It’s no secret that I’m obsessed with anything entertainment laden.
I often make the joke that tv raised me. It’s somewhat true. I can
trace major events throughout my life through a certain movie, song,
actor, show, etc. I remember that for my first date we saw Titanic and
every time I see that movie I’m reminded of Celine Dion and the smell of
Winterfresh gum, because that’s what my boyfriend at the time liked. I
know that my 11th birthday was my best by far because I went to see
Jurassic Park in the theater and was forever amazed. I know that at 13 I
became obsessed with The Beatles because of a special that was on VH1
one night to promote the release of the Anthology cds. Now I have
tattoos all over (and more to come) to express how much I love these
four men. Now that last one wasn’t really a major event, but it is to me
so just bear with me.
My obsession with entertainment and
entertainers leaves my mind full of certain scenarios. What would
happen if I met that celebrity? I wonder if I could’ve directed that
music video better? What would life be like if I was a character on this
show? The scenario that comes to mind most often is “where is the
(insert character to a duo) to my (other character I relate to)?” To
explain, one of my favorite shows was Scrubs and I most definitely
consider myself a JD. I often wonder where is the Turk to my JD, or the
Troy to me Abed, or the Grace to my Will. It’s when I get to my favorite
show where I get lost on who I’m most like. Am I a Meredith or a
Cristina?
I can never watch too much Grey’s Anatomy.
Never. Every afternoon you can find me watching reruns on Lifetime.
These are episodes I’ve probably watched a million times and I’m ready
to watch them a million more. In the past I’ve always said I’m more
Cristina. I mainly felt more like her because we have the no desire to
have children thing in common, we have a good work ethic to a fault
sometimes, and when it comes to emotions I may come off as cold, but
that’s really where the similarities end. It didn’t hit me until
recently I was watching the episode where Owen is choking Cristina in
his sleep and Calle calls Meredith in the middle of the night and her
immediate reaction isn’t “Well is she okay? Alright I’ll talk to her at
work tomorrow.” Her reaction is to get out of bed and haul ass over to
check on her friend and to chew out Owen. My inner debate was solved
then and there. I’m Meredith. If a friend were to come to me with a
problem I’d be there. Well since I don’t have a car it would make that
hard, but I’m the friend that would be there to talk in the middle of
the night no matter what and any friend knows that if someone hurts them
my immediate question is “Do you want me to fuck them up?” and I’m not
even joking when I ask that. I will fuck somebody up for hurting my
friends. It made me think, even though Mer and Cristina are close, would
Cristina do that for Meredith?
I’ve spoken before about
my recent broken friendships and this is why. I don’t have the type of
friends where if I need to vent I feel like I can call them. When I was
obviously having a horrible time with life no one took the time to even
send a “How are doing? I know things are bad. Do you want to do
something? Do you want to talk? I want to help.” type of text. All I got
in the beginning was a “What’s up?” kind of text followed by them
talking about themselves and their miniscule problems compared to mine.
If I hadn’t been so depressed I would’ve replied with “HOW DARE YOU DROP
YOUR FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS ON ME WHEN I’M DYING INSIDE!” but I barely
had the ambition or will to type “k” let alone go on a rant. Soon the
texts stopped, but it’s not like there were many to begin with. I don’t
know if I got treated this way because I pick shitty friends or because
people felt like my depression was contagious therefore they kept their
distance…. which only leads back to the shitty friends theory. I can’t
say I’m the friend that is always there. After all I am human. I try to
be the best friend that I can be to people. I let people know that I am
open if they need me. Too many times did I get “I’m busy”, “I’m broke”
or plans that were constantly rescheduled only to never happen from the
people I called friends. So obviously this said to me that these
individuals were not the type to be called on for anything.
For the past 2+ years I’ve had no one. I have no one spill my heart out
to which in turn makes me frustrated and even more depressed than I
already am. All I want is someone to confide in and bond with. I haven’t
had that for a really long time and could use that more than ever now. I
don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone. I am one who likes to be alone,
but I think the reason it hurts is because I trusted in these few
individuals to be there when I needed them and they proved me very very
wrong. It puzzles me because I don’t know why a friend wouldn’t want to
help another friend get through a tough time. I, for one, hate to see my
friends hurt, or anyone for that matter. The advice I would give myself
is “Obviously they weren’t friends in the first place.” True, but it
doesn’t make it hurt any less. I just wonder how they function knowing
that a close friend isn’t there anymore. It breaks me everyday to know
that. How they can go on like I never mattered baffles me. Again, they
were never friends. I know that I just have to feel it. I’m confident
that I’ll find the Cristina to my Meredith, but it’s definitely not any
of these people.
-Asia Aneka Anderson 2015(c)
Tumblr: AsiaWrites
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