Even though we’re already more than a few weeks into the year
it is never too late to ask the universe what good things to bring into
your life and what negative things you don’t want to follow you from the
year prior.
This new year I want to bring new and
exciting journeys. This doesn’t have to mean travel, although that is
part of my plan. To me it also means new paths in life that were once
closed off before, but the brush is now starting to clear. This year I
have returned to school after almost a decade. It’s been sort of rocky
because I’ve been out of practice for so long, but I’m more excited
beyond words. If there’s anything in my life that I truly love(d) doing
it was learning. I changed my major from Journalism/Communications to
Creative Writing and I have found my calling. I love my classes and I
love being back in a classroom. This is my journey that will open up the
door to more journeys in the near future and so on.
I
still have this amazing man in my life. That is another learning
opportunity. Learning to love someone. Also learning to love myself the
way that he loves me while also learning to see myself as he sees me.
Most of the time he wants whats better for me than I do for myself. I
need to follow that journey to loving myself, but it is a rough road,
even though it may not be as rough as it may seem in my eyes. He has a
great teenage daughter. Another journey, I thought I’d never see myself
taking, is being a positive influence. To show her the loving
relationship I have with her dad. She’s very much a daddy’s girl as I
was and if he’s happy, she’s happy. Same as I was with my dad.
Speaking of this man in my life, let’s talk about actual physical
journeys. For several years I traveled alone. I had no problem with that
and also met a lot of great people on the way. This time around I get
to share that with someone. That’s an added bonus. We get to do things
that we both love to do, share in some great experiences, and make lots
of memories together.
This is the year of big steps.
Right after the new year I met with my therapist and I read her my
bucket list and she suggested that I tackle a few this year. And why
not? I hope to find a home with my love and his daughter. That’s a huge
step in my book. I’ve always wanted to do some type of acting. As a
matter of fact, with the stories that I’m writing I’d love to turn them
into scripts and possibly play the main characters that I pour my heart
into. I hope to take a chance and try some local theater to see how it
goes. I may not be as bad as I think. As of right now I’m taking a novel
writing class and there is no better way to get a gigantic kick in the
ass than getting told that to have to write 30-60 pages (three chapters)
of a novel. With this push I am hoping to get my novel completely done
by the end of the year. This is definitely the push that I needed.
I want freedom. That is something that is so important to me and
something I haven’t felt since I left Chicago. Even though the struggle,
while living there, I still felt this unbelievable freedom. I want to
feel that again. I want to feel like I am living life on my own terms
without asking permission of anyone. Life with no boundaries. Freedom is
what I want from 2018 and every year after.
I want
this to be the year that I shed the skin of past years. I am a sponge. I
absorb a lot of pain; my own, my loved ones, my friends, my coworkers,
etc. I have always been that person. I feel so heavy. So full of pain,
hate, and stress. It’s time that I wring myself out and become new. It’s
time to let the negativity slide off of me instead of cutting deep and
sticking to me like glue. I will never be a bubbly person because that
is not who I am at my core, but the agitated person that I am now is not
me either. I am snarky and sarcastic, but I am not bitter and hateful.
This is, sadly, what I have become as a way to maneuver in my
environment. I will not be stressed by the small things. I will except
things for what they are and not beat myself over the head for things I
cannot change. This is easier said than done, but it’s about time I stop
punishing myself. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair for the people
who try to love me and I make it difficult.
All I
want from this year is growth. Not only for me, but for everyone. Learn
something new. Risk it all sometimes because it might be worth it. Don’t
beat yourself up if it wasn’t. Take plenty of chances. Don’t overthink.
Do something different. Break from a routine. Say “yes” more than “no”.
Make lots and lots of memories. Don’t hold grudges. Don’t stick around
for someone’s abuse or negativity no matter how much you may love them.
Some you have to love from afar, and that’s completely okay. Don’t let
them make you feel guilty for loving yourself enough to say “no more”.
Don’t let anyone ever make you feel less than. Love you enough that you
don’t care what they think. Don’t shame each other. We all bring
something unique to the table so don’t bring down someone because their
unique is different from yours. More love and less hate is universal.
