It’s a little upsetting that in the year and a half that I’ve been in Ohio I’ve managed to hang out with a friend, who now lives in Philly, more than I have with “friends” who still live in Ohio. I know that I have to rethink my circle of friends, but it’s hard when you’ve felt like certain people played a major part in your life. I have continued to make room for people who I’m not sure wanted me around in the first place. When things are fun or everybody’s single, these people want to be my friends, but when real life happens I’m stuck dealing with it on my own and no one to talk too. I think I still call these people friends because I dive into my imagination and picture and bond that can’t be broken with them, but alas my imagination is quite cruel. It could be easy to say that I should voice my concerns, but quite honestly at 31 I don’t feel it’s necessary to have the “friendship talk”. Even by the age of 5 you should know how to be a good friend. In your late 20s it sounds ridiculous to me that I have to “bug” people when I’m in need of a shoulder to lean on. A true friend would recognize when a friend is hurting just the same as one would if you’re happy. Another reason I don’t speak out on it is because what I want to say sounds better in writing but even then things can get taken out of context. Again, I just don’t feel like trying and it’s probably best I move on. I have to tell myself that just because I’ve picked more than a few rotten eggs when it comes to friends, that I can’t put a guard up and prevent good people from getting in. My friend from Philly, has made me feel like there’s actually people out there that care about me. She may not know all that’s been going on with me, but her faith and encouragement has helped me a lot these past few months. She believes in my writing, which makes me believe in it again too. And sometimes I may feel upset when plans are broken between us, but I know that anger is not towards her, it’s towards the others who, over the years, have done nothing but break plans and leave me in the dark. So whether I want to or not, I have got to stop letting people enter my life and not take part in it and stupidly call them my “best friends”. Best friends don’t tell you they care, but never show it or repeatedly kick you when you’re down then play victim. I’m no saint, but I’d like to think I’m a little more loyal when it comes to my friends and family. I now have to step back and look at the situation before walking away entirely. I’m sorry that I may have been a little needy lately, and I’m more sorry that when I was needy all I had was me and that may be why I’m still broken in pieces. Sometimes it helps to have someone willing to help you put back the pieces.
-Asia Aneka Anderson