The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: If The Crystal Ball Says So

This past week my boyfriend and I went on our first, semi-big, vacation together to Chicago. It was for a concert and he was amazing enough to go adventuring with me even though his thoughts are kinda “meh” on the band. He knows my love for them therefore he humors me.
        Since I used to live in Chicago I’ll admit I was probably more excited to show him some of my old hangouts and doing things there that I always wanted to do, but never got a chance to. While walking downtown on our last day I came across a sign about tarot reading. Sometimes I can’t resist a tarot or palm reading so we decided to head up. Now I will say there’s always a level of skepticism when it comes to psychics, but a huge part of me wants to believe that there’s people who have the gift.
        This woman gave me a palm reading. She gave me the same story I’ve heard a few times before. I’m not where I’m supposed to be in life, I’m unhappy, etc., etc. She told me something that I haven’t heard before, which was that my life was supposed to be on a completely different path than what I’m on. I should’ve been married with 2-3 kids, I was to inherit some money that never happened, but for some reason there’s a wall. Whether this is a wall I, myself, have built or a wall that just keeps knocking me on my ass out of nowhere, I don’t know. One thing for sure is my personality she had down to a T. She mentioned me being two different people. On once side I am a wide eyed girl, ready for adventure, plans made on how carefree and creative my life should be. That part of me has so much innocence and hope. Then there’s the side of me who feels so trapped, angry, bitter, and so close to giving up. Neither of these parts of myself outshines the other. I am simultaneous both of these people. She mentioned that the work I do is not for me nor will it ever be. She noted that I try too hard with no results. She’s right. She’s absolutely right. Fake or not I took it upon myself to embrace this advice. I do entirely too much for my job. I get no bonuses, I clean up a shitload of other’s slack, I close several nights a week while my manager does none even though it’s mandatory managers close at least twice a week, I’m being bullied into training for a position I’ve never wanted which also makes me have to work in direct contact with a coworker that causes nothing but drama for everyone. Any concern I bring up ultimately gets swept under the rug. I make endless amounts of decisions and what for? I’m not getting any raises, I’m not getting any back up. So why am I working so hard for a company that can’t work for me? I’m not a manager so why am I taking on that responsibility when my paycheck doesn’t reflect it? That woman nailed it on the head. I need to become that wide eyed innocent girl. Being that girl would be beneficial to my mental health and my inner peace.
       My boyfriend also had his done. She spoke about him being a hard worker and that it would pay off, and how he’s been unlucky in love in the past, but will settle with his soul mate soon. Whether or not that person is me, I’m not sure. I hope that it is and we can continue to build what we’ve started, but by some strange happening if it’s not me I just want him to be happy. Even though we didn’t have a big discussion afterwards I’ve never felt closer to him than that day. That innocent girl in me wants nothing more than to be happy and share my life and adventures with this man and bring excitement into his life while he brings clarity to mine. I think we have what it takes to make it there. I support him and he supports me. It’s the waiting and the guessing of how life will turn out that gives me anxiety, but sooner or later I’m going to have to learn how to truly say “Fuck it,” and follow my heart. As long as I have my partner in crime I’ll be okay. I don’t need someone who can see the future to tell me that.

-Asia Aneka Anderson, 2018©

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