That is and should always be the motto.
-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2018©
The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: Farewell 2017
Well well well, 2017. You really outdid yourself. The last few years
of my life seemed to be a downward spiral of tragedy, heartbreak, death,
loss, and well little good seemed to come from 2012-2016. It took 2017
to show me that there is a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel.
When we started I just wanted 2016 to end. We’d lost so many icons and I lost my own personal hero, my father. 2016 was probably the toughest of my life. 2017 brought me a few adventures. I was able to attend of few comic cons. Traveled to Cleveland with my best friend, (the first road trip we’ve had in years) so that I could meet Anthony Mackie. Over the course of the year I’ve met David Tennant, Billy Boyd, and John Barrowman. I got to visit my second home, Chicago, twice this year. One of those times to see my favorite band, U2. Seeing the Joshua Tree Tour was such an amazing moment that I will cherish. 2017 gave that to me. I got a tattoo to honor my father and had my mother there with me to experience it. It was emotional, but at the same time, beautiful. Late July my best friend had a baby boy. I was and am so happy for her. I get to see her become the most amazing mom that I knew she would always be. I also get some practice just in case this bitter old lady decides she wants to have some of her own. I will admit that, even though I’ve spent my whole life saying I’d never have children, I’m leaning more the opposite direction.The reason for that is what has made my whole year. I (re)met an old friend from high school and, to my surprise, fell in love with him. I’ve dealt with so many losers in my life I didn’t even know what it was like to be with an understanding, caring, decent man. Now that I have him I never plan to let him go. He is the biggest gift 2017 has ever given me.
I can’t wait to see what 2018 has to offer. I will be starting the year by returning to school. My year will start off in a positive direction. I hope 2018 will bring more happiness to my relationship, my life, my career, my family, and my friends. Finally, just finally I feel like things are starting to look up.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
-Asia Aneka Anderson 2017©
When we started I just wanted 2016 to end. We’d lost so many icons and I lost my own personal hero, my father. 2016 was probably the toughest of my life. 2017 brought me a few adventures. I was able to attend of few comic cons. Traveled to Cleveland with my best friend, (the first road trip we’ve had in years) so that I could meet Anthony Mackie. Over the course of the year I’ve met David Tennant, Billy Boyd, and John Barrowman. I got to visit my second home, Chicago, twice this year. One of those times to see my favorite band, U2. Seeing the Joshua Tree Tour was such an amazing moment that I will cherish. 2017 gave that to me. I got a tattoo to honor my father and had my mother there with me to experience it. It was emotional, but at the same time, beautiful. Late July my best friend had a baby boy. I was and am so happy for her. I get to see her become the most amazing mom that I knew she would always be. I also get some practice just in case this bitter old lady decides she wants to have some of her own. I will admit that, even though I’ve spent my whole life saying I’d never have children, I’m leaning more the opposite direction.The reason for that is what has made my whole year. I (re)met an old friend from high school and, to my surprise, fell in love with him. I’ve dealt with so many losers in my life I didn’t even know what it was like to be with an understanding, caring, decent man. Now that I have him I never plan to let him go. He is the biggest gift 2017 has ever given me.
I can’t wait to see what 2018 has to offer. I will be starting the year by returning to school. My year will start off in a positive direction. I hope 2018 will bring more happiness to my relationship, my life, my career, my family, and my friends. Finally, just finally I feel like things are starting to look up.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
-Asia Aneka Anderson 2017©
Tragic Boyfriend Tales #8
This tale isn’t actually tragic. As in one of my Tragic Crush Tales
this one isn’t about the guy. This is all about my shortcomings. I’m in
no way perfect and I have to be ready to call myself out the same that I
would anyone else.
