Inside My Creative Mind

The Ramblings Inside My Creative Mind: Not For the Weak

Here I am a little more than two weeks into motherhood. I had no idea what I was expecting when it came to day to day with a newborn. The only intention I had was to be an understanding mom who practiced gentle parenting in order to raise a compassionate human being, but that's in the future. It's the newborn phase I wasn't prepared for and I am fighting for my life.

I didn't expect to feel extreme happiness one minute and extreme sadness the next. There is no in between. I find myself weeping because I can't believe this beautiful sweet little boy came from me and I find myself weeping because I'm so exhausted and frustrated and because of those emotions I dive into the deep end of mom guilt and my mind tries to convince me that I'm a shit mom. From day one when I had a hard time getting him to breastfeed, I felt I obviously had to be the issue because what mom can't breastfeed her baby like nature intended? I must be awful, right? It can't be that hormones threw my body out of whack and both me and baby are new at this. I beat myself up about that a lot in the very beginning. Not only because I felt like it should be natural, or that maybe he didn't want to bond with me, but also because there's so much shaming that goes against moms who formula feed and I desperately did not want to add to that, as if it was something I could control and as if my baby being fed should have been the priority.

I've cried more in these past two weeks than I ever have in my entire life. I want to sit back and enjoy these moments, but instead I'm becoming detached and annoyed. Baby doesn't deserve that. He doesn't deserve a mom that's frustrated and sad. Most days are good, but it's those few that make me feel horrible. I deal with these days of mostly him and I alone and wonder why I can't be better. Then you add in words from others in my ear who said having kids isn't something I should do. Then I feel lonely and wonder if they were right. I said previously that my pregnancy was a lonely, by being in the hospital for nearly two months, but I had no idea parenthood would be the same if not moreso lonely.

You take all of these feelings of feeling like a crap mom and double them by feeling like a horrible partner. I have been in trauma mode since 20 weeks pregnant when I was diagnosed with vasa previa. That was 17 weeks (my c section was at 37 weeks) of knowing that at any point I could lose baby. Intercourse off the table, feeling sexy, or even tending to my partner's needs out the window. Now that the big bump is behind us it's almost like learning each other all over again, but you have this other person that puts a little bit of a stall on that. So what does my mind do? Try to convince me that my partner should go elsewhere. No one wants someone who looks like a slob all day, always sad, and chronically exhausted. Who would roll over in bed and think the former shell of a person they loved is attractive and the one they want. I then let myself get more lonely, more overwhelmed, and angry.

I know all this is momentary. This hardship will pass. Some things may be broken. Other bonds may become stronger. All I know is that every time I look in my little boys eyes or hear the little noises he makes my heart swells. All the shit we went through to get him here was a million and one percent worth it. I couldn't ask for anything more and he is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. I can't wait to see his little personality shine through even more because he's got such a big one already. I never thought I'd be a mom, and I'm still determined to be the best one for him. My little man deserves that and nothing, but the best.

A Look Inside My Creative Mind: The Mom I Want to Be

In my latest video, I wanted to talk about the opposite that I did in my previous. I wanted to talk about the parent that I hope to be to my son. He will be here in a matter of hours at the moment and I can't wait to practice everything that I wish to and to be the gentle, encouraging, and loving parent I desire to be. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe.

A Look Inside My Creative Mind: Toxic Parenting

My latest video that I uploaded a few days ago is all about toxic parenting. With this video I didn't want to go too deep in depth about personal situations, at least for now, but becoming a parent myself it made me think of some of the things I had to deal with growing up as well as what I still deal with today. Some more videos on the topic may come up in the future, especially after I have my little one and get a taste of parenthood myself. Thank you all for tuning into my content. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe.

