Goals

“We have reached the status of relationship goals.
The kind where we can have sex and eat pizza all day.
Just each other’s company is all we need.
The kind of goals where we text “I miss you” moments after a goodbye.
Where we can cuddle and be vulnerable.
We understand our silences as much as our words.
The kind where we can cry one minute and laugh the next.
Knowing our limits and our quirks.
A relationship where honesty rules all.
And support for each other is what matters most.
Lifting each other up so that we’re better than yesterday.
A partnership where you bare your heart and I bare mine.
The nakedness of our love.
The kind of relationship where we are a unit.
No you and I, but we.
They don’t make them like this anymore.
Just two unique beings on this journey of togetherness.
Our love is rare love.
Because of you I am lucky.
A cliché of sorts, but truth overall.
I can see you making me the luckiest girl in the world for the rest of our lives.
I say “our” because I imagine carbon copies of us in the future.
You make me believe in this.
This was a goal I never knew I wanted.
Then you came along to bring this all to life.
I can’t imagine an even better goal than just to have you near me.
No matter what that’s the only goal I need.”

-Asia Aneka Anderson, Goals 2018©

The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: The Trials And Errors Of My Love Life

        My love life is, for sure, a tragedy. It’s a combination of self sabotage, picking horribly, and bad timing. It’s a complete clusterfuck, and to be honest my love life has been nothing but a clusterfuck from my very first date. I thought it was something that would improve with time and age, and in a way it has, but definitely not too much.
        For the past six years I have been single. Yes. Six. Fucking. Years. Shoot me. I’m not even sure what happened and how time escaped me the way that it did. Somehow six years went by where I had not been intimate with a man. That seems absolutely insane. That’s something you hear and expect the end of the story to wind up with the girl becoming a nun. That is definitely not my story. My story involves hectic work schedules, over stressed, financial ruin, major setbacks, major bouts of depression, deaths in the family, more depression, blah, blah, blah. It was never ending. I barely had time for human contact because everything left me so exhausted. Whenever I did get the opportunity to become attracted to someone something would come around to cock block me. It was either the timing was off. He had a girlfriend, or fresh out of a relationship, or I was in the middle of making a major life change like moving back home from Chicago, or he just simply turned out to be a douchebag. I actually had a lot of the last one. Meets guy. Guy says all the right things. I start to get all googly eyed for said guy. Guy finally exposes that he’s a huge pig that only cares about sex, doesn’t give a flying fuck about me as a person it’s just all “Whoooo let me see them tiddies!!” Ugh. Sometimes I just had to step back. It shook my faith in love knowing that some men didn’t want all of me, but only what they thought I could offer sexually. In the past I’d sometimes allow that to be my relationship fate. Perhaps if I oblige then things could go further, but a man only interested in your body can never flip a switch and suddenly become attracted to your personality. So many fucks I can’t take back. So many that I’m ashamed that I don’t want to take back even if I could.
        Being a single Libra is quite frustrating, especially for me now at 34. In my 20s it wasn’t TOO bad. There were days I still wanted to curl up next to someone after a long day at work, or cook for, to make you laugh, and all things cutesy, but 20 something me didn’t mind it as much to be alone. Now I’m at an age where times call for settling down. The only problem is that most men my age aren’t getting the same calling. It’s nothing but games, my favorite “I’m not ready for a relationship, but don’t leave me!”, “waste her time 2017″ this, or “if she doesn’t do xyz then leave her” that. Everybody wants to act like they’re in their late teens and don’t want to grow up and build something with another person. Being a sign that represents partnership is hard in this day and age and dealing with men like this. You start to mistake his lust for genuine affection. I get excited over little things when I get a bit of attention.When my phone lights up with a notification from then current object of my affection, I light up even more, but for no reason at all because in the end I always end up disappointed.You start to make excuses. “He said he’s not ready for a relationship, but we have a good time so maybe I’ll just stick it out.” Sis! He’s just lonely and you fill the void for the time being and you’re a good fuck! I never listen to myself. I think things will work in my favor knowing he’s already informed me where his intentions lie. Still I hope somewhere down the line feelings will change and I just end up with my feelings hurt and all of this effort put into a person I had no future with while I could’ve been focusing elsewhere.
        When I look at my love life now, or lack thereof, I turn on myself. Maybe I’m not loveable. Maybe love isn’t in the cards for me. Maybe I’m put here on this Earth for something else. Maybe it’s that no one I’m attracted to wants me. Then I turn into myself a little more. Then I think every man I talk to just wants something from me, because there’s no way he actually wants me for me. I’m always waiting for a game to be played. That’s my self sabotage. I know deep down those things aren’t true, but on the surface that’s every feeling that flows through me. I’m not meant to be loved, but that’s what I want more than anything. So I play the game, waste my time, sulk when it’s over, and repeat.
        I don’t know when this clusterfuck will end. It seems to drag on longer and longer. Every time I think I’ve found a good one it turns out very bad. I guess this loneliness will last just a wee bit longer no matter how much I hate it. I’m watching everyone around me grow, get married, have kids, and I’m still stuck at square one and wondering what the hell is wrong with me. So trials and error, and error, and more errors. Hopefully this isn’t my life for another six years. I try to convince myself that this has to happen in order for me to find my soul mate, but that still doesn’t cure the loneliness of now. I know when it comes down to it waiting is best. It does pay to be picky because I can weed my way through the bullshit, including my own. Still, just still, it would be nice to be wanted. It would be nice to be loved even if temporary.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2017©

