Tragic Crush Tales #8

        A was probably one of my very first crushes. It may seem a little weird of me to talk about a crush I had when I was a kid, but it was a crush that forced me to learn a lot about myself. It’s a crush that even decades later is helping me sort out my feelings and who I am especially since now that I have a word for it. I must say that I did hesitate writing this though.
        This was back in about second grade or so. A was a pretty blonde girl with ice blue eyes. Looking back I don’t think we were BEST friends, but we had lots of fun times and I remember lots of laughs with her. She had the thickest and shiniest blonde hair that I loved to do whenever we had free time in class. She was just the prettiest girl I had ever laid eyes on.
        Back then I didn’t really know how I felt. I just knew that there was a girl that I thought was pretty and that was that. I didn’t think anything of it. I felt that I shouldn’t have a crush on her so I just took it as my brain saying that she’s pretty and nothing else. In the back of my mind I knew that I had feelings for her though. I’d never told anyone about how I felt, but my friends might have caught on because I talked about her A LOT. It left me very confused for a second grader because although I thought she was amazing and gorgeous, I still had crushes on plenty of boys in the class as well. I didn’t understand how I could think both were good looking.
          I never told A how I felt, of course, since I didn’t think there were feelings to be had in the first place. I’d go on always dating boys, but A wasn’t the last girl I would ever have a crush on. As I got older I thought to myself that possibly I was bisexual. I’d never dated a girl by that point (still haven’t other than one online relationship), but remained very attracted to women. Still I dismissed being bisexual because I had never BEEN with a girl. I brushed it off again as just a simple admiration of certain women instead of sexual attraction. As I kept getting older, I started to strip labels away. It wasn’t particularly men or women I was attracted to. I was attracted to people who I found psychically attractive, had a good vibe, a great sense of humor, and all the good things people want in a mate. I didn’t really care what a person’s gender was. Then I heard of pansexual. That’s me. In the back of my mind I’ve always felt that it would be foolish of me to place my happiness based on gender. So far I’ve only dated men, but if a trans individual, woman, etc. were to sweep me off of my feet I can’t imagine denying myself true love because a person wasn’t born male.
         As far as A goes I’m not sure what happened to her after elementary school. We went to separate middle schools and I never heard from her again. Not sure if she knew how I felt or if she would’ve even understood it, because I sure didn’t. I will always remember her though since she is the first girl to help me open my eyes to who I truly am.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2015(c)

No comments:

Post a Comment