I don’t think I’ve felt more alone than I have in the past few years. I feel as though I hit my peak long ago, although it wasn’t a high peak, it’s better than nothing. I keep wondering what’s it’s all for. Why even keep going? I lived in Chicago for almost 5 years. I was alone. Honestly, I had never been to Chicago until I moved there. I did it on nothing but luck and willpower. I knew no one there, but met great people along the way. Still I had no one that I came home to, no one that was really close to me, and no family. I was properly alone there, but never felt as such. Now I’m trapped back in Ohio with family and supposed friends and I feel more alone than anything. I burst into tears without warning or cause. I can’t stand it. This constant feeling of wanting to completely give up is exhausting. I want to flee more than anything but there’s this overwhelming feeling of suffocation (and lack of funds). One day I want to pick up my things and just leave without saying a word. Most won’t realize I’m gone. My mom would notice and that’s honestly about it. I know people say things like that, but I mean it. No one but her would notice and even that would take a minute. I want to drop all contact from everyone and try my hand at being happy, not a slave to building someone else up, or the internet, or to society. I want nothing more to feel like I’m free. I felt that in Chicago. It wasn’t 100%, but it’s more freedom than I had ever felt in life. I don’t know how to function without it. Someone to talk to would help me cope with this sense of helplessness, but as I’ve stated a million times before once I returned all my friends vanished. Only one remains and just my luck, she no longer lives in Ohio. I know that this is only a hard time (that is lasting a hell of a lot longer than expected), and I’ll get up and get back to what will make me happy. At least I hope so because that future is starting to look a little blurry.

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