Inside My Creative Mind

Was Eric Dane Speaking to You, too?

You probably are already aware that actor Eric Dane has passed away from ALS a few days ago. The day after he passed there was an interview that was filmed by Netflix that was Eric's last words. The last words that he had for his daughters hit home for many reasons. The biggest takeaway for me was to live in the moment. He hit the nail on the head that a lot of us keep living in the past and are anxious about the "what ifs" of the future. I'm always envious of those who can be present in the present and nothing else. I've tried my best to do that for my son. To be present for him and with him and to hold on to these moments because he is growing every day. It's still hard to not linger in the past on what mistakes that I may have made in the past that may affect his future, or wonder where the path ahead may lead us. That future is both scary and exciting, but in the end, it is still in the future and should not worry me today.

The next biggest takeaway was his advice to fall in love with something, something that will bring you happiness and fulfillment. Once upon a time, my love was reading and writing. I'd love to go to the library with my parents and check out so many books. Even at a young age my go-to was history and biographies. I loved learning about my history and every iconic and important black person. I thirsted for knowledge. I loved to sit down and write until my hand got tired. I've been writing for as far back as I can remember. My imagination had no limits. I was in love with these two things until about my early 30s, and then there was an abrupt halt. Now my love for reading had dwindled far before that because my passion for writing had become bigger. We'd gone from short stories, poems, and haikus to wanting to write novels and even scripts. I had no time to sit down and indulge in someone else's story. One could say that depression is what killed my urge to write. How can I find love in writing when I don't want to be here in the first place? But because I had that love for so long, I still couldn't live without it, but I couldn't find the headspace, motivation, or creativity to actually do it. I still can't deny that, even though my love for it isn't as strong as it once was, it's still the one thing I feel that I do the best. I can and love to tell a story. I have so many stories that I think so many people would resonate with, and it would be a shame to not get over whatever my past carried and bring those stories to the forefront while I'm still here. Now my love for reading has returned and I've made a goal to read more and more books each year and that is a goal I've been able to accomplish and it has given me small bursts of motivation to continue to create my own.

Watching that interview was heartbreaking because, as a daddy's girl, I wonder what my father would have said if he'd been given the opportunity. There are so many conversations we never got to have as two adults, and I hate that. I wonder all the time what he'd have to say about my life right now. It will be 10 years, this year, since he's been gone. The self-loathing part of myself feels like I've done nothing with my life in the past decade. I know that is far from the truth. Since 2016 I have found meaningful love, I've brought life into this world, I have published a book, I have traveled, I've gotten my degree, and a host of other things. I can't say that these are nothing because these are all things that I wish he could have been here to enjoy with me. I have to live in the present and find the things I love because my dad is an example of living in the past and letting it crush you. We never got to have those talks to see if that was the case, but deep down in my gut I feel that it was. I don't think my dad felt like he was good enough. I think he defined himself by his mistakes, rather than seeing himself as a person who made mistakes. I don't want to run in that same path.

Overall, the message is that life is short. Use the time you have here to do the things that you love with the people that you love. Take risks and don't drag yourself to the depths of hell for every single mistake that you make. You'll make more as you go. That's what it means to be human. That is how we learn. We should see all the things that life has to offer. We shouldn't burden ourselves with things and people that bring us pain and no growth. Just live your life how you see fit. Be kind to yourself and to others.

By: Asia Aneka Anderson

I Want to Feel Something

I don't even know where to start. 2025 has definitely been my gloomiest year to date and I can't entirely explain why. I'm not sure if it's one thing, a multitude of things, the past rearing its ugly head, or thinking of my own mortality. I've been faced with things this year that have heightened my anxiety, but as I've (seemingly) worked through those things my mind is no longer focused on them, but my body has not gotten the memo. For instance, a few months ago my job dropped on us a new line of business to learn. The training was garbage and there was just too much to learn in a short amount of time and it was over. When we were placed back on the phones my anxiety was at an all time high. This was about two months ago. Now my mind isn't hyper focused on feeling like I don't know what I'm doing but throughout most of my workday I'm sick to my stomach.

