I don’t understand why some people around me get offended by the
things I write about. I only write what I know, what I dream, and what I
feel. If I can’t talk about any of those things then I wouldn’t be
writing something that was real to me. Any story that I write from
fiction has a background of reality. Each character I relate to. It’s
either a person I was, am, or wish I could be. I use my experiences to
say things that weigh heavy on me in hopes that someone can relate. It
doesn’t mean that an event in my life makes me angry, sad, happy or any
other emotion. It’s just something that happened. Everything that has
happened and will happen in my life I use as a learning experience.
Anything that has happened whether it be good or bad has molded the
person I am today. In no way shape or form am I the person I want to be
but all the things and people that I will come across will continue to
shape me. I have blogged in the past about various things that have
happened in my life. I’ve talked about my drug addicted father, friends
abandoning me in my time of need, insecurities that have plagued me from
my childhood, my loneliness and everything in between. If anyone in my
life comes across these things I get told that I “hold grudges”, or
“focus on the negative”. I get every response except “I understand where
you’re coming from.” I never say these things to guilt trip people or
make myself out to be the victim. I say these things to try to explain
my reactions to people and what makes me who I am now and in some way to
put it into writing so that I, myself, can get understanding of why I
do the things I do. I know that from my past I’ve had friends steal
crushes or boyfriends from me, not wanting to be there for me when I
needed someone to talk to, make lame excuses for not inviting me to
things, etc. It hurts at the time, yes, but if I reflect back on it in
my writing It’s not me holding a grudge, it’s me telling an experience
on how to make people earn my trust. I’ve grown up with family who would
make fun of the way I dressed, the music I listened to, my weight or
overall physical appearance. That’s something that has stuck with me. I
take it as it is. In this point in my life if I feel a certain way about
myself I can’t blame that on anyone else all these years later. All I
can say is that’s where it started. As far as my dad is concerned I know
that if I ever have children to never let my baggage come before them
and show them that they are more important than any substance, and as
far as the negative side of the situation with my father is that it will
always make me weary of any man that may come into my life. It’s the
main reason I don’t drink or take any prescription if I need to. That’s
how I reacted to that. All of these things I have learned a lesson from.
It may not be same lesson for everyone else that has dealt with these
things, but that’s what I take from these experiences. Most of these
people who take offense also confuse me by stating as to how they
“wouldn’t react that way.” That’s the amazingness of individuality. I
turn my angst or hurt into writing. Some people may go eat ice cream, go
boxing, or binge watch “Toddlers & Tiaras” on Netflix. It always
puzzles me when someone says that or telling me to just “get over it.”
Things like that only hurts more and is a good way to keep a wound open.
I have people from my past that have hurt me who, even though maybe not
apologizing, have recognized how their actions may have hurt me and
treated me with kindness. It’s always the ones who, even if they don’t
apologize, don’t even try to understand why I feel the way I do, (even
if I explain it until I’m blue in the face) who want to pretend like
nothing happened and think we can just be the best of friends. No. I
can’t play that game anymore. I know most people around me don’t
understand that I’ve had this void in me for as long as I can remember,
but I don’t think it’s fair to tell me how to deal with something. I’ve
come this far in my life without any self mutilation or anything else to
damage my body, no matter how much I’ve wanted to. So just because my
scars don’t show on the outside doesn’t mean they’re not there. And
don’t tell me I’m overreacting just because something that may be small
to you is devastating for me. We’re not all the same, but we should all
be treated with respect.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
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