You Can't Take My Happily Ever After

The very thought of you had me playing Disney themed romance scenes in my mind.
Happily ever afters.
Turned into nothing but disasters.
You shed your Prince Charming role.
With it my trust you stole.
First had me feeling like a princess.
Now the shit you put me through is senseless.
Exaggerated feelings that never existed.
If only your actions could've been consistent.
Lust mistaken for love.
A false partnership I never dreamed of.
Lies upon lies.
From that I grew to despise.
Once upon a time you hand me in the palm of you hand.
Later to reveal you lack what it takes to be a man.
Sadly in my heart you still remain.
But I know that it's all in vain.
There are no fairy tales with you in the end.
I know now that it was all pretend.
My prince charming does exist.
He'll be genuine and your lies will not be missed.
I won't let you shake my belief in happily ever after.
One day I'll find that man that shows me I truly matter.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, You Can’t Take My Happily Ever After 2017©

Tragic Crush Tales: #10 Part Deux

When will I ever learn that some people are not meant to make a reentry into your life? I learned that again for the millionth time recently. Let’s recap on the first part of E’s shenanigans. He was a guy I met on social media at the end of 2015. He was in and out of my life until about August of 2016 when I realized the reason he was in and out of my life was because there was another woman. That’s pretty much the whole gist. He’d play victim and tried to blame me for his betrayal, but the conclusion of it at is that he was dishonest.
        We fast forward to about April of this year. I’m in the car and I get a text message. It wasn’t from a saved number, but it said “I’m in your neck of the woods.” Now I was kind of freaked out at first because who just randomly texts a stranger that? Then I noticed that I had previous texts from this number and realized it was E again. I never deleted his old messages, because I never get rid of receipts. Against better judgement I let him back in again. He apologized and said that he had made a mistake. All was forgiven, but not forgotten. See, I forgave him because from the very start I could tell he was broken. Perhaps it’s the Libra in me or the depression I battle that allows me to see through someone’s mask. He wasn’t much for a deep communicator, but I could tell. So he was forgiven for his mistake and we got back to flirting as usual. Even before we started talking again I had already purchased tickets way back in January to see my favorite band, U2, in Chicago in the summer. We counted down the days until we would finally meet. The butterflies got stronger and I was honestly more excited to see him than I was to see a band I’ve loved since I was seven years old.
        Later that night when I arrived in Chicago we finally met. I couldn’t believe he was standing right in front of me. I tried to keep my cool and not become giddy as I saw this man I’d become infatuated with finally there in the flesh. It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would be. It felt like we were old friends getting a chance to hang out again after years of being apart. We went out on a date for some good pizza. He opened doors for me, made sure that I didn’t walk on the curbside of the sidewalk. E was a complete gentleman. After our date we came back to my room to wind down for the night. I kicked his ass in Uno a few times and we chatted a bit, especially about our past so that we could hopefully start fresh. He made me feel comfortable. He made me feel like I could open up again. It was really nice. He stayed the night. It was nice laying next to him. The next day He dropped me off so I could try and meet the band and we met up later that night for another date. When our dinner date ended I had no idea that we would be parting ways. I would only be seeing him the following day for him to take me to the show and then that was it. That would be when we would say our goodbyes until who knows when. Understandably I was a little emotional and upset because I didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t want to say goodbye until it was absolutely necessary to say goodbye. He stayed a little while longer, but my heart sank as he turned to leave. The next morning is just as I thought it would be. E drove me to the concert, I kissed him goodbye, and that was it. I was left on a high, but also a low because I immediately missed him terribly.
