You probably are already aware that actor Eric Dane has passed away from ALS a few days ago. The day after he passed there was an interview that was filmed by Netflix that was Eric's last words. The last words that he had for his daughters hit home for many reasons. The biggest takeaway for me was to live in the moment. He hit the nail on the head that a lot of us keep living in the past and are anxious about the "what ifs" of the future. I'm always envious of those who can be present in the present and nothing else. I've tried my best to do that for my son. To be present for him and with him and to hold on to these moments because he is growing every day. It's still hard to not linger in the past on what mistakes that I may have made in the past that may affect his future, or wonder where the path ahead may lead us. That future is both scary and exciting, but in the end, it is still in the future and should not worry me today.
The next biggest takeaway was his advice to fall in love with something, something that will bring you happiness and fulfillment. Once upon a time, my love was reading and writing. I'd love to go to the library with my parents and check out so many books. Even at a young age my go-to was history and biographies. I loved learning about my history and every iconic and important black person. I thirsted for knowledge. I loved to sit down and write until my hand got tired. I've been writing for as far back as I can remember. My imagination had no limits. I was in love with these two things until about my early 30s, and then there was an abrupt halt. Now my love for reading had dwindled far before that because my passion for writing had become bigger. We'd gone from short stories, poems, and haikus to wanting to write novels and even scripts. I had no time to sit down and indulge in someone else's story. One could say that depression is what killed my urge to write. How can I find love in writing when I don't want to be here in the first place? But because I had that love for so long, I still couldn't live without it, but I couldn't find the headspace, motivation, or creativity to actually do it. I still can't deny that, even though my love for it isn't as strong as it once was, it's still the one thing I feel that I do the best. I can and love to tell a story. I have so many stories that I think so many people would resonate with, and it would be a shame to not get over whatever my past carried and bring those stories to the forefront while I'm still here. Now my love for reading has returned and I've made a goal to read more and more books each year and that is a goal I've been able to accomplish and it has given me small bursts of motivation to continue to create my own.
Watching that interview was heartbreaking because, as a daddy's girl, I wonder what my father would have said if he'd been given the opportunity. There are so many conversations we never got to have as two adults, and I hate that. I wonder all the time what he'd have to say about my life right now. It will be 10 years, this year, since he's been gone. The self-loathing part of myself feels like I've done nothing with my life in the past decade. I know that is far from the truth. Since 2016 I have found meaningful love, I've brought life into this world, I have published a book, I have traveled, I've gotten my degree, and a host of other things. I can't say that these are nothing because these are all things that I wish he could have been here to enjoy with me. I have to live in the present and find the things I love because my dad is an example of living in the past and letting it crush you. We never got to have those talks to see if that was the case, but deep down in my gut I feel that it was. I don't think my dad felt like he was good enough. I think he defined himself by his mistakes, rather than seeing himself as a person who made mistakes. I don't want to run in that same path.
Overall, the message is that life is short. Use the time you have here to do the things that you love with the people that you love. Take risks and don't drag yourself to the depths of hell for every single mistake that you make. You'll make more as you go. That's what it means to be human. That is how we learn. We should see all the things that life has to offer. We shouldn't burden ourselves with things and people that bring us pain and no growth. Just live your life how you see fit. Be kind to yourself and to others.
By: Asia Aneka Anderson
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