In my latest video, I wanted to discuss my previous and most recent losses due to miscarriages. I wanted to start a conversation around this topic and keep it open and honest. I don't want anyone else going through this to feel as lost as I did.
I'm just a girl with a lot to say. I've got a ton of stories to share and minds to open. Here I show to you my poetry, stories, and other topics that fill my mind.
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: In Wounded Womb
It’s been a while. I’ve been busy graduating with my creative writing degree and starting a new job. It’s been draining to say the least and it’s been overwhelming. Still all of this in the very best way possible, but still very draining. I haven’t had the energy to write, workout, update my new YouTube channel, or create. Nothing. But here I am with a topic that I need to express and there’s no other place I would other than here.
On a recent visit to my therapist we spoke about how things were looking up for me. I’m a college grad finally, my job situation just got 10x better, and I can finally FINALLY see a clear path up ahead on where I want to go. Then she stopped and asked me how I was coping with my miscarriage. This was the initial reason for me seeking treatment this go round. I told her that I was okay, but honestly it still sticks with me, over a year later. It’s more in the background like a low hum that I can ignore. Then there are the triggers where that low hum becomes a screeching siren. There’s the holidays where I think about how I’d be opening presents with my kid for the very first time or decking them out in their “My first ____” outfit. There’s the due date and miscarry date that is lovely placed four days after my birthday. Then there’s the baby announcements. Those are the absolute fucking worst. I truly want to hate the people posting their good news, but I can’t hate something that is a big moment for someone else and some I know the stories of their own heartbreak. I can’t hate on that other than that’s what I want.
I want my happy ending too and my brain cannot process why it was taken from me. So I keep going. I live with it everyday. Alone. I carry the weight of that. Alone. I have done so since day one and I will continue to. A man, no matter how in touch he is with his feelings, will never understand that kind of heartbreak, but God I wish they could. Now, I could stray from the topic at hand and scream “Men ain’t shit”, but I won’t. That’s a different topic for a different day when my heart does not ache like it does in this moment. That way I can speak truth and not hurt. Because even though it’s a popular go to saying I would like to believe that we know that statement isn’t true.
I bring up my miscarriage because something my therapist said stuck with me. She told me that there have been studies that link the trauma that women go through after a miscarriage is similar to PTSD and I can see that. I felt that. The pain I felt when that happened somehow surpassed the grief that I had when my father passed two years prior. I was confused how I could be more devastated from losing someone I’d never met over the man who primarily raised me. There was the guilt that I had done something wrong or that something was wrong with my body. There was the feeling that maybe it was some harsh karma coming back to bite me or the fact that I’ve said, even since I was a kid, that I didn’t want kids. That one in particular has made my grief more difficult. I often ask myself “Do I have the right to grieve something that I swore I never wanted?” Either way it felt like my fault. You take that and add the fact that I find out two months later that my partner didn’t want kids it feels like getting hit with a bus. Then I realized why that weight felt heavy on my shoulders alone.
I think about this miscarriage today because I found out something troubling. There was something my partner did not even 6 months after this event that has crushed me. I won’t go into detail, I’m sorry. I’m so shocked and it’s a lot for me to process at the moment. With that being said, I look back on that time in my life of losing a baby, to finding that there may not be a baby with the man I was in love with, to a rift in our relationship shortly after, then us getting back good again, a surgical procedure to have my cervix shortened to prevent cervical cancer (and also would cause problems in me getting pregnant), and then all of this within 5 months and he does something to betray my trust. Something that I have still yet to hear sorry for and only excuses. It all makes me wonder what goes through a person’s mind when they hurt someone, especially after something life altering as this. I carry all of the burden of these things yet I was betrayed in a way no one deserves. My heart hurts.
So, in all honesty when my therapist asked “How are you handling the miscarriage?” I’m not fine. These are the little lies we tell ourselves to get by. “I’m okay”. “I’m fine.” “It’s no big deal”. It helps us not to focus on this, but at the same time it makes those feelings linger longer. So I am not fine. I am not okay. But I’ll carry this alone. Day by day. That’s all anyone can do. For now I’ll sit in this hurt. I’ll process and heal. I’ll learn from it and grow from it. I’ll build better with it. I’ll always wonder what I would’ve had, the mom I would’ve been, and the family that would’ve been created. My heart will always yearn for that.
By: Asia Aneka Anderson, 2020 ©
My Nugget
I started writing this a few days after I found out I was pregnant.
Now I’m writing this after spending hours in the ER to find out you’re
gone. I spent my whole life saying I never wanted kids, then the moment I
found out I was I was so excited. By the end of the night I knew you’d
be either a miss Lennon Amira (or Lennon Sarai) or William Dearron. Now
my heart feels crushed. Who knew a person I had never met before could
make me feel so many emotions at once. I know this is the story of many
women and I’m not alone, but at the same time I’d imagine things would
be different for me. I looked forward to my belly. I looked forward to
holding you for the first time, watching you bond with your dad and
sister. I looked forward to first steps, first words, and first days of
school. I don’t know how many losses in my life I can take. I know it
was only two months, but I feel like I lost a child. I’m just
devastated. I feel like it’s my fault. I know it’s not, but that doesn’t
make it any easier. I keep wondering how I could’ve prevented this. No
one tells you how soul crushing a miscarriage is, but it is. I know that
everything happens for a reason, but in this moment the universe sucks,
in my eyes.