Mommy's Baby

I hesitated writing anything. In all honesty, I haven't had much of the motivation to write about this or anything, for that matter. We are now in the final countdown and you'll be with us soon, little man. Less than a month to go. People keep asking me if I'm excited or if I'm ready. I haven't had a way to answer that question. Since your dad and I have gone through two losses I'm just laser-focused on the finish line. Am I excited? Yes. Am I ready? I don't know, but I know that is a typical answer for first-time parents. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to see you through ultrasounds, especially when you FINALLY decided to give a glimpse of your squishy little face. I still giggle when you move around. I just think it is the coolest thing in the world. You kick me and I poke you back and repeat. Just like your mom always wanting to get the last word already. Your dad and I can't wait for the next step in our journey and including you in it. You're the little boy we both wanted.

But baby boy, your mama is still scared. Halfway through you growing in my belly we were told that I had a condition that could be fatal for you if you tried to make a surprise early entrance. As much as I wanted you to be born on the grandfather's birthday, that you'll be named after, I still didn't want anything bad to happen to you or lose you. Again even though that has been a constant in the front of my mind I still find ways to block it out and stay focused on poking at you when you kick me and me laughing when you do it back. I sit right now in a hospital room that I have been sitting in for the past three weeks and hopefully will be here for another three more until I get to see your little face. Although I am bored and sometimes sad cause mommy is alone the end goal is all worth it for you, kid.

I want to make you all of the promises, but mommy is human. Mommy will make mistakes. I hope in those mistakes that mommy takes the time to correct herself and apologize to you. I hope, by me, you feel encouraged. It means nothing more to me to see you be a kid, gain your independence, to feel free, and to help you reach whatever goals you want and whatever makes you happy. I want you to have the opportunities I didn't in getting to be your natural self and be proud of you. I'm already so proud of you. You have made it this far, you are beating the odds, and you just keep striving. Mommy is so stinking proud of you and you aren't even here yet. I can't wait to teach you things, read to you, play games, teach you how to cook, help you with homework (except math. I'm so sorry, boo, but mommy can't help you with that one, but I got folks that can), and everything else under the sun. The sky is the limit for you and I hope that your dad and I can make it so. For you to have balance and stability means everything to me. You deserve that and more.

Baby boy there's a million more things that I can say to you, but, surprisingly, your mommy doesn't have all the words to express it. All I can do right now is enjoy these last few moments where we are right now and bond with you as you roll around in my tummy. I want to take in every single moment of this. It truly went too fast as I'm scared the rest of life will go. Can we both make a promise? Let's both promise that as time goes on and as we both grow older that we will often take time to hold on to moments and not let them pass us by. I hope that I am a good mommy to you and I am forever grateful that you decided to make me your mommy. Your dad and I truly believe that you were the baby that came to us twice before and that just maybe you weren't ready before. We're more than happy that you decided to come back to us and that you did it when you, and frankly, all of us were ready. Get ready to say hello to the world, little man, but please stay in just a little bit longer. The best things take time. We love you, wiggle worm.

A Look Inside My Creative Mind: Customer Service Nightmares pt 2

For the latest video that I have uploaded I continue with part two of my Customer Service nightmares video. In this video I am looking at the company aspect of customer service. The things where companies give both customers and employees the short of the stick and how they show how little they really care about both. I can see myself in the future making more videos in this series since I know that there are sooooo many of us who deal with the craziness that is customer service each and every day. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe.

A Look Inside My Creative Mind: Customer Service Nightmares

In my most recent video I could have, honestly, gone on and on. Customer service is a monster. It truly is. Anyone who works with the public, I think, deserves a medal. It takes so much patience that only other people who have been/ are there can understand. This is a little lengthy, but all of you who have dealt with customer service probably understand the struggle. This will most likely be a two-parter. In this video I discuss the difficulties with customers when it comes to these types of jobs. For my next one I want to talk about the company side and how employees are very underappreciated, as well as customers, honestly. It's not just the customers who make customer service jobs hell, it's also the people who run the show. Don't forget to like, share, and subscribe.

A Look Inside My Creative Mind: I'm Published

In my latest video I introduce my first published piece that you can still find here. I'm still really super excited for my book and cannot wait until I can get my next one out there for you guys. I also want to break down other things going on in my life currently. So please, take a look, like, share, and subscribe. I appreciate all of your support.