Lessons In My Life

I learn from myself each and everyday. I’d be a fool to say that I am the person that I’m meant to be. I’d also be a fool to say that I don’t have a long way to go to even be half the person I want to be.
        One lesson that need to learn is to stop punishing myself. I feel like I’ve had many failures in my life and I make myself pay dearly for them. I hold things over my own head and feel like “Why didn’t you do this that way?” or “Why aren’t you at x point in your life yet?” I try to remind myself that failures and setbacks are going to happen and everyone’s life path is different, but that doesn’t keep me from punishing myself. As I’ve posted several times before, I lost my home in Chicago back in December 2012. It is 2015 and I am still making myself feel like shit over it. I literally did all that I feel I could do, but there’s always a part of me that feels that I could’ve done more. There’s a part of me who hates myself for allowing it to happen. Things like this happen in life. Most people fall and get back up, but when I fall I repeatedly kick myself while yelling reasons as to why I deserve said kicking. Now I’m stuck here in Ohio and wondering what in the hell to do with my life and if it’s even worth it to find something worthwhile doing since I’m a huge fuck up. To quote Ringo in Yellow Submarine, “Nothing good every happens to me.” I know that this is not true, but boy does it feel like it.
        I try to remind myself of all the amazing things that have happened to me. My only problems are is it’s been far and few in between, I didn’t realize the magnitude of the event as it was happening, and with some of these events it’s been so long that the glamor of it has washed away and the memories of how I felt have faded. I can say that I’ve seen a Beatle live in my lifetime, but my seats were so far away and Paul is actually my least favorite. I’ve been to Australia which is one of the top five places I’ve ever wanted to visit ever. I’ve seen many of my favorite bands live. Coldplay, made me feel every emotion possible and it bums me out that the experience I had seeing them live is not a feeling I have everyday. I’ve met many celebrities in my life, Josh Duhmel, Demetri Martin, and Joel McHale probably being the best and John Mayer being the definite worst. I’ve made big steps like moving to a big city on my own. The big things in my life (like buying cars, apartment, etc) are things I paid for and got for myself. I had no hand me downs or help. I’ve had a lot of great things happen, but the bad seem to overshadow it.
        I’ve been trying to change my train of thought. All the while I stay bummed about leaving Chicago, but I think things happen for a reason. Maybe my time there was done. I really didn’t make too many friends there, honestly. Once I was out of eyesight of some I was completely forgotten about. The things I really loved about being there was just the music scene, the museums, festivals, movies/shows being filmed there, and I felt an enormous amount of freedom. I wasn’t really attached to a certain place or person there, honestly. I’m trying to look at it this way: Ever since I was a little girl there’s been two places I’ve always wanted to go to. I’ve already done one, Australia, and NYC is the other. What if my next move is NYC? I’m sitting here punishing myself for Chicago and could possibly be standing in the way of something better. I’ve always said my main goal is to be a writer for Rolling Stone. That’s been my dream for many years, among a ton of other dreams, but that one is at the top of the list.. The road ahead could be so much better, but I can’t help but look back at the past and wonder what could have been. I also have dreams of making my hometown more than it could be that Chicago opened my eyes to. I actually sat down and wrote down a business plan for this (which I’ll post later) that gave me the first genuine smile I’ve had in months. It made me so happy to see this plan in front of me. Maybe that’s my next move and being in Chicago was to help me realize that dream. Maybe being there was to give me the idea and tools for this concept.
        I just know that there is more for me and I know that my voice was made to be heard. I know that I have to mind to want to change things and make things everything better for everyone. That could be what’s behind door number 2. All I need is the strength to stop trying to pick the locks on door number 1. Obviously that door is locked shut for good reasons. I don’t know what I keep punishing myself for things that just happen. Perhaps in the future Chicago will be behind another door, but I have to make myself see that this isn’t what’s in my cards right now and that’s okay. Yes, I loved it but I have got to move on. There is nothing there for me right now. Time to move on to better things and to blow minds or even better to have my mind blown.

-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©

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