, and
wonder how you got trapped in the first place and how long have you been
cowering behind this wall. I’m so so tired of being trapped, but I know
nothing different. I so much so want to be a best selling author. I
want that more than anything. I want my words to help people. I have so
many stories that I know for a fact would reach and touch so many, but I
can’t get past myself. I am forever standing in my own way. The fear
and the doubt has left me without passion. I write little posts like
this in hopes to get me motivated and to give me a little push, and
above all else, to get to the nitty gritty of what I’m feeling, but it
hardly ever goes beyond that. How do I get back to what I love? I need
to find a way to stop me from stopping me. That’s the only thing between
me and creativity. I guess, I’ll have to remind myself that there’s
always baby steps. To not beat myself up over the big picture and
instead celebrate my small victories. It’s easier said than done. I’ve
been beating myself up for so long that it’s hard to remember what a
self pat on the back feels like. I’ll get there. I will definitely get
there.
-Asia Aneka Anderson