My Nugget

        I started writing this a few days after I found out I was pregnant. Now I’m writing this after spending hours in the ER to find out you’re gone. I spent my whole life saying I never wanted kids, then the moment I found out I was I was so excited. By the end of the night I knew you’d be either a miss Lennon Amira (or Lennon Sarai) or William Dearron. Now my heart feels crushed. Who knew a person I had never met before could make me feel so many emotions at once. I know this is the story of many women and I’m not alone, but at the same time I’d imagine things would be different for me. I looked forward to my belly. I looked forward to holding you for the first time, watching you bond with your dad and sister. I looked forward to first steps, first words, and first days of school. I don’t know how many losses in my life I can take. I know it was only two months, but I feel like I lost a child. I’m just devastated. I feel like it’s my fault. I know it’s not, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I keep wondering how I could’ve prevented this. No one tells you how soul crushing a miscarriage is, but it is. I know that everything happens for a reason, but in this moment the universe sucks, in my eyes.
         I do find some peace that when I entered the ER a dragonfly flew by me to the entrance. Maybe it was my dad telling me it would be OK. I don’t feel OK, but I know it will be. I hope I get another chance one day. A chance to be a mom, but you will always be my first. The one that filled me with so much joy, in two months, that I could be a mommy.
My original post:
       Since I’ve now shared my biggest news with my mom I can now share with you. May 2019 I’ll have a little one joining this crazy planet. Although I’m sharing this sometime in November I am now writing this in late September exactly a week after finding out I was already five weeks. My initial reaction was just content. We had our discussion about our next moves, but everything positive. Content.
        A week later I’ve freaked out about what I’ve been eating, have I stressed too much, can my body wash/facial cleansers affect my Nugget?, and all other things I’m sure new moms freak out about. As the days go on I’m starting to freak out about things much deeper. Things like: Will I suffocate his or her dreams like I felt like mine were? Will I keep them from growing? It’s not about cuts, and scrapes, and bruises. Those heal. I’m worried about any possible unintentional emotional pain. If Nugget comes to me and says they’re trans or gay am I really an ally the way I feel I am? How do I shield them from the people out there who cause harm to lgbtq kids? Then the big elephant in the room. I’m going to give birth to either a little black boy or little black girl. How do I keep them safe from the people who will hate them for the color of their skin? How young is too young to have the talk about how we have to be extra careful around police? That we have to work twice as hard to get half as much? How late is too late to have that talk? What if Nugget is a girl? How do I prepare her for the creeps she may run into? How to be on high alert, because unfortunately in this society a woman’s body is not her own. How do I shield him or her from bullies? I can teach them all day everyday how to keep their heads high and stand up for themselves, but that still doesn’t mean bullying doesn’t bruise self esteem and confidence.
        Nugget won’t know what it feels like to walk into a Toys R Us and be blown away. Kids today don’t get to hold on to their innocence for long like we did. They know too much too soon. How do I keep stressors away from you and let you remain an innocent child throughout your childhood years and not take on adult problems?
        I had to think about how this would change me and your dad. One piece of advice that has always stuck with me was from an old friend who had a child and married pretty early. She told me that once her daughter was born her relationship took a nosedive because she became more focused on her daughter. She said she had to find the perfect balance between her daughter and her marriage. That it couldn’t be just about your kid. You have to make time for your partner as well. I hope that for us because I love your dad very much. You’re both my world. Without your dad there would be no you. I hope to give you an example of loving parents. I want you to grow up with the vision of nothing but love and teamwork. I think that’s crucial for you. It’s crucial for any little Nugget out there.
…. I never finished this. Goodbye, our Nugget

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