Day 216: I took this about a month ago. I've battled with myself over whether to post it or not, but here it is. Many times I've tried on certain clothes, like crop tops, and end up talking myself out of buying them solely based on how I think others will see me. "Who cares? It's a fucking shirt." Is always my first thought when walking into a dressing room then shortly thereafter I rip my own self to shreds. Life is entirely too short to constantly worry about what others will think about what I put on MY body. No more. No way. There is no goal weight, just a goal mindset, and that mindset is to be happy and at peace with myself. I'm beautiful. You're beautiful. We're all beautiful. If someone doesn't think so, fuck 'em. #nofilter #natural #BodyPositivity #naturalista #teamnatural #naturalhair #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals

IG-AsiaAneka

Day 215: You don't even know how excited I am for this. #Fantastic4 #Marvel #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals

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Day 214: when you see that Johnny 5 is being sold for $3.95. #BestMovieEver #ShortCircuit #GuttenbergAF #2015 #365DaysOfHappy #HappyGoals

IG-AsiaAneka

How Do You Forgive What Still Hurts?

         It is past midnight making it officially August 2nd. It is my father’s birthday. I am quite impressed with the birthday card I picked out. It’s very sweet and thoughtful. It says everything you’d want a birthday card to say.

                   
         As many stories and poems I’ve written I’ve often stated that my father is a drug addict. I went from denial, where I lived for many years, to hurt, and anger. I’m still angry, but far more hurt. I am now in a place where I want to forgive, but how do I do that when I’m still hurt and no one seems to acknowledge that pain? I love this card, but I feel it speaks to the man my father used to be. He was the best father a girl could ever have, but the key word is “was”. The man I looked up to no longer exists. I look at this card and it says everything I want to say, but yet it feels like lies. Part of me would like to think that when I give him something like this it’ll awaken a drive in him to be better. I only set myself up for disappointment with that one. It won’t happen. He won’t get better. He doesn’t want it as bad as I do.
        I look at my father and I see someone that is lost. I see someone that doesn’t understand how he got to a low point in his life. I understand depression. As much as I understand it I still don’t get the individuals that drown that pain with drugs and alcohol. I don’t understand that addiction. I don’t understand allowing a substance to control everything that you are. I can look at him and understand that feeling of hopelessness, while at the same time not understanding him at all. I have battled depression for many years and sadly can only relate to how I handle it and how others similar handle it. I can feel like no one cares, but in the back of my mind know that’s not true. I can feel like I’m unworthy and know that’s not true. I can feel ugly and know that’s not true. I can feel all of these horrible things and still at the end of the day know that I’m going to make it out of that state of mind. There will be moments (or longer) where I’m stuck in my own thoughts and want to curl into a ball for days. I still could never imagine diving into an addiction. I feel that once you go down that road not only are you hurting yourself, you hurt the others that care. You make them go through the same hurt, pain, and anger that fills me. An addiction can ruin a family’s structure, finances, trust, etc. My college fund was blown on drugs. My mother is almost 60 and works 10-12 hour days to pay almost every bill in the household. Everyone is in debt to their ears. Everyone is stressed to the max and drugs is the main cause of this. We are all affected by one person’s actions. I couldn’t do that. When I sink into a depression the only pain I cause is not helping out to make my mother’s workload easier. That’s when I try my best to snap out of it. I can’t have her work like a dog then come home to work more. That’s not fair to her. It is also not fair for us to want better for our lives only to be weighed down by one person.
        As much as I want to be sympathetic to my father’s addiction I just cannot do it. I want to be at place to be able to forgive before it’s too late. I think I can only get to that place of forgiveness if there’s an acknowledgement on his part of the hurt he has caused. With him being an addict and stubborn I don’t see that happening. I can only forgive once he sees the destruction he’s caused his family. I can only forgive once he forgives himself. I have curbed my anger, but my pain still exists. Most likely after he is gone that pain and anger will still remain. I can only hope for the best. I can only hope that one day he’ll want to take charge of his life. I have to remember that I can’t force him to do that. That drives comes from within. I don’t know what it will take to kick start that drive, but the girl who had the best father ever can only hope.