Several things could be the culprit of my increasing anxiety. Bear with me while I list out things that my mind has more than likely made up in order to drive straight into Worryville. 1. The change in my job dumping that new line of business on us (did I also mention that we also didn't get a raise for more shit being piled on us? That brought anxiety, anger, and bitterness). 2. Suddenly realizing that I'm lacking in the friend department. I've never had a big group of friends, but definitely in the recent years that number has decreased a lot. Since having my son it breaks my heart that I don't have other mom friends. So what did my anxiety do? It made me reflect on past friendships that were, at the time, toxic and think "Was it really that bad?" "Don't you wish that person was still around?" "Don't you remember the good times?" Good thing I reminded myself that even though I do remember the good times I had with these individuals I left them behind for a reason. 3. Going to a mammogram appointment and getting the result of "uh-oh this doesn't look too great we better do another one." to "uh-oh that one wasn't great either so now we gotta jam a needle in your tit." The biopsy came out ok, but the damage and anxiety was already done. What helped push it over the edge? I had an aunt who passed away from cancer (not breast cancer) when I was about 8. My cousin, her child, was about 3 when she passed. Even though I was a kid I'll never get the image out of my head of being in the hospital room, with family, when doctors told her that her health was decling. She started crying and pointed to her daughter and said "But what about my baby?" My son will be 3 in a few months. When I got that first result that the mammogram wasn't clear that image played over and over in my head.... "What about my baby?". That brings me to my 4th reason. All of this anxiety is weighing on me physically. I've been to the ER and urgent care more times than I can count this year and it's only June. From the trouble breathing, the back pain that will NOT go away, constant headaches, lower abdominal pain that's going on for a month now. The list goes on and on. Now 6 is just my standard self loathing, but this year I feels amplified. I feel like maybe I'm just the ball of negativity that keeps waiting for positive outcomes, but they're not coming because I don't deserve it or they are happening and I'm just too negative to fucking see it. I feel like a shitty mom. I yell out of frustration sometimes and I know I shouldn't, he probably gets more screen time than is probably necessary, and I feel like I'm a helicopter parent or a "just do whatever you'll be fine" and lets him do whatever. There's no in between. I just don't feel like I'm doing anything right in the mom zone. I'm a shitty writer. Can I even call myself that? I don't even feel like I have anything worth saying anymore. I don't have the energy or attention span to write. When I do I feel like I'm writing the same shit over and over. I'm a shitty partner. I don't put in the effort to show affection. It's not on purpose, but it feels like the part of me that makes me the lover, the friend, the employee, etc got shut off when my son was born. I know I can't go back to who I was before I was a mom, but I can't see to get to just ME. I feel like im a shitty daughter. Not talking about my relationship with my mom, but with my dad. Next week it'll be 9 years since he's been gone. I don't know if my anxiety and emotions that have been amped up the past week or so (for instance now we're at random crying spells with no trigger or warning) is because that date is coming up or from everything listed above... or hell, everything. I feel and have always felt I have no right to grieve. I was terrible to him those last few years. Yeah it was because I was frustrated with the choices he made in life, but deep down I knew my dad's heart and knew that he let this thing.. drugs.. take over. I didn't give him grace. He needed grace and I gave him coldness.

My drive for anything is at a zero. I have no passion to write, I don't want to drain myself working, I am exhausted, and I feel like I'm at a dead end. I just want to feel some sort of joy. I want to be excited about something. Now, I have reached out to my former therapist so I've already got that scheduled. I knew I had to do something when I started to feel the urge to cry for no reason. I need to find a place where I feel like I'm enough, where I feel inspired, happy, and enthusiastic. I'm hoping I get there soon. I can no longer take feeling like im drowning and that im working towards nothing.

Thank you for reading the jumble or words. It means more than you know.

Dear Customer: We Should Be Speaking the Same Language

As you know, working in customer service is the thing of nightmares. It's where humanity goes to die. It's where stupidity gets it's superpowers from. It's where entitlement, no matter the race, class, gender, etc goes and breeds like fucking rabbits.

It's awful, ok??

As a black woman, one of the things I hate is a black Karen. Hear me out. I know, also, as a black woman, how we go ignored, get no empathy, and are just kind of tossed aside. Whenever I come across a customer who's a black woman, I give undivided attention. That is not saying that I'm not with everyone, but again I know what it's like so I know where they're coming from and I know what is needed to be said/ done in certain situations to let the women, who look like me, know that I am listening and I'm doing everything I can to fix the situation if not make it somewhat better.

I say all that to talk about a conversation I had the other day with a customer who was actually kind of an entitled asshole. It was the same ol topic that I get 99 times a day about bills increasing, prices being high, etc etc. The common thing for a customer to say is "My bill keeps going up and I'm never notified." WRONG. It's on your bill beforehand. You just have to read that fucker every once in a while. This woman would not let me talk and pretty much went full on Karen. It pissed me off because black woman to black woman how dare you disrespect me and talk over me when I'm paid to help you. It made me mad because I had so many suggestions to try and help her out to get a decent deal and she shut me down every time I even opened my mouth. "I don't even know why you're talking. I would've gotten a supervisor by now." Kept tooting her horn that she was a dispatcher. I'm not sure who for. Assholes R' Us?? Then to go back and see that the supervisor that she spoke with told her all the things I was going to go over. So she got nothing accomplished, probably no empathy, and still a high bill.

Not to go into politics, but I know another reason this call rubbed be the wrong way is with the state of the world now and as the quote from Malcolm X goes "The most un-protected person in America is the black woman. The most neglected person in America is the black woman." I sometimes don't feel the camaraderie and that breaks my heart. If we don't have each other, who will? If we tear down each other, that gives everyone else permission to do so as well.

I try not to let calls get to me. Most of the calls are super redundant, but when I have calls like this that escalate for no reason and I'm not even given the respect or space to talk then what was even the reason for you to call? What is the point of you being an asshole to someone who is polite? It takes far less energy to be a nice person. You gain absolutely nothing from being a jerk yet so many people are. Make that make sense to me.

- Asia Aneka Anderson

Dear Customer

So to get myself hype on continuing to write my book about how customers suck I think I'm going to start a writing series called "Dear Customer". The people I talk with daily... Bless their hearts. That's all I can say. The general public is something else to say the least. I'm hoping for little insights to calls to interactions with some of the absolute worst os nuttiest.

Identity Crisis

Lately, I've been thinking, and maybe my mom or my 40-year-plus followers can relate, that after a major life change it's hard to get back to who you are... or were. Then there's the question of whether there's an old you that even still exists. I love being a mom and my son is the best thing to happen to me, but as he gets older and becoming his little independent stubborn toddler self, it gives me freedom to reclaim parts of my old self.

..... But who is that?

It's no secret that we 80s babies are some of the most nostalgic out there. We long for our Saturday morning cartoons, arcades, and a time before, or on the cusp of, social media. I'm not sure if it's because our pop culture was the best (admit that it was) or because it was the last time we felt safe since a lot of us were entering adulthood as shit hit the fan. I graduated in the summer of 2001. We all know what happened that fall and the world changed forever. Hooray, welcome to adulthood!! Here's war, fear, and don't worry, as soon as you try to get on your feet, here's a recession around the corner. You know, to spice shit up a little.