Boyfriend W is a really great guy. We actually met a million years ago back in high school. We weren’t terribly close, but we hung in the same circles and I always thought he was a cool dude. Once we graduated we parted ways only to reconnect a few years later to go to a concert. After that we lost touch for about a decade or more with maybe a few times reaching out on Facebook here and there. Of course in today’s fashion we reconnected through social media and Tinder, of all places. I had just finished dealing with a top notch fuckboy and another who only saw me as a booty call. I was still trying to dip my foot in the dating pond despite that. One night a guy from Tinder blew me off.... ok he didn’t blow me off. He was taking to long and I’m impatient. I reached out to W to see if he’d like to join me in karaoke. I didn’t see it as a date at the time, honestly. I had an amazing time. We went to eat afterwards and it was nice to actually have a conversation with someone, feel like they’re listening to you, and not looking for sex after as some sort of prize for being a decent human being. A few days later we went to see a movie and everything shot like a rocket after that. I quickly fell for him as he did me.
I am in love with this man. Here’s where the tragic part comes in. I feel like I have a shitty way of showing it. I’m terrible at expressing my feelings because that’s what I grew up around. “I love you” were always words that were spoken at the end of things; a phone call, a bedtime story, a goodbye. It was never, that I remember, said just because. Therefore, it was almost something that was said out of habit and not of feeling. I try to tell him I love him often because that’s what I feel. I want him to know I love him now, when he comes to mind, or when I’m with him and not just at goodbyes.
We are very much still in honeymoon phase so no arguments as of yet, but we have come across very small pebbles in our journey. Each time boiled down to me not being able expressing myself. He even once told me that it was frustrating. All I could do was cry, because I can only imagine that it is frustrating. He was right. It’s something I need to work on, but I never had a great example. Hell, I come from a household where when my parents argued my mom would stick her fingers in her ears and yell “Blah, blah, blah” like a second grader and then place me in the middle. That’s my example of communication with a significant other. I know I am not my parents, but I do come from them. A lot of my affection has childlike qualities. There’s giggling, pouting when things don’t go my way, and short answers when not in the mood. I have a lot of growing to do, but I have come a long way.
The other form of tragic when it comes to W, is all in my head. I’m a worrier. I’m an individual who is definitely her own worst enemy. Therefore I’m always wondering when he’ll get tired, realizes he can do better, and leaves. Again, all in my head. But W is such a great man. He listens to me, he shows me how much he loves me, he’s an amazing father to his daughter, he’s patient, and he’s my biggest cheerleader. Even as I type this I should be getting ready for a date with him, but he knows how I struggle with my writing and told me to write while I have the motivation. That’s a man. A man that when I show him my unfinished work he mapped out possible plots for a story I so badly want to write. Not even my closest friends who are writers give me such advice. He’s more than I could have ever asked for and then some.
Not even a month into our relationship I told him that he was it for me. I meant it. I just want my actions and words to prove just as much. I want to push away all my insecurities and anxiety so that I can love him better. I don’t want this to become a true tragic tale. I want this to turn into a fairytale instead. The only way I can make sure of that is to confront myself now so that later I’m not wondering what went wrong and looking for someone to blame. This man is it for me. There is no doubt about that. Someone told me “I bet you wish you had met him sooner.” No. Not at all. Although my approach to love is somewhat childish I have definitely grown from what I used to be. I can at least own up to my shortcomings. Asia five plus years ago, not so much. I was in a different place in my life, and so was he. The timing had to be perfect for us. That time is now. And to think it all started with a last minute “date” to karaoke.
Boyfriend W is a really great guy. We actually met a million years ago back in high school. We weren’t terribly close, but we hung in the same circles and I always thought he was a cool dude. Once we graduated we parted ways only to reconnect a few years later to go to a concert. After that we lost touch for about a decade or more with maybe a few times reaching out on Facebook here and there. Of course in today’s fashion we reconnected through social media and Tinder, of all places. I had just finished dealing with a top notch fuckboy and another who only saw me as a booty call. I was still trying to dip my foot in the dating pond despite that. One night a guy from Tinder blew me off.... ok he didn’t blow me off. He was taking to long and I’m impatient. I reached out to W to see if he’d like to join me in karaoke. I didn’t see it as a date at the time, honestly. I had an amazing time. We went to eat afterwards and it was nice to actually have a conversation with someone, feel like they’re listening to you, and not looking for sex after as some sort of prize for being a decent human being. A few days later we went to see a movie and everything shot like a rocket after that. I quickly fell for him as he did me.
