Who I Am.

I know exactly who I am. I have no idea where I’m going, I don’t know what life has in store for me, and I don’t know what I want to be, but I DO know who I am. I don’t think a lot of people truly know deep down who they are. When I say that I mean I know how I act, react, my flaws, I know my strengths and my weaknesses, and I embrace all of this. I feel like that’s rare. I feel that way because I don’t know many people who embrace their weaknesses and flaws. Honestly I probably embrace those parts of myself more than my strengths. I think weakness and flaws mold you more than anything because you learn from them.

I know that I have a horrible habit of treating my shitty friends like gold and my golden friends like shit. I’ve always been like that and I don’t know why. I see it. I recognize it. I try to catch myself when I see myself doing it, but sometimes it’s too late. I’ve been accused of being an overprotective friend. It’s true to a point, but it’s because I don’t want my friends to get hurt. I’m motherly in that way. Honestly I’m overprotective because that’s how I wish people were with me. I know that people use me and sometimes I just let it happen because it’s better than being alone. I know that I can be very irritable and mean for no reason. People ask me simple questions and if I’m not in the mood to talk instead of saying “I’m sorry, not now.” I snap, or huff, and roll my eyes. I know that when it comes to the things I want to do in life if the path to reach this goal isn’t clear and planned out I just give up entirely. I won’t even try. I know that I need things to go as planned and if it doesn’t I go into a panic. I don’t believe in myself. Not 100%, but a good portion of me is shrouded in doubt. I just don’t feel like I’m as talented as I used to be despite my great ideas. I know that deep down I am very sensitive and I put on a tough guy persona. I know that sometimes I can hold grudges. It’s not that I hold onto them, it’s just that I have trust issues. I have had moments where I try to forgive and forget when someone has done me wrong only to have to break that trust again so now I have a habit of keeping my guard up with everyone. A big flaw I have is I don’t point out my flaws to people. If I do something unintentionally that hurts someone and I know that I did I won’t say anything unless the other person says something. If they do I’ll explain and apologize, but if they don’t I’ll pretend it never happened. People tell me that I’m negative, but I just feel like I have a realistic outlook on life. Death, war, racism, homophobia, terrorism, suicide, etc happens every day. Just because I acknowledge that doesn’t make me negative. It makes me too aware. I can’t really express love the way I want to. I wasn’t brought up with a ton of hugs and kisses and “I love yous”. Sometimes I pull away when people try to hug me because I’m not used to it. That reaction isn’t me being mean, it’s just very awkward for me. But I do have a lot of love to give I just have a hard time showing it because I don’t know how. I have a horrible horrible habit of being mean to people I don’t find attractive. That’s something I’m really sorry about. It’s a habit I grew up watching and just like with my habit of not treating my great friends as great as they treat me I try to stop myself when I see it happening. I know a lot of my bad habits are things I watched from family growing up and they are tough habits to break, but I do try.

I am a true believer that my flaws are lessons I learn from, but not everything about me is moody, depressing, and bitchy. I am the type of person who doesn’t like to see people hurt. Even if I’ve only met you once or only met you online and you seem sad I always tell people to talk to me if they need someone, and I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart. When I made a decent amount of money I was the type to help friends and family. My thoughts are “what’s mine is yours”. I tried to help the homeless when I could and I wish I had the means to still do so. I don’t like to see people without. I try to take tragic events and make people laugh about it. That may not make the hardship go away but at least with a joke or two I can take your mind off it. I never forget people who help me. For instance, when I got kicked out of my place a few years ago a co-worker I wasn’t really close with opened her home to me. If (WHEN) I win the lottery or Publisher’s Clearing House I will give her a large amount of money because she didn’t have to help me at all, but I am more than grateful that she did. I am happy when I see really talented friends or followers of mine making moves and I’m more than happy to push them to get there. Even if it’s just a share, retweet, or reblog I like doing my part and it makes me proud to be able to say “I know this person, they are great, and you should think they’re great too.” I just kinda wish most people did that for me as well. Even though the past few years have given me a beating some days I just sit and smile because I’ve made it this far.

I’m not a good person nor am I bad. All I can do is take life’s lessons and learn from them. I can only try to mold myself into a better person. I can only strive to be the person I want to be. For now I’m just Asia and I’m okay with that.


-Asia Aneka Anderson

Tragic Crush Tales #2

When I was a freshman in high school there was this guy who was absolutely gorgeous. G was this sexy chocolate dude, who seemed sweet, his family was religious, and he had an amazing voice. We were in choir together. We didn’t talk TOO much, but he was always nice when we did. He was very easy going and I have always been very shy. Somehow my best friend got his number and we would call him often, giggling like 14 year old girls usually do when you talk to the cute boy in class. One day after school I decided to stay behind with my best friend and roam around our new school. We watched the boys practice basketball, bugged a few of our favorite teachers, and we came across G roaming the halls. As soon as we saw him my friend pushed me towards him and bolted to “give us time alone to flirt” cause she knew I wouldn’t do without a metaphorical, or in this case, physical push. We only chatted for a few minutes and before I knew it he pulled me off into this little nook and pushed me up against the wall. He clawed at me, trying to lift up my shirt. I tried to pull away from him and told him to stop, but he wouldn’t. Finally by the time I said “No” for the 5th time and kept struggling, he let me go.