I try to think back on the things that brought me some peace and happiness, and I legit can't remember the last time I felt absolute joy and freedom in the hobbies/ activities I loved, and when I do I feel guilty about it. Why guilt? There's a few reasons, actually. One being, some of these memories are attached to people who are no longer in my life. Unfortunately, scrubbing some of these people from my life also wiped away fond memories or tainted those memories with the realization that those people were actually harmful and not interested in being a positive confidant for me. I can think back on seeing some of my favorite bands with my, then, best friend, but I also have to remember how this person, low- key, made me feel like one of her token black friends.

Another major reason is cancel culture. Excuse me for a moment while I rant. We live in a time where everyone gets canceled for every mistake. Don't get me wrong. People need to be held accountable for things they've done/said wrong. It's the society not giving people space to correct their mistakes and redeem themselves that get me. How can people grow if you still condemn them for things they're trying to correct. I can't imagine being some immature 13 year old tweeting something dumb for likes and retweets only to have someone dig it up 15 years later to end my career. Like what is that? Ok, end of rant. The reason that cancel culture makes me feel guilty is because a lot of the art, music, movies, etc that I (and most likely a lot of other people) enjoyed are by people who society has "canceled". I don't want to hear someone's think piece just because they heard me play Kanye's first album. We can all agree that he's a problematic mess now ( and that's being polite about it), but come on... it's College Dropout Kanye. Let me live. I think back on how I love(d) to listen to music; all genres. I enjoy(ed) concerts, traveling, movies, festivals, etc., and because of the world we live in, now, I feel like I have to reevaluate all of that. My biggest love, as a preteen, was The Beatles. It's been years since I've listened to them because now I have to look at the fact that John Lennon was an abuser. Name any rocker from the 70s and chances are they groomed their fair share of underage groupies. All of these things are terrible and unfortunately a lot of these things were a product of their time and those rockers made some really good music. Even still a lot of the sexual and overall abuse was horrid and it puts the audience in an awkward spot. I can listen to James Brown and know that he did a lot for the civil rights movement and for our people and still at the same time hope that he is in the hot place for the pain he inflicted on Tammi Terrell, let alone all the other women he abused.

The final major reason is now the threat of realizing our own mortality. How can you capture the things that made you happy when you were younger, when the artists that you loved growing up are all dropping like flies? We can't even watch a Marvel movie without feeling a tiny pang in your heart whenever Stan Lee does a cameo.. or a recent one and know that there won't be one. There's an extra bit of sadness if you turn on an oldies radio station and Purple Rain starts to play. The social media posts that pop up on the anniversary of Aaliyah's death, Chadwick Boseman's birthday, or where were you when you heard Michael Jackson died are enough to make you realize that some of these people never got to see the age that you are now. It makes you realize that we're all getting older and that life is short, but hell, how do you live out the rest of it now that my youth is gone?

We go through many life changes. There's our childhood, where many of us felt safe and everything was new and magical. There comes our teenage years, where hormones turn you every which way but loose, you're trying to find out who you are while at the same time facing the anxiety of becoming an adult. Then there's adulthood. Adulthood has many different roads. For most, one of those definite roads leads to working all the fucking time. You add a relationship and kids to the mix, then where does you, the individual, go? Maybe because my son is only 2 1/2 that I don't entirely see the light at the end of the tunnel of getting back to my creative, somewhat carefree self. I feel guilty that I want to go to a concert, when I could use that money on something for him. Or feeling like a jerk because mama would love to go lay on someone's massage table, but my mom already watches him four days a week while we work. I can't possibly ask her to do it for a fifth even though I know she won't mind. He's 2 1/2 and I can count on 1 hand how many date nights my boyfriend and I have had since he's been born. So not only where did I, the individual, go, but where did mt boyfriend and I go as a unit?

I'm looking forward to the day when I find out who post mom Asia is. I hope she's freer and holds onto her youth while not trying to completely recreate it. I really want to create all sorts of fun adventures not just for me, but for my whole family. I made a promise on the day my son was born that each year we'll travel somewhere. I want him to get a thirst for life early because I didn't get to do that when I was young. I don't want to keep him sheltered like I was. As I feel freer, I want my son to always feel that throughout his entire life. Even though I don't know who I am in this moment I do hope that, as I do for everyone, that I'm ever-changing, ever-learning, ever-growing.

- Asia Aneka Anderson

I Am Alive... I Swear

When I last left you guys I just had my son. He's the coolest two-and-a-half-year-old you could ever meet. To say the least, he's kept me busy. Between him, work, and a social life it has been busy. Not only has it been busy, but the motivation to write is essentially nil. If you add in the fact that I'm my own worst enemy then you have the recipe as to why there's no new work or projects in the works. For a while I was putting together a compilation of poetry to publish to get one more small work out of the way before I completed and started the publishing process on my first novel. That never happened. There was endless editing and then telling myself that I needed new poems to add to give life to poems that I've had for ages. Then when it came to my novel there was edit after edit after edit and it still didn't/ doesn't feel complete enough for me. Now I know that's just my perfectionism sinking her teeth in, but I will never abandon the novel that I did finally finish. I put so much time and my heart into it and it will see the light of day. I just need to stop getting in my own way.