-Asia Aneka Anderson

#SandraBland #SamDubose

         The main reason why what happened to Sandra Bland scares me to death is that this literally could’ve been me several years back. A few years ago, on my birthday, no less, my best friend and I were celebrating. We drove from where we live in Dayton, Ohio to the amusement park King’s Island which is about an hour drive south, if that. We went late because my birthday is in October and it’s Fright Fest around that time at King’s Island. On the way back, I honestly couldn’t tell you if I was speeding. I don’t think I was because I was keeping up with the rest of traffic, if not going slower. At one point I see this car tailing the fuck out of me. Whoever it was was dead on my bumper with bright lights, and because it was dark I couldn’t make out the car. Even though it was late the highway was still busy and I really wanted to get the hell out of this person’s way. I sped up a bit to get over and as soon as I did the cop threw on her lights. I was confused because the only reason I was speeding and getting over was to get the car off my ass… just like Sandra. Also, like Sandra I’m pissed. This was the second time I’d ever been pulled over and I can tell you both times my blood was boiling (the first time I was ever pulled over was when a cop cut me off, damn near hitting me, and then pulled me over because I flicked him off, but whatever). So she give the whole “You know why I pulled you over?” spiel and since my friend and I had just stopped to get food before this I just decided to eat with an attitude, give her as many “whatever” facial expressions, and told her I was speeding to get her off of my fucking bumper, until we could be back on our way. She was kind of a bitch to us, but I was just focused on her wrapping up whatever bullshit ticket she was going to give me.
        After what has just happened to Sandra, I’ve been replaying that incident in my head. My best friend that was with me was white. Would things have played out differently if we were both black or if I was by myself? I mean, we were on a dark highway and people were rushing down the road not paying any attention to us. If it was the middle of the night anything could’ve happened. I also think back to the many times when I lived in Chicago and when I wanted to drive back home I’d hop on the highway by myself. I don’t know if any of you have driven through Indiana, but through there from Chicago to Ohio looks like nothing but back roads and through most of it there’s hardly any traffic at all. Often times I wouldn’t see another car for miles. The only thing I was semi aware of is that certain spots of IN. are known to be racist so I took extra care when stopping for gas, but that was it. I never thought twice about it. Now I do have to think about that. I have to wonder if it’s safe for me to get into a car by myself. I have to double check and triple check my surroundings. This isn’t normal to be in this state of fear. I don’t want to live in a world where I’m more frightened to be pulled over than be in a car pileup. That’s fucked up. It really is. 
        What happened to Sam Dubose hits very close to home as well. For starters this happened in Cincinnati which, as I stated before, isn’t even an hour away. The reason Sam was pulled over is one that has caused police to pull over my mom several times. Something as dumb as a license plate not being on the front of a car cost Mr. Dubose his life. Completely unnecessary. When my mother would get pulled over it would only be in one neighborhood and, surprise, it’s a predominately white area. The last time she was pulled over the cop followed us in a parking lot and didn’t pull her over until she pulled out onto the road (which is dumb. Why not pull people over when they’re already out of traffic?). I remember the cop trying to be funny and looked at my mother, uncle, aunt, and I and said “Well look at you guys all dressed up? Where are you going to?” We were just coming from my 16 year old cousin’s funeral. That’s why we were so “fancy” *eye roll*. After that was all said an done since my uncle was in the car he put on the license plate for her. It’s funny how I still see tons of cars everyday without their front plates, but either way it’s still not a reason to ask someone to get out of the car let alone take their life. That scares me, because now we live in a time where cops are trigger happy and nervous because they’re afraid of a retaliation. I remember when this story first broke, my mom and I walked in the house and my father asked if we’d heard about it. My mother said she’d heard about it a little, but didn’t know why Sam Dubose had been pulled over. I just looked at her and said, “License plate.” I could see the look of disgust on her face to just utter confusion because that had been her many times before. I don’t even want to think about what could’ve happened the few times she had been pulled over for this. Black people are losing their lives for minor traffic offenses. Something as small as not using your turn signal will get you killed. I cannot comprehend why these things are happening. Why are we being murdered? Can we live?