Sidebar: To people who think when girls are assaulted or raped it must be because they were dressed provocatively, I was in a big baggy Tweety Bird shirt with those huge skater men’s jeans that were popular in the late 90s/early 2000s which were written and drawn all over by me and my friends. No cleavage or skin tight pants. I was in men’s clothes. So stop it with the victim blaming that it must be how the girl is dressed. K? K.

Well once I got away from him I ran to find my friend and told her we had to leave immediately. On the walk home I told her what had happened and that I didn’t know what to do because I didn’t want people to make a big deal of it. The next day I told a few friends of mine and my guy best friend who wanted to kill him by that point. One friend I told looked at me strange when I told her and she confessed she had the same run in with him too. Once she found out he did it to someone else she pressured me that we both had to tell someone before it happened again. It took me a few days to tell my parents and when I did my dad showed up at the school mad as hell. There was a meeting between him, both our parents, and me, where his mom, in so many words, said I was asking for it because I liked him and called him a few times. After the meeting was over his dad pulled my dad aside to apologize and to tell him that he completely believed everything I said. I thought it was funny that his dad understood the pain I was going through, but his mom, another woman, wanted to point the finger. As time went on he showed up to school less and less. After I told my story I think one or two other girls came forward which ruined his image as a good christian boy, I guess. I’m not sure if he ever graduated or dropped out altogether because by sophomore year he was never seen again.
Years later I realized that possibly this one person had an effect on my dating life for years. After this happened I stopped dating black men altogether. I don’t know if it was because of this, but I do know for a fact that’s when it stopped. I even stopped finding black men attractive at that point. I had to sit back and change my whole thought process when it came to men and dating. Without even knowing I let his actions influence me and I knew I couldn’t do it any longer. I don’t know what he’s doing with his life now and don’t care. Last I saw him was about 6 years later. There was a competition at our local mall for American Idol and I went to try out. I saw him there scoping out the high school girls at the mall. Once a perv, always a perv, I guess.


-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2014(c)

Tragic Crush Tales #1

        Crush D was kind of a complicated situation. He was my manager. It wasn’t as awkward as you would think. We were the same age, he was covered in tattoos, a sneaker head, etc. So he wasn’t this stuck up bent out of shape slave driver that comes to mind when you think “boss”. He was hella cool and flirtatious and he helped me out a lot when it came to giving me more hours. So I was more drawn to his personality, as well as most other girls that worked with us. Everyone was in love with this dude.
        Around Christmastime one year most of us decided to head to a popular club to celebrate the holidays and he kept asking me that whole week if I was going. For me it wasn’t really worth it because I lived pretty far and the bus that would take me home stopped running at 12:30am and I didn’t want to be that party pooper who had to leave after about an hour. That didn’t keep him from asking me so I started to reply with “I’ll go if you drop me off at home so I don’t have to catch the bus.” He’d never reply back he’d just laugh and go back to work. Well I ended up going anyways and decided I’d either see if he could take me home or try to crash with someone else. We partied the whole night and I got drunk enough by the end of it to tell him how I felt. I just went up to him and said “You know I like you, right?” and  all he said was “Ok.” and smiled. The next morning I got to work hungover as hell. I hadn’t even been there that long until people who, weren’t even at the club or left early, started coming up to me and asking me “Did you ask D to go home with you?” I was entirely too hungover for the rumor mill that morning. “No. I just asked him to take me home since he kept bugging me to go. I didn’t want to be stranded with nowhere to go unless I couldn’t crash at anyone’s place.” I was so confused because I’d made it clear to him that I just needed a ride, not a ride and *wink wink*. “Well, he’s telling people that you asked him to come to your apartment.” I was so pissed off. Here’s someone that, yeah I had a crush on, but I also respected now he’s going around and spreading rumors that I asked him to come to my place. Drunk or not I know I wouldn’t have said it because my apartment looked like a frat lived there; clothes, pizza boxes, and beer bottles everywhere, not to mention I had an air mattress that was half deflated. Not exactly a place you ask someone to come back to for a fuck session. At that moment not only did my crush on him end but so did my respect for him. I was not that kind of girl and to have someone I, and everyone else, respected start a rumor like that hurt. I was also hurt because when it comes to crushes I’m terrified (more than what’s considered normal) to tell the person. In my life there’s been only about 3 or 4 people I got up the nerve to say something and this time backfired big time. The rumor went away by the end of the following week, but it’s something I’ll always remember and I haven’t told anyone I’ve liked them since. I’ll just keep that to myself or let my body language do all the talking.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2014(c)

Love Is Simple

From first glance I knew it was love.
Nothing existed in this world but us.
My past heartbreaks you erased.
To love you is simple.
Nothing can break the bond we share.
This love is eternal.
A “til death do us part” kind of love.
I can’t think of anything simpler than loving you.
My days are better with your love.
I had lost hope until I felt the kind of love only you can give.
A love that can never be replaced.
Finding that type of love is rare.
I can get used to the smile you put on my face.
My heart is aflutter from this simple love.
Floating on a cloud of utter happiness.
What we have is as real as it gets.
I love you.
It’s that simple.


