"Unfulfilled in the absence of happiness."
-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015©
Tragic Boyfriend Tales #5
Out of the few adult relationships I’ve had I
was with boyfriend O the longest. It was no easy feat since 90% of our
relationship was long distance. There were more ups than downs in this
relationship, which I was grateful for. We tried our best to see each
other during holidays, school breaks, and we talked every single day
either on the phone or Skype. Nine months into dating I could feel him
sort of pulling away. I wasn’t sure if it was due to us being in
different states, because we were in an interracial relationship, or
because he wasn’t ready for something really serious. One day while on
Skype he casually brought up the idea of us possibly taking a break.
When he saw how hurt I was he stressed that it wasn’t an end to our
relationship, just a break. There wasn’t much I could do from so far
away. We shelved the conversation, but I could tell he was set in his
decision, but I didn’t agree with it.
That weekend I decided to hang out with someone I had been friends with on social media for years. He was a native of my new city and I thought since he knew the area and plus we went to the same school it would be cool to hang out with him. That entire day I spent with this person and decided to go watch movies with him in his dorm that evening. The whole entire time I texted boyfriend O. Although he wanted a break we still talked everyday. This day was no different. I told him about my day and who I was with and there was no problem. As the day went on the sexual tension between this guy and I kept growing. Before I knew it we couldn’t stop kissing. I finally got the nerve to back off and tell him I couldn’t, which was hard because he was an amazing kisser (I’m an asshole, I know). Still after this I didn’t leave. I stayed and we watched more movies. Later one of his friends came over and while they played video games I called and talked to O for a while, omitting the information of me making out with my new friend pretty much the whole afternoon. As the night when on the guy’s friend left and since it was too late for me to catch a bus home so I decided to stay. You can guess what happened next. I tried to make myself feel better by reminding myself that O wanted a break anyways so technically it wasn’t cheating. Didn’t work at all. I ended up crying the rest of the night and kicking myself for not taking a cab home before things got out of hand.
That next morning I went home and racked my brain how to tell O. Later that evening I Skyped him and told him everything. I’m not the type of person who likes to or wants to lie which is why I told him first chance I got. It hurt me to see him hurt, but was surprised when he said he just wanted to sleep on it. We talked about it for a few days, no arguments, just hashing out our feelings. We stayed together for 3 months after that. Part of me thinks that this incident is why we broke up, at least on his end. For me we broke up for entirely different reasons.
These tragic tales aren’t all about horrible, stupid, immature exes or crushes. They’re also about me. I’m human and I make mistakes too (not many). This is one of them and I hurt someone that I cared for. We weren’t right for each other and I somewhat knew that early on in the relationship, but I learned to care about him and he was with me through some pretty tough times. Sucks because even though a relationship with him was pretty bad we still could’ve been pretty good friends. That’s life though.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
That weekend I decided to hang out with someone I had been friends with on social media for years. He was a native of my new city and I thought since he knew the area and plus we went to the same school it would be cool to hang out with him. That entire day I spent with this person and decided to go watch movies with him in his dorm that evening. The whole entire time I texted boyfriend O. Although he wanted a break we still talked everyday. This day was no different. I told him about my day and who I was with and there was no problem. As the day went on the sexual tension between this guy and I kept growing. Before I knew it we couldn’t stop kissing. I finally got the nerve to back off and tell him I couldn’t, which was hard because he was an amazing kisser (I’m an asshole, I know). Still after this I didn’t leave. I stayed and we watched more movies. Later one of his friends came over and while they played video games I called and talked to O for a while, omitting the information of me making out with my new friend pretty much the whole afternoon. As the night when on the guy’s friend left and since it was too late for me to catch a bus home so I decided to stay. You can guess what happened next. I tried to make myself feel better by reminding myself that O wanted a break anyways so technically it wasn’t cheating. Didn’t work at all. I ended up crying the rest of the night and kicking myself for not taking a cab home before things got out of hand.
That next morning I went home and racked my brain how to tell O. Later that evening I Skyped him and told him everything. I’m not the type of person who likes to or wants to lie which is why I told him first chance I got. It hurt me to see him hurt, but was surprised when he said he just wanted to sleep on it. We talked about it for a few days, no arguments, just hashing out our feelings. We stayed together for 3 months after that. Part of me thinks that this incident is why we broke up, at least on his end. For me we broke up for entirely different reasons.
These tragic tales aren’t all about horrible, stupid, immature exes or crushes. They’re also about me. I’m human and I make mistakes too (not many). This is one of them and I hurt someone that I cared for. We weren’t right for each other and I somewhat knew that early on in the relationship, but I learned to care about him and he was with me through some pretty tough times. Sucks because even though a relationship with him was pretty bad we still could’ve been pretty good friends. That’s life though.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
Hair Growth Update
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to show you guys an update on my hair growth. I made a few posts in the past about the castor oil challenge. This challenge started in September and ends this week.
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As you can see my hair has grown a bit. Not a whole lot, but I can definitely see a difference. For some reason it's growing faster in the back than anywhere else. The kind of castor oil I've using is the Jamaican black. I use it everyday around my edges, hairline, and the nape of my neck (pretty much the whole circumference of me head) and on the crow of my head. This is the result of that. There is another castor oil challenge coming up and you have until December 7th to register and will run until March 1st. You should really join and if not you should at least pop by the website because this girl posts amazing tips for natural hair. I'll try to post more updates as far as my natural hair journey. I still have a few reviews to do that hopefully I can get up in the next few weeks. I bought a new coconut oil and I want to use it a few more times before I post anything because I'm still on the fence about if I like it or not. Until next time! :)
I just wanted to show you guys an update on my hair growth. I made a few posts in the past about the castor oil challenge. This challenge started in September and ends this week.
My Country Tis of Thee
I live in a country where my future children will have targets on their backs.
Where from a young age I’ll have to train them to have two different personae and in order to become successful they may have to make the hard choice to abandon who they truly are to adopt the persona that makes people more “comfortable”.
A country where I’ll have to tell them that if they’re around police or in a white neighborhood to not look “suspicious”. I’ll have to remind them to always keep their heads up, be super friendly, and smile, no matter what kind of day you’re having, as to not look threatening.
Where I’ll have to make sure they know the laws and their rights as if they’d written them themselves.
Where if their clothes are a size or two too big they’ll be perceived as “thugs” and “criminals” even if they are straight A or honor roll students.
A country where I will have to thoroughly teach my future children the horror as well as success stories of their ancestors because schools will gloss over it and instead shove lies about Christopher Columbus and the founding fathers down their throats.
A country where no matter how much I tell them “you can.” I’ll have to inform them the rest of the world will them “you can’t.” and that is something they will have to not take to heart.
A country where my future children will have to work twice as hard as anyone else, if not more, to make it.
A country where people will turn their noses up at them purely for the color of their skin before even knowing the content of their character.
Where I’ll have to teach them that no matter how good their grades are, how many degrees they earn, or how many suits they own they will still be followed around in stores because of the color of their skin.
I live in a country where I’ll have to teach my future children that they are not seen as people to some, but more as untamed animals.
A country where if they want to speak out against injustices they will be seen as “threats” and “troublemakers”.
A country where their culture is praised and imitated, but black PEOPLE are not.
A country where brown faces are all that are seen on the nightly news in a horrible light in order to keep fear alive of brown people.
Where if they run into a legal situation they will receive the maximum sentence because of our corrupt justice system when it comes to people of color.
Where if their name is outside of the norm an employer will toss their resume aside.
Where no matter how hard they work at a job they will still not be as appreciated as much as the laziest white man in the office.
A country where if my future children decide to date outside of their race there are certain parts of the country where they will have to always look behind their backs.
A country where if my kids are dark skinned they’ll be told over and over again that they are not as beautiful as a light skinned person. I will have the hard task of telling them that because our people have been brainwashed for so long these negative words will most likely come from their own people.
I live in a country where if my future children were homosexual I’d have to explain to them that there are people who will want to hurt them just for being who they are and spew hateful words out of one side of their mouth while quoting the Bible out of the other.
A country where if my future son or daughter want to marry someone of the same sex in some states they still can’t.
A country where if my future children aren’t straight an employer can terminate them simply because of who they love.
A country where I’ll have to tell my daughter that she will not be paid as much as a man even if she works harder.
Where I’ll have show my daughter how people scoff at the idea of a woman in power.
A country where I will have to tell my future daughter to always be aware of her surroundings, carry a weapon, and don’t dress provocatively because if she is raped the world will look at her to blame instead of her attacker.
I will have to teach my children that this is the land of the free unless you’re a person of color, any sexuality other than straight, or a woman.
But these are things I won’t have to teach my future children because I live in a country that has made me fearful to have children. A place that makes me cringe when I think that in some shape or form parents have to have these conversations with their kids. Parents have to have these conversations because nothing in this country is equal and they have to make their children aware of that at an early age in order to keep them safe. If that isn’t a sad realization I don’t know what is. And if that doesn’t make you scared then I don’t know what will.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
Where from a young age I’ll have to train them to have two different personae and in order to become successful they may have to make the hard choice to abandon who they truly are to adopt the persona that makes people more “comfortable”.
A country where I’ll have to tell them that if they’re around police or in a white neighborhood to not look “suspicious”. I’ll have to remind them to always keep their heads up, be super friendly, and smile, no matter what kind of day you’re having, as to not look threatening.
Where I’ll have to make sure they know the laws and their rights as if they’d written them themselves.
Where if their clothes are a size or two too big they’ll be perceived as “thugs” and “criminals” even if they are straight A or honor roll students.
A country where I will have to thoroughly teach my future children the horror as well as success stories of their ancestors because schools will gloss over it and instead shove lies about Christopher Columbus and the founding fathers down their throats.
A country where no matter how much I tell them “you can.” I’ll have to inform them the rest of the world will them “you can’t.” and that is something they will have to not take to heart.
A country where my future children will have to work twice as hard as anyone else, if not more, to make it.
A country where people will turn their noses up at them purely for the color of their skin before even knowing the content of their character.
Where I’ll have to teach them that no matter how good their grades are, how many degrees they earn, or how many suits they own they will still be followed around in stores because of the color of their skin.
I live in a country where I’ll have to teach my future children that they are not seen as people to some, but more as untamed animals.
A country where if they want to speak out against injustices they will be seen as “threats” and “troublemakers”.
A country where their culture is praised and imitated, but black PEOPLE are not.
A country where brown faces are all that are seen on the nightly news in a horrible light in order to keep fear alive of brown people.
Where if they run into a legal situation they will receive the maximum sentence because of our corrupt justice system when it comes to people of color.
Where if their name is outside of the norm an employer will toss their resume aside.
Where no matter how hard they work at a job they will still not be as appreciated as much as the laziest white man in the office.
A country where if my future children decide to date outside of their race there are certain parts of the country where they will have to always look behind their backs.
A country where if my kids are dark skinned they’ll be told over and over again that they are not as beautiful as a light skinned person. I will have the hard task of telling them that because our people have been brainwashed for so long these negative words will most likely come from their own people.
I live in a country where if my future children were homosexual I’d have to explain to them that there are people who will want to hurt them just for being who they are and spew hateful words out of one side of their mouth while quoting the Bible out of the other.
A country where if my future son or daughter want to marry someone of the same sex in some states they still can’t.
A country where if my future children aren’t straight an employer can terminate them simply because of who they love.
A country where I’ll have to tell my daughter that she will not be paid as much as a man even if she works harder.
Where I’ll have show my daughter how people scoff at the idea of a woman in power.
A country where I will have to tell my future daughter to always be aware of her surroundings, carry a weapon, and don’t dress provocatively because if she is raped the world will look at her to blame instead of her attacker.
I will have to teach my children that this is the land of the free unless you’re a person of color, any sexuality other than straight, or a woman.
But these are things I won’t have to teach my future children because I live in a country that has made me fearful to have children. A place that makes me cringe when I think that in some shape or form parents have to have these conversations with their kids. Parents have to have these conversations because nothing in this country is equal and they have to make their children aware of that at an early age in order to keep them safe. If that isn’t a sad realization I don’t know what is. And if that doesn’t make you scared then I don’t know what will.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
What I'm Thankful For
Some years it’s easy to think of what I’m thankful for while some years I wonder “what’s the point?”
I’m thankful that I’m here to see another day even though there are days I wish I didn’t exist.
I’m thankful that I get better each day.
I’m thankful for the strength that keeps me going when I want to give up.
I’m thankful for the small number of people that genuinely care. The ones that I know I can truly count on.
I’m thankful for Tumblr for giving me a place to not be afraid to share my life with total strangers.
I’m thankful for these total strangers who saw my cries for help when those around me didn’t. Thank you for lending me your ears.
Even though I want more and have had more in the past I’m thankful for what I have right now.
I’m thankful for the once in a lifetime experiences I’ve had.
I’m thankful for the laughter through the tough times.
I’m thankful for the ability to feel. For so long I thought that I was dying inside.
I’m thankful for the talent I have with words.
I’m thankful for the successful future I’ll have with these passionate words.
I’m thankful for a better life ahead.
I’m thankful for life, love, family, and friends.
I may not have a lot of it, but I’m thankful for the little bit I’ve got.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
I’m thankful that I’m here to see another day even though there are days I wish I didn’t exist.
I’m thankful that I get better each day.
I’m thankful for the strength that keeps me going when I want to give up.
I’m thankful for the small number of people that genuinely care. The ones that I know I can truly count on.
I’m thankful for Tumblr for giving me a place to not be afraid to share my life with total strangers.
I’m thankful for these total strangers who saw my cries for help when those around me didn’t. Thank you for lending me your ears.
Even though I want more and have had more in the past I’m thankful for what I have right now.
I’m thankful for the once in a lifetime experiences I’ve had.
I’m thankful for the laughter through the tough times.
I’m thankful for the ability to feel. For so long I thought that I was dying inside.
I’m thankful for the talent I have with words.
I’m thankful for the successful future I’ll have with these passionate words.
I’m thankful for a better life ahead.
I’m thankful for life, love, family, and friends.
I may not have a lot of it, but I’m thankful for the little bit I’ve got.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
The Mighty Flower Grows
I hear the beating of the rain against my window.
The skies overcome with grey.
A lightening fear shakes the ground.
When the tears fall from the sky life can begin down below.
What I wouldn’t give to be a flower standing in the rain.
Mighty, powerful, and strong.
Breaking the surface to be free.
Facing the howling wind my roots keeping me grounded and brave.
From this darkness can I grow?
Grow to be mighty?
Grow to tower over my fears?
Or will the darkness of the clouds make me weary?
Sunlight fades away the grey.
Again I am mighty, powerful, and strong.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites
The skies overcome with grey.
A lightening fear shakes the ground.
When the tears fall from the sky life can begin down below.
What I wouldn’t give to be a flower standing in the rain.
Mighty, powerful, and strong.
Breaking the surface to be free.
Facing the howling wind my roots keeping me grounded and brave.
From this darkness can I grow?
Grow to be mighty?
Grow to tower over my fears?
Or will the darkness of the clouds make me weary?
Sunlight fades away the grey.
Again I am mighty, powerful, and strong.
-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites
Tragic Crush Tales #4
If you’ve read any of the lovey dovey type
poems I’ve posted as of late they are all about crush L. The only words I
can use to describe this man is: intelligent, caring, cool, laid back,
artistic, and the perfect match for me, truly.
I met him at my first job in Chicago back in 2009. When I first laid eyes on him I just knew he was someone I was going to click with. The romantic feelings didn’t start off right away. I still had an overwhelming feeling of nervousness because I’m in this big city by myself and hadn’t been there long, I was starting this job where most people had been for a long time, were a tight knit family, and I know I’m not the easiest person to get to know, and when I did start this job I was given a heads up that the store was closing in less than a year. With all of those feelings swirling in my head I had no time to stop and listen to my heart pitter-patter.
I quickly started to fit in and especially when months later a girl from another store came to work at ours. I instantly clicked with her, even though we were total opposites. By this time I had started looking at L in a different way. One day me and the girl were talking and she told me that she had liked L. They had known each other a while so I never said anything about my feelings. All my life I’ve only had one friend not go after a guy I liked and I’ll be damned if I do that to someone else. So from that moment on since L and I had the same interests, sort of the same attitude I started to call him my big brother. When I think about it the first time I called him that he looked kind of crushed. But I had to put that label out there to make my feelings subside so that I don’t make a move on my friends crush.
As months went on L and I got closer. Not in a romantic way, but in a sort of best friend way. I don’t have many people where I feel just opening up my soul too, but he was one of those people. He made me feel completely comfortable from the first conversation we had. There were a few times were after work we’d go walk and talk for what seemed like hours. A few times I’d be on the verge of tears because of whatever we were talking about and he would be the type of person to grab my hand and just listen. I never got any judgmental words from him let alone looks. I’d never gotten that feeling from any of my girlfriends let alone a guy.
One summer night we decided to meet up and go to this reggae club and no one else wanted to go with him. I really liked hanging out with him , but I was kind of nervous to go because he’s a real cool dude and I’m a black chick who can’t dance for shit. When we arrived everything was fine and fun, but he slowly started to get agitated that I wouldn’t dance. I’d try to do the minimal, but it seemed to annoy him that he kept trying to get me out of my shell and I refused to. We only stayed a few hours and I guess he got tired of watching me pretty much just stand around. When we left, I don’t know how it happened, but all of a sudden we were in a screaming match as we walked down the street. I don’t know if he felt like I ruined his good night or if he was upset that I didn’t let loose, but I do know we were literally screaming at each other. It was weird though, once we got on the bus we were mad at first then we kinda looked at each other and that anger was completely gone. Once we got downtown we decided to just keep the night going since the buses that would take us home all the way to the south side had long since stopped running for the night. We bar hopped a bit and then decided to go to the beach. We climbed onto the lifeguard stand and talked for hours until the sun rose. I couldn’t tell you what we talked about, but it was one of the best nights I had in Chicago. Honestly, I lived there for over 4 years and the only other awesome nights I had was seeing Paul McCartney for the first time, seeing U2 for the first time, and seeing Coldplay, RHCP, and Jack White at Lollapalooza. Still my night with L ranks above most of these events.
The only downside to my night with L is that the sexual tension was high and nothing happened. We did the most romantic thing in the world like watching the sunrise and absolutely nothing happened. I was torn. I didn’t know if his anger from earlier that night was because he liked me and didn’t know how to say it (because that’s definitely where my anger came from) or if he didn’t like me in that way at all. It could’ve been possible that he didn’t think I liked him in that way. Either way it was an opportunity lost.
Another opportunity happened when we went to see “Hot Tub Time Machine” after work one day. Afterwards we went for a walk and talked again for hours. At one point I could feel him lean in, but again nothing happened. I had even looked into his eyes, not backing away, and still nothing. In the back of my mind was always that my friend liked him and the only way I was going to act on anything is if he acted first, but we never got to that point.
By summer of 2010 I had found another job, which the girl who also liked L helped me get, in just enough time before this job closed shop. My new job worked me like a dog, so I barely had time for me let alone trying to keep in contact with other people. L and I would talk here and there and then slowly it turned into the occasional “Hello” or “Happy birthday” on Facebook. As of late he’s really been on my mind. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m at a point in my life where I want to settle down and build something with someone and when I think of the perfect mate it’s his face that pops up. I’ve tried talking with other men whom I do like, but in the end of the day it comes straight back to him. Just as in “Hot Tub Time Machine” I really believe he was my great white buffalo.
I know most of my Tragic Tales are about asshole exes and crushes in my life who had done me wrong in some way, but this is a different type of tragic. It’s tragic because perhaps we would’ve been great together. Perhaps we would have flourished. He very well may have been the one and I ran from that because I chose friendship over possible happiness. It’s even more tragic because to this day I’m still terrified to tell him how I feel. How do you tell a person you haven’t said much to in 3 years that you can’t stop thinking about them? The shy girl in me posts obscure statuses on Facebook hoping he’ll see and get the hidden meaning and say something. Most likely I know I’ll post this with that same foolish hope. I tell myself that if it’s meant to be it will be, but I know that there is no way he will ever know what is in my heart unless I actually tell him and I know that’s something I don’t have the courage to do. I don’t want to face the rejection of him telling me he’s with someone, or even worse, married, or even worse than that, him telling me he never saw me that way at all. As much as I think about him it’s a risk I should be taking, but it’s a risk I’m just not willing to take yet. Just another opportunity wasted.
I met him at my first job in Chicago back in 2009. When I first laid eyes on him I just knew he was someone I was going to click with. The romantic feelings didn’t start off right away. I still had an overwhelming feeling of nervousness because I’m in this big city by myself and hadn’t been there long, I was starting this job where most people had been for a long time, were a tight knit family, and I know I’m not the easiest person to get to know, and when I did start this job I was given a heads up that the store was closing in less than a year. With all of those feelings swirling in my head I had no time to stop and listen to my heart pitter-patter.
I quickly started to fit in and especially when months later a girl from another store came to work at ours. I instantly clicked with her, even though we were total opposites. By this time I had started looking at L in a different way. One day me and the girl were talking and she told me that she had liked L. They had known each other a while so I never said anything about my feelings. All my life I’ve only had one friend not go after a guy I liked and I’ll be damned if I do that to someone else. So from that moment on since L and I had the same interests, sort of the same attitude I started to call him my big brother. When I think about it the first time I called him that he looked kind of crushed. But I had to put that label out there to make my feelings subside so that I don’t make a move on my friends crush.
As months went on L and I got closer. Not in a romantic way, but in a sort of best friend way. I don’t have many people where I feel just opening up my soul too, but he was one of those people. He made me feel completely comfortable from the first conversation we had. There were a few times were after work we’d go walk and talk for what seemed like hours. A few times I’d be on the verge of tears because of whatever we were talking about and he would be the type of person to grab my hand and just listen. I never got any judgmental words from him let alone looks. I’d never gotten that feeling from any of my girlfriends let alone a guy.
One summer night we decided to meet up and go to this reggae club and no one else wanted to go with him. I really liked hanging out with him , but I was kind of nervous to go because he’s a real cool dude and I’m a black chick who can’t dance for shit. When we arrived everything was fine and fun, but he slowly started to get agitated that I wouldn’t dance. I’d try to do the minimal, but it seemed to annoy him that he kept trying to get me out of my shell and I refused to. We only stayed a few hours and I guess he got tired of watching me pretty much just stand around. When we left, I don’t know how it happened, but all of a sudden we were in a screaming match as we walked down the street. I don’t know if he felt like I ruined his good night or if he was upset that I didn’t let loose, but I do know we were literally screaming at each other. It was weird though, once we got on the bus we were mad at first then we kinda looked at each other and that anger was completely gone. Once we got downtown we decided to just keep the night going since the buses that would take us home all the way to the south side had long since stopped running for the night. We bar hopped a bit and then decided to go to the beach. We climbed onto the lifeguard stand and talked for hours until the sun rose. I couldn’t tell you what we talked about, but it was one of the best nights I had in Chicago. Honestly, I lived there for over 4 years and the only other awesome nights I had was seeing Paul McCartney for the first time, seeing U2 for the first time, and seeing Coldplay, RHCP, and Jack White at Lollapalooza. Still my night with L ranks above most of these events.
The only downside to my night with L is that the sexual tension was high and nothing happened. We did the most romantic thing in the world like watching the sunrise and absolutely nothing happened. I was torn. I didn’t know if his anger from earlier that night was because he liked me and didn’t know how to say it (because that’s definitely where my anger came from) or if he didn’t like me in that way at all. It could’ve been possible that he didn’t think I liked him in that way. Either way it was an opportunity lost.
Another opportunity happened when we went to see “Hot Tub Time Machine” after work one day. Afterwards we went for a walk and talked again for hours. At one point I could feel him lean in, but again nothing happened. I had even looked into his eyes, not backing away, and still nothing. In the back of my mind was always that my friend liked him and the only way I was going to act on anything is if he acted first, but we never got to that point.
By summer of 2010 I had found another job, which the girl who also liked L helped me get, in just enough time before this job closed shop. My new job worked me like a dog, so I barely had time for me let alone trying to keep in contact with other people. L and I would talk here and there and then slowly it turned into the occasional “Hello” or “Happy birthday” on Facebook. As of late he’s really been on my mind. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m at a point in my life where I want to settle down and build something with someone and when I think of the perfect mate it’s his face that pops up. I’ve tried talking with other men whom I do like, but in the end of the day it comes straight back to him. Just as in “Hot Tub Time Machine” I really believe he was my great white buffalo.
I know most of my Tragic Tales are about asshole exes and crushes in my life who had done me wrong in some way, but this is a different type of tragic. It’s tragic because perhaps we would’ve been great together. Perhaps we would have flourished. He very well may have been the one and I ran from that because I chose friendship over possible happiness. It’s even more tragic because to this day I’m still terrified to tell him how I feel. How do you tell a person you haven’t said much to in 3 years that you can’t stop thinking about them? The shy girl in me posts obscure statuses on Facebook hoping he’ll see and get the hidden meaning and say something. Most likely I know I’ll post this with that same foolish hope. I tell myself that if it’s meant to be it will be, but I know that there is no way he will ever know what is in my heart unless I actually tell him and I know that’s something I don’t have the courage to do. I don’t want to face the rejection of him telling me he’s with someone, or even worse, married, or even worse than that, him telling me he never saw me that way at all. As much as I think about him it’s a risk I should be taking, but it’s a risk I’m just not willing to take yet. Just another opportunity wasted.
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