        When I returned home, still on a high from both this man and the U2 concert, I was already planning my next visit. Hell, I was planning on a move, which was always the plan whether he was in the picture or not. Everything seemed great. We still talked and spoke about how we missed each other. It was great. Soon approaching was the one year anniversary of my father’s death. Leading up to that day there was no huge emotion one way or another. It was just kind of an empty feeling. That feeling that something was missing. On his death date I had planned to get a tattoo to honor him and take my mom with me. The night before E and I were talking. He had joked about something dealing with us and why it was taking him so long to commit and in that moment in time it rubbed me the wrong way and plus my mind was elsewhere. I told him I was going to bed and said good night. I stayed on social media a few minutes more before reaching back out to him because 1. I wanted to let him know that I really wasn’t in a joking kind of mood because I was going through my own thing, 2. but on the other hand I did need someone to talk to because I really needed to distract my mind, and 3. I couldn’t really fall asleep like I was hoping too. When I reached back out he got snotty in a “Oh now you wanna talk to me?” sort of way. I was caught off guard and really confused as to what he was upset about. I let it go, because I was already going through too much hurt reflecting on the fact that my father had been gone a whole year and since my dad died Father’s Day weekend I had to deal with both of those events at once.
        Reaching back out to E sometime later that I night he expressed he was upset because I was so happy earlier that day then all of a sudden got quiet and that I didn’t tell him what was going on beforehand. Since I didn’t tell him beforehand that I may need alone time due to my grieving he labeled me a liar. I explained several times that when it comes to that my moods are up and down. It’s only been a year. Sometimes I still cry out of the blue. Certain dates, places, songs, and events will make me teary eyed. My life is forever changed. I’ve never dealt with a loss of this magnitude so I don’t know how or when moods will hit me. Sometimes I’m not even sure how to cope. I just do what I can and try to go about my day as normal. For some reason he still didn’t get that. He didn’t get that people take losses differently. E still made it about him being hurt that I still stayed active on social media when I said I was sleeping. Now, for me that says he’s upset about something else and making it about that because there is no way possible that someone would be so furious about something so trivial especially knowing what I was going through that weekend. All of a sudden we went from having fun while we were together when I visited to “I just don’t like you anymore”. All because I was dealing with the one year anniversary of my dad’s death. Let that marinate a bit. I still don’t get it either. The sad part is I still want to make it work. I’m not sure if he’s been so hurt in the past that he thinks everything someone says is a lie, but it just makes me want to protect him more. Although, I know (or at least hope) he doesn’t mean to be so hurtful I don’t deserve to be treated in such a way. I need a man to understand that some days are hard for me. That father’s day weekend will always be a sore spot for me. I deserve to be heard out and have a partner who is willing to communicate. I don’t know what I’ve done for someone to think they can treat me like that. I spent that weekend crying over E when I should have been bonding and healing with my mother. He took that away from me. All I ever wanted was to care for him. That time we had with each other was something great. I saw him as someone I could build with when the time was right. I don’t know how we went from “I miss you” to “I don’t want you”. It breaks my heart. It truly does. I’m not sure what to do, but life must go on even though I do miss him. Maybe we’re not right for each other right now, in this lifetime, or even at all. To think about it that way really sucks, but I don’t have anymore tears to give. For this man I’ve shed them all.

- Asia Aneka Anderson, 2017©

The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: But Where Is He?