-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

Tragic Boyfriend Tales #3

Boyfriend J was a train wreck that I kept reliving. We were absolute best friends in high school. To say that I was in love with this dude from day one would be an understatement, but we never dated while in school. We did date after we graduated but he soon dived into drugs and I was busy living college life so we eventually drifted apart. We would sometimes go years without talking then suddenly he’d call or message me out of the blue and it would be like we were 15 again and I’d fall hard all over again. I was truly convinced he was my soulmate and that one day he’s see it too. We again lost contact when I moved out of state. On his birthday, August of 2011, I wished him a happy birthday on FB like most people do. Out of nowhere he called me that night and we talked for hours. I turned into a teenager like I  always do and in a instant was ready to turn my life upside down and move back home just for him. That’s how much of a grip he had on me. I settled on just coming home to hang with him on my birthday October of that year. We met up, it was great, and we decided to give a relationship a go… again. We talked all the time to make the long distance thing work and I thought we were going strong. Well come February of 2012 low and behold I log into FB and in my newsfeed were some pics he was tagged in with another girl who referred to him as her boyfriend. Needless to say I was hurt. I still held out hope that this was my soulmate, I was more than prepared to leave my life in Chicago to move back to Ohio for him, AND I had recently paid his phone bill (It’s almost 2015 and I have yet to see that money btw). I of course called him out on it. J gave me the dumbest, rudest, yet cleverest (because it was so out of left field) excuse known to man. He told me that he cheated on me because, and I quote, “I think I have multiple personality disorder.” I. Shit. You. Not. I told him that I had known him for 14 years and if he had any other personalities then all of those fuckers should know me by now. I was heartbroken. I knew at that moment I had to block him from everything because even to this day if he were to start talking to me I’d probably stupidly fall into his grasp again. I guess everybody has that ONE person that they know is bad for them but can’t help it. That’s what J is for me. I don’t have to worry about karma hitting him because it hit him often before the last time he dated. His gf that he left me for the first time tricked him into thinking the 3 kids she had while they were together are his (the first one definitely isn’t his), but two of them are iffy cause she cheated a lot. I’m guessing she has multiple personality disorder too.
-Asia Aneka Anderson

My Old Friend

When everyone leaves there’s always one friend who will always be there. Too bad it’s the one friend I’d love to shake. Depression has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. As I get older my cloud gets bigger and bigger. It’s almost as if my depression is aging with me, growing bitter and old. My depression gives zero fucks as to when it hits me. It’s only mission is to make me feel worthless, hopeless, trapped, angry, overwhelmed, unloved, and like trash. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve gotten older that it has gotten worse or because I have no distraction. I have no friends, no job, and no relationship. With the absence of all these things it’s a vicious cycle. I’m already depressed, I have none of the wants and needs in life which makes me more depressed which leads me to not pursing said wants and needs in life which makes me sink into a deeper depression. Once I can get the slight motivation to go after something some fear creeps into my mind and I remind myself that I’m not worthy of these things. It never stops. When I have too much time to sit and think I get trapped in my mind and that’s when the suicidal thoughts seep in. I recently found the perfect way to describe how it hits me. It’s like a tsunami. One of the first warning signs of a tsunami is that the ocean recedes rapidly from the shore then moments later is when you see the huge waves coming. That’s how it feels. I feel like I’m on the beach where everything is still and quiet then all of a sudden my mind gets too quiet. Out of nowhere you see this huge wave of emotion, but I can’t move. I just brace myself. When the wave hits I’m struggling for dear life to get to the surface, but I’m submerged. I eventually make it to the surface, but not before I feel completely beaten and bruised. I’m used to these feelings even though on some occasions the thoughts scare me. I really wish there was a reason for these emotional tsunamis. Most of the time nothing triggers them. It just happens out of the blue. I tell myself that I would understand it better if there was a trigger. I’m always hoping that one day I’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think that’s the one and only thing that keeps me alive, is hoping that brighter day is somewhere near.


-Asia Aneka Anderson

Where You Begin And I End

I want to know all about you
Let’s have deep conversation at midnight under the stars
What makes you tick?
What makes you happy?
What turns you on?
What do you dream?
What are your failures?
I want to know everything
To be close to you
To be the one who understands you
To know how you think
That’s all I want
I want you to know me
My darkest secrets
My passion
My quirks
Us as best friends and lovers
Completing each others sentences
Knowing what the other is thinking with just one glance
No judgment towards each other
Just love
Just understanding
Just happiness
That’s all I’ve ever wanted.

-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites