Why talk if no one listens?

  I am really heartbroken about the death of Robin Williams. It saddens me because I can’t imagine someone who seemed to have so much energy and happiness would do this. I’ve been crying so much because this news has taken me to a dark place. It’s reminded me that there’s no hiding from this and sometimes there’s no masking it no matter how hard you try. These thoughts they never stop and I’m always in my head. I’ve said before that I hate to say that I’m depressed because I’ve never been diagnosed but I’ve felt this way since before my teenage years and I’m now 31 feeling like I’m on my last leg. This can’t just be me feeling a little sad. Not for over 15 years. I even had a “friend” who recently told me that I only focus on the negative. That is NOT something you say to someone who has no control over their thoughts. If you don’t understand it, fine, but never belittle someone like that. Sometimes I can barely move, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything. I still try to joke around and be myself, but trust me those feelings NEVER go away. Even if I’m doing something that brings me complete joy those thoughts still haunt me. ALWAYS. I feel horrible that Robin felt like he had to do what he did, but I can’t judge him because I know what that feels like.
I’ve only realized recently that I have a routine that happens when that wave of feelings come over me. If I’m in the middle of doing something I’ll lose all concentration, my eyes narrow, my jaw clenches, I clench my fists, and tears will start to fall. If I’m around people the jaw clenching is to keep the tears from happening. And sometimes I can be doing something as simple as eating and out of nowhere I’ll just start crying. I saw Dr. Drew on CNN say that when people have suicidal thoughts those thoughts do pass. That’s true, for me at least. It comes in short bursts and it’s not everyday. That’s why I clench my fist or clench anything like a pillow or even sometimes my hair because it does come over me like a huge wave and I have to hold on for dear life to keep from drowning or getting swept out to sea. In those moments I just vision how I would end it. It’s even gotten so bad to the point where I see things, that aren’t there, in the corner of my eye…. I’ve never told anyone that before. I just feel like I’m going crazy. I don’t want to feel like this. I doubt anyone does. I’ve got no one to talk to because the ones I have just shrugged it off as though I’m “just sad”, or I get told to “suck it up”, or that I “have nothing to be sad about.” Granted I haven’t talked to anyone about this in a while because I just don’t want to hear those stupid throw away excuses anymore. I just keep it to myself  or post it here because I know no one will read it, but at least I’ve gotten off my chest. I don’t think I’d ever harm myself. I think I have more in life to do just at the moment I don’t know what that is and right now I really don’t care. I know I’m here for some reason but I’m just not sure how much I can take.
I’m really surprised at my reaction to Robin’s death. I mean, I haven’t cried this much since Michael Jackson died. I can only assume that I’m reacting this way because not only was he a big part of my childhood, but because I feel like I can relate to him on multiple levels now. Dealing with a pain inside and mask it by trying to make others laugh. I know he dealt with it by his many addictions, but by there being so many addicts in my family I refuse to succumb to that lifestyle. But even in doing so I refuse to take drugs that may help. I know they’re not addictive, but I have it drilled in my head that I can’t take any pills for fear that I’ll develop a dependency. Hell even if I have a headache I just sleep it off because it terrifies me. I can’t have both this darkness and a substance rule me.
All I can say that if you have a friend who has seemed to have been distant DO NOT abandon that person. That’s what my friends did which has made me worse. Even if you don’t understand what they’re going though try to reach out. Don’t wait for them to do it because IT WILL NOT HAPPEN (mostly. I won’t speak for everybody). Reassure them that you are there for them. They’ll hear you and will appreciate it even though it won’t seem like it. Watch out for them. Try to invite them to things. DO NOT MAKE THEM FEEL UNLOVED. I can’t stress this enough. I feel like I’m unimportant to people around me. My thoughts or what I say fall on deaf ears and no one SEES me. That’s the most heartbreaking thing.  No one sees the pain even though I wear it on my face everyday. Oh well. I guess if I don’t care I can’t expect anyone else to either.
By: Asia Aneka Anderson

No comments:

Post a Comment