Who I Am.

I know exactly who I am. I have no idea where I’m going, I don’t know what life has in store for me, and I don’t know what I want to be, but I DO know who I am. I don’t think a lot of people truly know deep down who they are. When I say that I mean I know how I act, react, my flaws, I know my strengths and my weaknesses, and I embrace all of this. I feel like that’s rare. I feel that way because I don’t know many people who embrace their weaknesses and flaws. Honestly I probably embrace those parts of myself more than my strengths. I think weakness and flaws mold you more than anything because you learn from them.

I know that I have a horrible habit of treating my shitty friends like gold and my golden friends like shit. I’ve always been like that and I don’t know why. I see it. I recognize it. I try to catch myself when I see myself doing it, but sometimes it’s too late. I’ve been accused of being an overprotective friend. It’s true to a point, but it’s because I don’t want my friends to get hurt. I’m motherly in that way. Honestly I’m overprotective because that’s how I wish people were with me. I know that people use me and sometimes I just let it happen because it’s better than being alone. I know that I can be very irritable and mean for no reason. People ask me simple questions and if I’m not in the mood to talk instead of saying “I’m sorry, not now.” I snap, or huff, and roll my eyes. I know that when it comes to the things I want to do in life if the path to reach this goal isn’t clear and planned out I just give up entirely. I won’t even try. I know that I need things to go as planned and if it doesn’t I go into a panic. I don’t believe in myself. Not 100%, but a good portion of me is shrouded in doubt. I just don’t feel like I’m as talented as I used to be despite my great ideas. I know that deep down I am very sensitive and I put on a tough guy persona. I know that sometimes I can hold grudges. It’s not that I hold onto them, it’s just that I have trust issues. I have had moments where I try to forgive and forget when someone has done me wrong only to have to break that trust again so now I have a habit of keeping my guard up with everyone. A big flaw I have is I don’t point out my flaws to people. If I do something unintentionally that hurts someone and I know that I did I won’t say anything unless the other person says something. If they do I’ll explain and apologize, but if they don’t I’ll pretend it never happened. People tell me that I’m negative, but I just feel like I have a realistic outlook on life. Death, war, racism, homophobia, terrorism, suicide, etc happens every day. Just because I acknowledge that doesn’t make me negative. It makes me too aware. I can’t really express love the way I want to. I wasn’t brought up with a ton of hugs and kisses and “I love yous”. Sometimes I pull away when people try to hug me because I’m not used to it. That reaction isn’t me being mean, it’s just very awkward for me. But I do have a lot of love to give I just have a hard time showing it because I don’t know how. I have a horrible horrible habit of being mean to people I don’t find attractive. That’s something I’m really sorry about. It’s a habit I grew up watching and just like with my habit of not treating my great friends as great as they treat me I try to stop myself when I see it happening. I know a lot of my bad habits are things I watched from family growing up and they are tough habits to break, but I do try.

I am a true believer that my flaws are lessons I learn from, but not everything about me is moody, depressing, and bitchy. I am the type of person who doesn’t like to see people hurt. Even if I’ve only met you once or only met you online and you seem sad I always tell people to talk to me if they need someone, and I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart. When I made a decent amount of money I was the type to help friends and family. My thoughts are “what’s mine is yours”. I tried to help the homeless when I could and I wish I had the means to still do so. I don’t like to see people without. I try to take tragic events and make people laugh about it. That may not make the hardship go away but at least with a joke or two I can take your mind off it. I never forget people who help me. For instance, when I got kicked out of my place a few years ago a co-worker I wasn’t really close with opened her home to me. If (WHEN) I win the lottery or Publisher’s Clearing House I will give her a large amount of money because she didn’t have to help me at all, but I am more than grateful that she did. I am happy when I see really talented friends or followers of mine making moves and I’m more than happy to push them to get there. Even if it’s just a share, retweet, or reblog I like doing my part and it makes me proud to be able to say “I know this person, they are great, and you should think they’re great too.” I just kinda wish most people did that for me as well. Even though the past few years have given me a beating some days I just sit and smile because I’ve made it this far.

I’m not a good person nor am I bad. All I can do is take life’s lessons and learn from them. I can only try to mold myself into a better person. I can only strive to be the person I want to be. For now I’m just Asia and I’m okay with that.

-Asia Aneka Anderson

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