I do find some peace that when I entered the ER a dragonfly flew by me to the entrance. Maybe it was my dad telling me it would be OK. I don’t feel OK, but I know it will be. I hope I get another chance one day. A chance to be a mom, but you will always be my first. The one that filled me with so much joy, in two months, that I could be a mommy.
My original post:
Since I’ve now shared my biggest news with my mom I can now share with you. May 2019 I’ll have a little one joining this crazy planet. Although I’m sharing this sometime in November I am now writing this in late September exactly a week after finding out I was already five weeks. My initial reaction was just content. We had our discussion about our next moves, but everything positive. Content.
A week later I’ve freaked out about what I’ve been eating, have I stressed too much, can my body wash/facial cleansers affect my Nugget?, and all other things I’m sure new moms freak out about. As the days go on I’m starting to freak out about things much deeper. Things like: Will I suffocate his or her dreams like I felt like mine were? Will I keep them from growing? It’s not about cuts, and scrapes, and bruises. Those heal. I’m worried about any possible unintentional emotional pain. If Nugget comes to me and says they’re trans or gay am I really an ally the way I feel I am? How do I shield them from the people out there who cause harm to lgbtq kids? Then the big elephant in the room. I’m going to give birth to either a little black boy or little black girl. How do I keep them safe from the people who will hate them for the color of their skin? How young is too young to have the talk about how we have to be extra careful around police? That we have to work twice as hard to get half as much? How late is too late to have that talk? What if Nugget is a girl? How do I prepare her for the creeps she may run into? How to be on high alert, because unfortunately in this society a woman’s body is not her own. How do I shield him or her from bullies? I can teach them all day everyday how to keep their heads high and stand up for themselves, but that still doesn’t mean bullying doesn’t bruise self esteem and confidence.
Nugget won’t know what it feels like to walk into a Toys R Us and be blown away. Kids today don’t get to hold on to their innocence for long like we did. They know too much too soon. How do I keep stressors away from you and let you remain an innocent child throughout your childhood years and not take on adult problems?
I had to think about how this would change me and your dad. One piece of advice that has always stuck with me was from an old friend who had a child and married pretty early. She told me that once her daughter was born her relationship took a nosedive because she became more focused on her daughter. She said she had to find the perfect balance between her daughter and her marriage. That it couldn’t be just about your kid. You have to make time for your partner as well. I hope that for us because I love your dad very much. You’re both my world. Without your dad there would be no you. I hope to give you an example of loving parents. I want you to grow up with the vision of nothing but love and teamwork. I think that’s crucial for you. It’s crucial for any little Nugget out there.
…. I never finished this. Goodbye, our Nugget
I do find some peace that when I entered the ER a dragonfly flew by me to the entrance. Maybe it was my dad telling me it would be OK. I don’t feel OK, but I know it will be. I hope I get another chance one day. A chance to be a mom, but you will always be my first. The one that filled me with so much joy, in two months, that I could be a mommy.
My original post:
Since I’ve now shared my biggest news with my mom I can now share with you. May 2019 I’ll have a little one joining this crazy planet. Although I’m sharing this sometime in November I am now writing this in late September exactly a week after finding out I was already five weeks. My initial reaction was just content. We had our discussion about our next moves, but everything positive. Content.
A week later I’ve freaked out about what I’ve been eating, have I stressed too much, can my body wash/facial cleansers affect my Nugget?, and all other things I’m sure new moms freak out about. As the days go on I’m starting to freak out about things much deeper. Things like: Will I suffocate his or her dreams like I felt like mine were? Will I keep them from growing? It’s not about cuts, and scrapes, and bruises. Those heal. I’m worried about any possible unintentional emotional pain. If Nugget comes to me and says they’re trans or gay am I really an ally the way I feel I am? How do I shield them from the people out there who cause harm to lgbtq kids? Then the big elephant in the room. I’m going to give birth to either a little black boy or little black girl. How do I keep them safe from the people who will hate them for the color of their skin? How young is too young to have the talk about how we have to be extra careful around police? That we have to work twice as hard to get half as much? How late is too late to have that talk? What if Nugget is a girl? How do I prepare her for the creeps she may run into? How to be on high alert, because unfortunately in this society a woman’s body is not her own. How do I shield him or her from bullies? I can teach them all day everyday how to keep their heads high and stand up for themselves, but that still doesn’t mean bullying doesn’t bruise self esteem and confidence.
Nugget won’t know what it feels like to walk into a Toys R Us and be blown away. Kids today don’t get to hold on to their innocence for long like we did. They know too much too soon. How do I keep stressors away from you and let you remain an innocent child throughout your childhood years and not take on adult problems?
I had to think about how this would change me and your dad. One piece of advice that has always stuck with me was from an old friend who had a child and married pretty early. She told me that once her daughter was born her relationship took a nosedive because she became more focused on her daughter. She said she had to find the perfect balance between her daughter and her marriage. That it couldn’t be just about your kid. You have to make time for your partner as well. I hope that for us because I love your dad very much. You’re both my world. Without your dad there would be no you. I hope to give you an example of loving parents. I want you to grow up with the vision of nothing but love and teamwork. I think that’s crucial for you. It’s crucial for any little Nugget out there.
…. I never finished this. Goodbye, our Nugget
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