"Dear Daddy" Asia Aneka Anderson, June 17, 2016(c)
*My father passed away on Friday. Two days later I have to spend a Father's day without him. My soul is forever crushed. I wrote this Friday night. Happy Father's Day, daddy. I love you and miss you more than you'll ever know.*

I'm Lost.

        My father just died. It feels weird to say it. I’ve had many nightmares like this, but none that could prepare me for the real thing. I have no idea what to say. I have no idea what to do. I just keep going back to when I last saw him. He walked me to the door as I left for work and hugged me as he always does and said “Be careful.” I was in such a hurry and my hands were full so I didn’t get to hug him back, only press my head against his chest. Did I even say “goodbye” or “I love you”? Not even three hours later he was gone. How is that even possible? I can’t wrap my head around it. 
        As I’ve written about before, my father has been sick for a long time. Everyone knew this time was coming, but still it doesn’t prepare you. Nothing in life can prepare you for this. I’ve gone through every emotion possible in 10 hours and I know I go through many more in the upcoming hours, days, weeks, months, and years. Mostly I feel numb. The crying has not stopped, but still I’m just numb. I don’t know when it will finally hit me that he’s gone, but it’s a feeling I do not anticipate. I do not want to go through that experience. I know there will come a day I’ll leave the house and wait for him to hug me goodbye, and turn around to realize that he’s not there.
        I keep playing in my head that I didn’t tell him I loved him enough. This is something I know I can’t dwell on forever because it doesn’t change anything, but I know that I will. I know that I will guilt myself for it. I take small comfort that I at least hugged him last time I saw him. I take comfort that he went peaceful. I take comfort that he is no longer in pain. I know I will not take comfort in the things I never got a chance to say. Words he’ll never hear. I can only hope that he knew I loved him as I know he loved me.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2016©

Dear Daddy

Dear daddy, I don’t know what to say.
I don’t know how life will feel without you.
It’s hard to know you’ll only be a memory.
Memories that I will carry forever.
I’ll never forget fishing trips and days in the park.
I’ll never forget the ways you always encouraged me.
Every big step I took in life you gave me that push.
Always telling me I could do it.
Daddy, you instilled so much in me.
You gave me your courage, knowledge, and creativity.
Traits that I never hope to lose.
That way you will never leave me.
Daddy, you were my real life superhero.
No cape needed for the feats you took on.
Not everyday was sunshine and rainbows.
But everyday was one more with you.
Every little girls father is her first love.
You showed me what a man was supposed to be.
I can only imagine I’m only single now for that very reason.
How can one settle for less after the example you set?
Anything other than your example is certainly less.
Daddy, I wish you didn’t have to go.
We needed more time.
There’s never enough time.
So many things unsaid.
So many words we can’t take back.
So many hugs that never were.
I hope you knew I loved you.
It wasn’t said enough.
Daddy, I don’t have the words to truly say how I feel.
I’m so lost.
And numb.
Mostly numb.
The only words where I can find for comfort is, “I love you.”
The love this daughter has for her father will never die.
Dear daddy, I’ll tell you again and I hope you will hear.
I love you.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, Dear Daddy 2016©