What has insipired me to make this post tonight is that I actually have another book in the works. This one is more non-fiction/ humor and along the lines of poking fun of customer service... mainly the customer side of customer service. After being in this field for more than 20 years I've got more than enough stories to tell. My boyfriend, who is my biggest cheerleader, has helped me brainstorm on how to make more of this project. I've mentioned to him that outside of this book I'd like to either build another blog or social media account to sort of promote it (when it's time) of quotes of some of the most outlandish or dumbest things people have said to me other the years. My only concern about that is, in the world of the internet, you have so many people who steal others work and repost it as their own and I didn't want the build of of my next book to go out like that. He suggested Patreon. I now of the platform, but have never dabbled with it, but that may be my next venture. Along with this book and the lead up to it, I had also thought about possibly a podcast or additional YouTube channel that talks about the horrors of customer service/ retail. I could literally talk for hours out the entitlement and ridiculousness of most people.

I hope to be more active in 2025. The world is shit right now so may as well create some art, spend time with my beautiful family, make money, and do more of what makes me happy. I hope you all are doing the same.

Until next time!!!

- Asia Aneka Anderson

The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: Call Me If You Need Me

That's a phrase we've all muttered before and heard from someone close to us. "Call me if you need me." I've come to realize, as I get older, that this phrase is just said to keep up appearances or something to embellish sympathy. If a loved one of someone close to you dies it's almost second nature to say "Call me if you need me" without holding onto the promise that you'll be available and also with full knowledge that the person you've said this to will feel like too much of a burden to even bother with your request.

My son just turned a month old a few days ago. Most days are great and exciting, but when the days are bad they are really bad. What amplifies those bad days are looking at an empty phone and noticing that after about two weeks those "How are you and baby doing?" texts have almost completely stopped, with the exception of my mom. I have to hand it to her that she reaches out every day. It makes me wonder where is everyone else, but then I know that this is also something that is not new. I look back on when I lost my home in Chicago and had to come back to Dayton. Where was everyone? When my dad died my friends were scarce. When I miscarried twice there was nobody there. When I was laid up in a hospital bed for 46 days, waiting for my son to be born, majority of people were nowhere to be found. Now with my son here we are again. People think that a few likes on his pics will suffice or sending a onesie in the mail is enough. No. Where. Are. You? They say it takes a village to raise a child, but what do you do when your village is already small and with that small village I have to be the one who has to keep connections going because if I don't the texts dry up and even then they still do anyways. It's easy for people to say to reach out if I need anything, but unless it's nothing major I'm not going to be that person constantly reaching out because I need 10 minutes to myself or a nap. In the end, just someone's name popping up on my phone with the message "Are you ok?" would be enough, but I can't even get that.

I do realize that a lot of this feeling lands on my shoulders. I expect others to see me drowning because, to me, I am visably crashing and burning, while others might think it looks like I have it together. The other is, the main reason adult friendships diminish, which is that life gets in the way. People have to work, have kids or other family they look after, school, errands, etc and sometimes things get thrown to wind especially if they don't see them as important. I do understand these things, but even then all of this, for me, gets thrown out the window when I see that I'm ALWAYS overlooked. It adds extra stress to me because as my maternity leave winds down I know I should get busy on looking for another job or make arrangements with my current one so that I can still be around to watch my son, if my village seems to be a little unreliable.

I try by taking parenting classes and reaching out to other moms. Even the other moms that are in my life have almost completely ignored me (one I even told I desperately needed mom friends and I haven't heard back since) which makes me close in on myself when it comes to building friendships with other moms I don't know through these classes.

Moral of the story is it doesn't pay to be loyal in friendships that seem to have run their course, and it's ok to admit when some relationships have run their course. It also doesn't benefit growing up as the black sheep and letting that persona bleed over into every other relationship. Just because I'm the black sheep in my family doesn't mean that I have to be that in my friendship circles, but that way of carrying myself followed me everywhere. It became a part of me.

So I march on with mommyhood. Still the mpost challenging and rewarding job I've had so far. As soul crushing as it has been, sometimes, I would not change a single thing.

The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: Not For the Weak

Here I am a little more than two weeks into motherhood. I had no idea what I was expecting when it came to day to day with a newborn. The only intention I had was to be an understanding mom who practiced gentle parenting in order to raise a compassionate human being, but that's in the future. It's the newborn phase I wasn't prepared for and I am fighting for my life.

I didn't expect to feel extreme happiness one minute and extreme sadness the next. There is no in between. I find myself weeping because I can't believe this beautiful sweet little boy came from me and I find myself weeping because I'm so exhausted and frustrated and because of those emotions I dive into the deep end of mom guilt and my mind tries to convince me that I'm a shit mom. From day one when I had a hard time getting him to breastfeed, I felt I obviously had to be the issue because what mom can't breastfeed her baby like nature intended? I must be awful, right? It can't be that hormones threw my body out of whack and both me and baby are new at this. I beat myself up about that a lot in the very beginning. Not only because I felt like it should be natural, or that maybe he didn't want to bond with me, but also because there's so much shaming that goes against moms who formula feed and I desperately did not want to add to that, as if it was something I could control and as if my baby being fed should have been the priority.

I've cried more in these past two weeks than I ever have in my entire life. I want to sit back and enjoy these moments, but instead I'm becoming detached and annoyed. Baby doesn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve a mom that's frustrated and sad. Most days are good, but it's those few that make me feel horrible. I deal with these days of mostly him and I alone and wonder why I can't be better. Then you add in words from others in my ear who said having kids isn't something I should do. Then I feel lonely and wonder if they were right. I said previously that my pregnancy was a lonely, by being in the hospital for nearly two months, but I had no idea parenthood would be the same if not moreso lonely.

