A
was probably one of my very first crushes. It may seem a little weird
of me to talk about a crush I had when I was a kid, but it was a crush
that forced me to learn a lot about myself. It’s a crush that even
decades later is helping me sort out my feelings and who I am especially
since now that I have a word for it. I must say that I did hesitate
writing this though.
This was back in about second
grade or so. A was a pretty blonde girl with ice blue eyes. Looking back
I don’t think we were BEST friends, but we had lots of fun times and I
remember lots of laughs with her. She had the thickest and shiniest
blonde hair that I loved to do whenever we had free time in class. She
was just the prettiest girl I had ever laid eyes on.
Back then I didn’t really know how I felt. I just knew that there was a
girl that I thought was pretty and that was that. I didn’t think
anything of it. I felt that I shouldn’t have a crush on her so I just
took it as my brain saying that she’s pretty and nothing else. In the
back of my mind I knew that I had feelings for her though. I’d never
told anyone about how I felt, but my friends might have caught on
because I talked about her A LOT. It left me very confused for a second
grader because although I thought she was amazing and gorgeous, I still
had crushes on plenty of boys in the class as well. I didn’t understand
how I could think both were good looking.
I never
told A how I felt, of course, since I didn’t think there were feelings
to be had in the first place. I’d go on always dating boys, but A wasn’t
the last girl I would ever have a crush on. As I got older I thought to
myself that possibly I was bisexual. I’d never dated a girl by that
point (still haven’t other than one online relationship), but remained
very attracted to women. Still I dismissed being bisexual because I had
never BEEN with a girl. I brushed it off again as just a simple
admiration of certain women instead of sexual attraction. As I kept
getting older, I started to strip labels away. It wasn’t particularly
men or women I was attracted to. I was attracted to people who I found
psychically attractive, had a good vibe, a great sense of humor, and all
the good things people want in a mate. I didn’t really care what a
person’s gender was. Then I heard of pansexual. That’s me. In the back
of my mind I’ve always felt that it would be foolish of me to place my
happiness based on gender. So far I’ve only dated men, but if a trans
individual, woman, etc. were to sweep me off of my feet I can’t imagine
denying myself true love because a person wasn’t born male.
As far as A goes I’m not sure what happened to her after elementary
school. We went to separate middle schools and I never heard from her
again. Not sure if she knew how I felt or if she would’ve even
understood it, because I sure didn’t. I will always remember her though
since she is the first girl to help me open my eyes to who I truly am.
-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2015(c)
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