When everyone leaves there’s always one friend
who will always be there. Too bad it’s the one friend I’d love to
shake. Depression has been a part of my life for as long as I can
remember. As I get older my cloud gets bigger and bigger. It’s almost as
if my depression is aging with me, growing bitter and old. My
depression gives zero fucks as to when it hits me. It’s only mission is
to make me feel worthless, hopeless, trapped, angry, overwhelmed,
unloved, and like trash. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve gotten older
that it has gotten worse or because I have no distraction. I have no
friends, no job, and no relationship. With the absence of all these
things it’s a vicious cycle. I’m already depressed, I have none of the
wants and needs in life which makes me more depressed which leads me to
not pursing said wants and needs in life which makes me sink into a
deeper depression. Once I can get the slight motivation to go after
something some fear creeps into my mind and I remind myself that I’m not
worthy of these things. It never stops. When I have too much time to
sit and think I get trapped in my mind and that’s when the suicidal
thoughts seep in. I recently found the perfect way to describe how it
hits me. It’s like a tsunami. One of the first warning signs of a
tsunami is that the ocean recedes rapidly from the shore then moments
later is when you see the huge waves coming. That’s how it feels. I feel
like I’m on the beach where everything is still and quiet then all of a
sudden my mind gets too quiet. Out of nowhere you see this huge wave of
emotion, but I can’t move. I just brace myself. When the wave hits I’m
struggling for dear life to get to the surface, but I’m submerged. I
eventually make it to the surface, but not before I feel completely
beaten and bruised. I’m used to these feelings even though on some
occasions the thoughts scare me. I really wish there was a reason for
these emotional tsunamis. Most of the time nothing triggers them. It
just happens out of the blue. I tell myself that I would understand it
better if there was a trigger. I’m always hoping that one day I’ll see
the light at the end of the tunnel. I think that’s the one and only
thing that keeps me alive, is hoping that brighter day is somewhere
near.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
-Asia Aneka Anderson
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