When will I ever learn that some people are not meant to make a
reentry into your life? I learned that again for the millionth time
recently. Let’s recap on the first part of E’s shenanigans.
He was a guy I met on social media at the end of 2015. He was in and
out of my life until about August of 2016 when I realized the reason he
was in and out of my life was because there was another woman. That’s
pretty much the whole gist. He’d play victim and tried to blame me for
his betrayal, but the conclusion of it at is that he was dishonest.
We fast forward to about April of this year. I’m in the car and I get a
text message. It wasn’t from a saved number, but it said “I’m in your
neck of the woods.” Now I was kind of freaked out at first because who
just randomly texts a stranger that? Then I noticed that I had previous
texts from this number and realized it was E again. I never deleted his
old messages, because I never get rid of receipts. Against better
judgement I let him back in again. He apologized and said that he had
made a mistake. All was forgiven, but not forgotten. See, I forgave him
because from the very start I could tell he was broken. Perhaps it’s the
Libra in me or the depression I battle that allows me to see through
someone’s mask. He wasn’t much for a deep communicator, but I could
tell. So he was forgiven for his mistake and we got back to flirting as
usual. Even before we started talking again I had already purchased
tickets way back in January to see my favorite band, U2, in Chicago in
the summer. We counted down the days until we would finally meet. The
butterflies got stronger and I was honestly more excited to see him than
I was to see a band I’ve loved since I was seven years old.
Later that night when I arrived in Chicago we finally met. I couldn’t
believe he was standing right in front of me. I tried to keep my cool
and not become giddy as I saw this man I’d become infatuated with
finally there in the flesh. It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it would
be. It felt like we were old friends getting a chance to hang out again
after years of being apart. We went out on a date for some good pizza.
He opened doors for me, made sure that I didn’t walk on the curbside of
the sidewalk. E was a complete gentleman. After our date we came back to
my room to wind down for the night. I kicked his ass in Uno a few times
and we chatted a bit, especially about our past so that we could
hopefully start fresh. He made me feel comfortable. He made me feel like
I could open up again. It was really nice. He stayed the night. It was
nice laying next to him. The next day He dropped me off so I could try
and meet the band and we met up later that night for another date. When
our dinner date ended I had no idea that we would be parting ways. I
would only be seeing him the following day for him to take me to the
show and then that was it. That would be when we would say our goodbyes
until who knows when. Understandably I was a little emotional and upset
because I didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t want to say goodbye until
it was absolutely necessary to say goodbye. He stayed a little while
longer, but my heart sank as he turned to leave. The next morning is
just as I thought it would be. E drove me to the concert, I kissed him
goodbye, and that was it. I was left on a high, but also a low because I
immediately missed him terribly.
When I returned
home, still on a high from both this man and the U2 concert, I was
already planning my next visit. Hell, I was planning on a move, which
was always the plan whether he was in the picture or not. Everything
seemed great. We still talked and spoke about how we missed each other.
It was great. Soon approaching was the one year anniversary of my
father’s death. Leading up to that day there was no huge emotion one way
or another. It was just kind of an empty feeling. That feeling that
something was missing. On his death date I had planned to get a tattoo
to honor him and take my mom with me. The night before E and I were
talking. He had joked about something dealing with us and why it was
taking him so long to commit and in that moment in time it rubbed me the
wrong way and plus my mind was elsewhere. I told him I was going to bed
and said good night. I stayed on social media a few minutes more before
reaching back out to him because 1. I wanted to let him know that I
really wasn’t in a joking kind of mood because I was going through my
own thing, 2. but on the other hand I did need someone to talk to
because I really needed to distract my mind, and 3. I couldn’t really
fall asleep like I was hoping too. When I reached back out he got snotty
in a “Oh now you wanna talk to me?” sort of way. I was caught off guard
and really confused as to what he was upset about. I let it go, because
I was already going through too much hurt reflecting on the fact that
my father had been gone a whole year and since my dad died Father’s Day
weekend I had to deal with both of those events at once.
Reaching back out to E sometime later that I night he expressed he was
upset because I was so happy earlier that day then all of a sudden got
quiet and that I didn’t tell him what was going on beforehand. Since I
didn’t tell him beforehand that I may need alone time due to my grieving
he labeled me a liar. I explained several times that when it comes to
that my moods are up and down. It’s only been a year. Sometimes I still
cry out of the blue. Certain dates, places, songs, and events will make
me teary eyed. My life is forever changed. I’ve never dealt with a loss
of this magnitude so I don’t know how or when moods will hit me.
Sometimes I’m not even sure how to cope. I just do what I can and try to
go about my day as normal. For some reason he still didn’t get that. He
didn’t get that people take losses differently. E still made it about
him being hurt that I still stayed active on social media when I said I
was sleeping. Now, for me that says he’s upset about something else and
making it about that because there is no way possible that someone would
be so furious about something so trivial especially knowing what I was
going through that weekend. All of a sudden we went from having fun
while we were together when I visited to “I just don’t like you
anymore”. All because I was dealing with the one year anniversary of my
dad’s death. Let that marinate a bit. I still don’t get it either. The
sad part is I still want to make it work. I’m not sure if he’s been so
hurt in the past that he thinks everything someone says is a lie, but it
just makes me want to protect him more. Although, I know (or at least
hope) he doesn’t mean to be so hurtful I don’t deserve to be treated in
such a way. I need a man to understand that some days are hard for me.
That father’s day weekend will always be a sore spot for me. I deserve
to be heard out and have a partner who is willing to communicate. I
don’t know what I’ve done for someone to think they can treat me like
that. I spent that weekend crying over E when I should have been bonding
and healing with my mother. He took that away from me. All I ever
wanted was to care for him. That time we had with each other was
something great. I saw him as someone I could build with when the time
was right. I don’t know how we went from “I miss you” to “I don’t want
you”. It breaks my heart. It truly does. I’m not sure what to do, but
life must go on even though I do miss him. Maybe we’re not right for
each other right now, in this lifetime, or even at all. To think about
it that way really sucks, but I don’t have anymore tears to give. For
this man I’ve shed them all.
- Asia Aneka Anderson, 2017©
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