Several things could be the culprit of my increasing anxiety. Bear with me while I list out things that my mind has more than likely made up in order to drive straight into Worryville. 1. The change in my job dumping that new line of business on us (did I also mention that we also didn't get a raise for more shit being piled on us? That brought anxiety, anger, and bitterness). 2. Suddenly realizing that I'm lacking in the friend department. I've never had a big group of friends, but definitely in the recent years that number has decreased a lot. Since having my son it breaks my heart that I don't have other mom friends. So what did my anxiety do? It made me reflect on past friendships that were, at the time, toxic and think "Was it really that bad?" "Don't you wish that person was still around?" "Don't you remember the good times?" Good thing I reminded myself that even though I do remember the good times I had with these individuals I left them behind for a reason. 3. Going to a mammogram appointment and getting the result of "uh-oh this doesn't look too great we better do another one." to "uh-oh that one wasn't great either so now we gotta jam a needle in your tit." The biopsy came out ok, but the damage and anxiety was already done. What helped push it over the edge? I had an aunt who passed away from cancer (not breast cancer) when I was about 8. My cousin, her child, was about 3 when she passed. Even though I was a kid I'll never get the image out of my head of being in the hospital room, with family, when doctors told her that her health was decling. She started crying and pointed to her daughter and said "But what about my baby?" My son will be 3 in a few months. When I got that first result that the mammogram wasn't clear that image played over and over in my head.... "What about my baby?". That brings me to my 4th reason. All of this anxiety is weighing on me physically. I've been to the ER and urgent care more times than I can count this year and it's only June. From the trouble breathing, the back pain that will NOT go away, constant headaches, lower abdominal pain that's going on for a month now. The list goes on and on. Now 6 is just my standard self loathing, but this year I feels amplified. I feel like maybe I'm just the ball of negativity that keeps waiting for positive outcomes, but they're not coming because I don't deserve it or they are happening and I'm just too negative to fucking see it. I feel like a shitty mom. I yell out of frustration sometimes and I know I shouldn't, he probably gets more screen time than is probably necessary, and I feel like I'm a helicopter parent or a "just do whatever you'll be fine" and lets him do whatever. There's no in between. I just don't feel like I'm doing anything right in the mom zone. I'm a shitty writer. Can I even call myself that? I don't even feel like I have anything worth saying anymore. I don't have the energy or attention span to write. When I do I feel like I'm writing the same shit over and over. I'm a shitty partner. I don't put in the effort to show affection. It's not on purpose, but it feels like the part of me that makes me the lover, the friend, the employee, etc got shut off when my son was born. I know I can't go back to who I was before I was a mom, but I can't see to get to just ME. I feel like im a shitty daughter. Not talking about my relationship with my mom, but with my dad. Next week it'll be 9 years since he's been gone. I don't know if my anxiety and emotions that have been amped up the past week or so (for instance now we're at random crying spells with no trigger or warning) is because that date is coming up or from everything listed above... or hell, everything. I feel and have always felt I have no right to grieve. I was terrible to him those last few years. Yeah it was because I was frustrated with the choices he made in life, but deep down I knew my dad's heart and knew that he let this thing.. drugs.. take over. I didn't give him grace. He needed grace and I gave him coldness.
My drive for anything is at a zero. I have no passion to write, I don't want to drain myself working, I am exhausted, and I feel like I'm at a dead end. I just want to feel some sort of joy. I want to be excited about something. Now, I have reached out to my former therapist so I've already got that scheduled. I knew I had to do something when I started to feel the urge to cry for no reason. I need to find a place where I feel like I'm enough, where I feel inspired, happy, and enthusiastic. I'm hoping I get there soon. I can no longer take feeling like im drowning and that im working towards nothing.
Thank you for reading the jumble or words. It means more than you know.