Inside My Creative Mind

The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: Learning To Love Myself

I’ve finally started back going to therapy. It certainly has been a while. Years in fact. I’m hoping this time I can finally get my life on track and my thoughts clear. My first assignment was to watch a YouTube video of a speaker named Kristen Neff. She’s speaking about self-compassion at a Ted Talk. Self-Compassion is something that I’ve lacked for a very long time. I’m not ever sure when it stopped or if I even had compassion for myself ever.
I’m often so hard on myself. My biggest obstacle is feeling like I haven’t accomplished all the things I feel a 30 something should have. I don’t have a degree. I’m back living at home. I don’t have a steady “career”, instead I’m stuck in a part time job. I’m not married nor even in a relationship and haven’t been for years. I have no children. I have no accolades. I feel like a failure. My accomplishments seem far and few in between.
Kristen speaks on how we as people always have kind words of advice to friends but never for ourselves. If I ever heard one of my best friends say the things I just said about myself I’d actually be pissed that they even thought that. “Are you kidding me?! You’re great! We all have setbacks, but you’ll come out on top.” I’ve never received that pep talk from me. I save it for everyone else. I’m not very kind to myself and I don’t deserve to feel the way that I do about me. Not only does my daily life stress me out the way I react to myself stresses me out as well. I’m unsure why this happens. I’m only human. We make mistakes, fail, fall down, and get embarrassed but we judge ourselves so harshly. I know that I am my biggest critic. I knock down everything I try to do. I’ve been trying to write a book/script for several years, but make no progress, because I think my talent is lacking.
I want to learn to be more kind to myself. I need to love me. I need to support me. All those words of advice that I dish out first need to be lived by me. I am not failure, but I have failed at some things. I need to embrace that and keep going. I need to strive. Loving myself seems to be the hardest. I see so many broken things in myself and I’m not sure how to glue together the pieces. This is where my self-compassion will have to rear it’s head to tell me that it’s okay. It’s all easier said than done, but I’m worth the love I need to give myself.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2017©

The Game Is Over

Your words so cold.
Yet don’t cut deep.
You thought they had an effect on me.
For I am not shook.
Games you said you didn’t play.
But your number is on the leaderboard.
You failed to see my score is higher than yours.
At these games I am a pro.
For you are not the first one.
String me along while I lead you further.
This is a two player game.
You pressed start a little too late.
Although this is a game we play.
I go into each round optimistic.
Instead of opponents we become teammates.
Crushing whatever boss comes at us.
But you’re against me which makes me against you.
To the next level we go.
Losing rings.
Slipping on banana peels.
Dodging tossed barrels and colorful ghosts.
Waiting for the inevitable “Finish Him”.
These games are no fun when you’re pitted against each other.
The rematches grow tiresome.
We search our stash for the cartridge of “Us Against The World”.
Somehow I keep finding copies of “You Against Me”.
A partnership full of the wrong X’s and O’s.
A glitch that never corrects when blown into.
An unfortunate fatality.

- Asia Aneka Anderson, The Game Is Over, 2017

I Am Me

I am my skin.
I cannot hide this melanin.
I am my hair.
Every kink and every curl.
I am my big lips and big nose.
And every feature they imitate.
I am rhythm.
And the blues that comes with it.
I am our suffering.
And the inevitable success.
I am my mother and my father.
And every ancestors blood runs through my veins.
I am unique.
I am me.
There is none other.
No one empowered quite like me.
Unbreakable like me.
Black like me.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, I Am Me, 2017©