I am in love with this man. Here’s where the tragic part comes in. I feel like I have a shitty way of showing it. I’m terrible at expressing my feelings because that’s what I grew up around. “I love you” were always words that were spoken at the end of things; a phone call, a bedtime story, a goodbye. It was never, that I remember, said just because. Therefore, it was almost something that was said out of habit and not of feeling. I try to tell him I love him often because that’s what I feel. I want him to know I love him now, when he comes to mind, or when I’m with him and not just at goodbyes.
We are very much still in honeymoon phase so no arguments as of yet, but we have come across very small pebbles in our journey. Each time boiled down to me not being able expressing myself. He even once told me that it was frustrating. All I could do was cry, because I can only imagine that it is frustrating. He was right. It’s something I need to work on, but I never had a great example. Hell, I come from a household where when my parents argued my mom would stick her fingers in her ears and yell “Blah, blah, blah” like a second grader and then place me in the middle. That’s my example of communication with a significant other. I know I am not my parents, but I do come from them. A lot of my affection has childlike qualities. There’s giggling, pouting when things don’t go my way, and short answers when not in the mood. I have a lot of growing to do, but I have come a long way.
The other form of tragic when it comes to W, is all in my head. I’m a worrier. I’m an individual who is definitely her own worst enemy. Therefore I’m always wondering when he’ll get tired, realizes he can do better, and leaves. Again, all in my head. But W is such a great man. He listens to me, he shows me how much he loves me, he’s an amazing father to his daughter, he’s patient, and he’s my biggest cheerleader. Even as I type this I should be getting ready for a date with him, but he knows how I struggle with my writing and told me to write while I have the motivation. That’s a man. A man that when I show him my unfinished work he mapped out possible plots for a story I so badly want to write. Not even my closest friends who are writers give me such advice. He’s more than I could have ever asked for and then some.
Not even a month into our relationship I told him that he was it for me. I meant it. I just want my actions and words to prove just as much. I want to push away all my insecurities and anxiety so that I can love him better. I don’t want this to become a true tragic tale. I want this to turn into a fairytale instead. The only way I can make sure of that is to confront myself now so that later I’m not wondering what went wrong and looking for someone to blame. This man is it for me. There is no doubt about that. Someone told me “I bet you wish you had met him sooner.” No. Not at all. Although my approach to love is somewhat childish I have definitely grown from what I used to be. I can at least own up to my shortcomings. Asia five plus years ago, not so much. I was in a different place in my life, and so was he. The timing had to be perfect for us. That time is now. And to think it all started with a last minute “date” to karaoke.
I Don't Have The Words
No words can describe how you make me feel.
None can define how my face lights up when I think of you.
There’s no words to illustrate how the butterflies flutter in my stomach when we touch.
Nor the way my heart swells when I stare at you.
There’s not enough words in the English language that express how much I love you.
I say it often to make up for lost time.
But it’s never enough.
No words could tell you how much I appreciate you.
Not a word can define how much I love you for loving all of me.
Nothing can describe how fast I fell after the first kiss.
No words can expound how much I look forward to our future.
All of the laughs.
Deep conversations.
Love making.
Eye gazing.
Nothing.
Nothing can describe how right we are for each other.
I don’t have the words to express how much I love you.
The only thing I can do it show you everyday.
- Asia Aneka Anderson, I Don’t Have The Words 2017©
None can define how my face lights up when I think of you.
There’s no words to illustrate how the butterflies flutter in my stomach when we touch.
Nor the way my heart swells when I stare at you.
There’s not enough words in the English language that express how much I love you.
I say it often to make up for lost time.
But it’s never enough.
No words could tell you how much I appreciate you.
Not a word can define how much I love you for loving all of me.
Nothing can describe how fast I fell after the first kiss.
No words can expound how much I look forward to our future.
All of the laughs.
Deep conversations.
Love making.
Eye gazing.
Nothing.
Nothing can describe how right we are for each other.
I don’t have the words to express how much I love you.
The only thing I can do it show you everyday.
- Asia Aneka Anderson, I Don’t Have The Words 2017©
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