You take all of these feelings of feeling like a crap mom and double them by feeling like a horrible partner. I have been in trauma mode since 20 weeks pregnant when I was diagnosed with vasa previa. That was 17 weeks (my c section was at 37 weeks) of knowing that at any point I could lose baby. Intercourse off the table, feeling sexy, or even tending to my partner's needs out the window. Now that the big bump is behind us it's almost like learning each other all over again, but you have this other person that puts a little bit of a stall on that. So what does my mind do? Try to convince me that my partner should go elsewhere. No one wants someone who looks like a slob all day, always sad, and chronically exhausted. Who would roll over in bed and think the former shell of a person they loved is attractive and the one they want. I then let myself get more lonely, more overwhelmed, and angry.

I know all this is momentary. This hardship will pass. Some things may be broken. Other bonds may become stronger. All I know is that every time I look in my little boys eyes or hear the little noises he makes my heart swells. All the shit we went through to get him here was a million and one percent worth it. I couldn't ask for anything more and he is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. I can't wait to see his little personality shine through even more because he's got such a big one already. I never thought I'd be a mom, and I'm still determined to be the best one for him. My little man deserves that and nothing, but the best.

A Look Inside My Creative Mind: The Mom I Want to Be

In my latest video, I wanted to talk about the opposite that I did in my previous. I wanted to talk about the parent that I hope to be to my son. He will be here in a matter of hours at the moment and I can't wait to practice everything that I wish to and to be the gentle, encouraging, and loving parent I desire to be. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe.

A Look Inside My Creative Mind: Toxic Parenting

My latest video that I uploaded a few days ago is all about toxic parenting. With this video I didn't want to go too deep in depth about personal situations, at least for now, but becoming a parent myself it made me think of some of the things I had to deal with growing up as well as what I still deal with today. Some more videos on the topic may come up in the future, especially after I have my little one and get a taste of parenthood myself. Thank you all for tuning into my content. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe.

Mommy's Baby

I hesitated writing anything. In all honesty, I haven't had much of the motivation to write about this or anything, for that matter. We are now in the final countdown and you'll be with us soon, little man. Less than a month to go. People keep asking me if I'm excited or if I'm ready. I haven't had a way to answer that question. Since your dad and I have gone through two losses I'm just laser-focused on the finish line. Am I excited? Yes. Am I ready? I don't know, but I know that is a typical answer for first-time parents. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to see you through ultrasounds, especially when you FINALLY decided to give a glimpse of your squishy little face. I still giggle when you move around. I just think it is the coolest thing in the world. You kick me and I poke you back and repeat. Just like your mom always wanting to get the last word already. Your dad and I can't wait for the next step in our journey and including you in it. You're the little boy we both wanted.

But baby boy, your mama is still scared. Halfway through you growing in my belly we were told that I had a condition that could be fatal for you if you tried to make a surprise early entrance. As much as I wanted you to be born on the grandfather's birthday, that you'll be named after, I still didn't want anything bad to happen to you or lose you. Again even though that has been a constant in the front of my mind I still find ways to block it out and stay focused on poking at you when you kick me and me laughing when you do it back. I sit right now in a hospital room that I have been sitting in for the past three weeks and hopefully will be here for another three more until I get to see your little face. Although I am bored and sometimes sad cause mommy is alone the end goal is all worth it for you, kid.

I want to make you all of the promises, but mommy is human. Mommy will make mistakes. I hope in those mistakes that mommy takes the time to correct herself and apologize to you. I hope, by me, you feel encouraged. It means nothing more to me to see you be a kid, gain your independence, to feel free, and to help you reach whatever goals you want and whatever makes you happy. I want you to have the opportunities I didn't in getting to be your natural self and be proud of you. I'm already so proud of you. You have made it this far, you are beating the odds, and you just keep striving. Mommy is so stinking proud of you and you aren't even here yet. I can't wait to teach you things, read to you, play games, teach you how to cook, help you with homework (except math. I'm so sorry, boo, but mommy can't help you with that one, but I got folks that can), and everything else under the sun. The sky is the limit for you and I hope that your dad and I can make it so. For you to have balance and stability means everything to me. You deserve that and more.

Baby boy there's a million more things that I can say to you, but, surprisingly, your mommy doesn't have all the words to express it. All I can do right now is enjoy these last few moments where we are right now and bond with you as you roll around in my tummy. I want to take in every single moment of this. It truly went too fast as I'm scared the rest of life will go. Can we both make a promise? Let's both promise that as time goes on and as we both grow older that we will often take time to hold on to moments and not let them pass us by. I hope that I am a good mommy to you and I am forever grateful that you decided to make me your mommy. Your dad and I truly believe that you were the baby that came to us twice before and that just maybe you weren't ready before. We're more than happy that you decided to come back to us and that you did it when you, and frankly, all of us were ready. Get ready to say hello to the world, little man, but please stay in just a little bit longer. The best things take time. We love you, wiggle worm.

A Look Inside My Creative Mind: Customer Service Nightmares pt 2

For the latest video that I have uploaded I continue with part two of my Customer Service nightmares video. In this video I am looking at the company aspect of customer service. The things where companies give both customers and employees the short of the stick and how they show how little they really care about both. I can see myself in the future making more videos in this series since I know that there are sooooo many of us who deal with the craziness that is customer service each and every day. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe.

A Look Inside My Creative Mind: Customer Service Nightmares

In my most recent video I could have, honestly, gone on and on. Customer service is a monster. It truly is. Anyone who works with the public, I think, deserves a medal. It takes so much patience that only other people who have been/ are there can understand. This is a little lengthy, but all of you who have dealt with customer service probably understand the struggle. This will most likely be a two-parter. In this video I discuss the difficulties with customers when it comes to these types of jobs. For my next one I want to talk about the company side and how employees are very underappreciated, as well as customers, honestly. It's not just the customers who make customer service jobs hell, it's also the people who run the show. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe.

A Look Inside My Creative Mind: I'm Published

In my latest video I introduce my first published piece that you can still find here. I'm still really super excited for my book and cannot wait until I can get my next one out there for you guys. I also want to break down other things going on in my life currently. So please, take a look, like, share, and subscribe. I appreciate all of your support.

I Did It! I'm Published!

Hello, everyone!

I finally have my first book published. It is a short story called Last Words. It was a story I wrote shortly after the death of my father in 2016. It's about a girl who is at the funeral of her father and wished that she had the opportunity to have just one last conversation with him. I think that is something that we can all relate to. There's never enough time with our loved ones and we never want to say goodbye in the first place, but when we do it would be comforting to get that one last talk. We hardly ever get that. Some of us are lucky to, but the majority are caught off guard and thrust into a life without that person and left with more questions than answers.

I will say that I honestly battled with wanting to publish this story. I thought, for the longest, maybe I'll start off this journey with publishing a poetry book, then on to my novels. I didn't shy away from it because of how close the story is to my heart. I shied away from it because I didn't think anyone would pay money for a short story that's only a few pages and with no major climax. Then recently, while I'm currently carrying my double rainbow baby, I started thinking of the relationship my child will miss out on with their grandfathers (both have passed). Then I thought about how rough these past few years have been. There's probably not a single person on this planet that has not been affected by Covid. Whether, you lost a relative, a friend, a coworker, a classmate, a mentor, etc. Covid has had an impact on us individually. Then I thought about the younger kids, who may have lost a parent, a sibling, or a grandparent. A story like this can help them, or anyone, walk through that grief process. It's a journey we all have to walk and to know that we never walk it alone and we all have similar feelings, even though we process grief differently, it makes it just that tiny bit easier.

I hope you pick up a copy and I hope it helps in some way if you are dealing with the loss of a loved one. Just know that person is there with you always. They are a part of you. My dad is a part of me. He always will be. He will be a part of my child. I know he is proud of me and he would enjoy this story very much. It was my way to say goodbye and my last hug to him. I miss him every sing day.

Thank you to everyone who has shown me so much love and support. You guys have been amazing and you've made me feel like a professional. You've made me feel like a writer is what I'm supposed to be. It's more than me just wanting this career and wanting this life you made me feel like I deserve it and that I speak to you on another level through my words. I try and more than anything I'm glad that I never stopped.

Last Words is available on E-book and in print. Just click the link and it will take you directly to the listing on Amazon. Again, thank you so so much

Book in Progress

Last week on Instagram I asked my friends and followers which cover they thought would go well with a girl coping with the loss of her father. It was almost neck and neck with the last 2. Honestly those are the 2 I'm torn between as well. The last one does speak a little more about the topic at hand, but the one with the moon gives me the feeling of death while the last one gives the feeling of family. Depending on your perspective they both work. The last one is winning out, but I'm still weighing pros and cons. Silly me also didn't even think that Amazon would have covers as well. Maybe there I can find something that speaks to both the family and death looming aspect of the story. Then there's also finding the small print on how to give credit to the person whose artwork it is whether I use Amazon's creation or one of these I've edited on Canva. The search continues...

A Look Inside My Creative Mind: Unexpected Grief

In my latest video, I wanted to discuss my previous and most recent losses due to miscarriages. I wanted to start a conversation around this topic and keep it open and honest. I don't want anyone else going through this to feel as lost as I did.

The Ramblings Inside my Creative Mind: Once You've Seen One Black Sheep ...

Are you there, blog? It's me, Asia. It's been more than a little while and I have no excuses for you. There is no excuse for not keeping up here or with my creativity in general. I do come to you today with another post pulling back the layers of myself.

It gets tiresome to be the forgotten. As you can see that even I, myself, can forget me just as so many others do. That's been my life for as long as I can remember. "Oh, sorry we forgot" could very well be my middle name with as many times as I've heard it. That has had a profound effect on my realtionships, especially when it comes to family. Friends come and go and it's a little easier to go your separate ways than it would be with family. It gets tricky to part ways when you feel like you don't belong, are frequently forgotten about, or abandonded.

Summer has come to an end and fall has been pretty warm so far, but that's not saying much when you're still in the middle of a pandemic. Things have been a little more lax this year and some have gone back to normal and most of us are still a little more cautious. With that been said, on my father's side my family had a family reunion for the 4th of July. I was fortuante enough to find out once the pics were posted to social media after the fact. Whether or not I would have gone is unknown and will never be known since I wasn't even given a chance to accept or decline and invite. I've tried to go ever since my father passed. He died two weeks before the reunion in the year he passed and I really wanted ro go since he had his heart set on that one after missing many the years prior due to his health. I did it that year for him and every year since. This year would've been the first reunion without my uncle who passed last year. He was the one who, in my opinion, kept the family together. Now it could be that I was overlooked. My uncle was usually the main one to organize the reunions so it was new to the family members that set this one up. Or it could be that someone thought "She hasn't come out to anything else this year so she won't show up." Either excuse that it may be hurts either way. It's either that I was completely not thought of at all or someone thought that it wasn't worth the effort. It makes me reflect on why I'm always the forgotten one and how can I change that, whether it be to change a few things within myself or cut loose people who don't want me around anyways.

When it comes to family that answer is easy. Growing up I was always taken to be around my mother's family so I really I didn't really have the opportunity to develop a bond from childhood with my dad's family. I'm the oddball out anytime I'm around that side of my family, but still feel all the love from my aunts and uncles no matter what. When it comes to my mom's side it all boiled down to vanity, in my opinion. I was the nerdy one who kept to herself and liked creative things. I think around a family of mostly women who cared more about beauty over brains nobody knew what to do with me. I'd be left out of things, poked fun at, and ultimately became the strong black sheep that I am today.

I was often jealous, growing up, of my my cousins who had my grandmother's sister as their grandmother because I saw how she interacted with them. She encouraged them and joked with them not AT them. Overall, she seemed easier to love and open up to. That's not to say they weren't riddled with their own issues like everyone else, but I never got the feeling like my cousins felt left out, judged, abandonded, or ridiculed. They had the relationship with her that was what you would see on a family sitcom where at the end of the 30 minutes the grandmother would hug her grandchild, tell them how much she loved them and that she'll always be there when needed. I wanted that, but I wasn't fortunate to feel that loved.

When it comes to being forgotten by friends it boils down to family. My mom's family had a habit of promising activies with my cousins and I and I wait and wait only to later find out that my cousins were taken out and I was left behind waiting. Now this did not happen all of the time, but enough to leave a permanent sting that, to this day, still impacts my current relationships with friends. I have two extremes. If I make plans with a friend I'll either badger them on if they're sure they want to go to whatever we have planned. Just needing that constant reassurance that they won't flake out. The other extreme is I'll cancel because I assume that the other person will. Might as well beat them to the punch.

The methods I have been trying to take in not being forgotten that involve my own changed behavior is I've been attempting to be more engaging, as much as I can since I am still very shy. Meeting new people (as comfortably as I can with Covid and all) and overall be present. The changes I can make outside of myself is to cut out those who add nothing to my life. For example, I had a friend who would have me as, what I like to call, the "trauma friend". I'd only be reached out to, for the most part, if she had something traumatic going on. Parents made her feel shitty, husband wasn't engaging with their son, problems with the in-laws, etc? I was on speed dial/text. Something fun happens like a girls night or a lunch date with friends I'd only see the pics posted on social media. I'd hardly get invited to things like this unless the friends or coworkers of her's we were around were dressed down, but to the outings where everyone was dressed to the nines with their hair and makeup done, I was never included. Then when it cames down to issues I would endure I'd get cut short. That friendship got left in 2020. Other's like it got left behind as well. I'm not someone's part time friend or that's only your friend when it's convenient, especially if we consider each other best friends. Same goes for family. I am not a blood is thicker than water type of person. I cannot let bad behavior slide just because we are related and I damn sure can't stick around if I voice that a certain behavior is toxic and you still continue to do it.

I embrace being the black sheep because in some ways it has made me who I am today. I have the ability to be self aware because of it. I have been able to take that which has hurt me an turn it into tools to learn from so that I do not act with the same behavior. The last thing I would want to do is make someone feel forgotten or unloved. I am human and I know there are times where I screw up as well. The point is to learn from that and to correct it and not make it an ongoing acceptable behavior.

Until next time my fellow black sheep

-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2021 (c)

The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: Born or Made Leader

Here we are in another year and in another job that I'm rapidly starting to despise. I hate it here. I started this job in January of 2020 after leaving a retail pharmacy job. Shortly after finishing training the world exploded. The beginning wasn't so bad. I enjoyed the fact that I genuinely enjoyed the company of everyone in my training class. I haven't felt closeness like that in a job setting for more than 10 years. Getting paid more than my previous job and better insurance didn't hurt either, but after close to a year things started to shift. The workload started to get much more than the compensation was worth. We're talking about doing tasks, that any normal job, you'd most likely need a degree or, at least, a certificate for. Then there came the feeling that is my crux at any job I've ever had, which is running into issues that I can fully see, but not be able to do anything about. I can't stand it, even though that is life. I listen to people all the time who talk about how they hate working with our company and all I can do is shrug and apologize because there's not much else I can do. I watch our company cut corners and jobs to save a buck and that's the issue that's getting worse as time goes on. Leaving my coworkers and I wondering if our jobs will be outsourced since new micromanaging policies seem to leave us stuck in a corner staring at possibly firing or pushed to just quit. I will say that I that this job for being just what I needed as Covid took over the world, because at my previous job this pandemic would have put me in a very vulnerable spot.

But this post isn't about my shitty jobs, which I seem to be good at picking. No, this post is about something I just realized about myself recently. That discovery is that I flourish in leadership roles. I was never meant to be in a position where I'm at the bottom of the food chain. The reason I've never realized that and, a lot of times, backed away from the kind of role is because I've been told all of my life that I am a follower. I remember being told that from a very young age by my parents and I believed it. So I stayed in the shadows and followed rules and was comfortable there. It wasn't until I was promoted with the job that I had last year that I thought it was even something that I could do. I enjoyed being a supervisor and advocating for my coworkers the best I could. I pay close attention to detail and have a strong mind for equality and justice. I know those last two have no room in a capitalistic world, but that doesn't stop me from trying. To add to that, as I was finishing up my final semesters at school I had several of my professors tell me that I'd be a great teacher. Being a teacher isn't something I've thought about since I was a kid and people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up. That isn't necessarily a leadership role, but it does give me a platform and a role to make a difference and that is also something I seek out of life.

I am a creator. Creators are leaders. I hate that I allowed myself to be watered down instead of nurtured into being a person who could create paths versus walk down someone else's. I'm already powerful in my words and strong in my influence. The only next step is to have that all backed by confidence. In recent weeks I've been thinking strongly about going back to school and continuing with my creative writing degree and adding education or lit into the mix. It would be an honor to help people pave their own path. I don't care if that's in a management role, a teacher role, or a businesswoman role, but that's where my heart is and has been all this time.

