The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: Hey Kids, Let’s Talk About Mental Illness

        Did everyone pull through the Mercury retrograde with everything intact? I hope so, because if it unraveled it’s a bitch trying to put it back together again. I’m speaking for me, of course. Depression is already my oldest friend, seasonal depression is my depression’s older meaner cousin that depression invites over for the holidays (WITHOUT MY PERMISSION) that doesn’t leave for several months on end, then when I get that bastard to finally leave here comes Mercury being all emotional and taking me down with her. In short the last few months have been nothing but a huge dumpster fire.

        Moods change without warning. Tears come without provoking. Exhaustion comes when sleep is abundant. Mercury has her shit in check finally but the aftershocks and events to come leave little sunlight. Seasonal depression always hits me hard because the feeling of being stuck gets overwhelming. I know I mention a lot that I miss Chicago and I want to move back, but Chicago just represents something bigger for me. It’s not just a place, but any place where I feel like I belong and unfortunately home has never been that. Ohio has never felt like a place where I could let my hair down, be me, feel accepted, feel free, and give me inspiration. That may not make sense, but my personality is attracted to big lights and busy streets full of life. Something I can draw inspiration from. My muse. It doesn’t have to be Chicago, but Chicago did provide that escape for me. So, here we are in another winter. Another season of self loathing and “Someone please get me the hell out of here!” Domino effect. My mind becomes idle and still therefore it grows angry and bitter. Depression’s mean older cousin’s way of letting you know they’ve arrived. 

        Life is redundant. Everything and everyone gets on your nerves. Then daylight savings time hits and that mean old cousin starts to pack his bags, but not before leaving a nasty note on your pillow to tell you he’ll be back for Thanksgiving. Asshole. Then, just then, when you felt like the worst was over it wasn’t. Retrograde threw my mind for a loop. Not knowing whether I was coming or going. A constant anger and sadness that replaced everything I was. Work killing me more than usual. A semester that seems to be going into it’s 17th month of never ending arithmetic and whatever the hell my professor is teaching solely through YouTube videos. A relationship that you swear is going nowhere. Are we going to make any big moves…. hell moderate moves or is this it? Just this standstill? It all became infuriating. Infuriating because I’m not moving. If there is any moving it’s in slow motion… backwards. On the inside there’s just this constant screaming that doesn’t let up. The depression says “Well, where are you gonna go anyways?” Good point. All the things that once motivated me are no longer my happy place. So where do I go?

          Last week I had an idea. I dreamt that I approached a railroad crossing. I parked my car across the tracks, hopped into the passenger side, fastened my belt and waited for the train to hit the opposite side. I woke up in a hospital bed with all my loved ones around me and wept when I realized I was still alive. I’ve taken enough psych courses to know that it means I don’t want to die. I switched seats so that my body would be recognizable for God’s sake. But I do know it represents that I want a change that makes a huge impact, but I could be wrong. I do know one thing, depression has been my friend longer than anyone and he had never brought me dreams this vivid. And never did he make it look so sweet. As we grow closer to the date I would’ve given birth, the date I would’ve graduated which has now been pushed back, and the third anniversary of my dad’s death it kinda makes you wonder what the meaning of it all is? Is there any? A life where you just eat, sleep, work, and pay bills can’t be something fulfilling… or I should say that it isn’t. Not for me. I don’t even know what to look forward to. The next less than desirable paycheck? 

        I try and I try but things seem to never go right and even when they start out that way they soon sour. I wonder if things had been different had I been the child to rebel instead of follow rules. What if my dreams were encouraged instead of laughed at? Modesty out the door, I obviously have a way with words, but there’s only so many stories you can make about a broken girl who has no hope. Even character me is always stuck. Where does she go? Where is her happy ending? While we’re at it, where’s mine?

- Asia Aneka Anderson, 2019©

Day 223: I can't believe it's been a year. I swear almost every happy moment from childhood revolves around a #RobinWilliams movie. He will forever be my favorite comedian. I'm glad his movies and genius had an impact on my upbringing. SN: If anyone close to you battles mental illness or depression be there for them, listen to them, and let them know you care. It's not an easy battle, let me tell you. #riprobinwilliams #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals

IG-AsiaAneka

I have many book ideas swirling around in my head that I’m working on. There is one that I feel strongly about. It’s about a girl who has always been the black sheep, is dealing with mental illness, and in a chaotic relationship. Honestly the reason I keep hitting roadblocks with writing this story is because the main character is a black woman (loosely based off of myself) and in the black community we ignore mental illness for some reason. We always see is as something “only white people go through”. I really feel like when it comes to mental illness we have it harder because of the bullshit we have to deal with in the world and to top it off if we legit have a mental disorder we get ripped on by our own for being “weak” or something, and God forbid if you’re sexuality is something other than straight. I want to make this story to bring awareness that yes, black people face this too (as well as all races and genders), but I just don’t think that people will understand it or accept it. Once I’m done with it and can hopefully get it published I’d like to turn it into a screenplay. I already know that would be a hassle in itself and would really want to be hands on with it because we know, whether it’s indie or not, Hollywood likes to whitewash things and I won’t have any of that. I hope this story reaches everyone and that lots can relate. That’s all I really want.