-Asia Aneka Anderson

Day 213: finally got around to making a post about my new skin care routine. I look forward to documenting my progress. http://asiaanekawrites.blogspot.com/2015/08/my-journey-to-better-skin-post-1.html #InsideMyCreativeMind #amwriting #2015 #365daysofhappy #happygoals

IG-AsiaAneka

My Journey To Better Skin: Post #1

        I made a post several weeks ago which was apart of my 365 Days of Happy. It showed several items I had bought to help get rid of the dark spots I have on my face that I've been trying to get rid of for years.

        I purchased 100% black soap with lemongrass and African shea butter (the castor oil was for my hair). I bought all of these items at a local beauty supply store. The shea butter is an 8oz tub that cost about $6 and the black soap was about $3.50. Both are from RA Cosmetics. For about the first 3-4 days I was loving the black soap and shea butter. I had heard that black soap can be drying and I more than anticipated it since my skin is so sensitive. With lots of products my skin can go from loving it to hating it to loving it again in the matter of a month. When it came to the black soap it really made my face feel clean and smooth. Those first few days my face would feel a little dry, but nothing I couldn't handle. (Both photos taken after using black soap for the first time. You may or may not be able to see the spots on my face, but trust they're there).

 

         After the four or so days I noticed that no matter what moisturizer I used or how much of it I used that my skin would be so dry to the point that it would burn, especially around my chin. I also noticed that my skin was breaking out and I wanted the OPPOSITE of that. I decided to put down the black soap (for now) and continue to use the facial cleanser that I had been using prior.

        This daily facial cleanser is the Walgreens version of the Cetaphil brand. I will admit that when I first bought this months ago it was by accident. Before this I would normally buy the Dollar General version of Cetaphil's GENTLE facial cleanser, but the DG's in my area no longer carry it. Still I thought I was buying the gentle cleanser instead of the daily cleanser. At first my skin had the same reaction to this as the black soap since the daily cleanser is much stronger than the gentle. My skin really liked this cleanser the first week then hated it the next. I put this cleanser aside for a while until my gentle cleanser ran out then decided to pick it back up. Now my skin LOVES this. That is part of the reason why I won't give up on the black soap. My skin is very fickle. Still as I switched back to my old cleanser I stuck with the shea butter.

        I had made the decision that, since I couldn't pinpoint which product was breaking me out, I'd stop using the black soap for a month and still use the shea butter at night and that if I was still breaking out then I'd switch and use the black soap for a month and stop using the shea butter. It took a week for my skin to balance back out and for that burning sensation on my chin to go away. I really love this shea butter. My routine is that during the daytime if I'm going anywhere I'll wash my face with my cleanser and use a vitamin E cream as a moisturizer. I only use the shea butter at night and in the day on my days off. I never use it in the day if I'm going out since it can be greasy. 

This cream I use in the day. Purchased at Dollar General.

        I can definitely tell a difference in my skin. My face is very smooth, I can see spots fading, and my face has a glow. The breakouts that happened from using the black spots are almost 90% cleared up after only a few weeks. I'm hopeful that after using the shea butter for another month or so will clear up my skin almost entirely. I have had acne/dark spots for 20 years or more. In my lifetime I've used everything from Clearasil to Proactiv to Neutrogena to Acne Free and everything else in between. It's so nice to finally find something after all of these years that works. It's also nice that I can finally look at myself and think "I don't really think I need makeup today". It's a freeing feeling. In the future I hope to use the black soap again and see how far that will take me. As for now I have nothing but great things to say about this all natural shea butter. I won't slam the black soap because I'm sure it's great as well, but my skin has a different opinion on it for the time being. (SN: Those longer eyelashes came from the help of castor oil lol.)

After one month of using shea butter

By: Asia Aneka Anderson