So excuse me while I try to figure out this next chapter in my journey. The next level of bettering myself and my future. It's never too late to discover new things about yourself. Most importantly it's never too late to tell yourself that you don't have to be in a spot forever. I know we all have bills and other responsibilities, but that doesn't mean that you have to sacrifice happiness and growth. Never do that. I never will.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2021(c)

The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: Even the Quiet Girl Did It

I write this as I scroll through my secret second Twitter account deleting all of my tweets and RTs advertising promos and enticing men and women alike to check out the content that I had to offer. I present my 40I tits and ass shots from flattering angles. Seems like forever ago when I was in the thick of it, but then again 2020 had a way of making four months feel like four score and seven years ago.

First things first. I honestly joined OnlyFans because someone close to me had joined and it triggered my competitive side. I thought to myself "I can do that and get more subscribers than you", and you know what? I totally did. Once that feeling was fulfilled I stayed because there was an overwhelming feeling of empowerment. I felt that to be a bit strange because I'm so uncomfortable in my body and have horrible body image issues, but somehow taking these pictures and posting them for others to see made me feel beautiful and in total control of my body. To also get that validation from others felt great as well. It did boost the ego. I also felt like OnlyFans opened up a new level of intimacy between me and my man, allowing me to feel a little more comfortable with my sexual side which was something that was (and still slightly is) troublesome before.

Once I got started I had my separate social media accounts set up that would be dedicated to advertising what subscribers would get for subscribing to my account. One of the first things I remember after getting everything set up is seeing a woman I followed on Twitter tweet out tips to newcomers and the one tip that stood out to me was that, to be successful on Onlyfans and to make an incredible amount of money you would have to dedicate up to 12 hours a day to posting, advertising, sexting, live chats, etc. I looked at my boyfriend and we laughed, "Yeah right". People have jobs, families, and, even though we were in the thick of a pandemic, still had other responsibilities to tend to. No one has that kind of time, nor does it take 12 hours to dedicate to this a day. I was wrong. So wrong. One of the very reasons that caused me to throw my hands up with OnlyFans is that it's actually exhausting. You wouldn't think that it would be, but it very well can be. You take a few days in the week to take a ton of pics and/or videos so that you have enough material to post through the next week or two. You have to edit said pics so that you only post the teasers to social media and critically edit for sites like IG who goes into a panic if a woman shows a shoulder let alone cleavage. You spend your days RTing follow for follow threads on Twitter, and helping out together creators whilst trying to grab the attention of their fans as well. You spend an enormous amount of time on Reddit posting in different subreddits while also upvoting other creators who are promoting too that you've formed an alliance with. Then you have to sweet-talk your way around men whose main goal is to try and dehumanize you, and even worse, try to get things for free. The reason you let them down gently is that some you can smooth talk into subscribing once they realize their ploy to get free content has failed. To do all of this and more plus working a full-time job was a lot. So I believe it to be true that to be ultimately successful on OnlyFans to where you're making hundreds or more dollars a week you do have to dedicate at least eight hours a day to it if not more. The promoting alone takes up most of that time.

One of the pieces that I really enjoyed about OnlyFans was to help empower other people. I saw that we were all trying to make it and everyone had their own spin on what they wanted to do, whether it was couples, erotic cosplay, BDSM, etc. It was a judgment-free zone and there was no competition between anyone. I spent my time trying to mostly help the people who I knew were not the main demographic of the consumers of OnlyFans, and that was people of color, men, and trans individuals. That's not to say that us people that fit this description didn't make any money or didn't grab people's attention, it's just that it was in fact a little bit harder.

The big downside to OnlyFans, and I'm sure some will disagree, is that it's not really built for women of color. While advertising on Reddit I did join a private group that consisted of only black women and what we would do is help promo each other. We all had the same difficulties of not getting as many subscribers despite the amount we were posting, some of the disgusting comments we would get regarding "race play" (race play is sort of like role play, but obviously based on race. I never participated in it so I'm not sure what scenarios white men had in mind when they suggested it, but I know that it couldn't have been good), and also being banned from certain subreddits for posting certain content although there were white women in these same threads who posted content that was the exact same. So again it wasn't as though we weren't gaining subscribers, but we did have to work extra hard to get a little bit.

I'll let you in on a dirty secret. When it came to setting up this content I purposefully went after men in my past that had crushes on me, men on my social media accounts that had crushes on me, and exes. This actually worked most of the time. I knew it wouldn't be hard to grab the attention of guys I knew in high school because back in those days I was very quiet and shy while my body suggested otherwise. In high school I had already surpassed DDs and the boys definitely noticed. So I knew many were waiting for fo the chance to get a glimpse and I totally took advantage of that opportunity. The quiet girl from your past showing off her goods. There was no way they could pass that up.

My main reason for making this post is to let everyone know that sex work is work. People like to clown others that do OnlyFans while at the same time jerk off to some of these same people on PornHub. Sex sells. Let's stop pretending that it doesn't. You don't want to pay for it? That's fine. I don't blame you since there is so much out there that is free but at the end of the day the people in the OnlyFans community put in a lot of work. The girl you throw singles at in the strip club puts in a lot of work. So on and so forth. If there wasn't a demand for sex or the illusion of sex it wouldn't exist.

So as I delete my tweets and my posts on Reddit, a part of me is still hanging on. I had so many ideas. I really wanted to go down the route of cosplaying before I got totally burnt out. So instead of closing these accounts entirely, I will leave them there with the hope of maybe one day I can use them to combine my sexy with my creativity. That day may come or these accounts might stay empty. I hope I'll come back to it, because, guys, I really spent a lot on lingerie and costumes. I thought I was about to do my thing and I just couldn't hang anymore. If all else fails I can always use these costumes for my guy. Right now he's my only fan and I'm more than pleased with that.

- Asia Aneka Anderson, 2021 (c)