        I’m at an age where I want to find my forever mate. Honestly, I have been at that age for years now, but I guess it hasn’t been in the cards for me just yet. I have no time to invest in a person only to hit a dead end. I am not a finished product nor do I want my partner to be, but I do want a person who is willing to grow. I want a perfect kind of love, in my eyes.
        I want the kind of love where we can both own up to our faults and talk them out. No storming off in a huff. No harsh words in order to win an argument. I want someone who I can genuinely sit down with, talk out, and solve a problem like grown people are supposed to. I want a partner who will make me laugh more than cry. Life is tough enough. Home and your loved ones should be your shelter from the storm. I want a love with a solid foundation of support. I want to support my partner in any dream they have because the ultimate goal I have is for them to be happy and I’d hope they’d want the same for me. I want a love I can trust. I will admit that I have been hurt so much in the past that it is extremely hard for me to trust in another human being, but I do want to believe that trust is something that can and will happen. All I want is honesty because that is something I can give 100% and deserve it right back. I want a love where we’re not making each other pay for past partner’s mistakes. I should not be fixing a broken heart that I did not break. The only thing I can do is prove that I’m not like the rest and stand out above all. I need a partner who I can have deep conversations with. I’m not one for small talk. Random conversations about life, love, interests, and the like are what inspire me. I want a partner that I can share things with. I want to be able to share the things that make me happy whether it be to go to a show to see my favorite band, going to see their favorite speaker, just being able to see the joy in my partner’s eyes as they get to let go and immerse themselves in something that they or I love. I want to be a part of that. I want a love that is goofy. I love to laugh. I love to make people laugh. I love to take a persons pain away by making them smile. I live off of laughter. I also need a love that is serious. I need a partner to understand when I need space, or comfort, or advice. I need a love that is patient. I battle depression and anxiety and know I’m not the easiest person to deal with. I need a person who will take their time. One that will show me empathy. I want a love where the emotional is just as explosive as the physical. I need to get off more than sexually. I need to connect to another person’s mind and feed off of their conversation. I need a partner that pays no mind to man made timelines. If we fall in love by month three or year three it shouldn’t matter. It should all flow naturally. No, “We have to wait until x, y, z time has passed and such and such milestones have been hit.” I once fell in love with a man on the first date and that was the longest relationship I’ve ever had. Love has no schedule. I want a partner who will always want what’s best for me. If they know I deserve a promotion at work, give me that pep talk. If they see I’m discouraged about my weight loss then pull up some meal plans. Be my biggest cheerleader because I sure as hell will be that for you. I want a love that is real. Real love is messy, it’s tough, and it’s exhausting, but if it’s worth it then it is the most beautiful thing on the planet. In my eyes this is what’s perfect.  I deserve this. I deserve to be loved as hard as I love. The only thing I’m waiting for is someone worthy of it.

- Asia Aneka Anderson, 2017©

The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: Love Don’t Live Here

         I give up on the prospect of ever finding love.The likelihood of it ever happening the way I imagine it seems slim to none. Perhaps it’s all my fault. I am picky. I am anti social. I do have this 80s style rom com view on romance. It’s as if I’m waiting for John Cusack to play Peter Gabriel outside of my bedroom window. Things like that don’t happen. There’s no “Your hand fits perfectly in mine” or “You complete me” or “You had me at hello”. That type of romance doesn’t exist. The feeling of being swept off of my feet by a soul mate won’t happen. Maybe a such thing as a soul mate doesn’t exist. Maybe we just run into people in life that we like enough to want to be around forever and either love or habit occurs. Twice in my life have I ran into men that I thought were my soul mates. The first one popped in and out of my life for over 14 years and cheated on me every time we decided to get serious, but because we got together so well as friends I convinced myself that maybe he would get his life in order and realize that we were perfect together. I finally got the courage two years ago to completely cut him out of my life. The second I didn’t realize I felt strongly about until he was out of my life. We never even dated, but he had every single quality and more that I wanted in a man, I just didn’t feel like I was good enough for him. I hadn’t grown up enough and still had so much to figure out about myself and didn’t want to waste his time in the process. I don’t know if these are feelings I could ever recreate. I don’t trust myself let alone others. It’s a hard habit to break. I either push people away or somehow get to clingy and run them away. The only other option is for me to be alone. That’s probably what I will be as long as I have this unrealistic view or what love and passion should be. I’d love for it to exist and I’d love to capture it and completely immerse myself in that kind of love, but I’m no Meg Ryan. This ain’t a love story.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2016©

Goals: To end 2015 feeling truly loved.

Love Is Simple

From first glance I knew it was love.
Nothing existed in this world but us.
My past heartbreaks you erased.
To love you is simple.
Nothing can break the bond we share.
This love is eternal.
A “til death do us part” kind of love.
I can’t think of anything simpler than loving you.
My days are better with your love.
I had lost hope until I felt the kind of love only you can give.
A love that can never be replaced.
Finding that type of love is rare.
I can get used to the smile you put on my face.
My heart is aflutter from this simple love.
Floating on a cloud of utter happiness.
What we have is as real as it gets.
I love you.
It’s that simple.


-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Imagine Love

Love is something very fictional to me.
Where is it?
Have I ever had it?
Am I incapable of receiving love?
I’ve had so many false starts.
I’m afraid to begin again.
I feel to ragged for the dating game.
I want a family.
I long for a soulmate.
I want a happily ever after.
I’m starting to feel as tough love isn’t fictional.
It just doesn’t exist at all.
One day someone will change my mind.
One day I’ll know love.
I want that day to be now.
I’ve felt so alone.
Unfortunately I’ll have to wait for my Prince Charming and hopefully he’s just that.
The one to make this fiction true.