My Old Friend

When everyone leaves there’s always one friend who will always be there. Too bad it’s the one friend I’d love to shake. Depression has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. As I get older my cloud gets bigger and bigger. It’s almost as if my depression is aging with me, growing bitter and old. My depression gives zero fucks as to when it hits me. It’s only mission is to make me feel worthless, hopeless, trapped, angry, overwhelmed, unloved, and like trash. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve gotten older that it has gotten worse or because I have no distraction. I have no friends, no job, and no relationship. With the absence of all these things it’s a vicious cycle. I’m already depressed, I have none of the wants and needs in life which makes me more depressed which leads me to not pursing said wants and needs in life which makes me sink into a deeper depression. Once I can get the slight motivation to go after something some fear creeps into my mind and I remind myself that I’m not worthy of these things. It never stops. When I have too much time to sit and think I get trapped in my mind and that’s when the suicidal thoughts seep in. I recently found the perfect way to describe how it hits me. It’s like a tsunami. One of the first warning signs of a tsunami is that the ocean recedes rapidly from the shore then moments later is when you see the huge waves coming. That’s how it feels. I feel like I’m on the beach where everything is still and quiet then all of a sudden my mind gets too quiet. Out of nowhere you see this huge wave of emotion, but I can’t move. I just brace myself. When the wave hits I’m struggling for dear life to get to the surface, but I’m submerged. I eventually make it to the surface, but not before I feel completely beaten and bruised. I’m used to these feelings even though on some occasions the thoughts scare me. I really wish there was a reason for these emotional tsunamis. Most of the time nothing triggers them. It just happens out of the blue. I tell myself that I would understand it better if there was a trigger. I’m always hoping that one day I’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think that’s the one and only thing that keeps me alive, is hoping that brighter day is somewhere near.


-Asia Aneka Anderson

Why talk if no one listens?

  I am really heartbroken about the death of Robin Williams. It saddens me because I can’t imagine someone who seemed to have so much energy and happiness would do this. I’ve been crying so much because this news has taken me to a dark place. It’s reminded me that there’s no hiding from this and sometimes there’s no masking it no matter how hard you try. These thoughts they never stop and I’m always in my head. I’ve said before that I hate to say that I’m depressed because I’ve never been diagnosed but I’ve felt this way since before my teenage years and I’m now 31 feeling like I’m on my last leg. This can’t just be me feeling a little sad. Not for over 15 years. I even had a “friend” who recently told me that I only focus on the negative. That is NOT something you say to someone who has no control over their thoughts. If you don’t understand it, fine, but never belittle someone like that. Sometimes I can barely move, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t do anything. I still try to joke around and be myself, but trust me those feelings NEVER go away. Even if I’m doing something that brings me complete joy those thoughts still haunt me. ALWAYS. I feel horrible that Robin felt like he had to do what he did, but I can’t judge him because I know what that feels like.
I’ve only realized recently that I have a routine that happens when that wave of feelings come over me. If I’m in the middle of doing something I’ll lose all concentration, my eyes narrow, my jaw clenches, I clench my fists, and tears will start to fall. If I’m around people the jaw clenching is to keep the tears from happening. And sometimes I can be doing something as simple as eating and out of nowhere I’ll just start crying. I saw Dr. Drew on CNN say that when people have suicidal thoughts those thoughts do pass. That’s true, for me at least. It comes in short bursts and it’s not everyday. That’s why I clench my fist or clench anything like a pillow or even sometimes my hair because it does come over me like a huge wave and I have to hold on for dear life to keep from drowning or getting swept out to sea. In those moments I just vision how I would end it. It’s even gotten so bad to the point where I see things, that aren’t there, in the corner of my eye…. I’ve never told anyone that before. I just feel like I’m going crazy. I don’t want to feel like this. I doubt anyone does. I’ve got no one to talk to because the ones I have just shrugged it off as though I’m “just sad”, or I get told to “suck it up”, or that I “have nothing to be sad about.” Granted I haven’t talked to anyone about this in a while because I just don’t want to hear those stupid throw away excuses anymore. I just keep it to myself  or post it here because I know no one will read it, but at least I’ve gotten off my chest. I don’t think I’d ever harm myself. I think I have more in life to do just at the moment I don’t know what that is and right now I really don’t care. I know I’m here for some reason but I’m just not sure how much I can take.
I’m really surprised at my reaction to Robin’s death. I mean, I haven’t cried this much since Michael Jackson died. I can only assume that I’m reacting this way because not only was he a big part of my childhood, but because I feel like I can relate to him on multiple levels now. Dealing with a pain inside and mask it by trying to make others laugh. I know he dealt with it by his many addictions, but by there being so many addicts in my family I refuse to succumb to that lifestyle. But even in doing so I refuse to take drugs that may help. I know they’re not addictive, but I have it drilled in my head that I can’t take any pills for fear that I’ll develop a dependency. Hell even if I have a headache I just sleep it off because it terrifies me. I can’t have both this darkness and a substance rule me.
All I can say that if you have a friend who has seemed to have been distant DO NOT abandon that person. That’s what my friends did which has made me worse. Even if you don’t understand what they’re going though try to reach out. Don’t wait for them to do it because IT WILL NOT HAPPEN (mostly. I won’t speak for everybody). Reassure them that you are there for them. They’ll hear you and will appreciate it even though it won’t seem like it. Watch out for them. Try to invite them to things. DO NOT MAKE THEM FEEL UNLOVED. I can’t stress this enough. I feel like I’m unimportant to people around me. My thoughts or what I say fall on deaf ears and no one SEES me. That’s the most heartbreaking thing.  No one sees the pain even though I wear it on my face everyday. Oh well. I guess if I don’t care I can’t expect anyone else to either.
By: Asia Aneka Anderson