I Think I Can

I don’t know why I find it so hard to write. This once was my only love. I could sit down and write an entire story in a matter of hours. The words would flow so perfectly and easily. I was so confident in my ability to tell a story. It didn’t matter how serious or silly the subject. It all came so easy. I felt like I was a natural. No, my grammar is not perfect and in a rush my spelling would surely be off too, but none of that mattered to be because I WAS a natural. Now when I write it’s like learning a new language. You retain the basics, but you can’t fully grasp the entire understanding of whatever the hell it is you’re talking about. I’m easily distracted. I all too easily doubt myself. It’s very crippling. Losing motivation in the thing I loved most is like not being able to breathe. I haven’t been able to breathe for a long time. At times I can catch my breath and everything seems fine and brand new then all of a sudden something knocks the wind out of me again. I once read a quote that said something to the effect that “I’ve fallen in love with depression”. I in fact have. It gives me every excuse in the world. Can’t write? I’m depressed. No motivation? I’m depression. It’s my scapegoat. It’s also my hindrance. As easy as it is to say that my lack of motivation stems from depression, it’s so hard to burst through that wall to knock this demon on its ass. Hiding behind this wall of mental illness is easy until you realize that there’s no way around, above, or under that wall. You just sit there, stare, and wonder how you got trapped in the first place and how long have you been cowering behind this wall. I’m so so tired of being trapped, but I know nothing different. I so much so want to be a best selling author. I want that more than anything. I want my words to help people. I have so many stories that I know for a fact would reach and touch so many, but I can’t get past myself. I am forever standing in my own way. The fear and the doubt has left me without passion. I write little posts like this in hopes to get me motivated and to give me a little push, and above all else, to get to the nitty gritty of what I’m feeling, but it hardly ever goes beyond that. How do I get back to what I love? I need to find a way to stop me from stopping me. That’s the only thing between me and creativity. I guess, I’ll have to remind myself that there’s always baby steps. To not beat myself up over the big picture and instead celebrate my small victories. It’s easier said than done. I’ve been beating myself up for so long that it’s hard to remember what a self pat on the back feels like. I’ll get there. I will definitely get there.

-Asia Aneka Anderson

Goodbye, 2016

I don't have anymore tears to give this year.
No more heart to break.
I have nothing left to give.
I say goodbye to you.
You caused me a heartache like none other.
You forced me to experience life.
I've never known such pain.
I've never had such joy.
Still I say goodbye to you.
You will have an effect on me for years to come.
I still need room to heal.
The next year I hope for the best.
I hope for it to be better than the last.
To this year, I say goodbye to you.
You have made an imprint on my life.
One I'll surely never forget.
Goodbye.

I Wish You A Merry Christmas And A Better New Year

        Christmas is here and 2016 is almost over. My family and I don’t do much for the holidays. We really haven’t for several years now. I don’t remember the last time we set up a tree or hung up a single light. There’s only a medium sized feast and a few gifts if our budgets allow. Although our Christmases are not Christmassy this year is the most uncheerful I’ve ever felt. Last year I lost an aunt and this year my dad. Time is chipping away at my family and grief is leaving little to celebrate. Over time wounds will heal but it will be long in my future for everything is still raw. With that being said trust me that everyone I love has not been overlooked or forgotten.
         I’m not in any sort of Christmas spirit, but I am in the spirit to try and spread my love and understanding. Over the past year I’ve seen grief has not only hit me, but many people I’ve crossed paths with. Many of us will be spending this holiday as a first without a loved one whether it be a parent, grandparent, child, etc. I’ve seen many of these people on my social media timelines, whether they be old friends, best friends I’ve never met, or family, battle cancer, lose jobs, lose homes, etc. These past few years have been really trying for a lot of us. One thing I can say is that we made it through. 2016 was my own personal hell, but I made it through. I struggled through, but made it out on the other end ready to take 2017 head on.
        This season I want to take the time to tell people that I love them. The latter part of the year I’ve been difficult to deal with. I know this. I also no that for some time to come I will continue to be difficult to deal with at time. One moment I’m cheery, the next I’m short, the next I’m silent and don’t want to be bothered, and the next I’m loud. For now this is my new normal. For those of us who have dealt with a lot these past few years we all have a new normal. It may not be pleasant. It may not be ideal, but it is what it shall be. That does not alter my love for my family, my friends, and those who have had my back.
        Merry Christmas to you all. May 2017 be something only dreams are made of. Let it be full of hope and promise and more laughs than tears. Much love to all of you.

- Asia Aneka Anderson, 2016©

A Queen Unbothered

I once shed my crown for a man I thought would be king.
Ready to share my kingdom.
A hunter I thought fit to rule.
His approach fierce.
His heart seemed kind.
Suddenly a darkness showed itself.
Casting shade over a land I built.
An empire still growing.
Changing the queen in me.
It almost shook me from my throne.
Made me doubt my rule.
The darkness was brief.
Just a cloud passed over.
As I proclaimed to be unbothered.
I refuse to let a peasant in king’s clothing rob me of my riches.
I replace my crown.
Vow to never let it be removed again.
Only a true king will rule the heart of this queen.
A king who will see the royalty in me as in himself.
Nothing will crumble our empire.
We will possess a power that will never die.
A king whose approach is fierce.
His heart kind.
His love true.

- Asia Aneka Anderson, A Queen Unbothered 2016©