Just Because The Year Is Halfway Over Doesn’t Mean New Goals Can’t Be Made

For the last few years I stopped making New Years resolutions and just narrowed it down to making my goal trying to be truly happy. No goal body weight, travel plans, quest for love, blah blah blah. I did declare that 2016 will be a good year after the horrible past few years I’ve had. I deserve a teeny tiny bit of good. Although we’re barely six months in and 2016 has been a struggle worldwide. We’ve already lost tons of legends, mass shootings and nonsense killings, and let’s not forget this circus of an election. So dammit, let me set some goals that I need to carry out through the rest of  2016. These will be my little rays of sunshine to making the rest of this year a worthwhile one.
1. To finally get this promotion and transfer that I’ve been promised for almost months now. It was a promotion I almost didn’t agree to at first, honestly. I felt this strange need to stick with my current store and be loyal to a place who has done nothing but waste my abilities, dedication, and determination. Other managers in other stores saw all those qualities, appreciated it, and wanted me a part of their teams. It’s a much needed and deserved move. Once my current manager stops cock blocking me this move will become a reality and as soon as next week.
2. To go to and have an amazing time at Wizard World Chicago. I already have my ticket, but anyone who knows me knows that when a concert, convention, or anything dealing with people I admire I do the absolute most. I don’t care about staying in a great hotel when I get to Chicago, but what I DO care about is hoping I have the funds to get a photo with Sebastian Stan and Norman Reedus. That’s where goal #1 comes into play and I need my boss to stop fucking around. I haven’t had a trip in forever and I need this so much.
3. This year I need to sit back and let love find me. I keep looking and sooner or later I’m disappointed by what I find. I find liars, cheats, manipulators, and overall just dishonest BOYS who take no responsibilities for their actions. If when the ball drops on the last night of this year I’m alone I’ll be okay because I refuse to keep settling. I refuse to see what’s going on in front of me and sticking it out a little bit longer hoping for the best when I know deep down there is no best to come. I deserve a MAN that is going to love me at my best and love me even more at my worst. I’m going to hold out for a partner that is mature enough to know that a relationship is work and both of us should be putting in 100%. No more feeling like I’m with someone who is purely only interested in physical. I deserve much more than that. So no more losers in dull armor that’s spit shined. With that said I’ll still be adding to my “Tragic Crush Tales” and telling the stories of my failed attempts with these dudes as if I’m the Jane Goodall of fuckboys.
4. This is a goal for the rest of my life not just the rest of 2016. I need to stop letting people get the best of me. I need to stop reacting to something that shouldn’t matter. I should just throw my head back, laugh, and keep it moving. Case in point one of these fuckboys mentioned in #3 keeps making posts on social media that are most likely aimed at me. Almost responded, but why give him the satisfaction? He was talking to me and other girls at the same time and has possibly moved on with one. So, dude you won. You have someone, but yet you still keep coming for me. That’s something you have to laugh at. You have a woman in your life now so why keep bringing any attention, negative or otherwise, my direction? Obviously still in his feelings, but that sounds like a personal problem. No more immediate reactions from me. I’m just gonna like his posts to piss him off. I’ll no longer let people get the best of me, but I will continue to live the petty life.
5. I say this every year, but I feel like in 2016 it may be a real possibility. I want to travel to NY for my birthday this October. If #1 can follow through immediately, and with not much to pay for on #2, I should be able to afford at least a little four day trip to a place I’ve always wanted to go. My fingers are really crossed on this one. Even better is my BFF lives in Philly and her birthday is two days before mine. It would be nice to experience that with her.
6. Last but not least my biggest goal is to keep moving forward. Too many times have I looked back. What for? There’s nothing back there. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

-Asia Aneka Anderson

A Question Of Beauty

        What truly is the definition of beauty? How do we each individually interpret it? I can see beauty in everything but myself. I have never seen myself as beautiful. I have cute days, pretty days, and decent days, but never have I looked in the mirror and thought the woman looking back was beautiful.
I’m not sure what societal norm I base my own definition of personal beauty. I can see a plus size woman and see her as beautiful. I can see the beauty in a woman covered in tattoos, scars, or dealing with a disability or handicap. Why can’t I see the beauty within myself as I do others?
        When I look at my love life I equate the lack thereof to my looks. There’s two major problems with that. If I’m looking for a partner who will love me more for my looks above all else then I’m asking for a relationship based on something extremely shallow. The second is where is the value I should have for myself to show a potential partner that I offer so much more? I guess as time goes on and as dating has changed I encounter a lot of people who judge a mate based on looks more than looking for other qualities in a person. These are not the type of people I should be looking towards for a romantic relationship, obviously, but still that insecurity lies within me.
        I’ve grown up in an environment where the way I looked, dressed, my weight, and styled my hair was often criticized. From a young age I saw myself as a smart and creative child and never cared to much about appearance because I was a tomboy, but I was surrounded by certain family who paid too much attention to the unattainable standards of a Vogue type of beauty. It was discouraging as a child to be taunted at school for my looks and then have people in your safe space do the same. It sticks with you. That feeling slowly turns into self loathing and never feeling good enough. I was never the pretty one. Always the weird one because I leaned more towards academics and art. It wasn’t until I was much older that people appreciated my mind, but the damage was already done. Now I’m under constant paranoia as to whether or not I’m beautiful and the answer to myself is always “no”.
         I don’t know if there will ever come a time that I will truly see myself as beautiful. It has less to do with my body and more to do with my mind. The hard part comes as trying to unlearn the negative view I have on myself and my body. I’d love to say it’s a work in progress, but I don’t even know where to start. I will continue to uplift and encourage others and speak on body positivity. Speaking words to others that I should be speaking to myself. No amount of words can erase the negativity done. I will work on it. I am working on it. It’s just waiting for it all to sink in and to finally feel beautiful inside and out.
-Asia Aneka Anderson, A Question Of Beauty 2016©