-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Over the past several months I have been making changes in my life. I’ve been working on myself psychically as well as seeing what really makes me tick. With both going through my journey of going natural and also being in a state of wanting to be in love I decided to dive into what has attracted me to certain men in the past and what has ran me away from others. I say this because all my adult life my boyfriends have been white. That’s not to say I haven’t been intimate with, or been attracted to men of other races, because I have, but they never resulted into anything meaningful. In recent months my preference has done a complete 180. All I want to do is spend the rest of my life with a black man.
      I bet if my parents heard that they’d probably jump for joy, but I’m not doing it for anyone’s approval. This change all started when I lived in Chicago. Growing up in Dayton, Ohio, for me, always seemed like slim pickens. Dayton isn’t small, but there is a small minded mentality. As a teenager and into my early twenties when it came to black men I only attracted a stereotype. It was always the dudes with the pants under their butt, and giving me the “psssttt…. Hey shorty.” every time I walked by and then yelling “Fuck you then, bitch.” when I didn’t comply. All these things made me cringe. I’m 31 now and started dating at 14. In all of this time, when it came to black men, only twice have I been approached the right way. Unfortunately, they weren’t my type, but I did applaud them on being perfect gentlemen. The other reason no relationships with black men flourished is because I was always seen as a “white girl.” I like rock music, foreign films, museums, etc. All of these things are my life. Whereas black men didn’t get this and didn’t relate but of course white men did. With them I could be myself and like what I liked without feeling embarrassed or looked down upon. Once I moved to Chicago it was a culture shock. I attended Columbia College which is a hipster breeding ground, as far as I’m concerned, and my mind was blown to see so many people of color who were just like me. Finally I wasn’t the only one. Even though I saw all these people like me still they weren’t like me. They all intimidated me. They were already from this city that was drowning in an amazing music scene, art, and this exuberant culture. I had nothing on these kids. It was like I was an imposter pop culture hipster compared to these kids.
       While I tried to adapt to this city lifestyle I did run into a few black men that sparked my interest. One of those I regret not pursing further. Again I felt intimidated. I felt like I would’ve been a disappointment in some way because I’d become used to dating white men. What if I didn’t live up to be what a black woman should be? That thought crossed my mind when it came to these few. I wasn’t going to embarrass myself in this big new place and feel even more like an outcast. I should’ve taken a chance anyways, but I let my fear get in the way of me acting upon it.
Now I’m back in Dayton where the choices are still slim pickens on any man no matter the race, in my opinion, but at least I still have ties in Chicago. I am at a point in my life where I do want to settle down and that’s brought me to many dating sites along with social media. There is one thing that I’ve noticed through this discovery. Most dark skinned men are only interested in light skinned girls and Latinas. That disturbed me a bit, but seeing as what my preference once was, it shouldn’t have. Although in my case my preferences were what they were out of being an outcast to an extent, not because I believe one race or shade is more beautiful than the other. I was speaking with one of the crushes from Chicago recently and he started listing off what attracted him to me and one thing he actually said was because I had light skin. That broke my heart. I don’t see myself as a light skinned girl and I definitely don’t want to been seen as having an advantage over anyone else because of my skin tone. When it comes to other men across the country in smaller cities that I find attractive who have similar personalities I see that their interests lie mainly with white women and that sucks. I have to sit back and realize that this is possibly how men felt about me. It’s a shock to the system that I didn’t have before. I never wanted it to come off that I thought white men were better. I really hope it didn’t come off that way because when I look at these men who prefer lighter skinned, white, or Latina women I can’t help but feel that way.
     I’m not sure what else I’ll discover about myself while I try to make these positive changes. This is definitely a big one for me. Because perhaps when it comes to a soulmate I was looking in the wrong places. It’s a big world out there and I can’t wait to see it again. Hopefully while I’m out in the world I can do it with someone by my side. That’s the dream.

Dreaming

Every night I close my eyes I see your face
Dreams of you bring a momentary happiness
My dreams are a place where you are mine and I yours
My smile grows under the darkness of night
As the sun rises your presence becomes weaker
I slowly open my eyes to the heartbreak that you're not there
I feel that empty spot where your body should be
I slam my eyes shut hoping to stay in dreamland with you
Imagining you wrapping your arms around me from behind
You breathe in the coconut scent of my hair
I could feel so safe in your arms forever
Reality sets in as realize I'm all alone
The days drag as I anticipate a date with my dream man
One day I'll dream in broad daylight
One day I'll wake up and smile at the sight of your face
A lifetime I will gladly share with you
For now I'll await you in my dreams until that day comes

-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites