The Weight of This Battle

There’s an never ending battle between me and my body.
Fat thighs and cellulite.
This dying need to be perfect.
I exercise obsessively.
1lbs.
2lbs.
3lbs.
4.
My mirror bullies me on a daily basis.
I try to avoid but it whispers “Look at me” so softly.
Disgusted at my reflection I tug at imperfections relentlessly.
I wish I were someone else.
5lbs.
6lbs.
7lbs.
8.
Snide remarks from those that love me.
I smile as though the words don’t cut too deep.
Side eyed from those who know nothing.
My thoughts reflect their stares.
9lbs.
10lbs.
11lbs.
12.
Sit ups.
Push ups.
Yoga.
Plank.
13lbs.
14lbs.
15lbs.
16.
I still feel ashamed of this body I’m trapped in.
Hoping one day I’ll wake up new.
Hoping that a thinner body will make me happy.
Most of all hoping that it will make someone love me.
17lbs.
18lbs.
19lbs.
20.
Jiggle and wobble.
Tug and lift.
Suck in and squeeze.
The war with my body continues.
21lbs.
22lbs.
23lbs.
24.
Food has officially become my #1 enemy.
No thanks on the seconds and actually no firsts.
My stomach roars to make itself heard.
I roar louder, “It was you who made me this way.”
25lbs.
26lbs
27lbs.
28.
I try to admire subtle successes.
My inner monologue gets the best of me.
"You’re still fat."
I agree.
29lbs.
30lbs.
31lbs.
32.
Body what is wrong with you?!
All this work and you still stay.
I grip my hips as though I can pull the fat away.
I just want to be new, I want to be pretty.
33lbs.
34lbs.
35lbs.
36.
The scale means everything and nothing all at once.
Mind and body starting to grow weak.
Keep pushing on no matter what.
Block out the thoughts because I CAN do this.
37lbs.
38lbs.
39lbs.
40.5.
Halfway to where I want to be.
Not happy with where I am.
I can only look forward to where I will be.
I can’t stop. I’ll never stop.


-Asia Aneka Anderson
Tumblr: AsiaWrites