Meredith or Cristina

     It’s no secret that I’m obsessed with anything entertainment laden. I often make the joke that tv raised me. It’s somewhat true. I can trace major events throughout my life through a certain movie, song, actor, show, etc. I remember that for my first date we saw Titanic and every time I see that movie I’m reminded of Celine Dion and the smell of Winterfresh gum, because that’s what my boyfriend at the time liked. I know that my 11th birthday was my best by far because I went to see Jurassic Park in the theater and was forever amazed. I know that at 13 I became obsessed with The Beatles because of a special that was on VH1 one night to promote the release of the Anthology cds. Now I have tattoos all over (and more to come) to express how much I love these four men. Now that last one wasn’t really a major event, but it is to me so just bear with me.
        My obsession with entertainment and entertainers leaves my mind full of certain scenarios. What would happen if I met that celebrity? I wonder if I could’ve directed that music video better? What would life be like if I was a character on this show? The scenario that comes to mind most often is “where is the (insert character to a duo) to my (other character I relate to)?” To explain, one of my favorite shows was Scrubs and I most definitely consider myself a JD. I often wonder where is the Turk to my JD, or the Troy to me Abed, or the Grace to my Will. It’s when I get to my favorite show where I get lost on who I’m most like. Am I a Meredith or a Cristina?
        I can never watch too much Grey’s Anatomy. Never. Every afternoon you can find me watching reruns on Lifetime. These are episodes I’ve probably watched a million times and I’m ready to watch them a million more. In the past I’ve always said I’m more Cristina. I mainly felt more like her because we have the no desire to have children thing in common, we have a good work ethic to a fault sometimes, and when it comes to emotions I may come off as cold, but that’s really where the similarities end. It didn’t hit me until recently I was watching the episode where Owen is choking Cristina in his sleep and Calle calls Meredith in the middle of the night and her immediate reaction isn’t “Well is she okay? Alright I’ll talk to her at work tomorrow.” Her reaction is to get out of bed and haul ass over to check on her friend and to chew out Owen. My inner debate was solved then and there. I’m Meredith. If a friend were to come to me with a problem I’d be there. Well since I don’t have a car it would make that hard, but I’m the friend that would be there to talk in the middle of the night no matter what and any friend knows that if someone hurts them my immediate question is “Do you want me to fuck them up?” and I’m not even joking when I ask that. I will fuck somebody up for hurting my friends. It made me think, even though Mer and Cristina are close, would Cristina do that for Meredith?
        I’ve spoken before about my recent broken friendships and this is why. I don’t have the type of friends where if I need to vent I feel like I can call them. When I was obviously having a horrible time with life no one took the time to even send a “How are doing? I know things are bad. Do you want to do something? Do you want to talk? I want to help.” type of text. All I got in the beginning was a “What’s up?” kind of text followed by them talking about themselves and their miniscule problems compared to mine. If I hadn’t been so depressed I would’ve replied with “HOW DARE YOU DROP YOUR FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS ON ME WHEN I’M DYING INSIDE!” but I barely had the ambition or will to type “k” let alone go on a rant. Soon the texts stopped, but it’s not like there were many to begin with. I don’t know if I got treated this way because I pick shitty friends or because people felt like my depression was contagious therefore they kept their distance…. which only leads back to the shitty friends theory. I can’t say I’m the friend that is always there. After all I am human. I try to be the best friend that I can be to people. I let people know that I am open if they need me. Too many times did I get “I’m busy”, “I’m broke” or plans that were constantly rescheduled only to never happen from the people I called friends. So obviously this said to me that these individuals were not the type to be called on for anything.
         For the past 2+ years I’ve had no one. I have no one spill my heart out to which in turn makes me frustrated and even more depressed than I already am. All I want is someone to confide in and bond with. I haven’t had that for a really long time and could use that more than ever now. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alone. I am one who likes to be alone, but I think the reason it hurts is because I trusted in these few individuals to be there when I needed them and they proved me very very wrong. It puzzles me because I don’t know why a friend wouldn’t want to help another friend get through a tough time. I, for one, hate to see my friends hurt, or anyone for that matter. The advice I would give myself is “Obviously they weren’t friends in the first place.” True, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I just wonder how they function knowing that a close friend isn’t there anymore. It breaks me everyday to know that. How they can go on like I never mattered baffles me. Again, they were never friends. I know that I just have to feel it. I’m confident that I’ll find the Cristina to my Meredith, but it’s definitely not any of these people.

-Asia Aneka Anderson  2015(c)
Tumblr: AsiaWrites

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